by Amy Reed
“With deep, sympathetic characters and beautiful prose, Clean cuts to the heart. It’s poignant and real. I can’t stop thinking about it.”
—Lisa McMann, bestselling author of Wake
“An affecting drama. . . . The hard-hitting scenarios and abundance of white space make this a perfect suggestion for Ellen Hopkins fans.”
—Kirkus Reviews
“Stark, disquieting, and, quite simply, riveting.”
—Ellen Hopkins, bestselling author of Crank
“Raw, gritty, and powerful, an intense ice-pick jab to the heart.”
—R. A. Nelson, author of Teach Me
“Haunting, sensuous, and oddly beautiful.”
—VOYA
“A new-millennium Go Ask Alice.”
—The Bulletin
Connor knows that Izzy will never fall in love with him the way he’s fallen for her. But somehow he’s been let into her crazy, exhilarating world and become her closest confidante.
But the closer they get, the more Connor realizes that Izzy’s highs are too high and her lows are too low. And the frenetic energy that makes her shine is starting to push her into a much darker place.
As Izzy’s behavior gets increasingly erratic and self-destructive, Connor gets increasingly desperate to stop her from plummeting. He knows he can’t save her from her pain . . . but what if no one else can?
Amy Reed was born and raised in and around Seattle, where she attended a total of eight schools by the time she was eighteen. Constant moving taught her to be restless, and being an only child made her imagination do funny things. After a brief stint at Reed College (no relation), she moved to San Francisco and spent the next several years serving coffee and getting into trouble. She eventually graduated from film school, promptly decided she wanted nothing to do with filmmaking, returned to her original and impractical love of writing, and earned her MFA from New College of California. Amy currently lives in Oakland with her husband and two cats, and has accepted that Northern California has replaced the Pacific Northwest as her home. She is no longer restless. Find out more at amyreedfiction.com
Jacket designed by RUSSELL GORDON
Jacket photograph copyright © 2012 by MICHAEL FROST
Author photograph copyright © 2009 by ERIKA HART
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This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
SIMON PULSE
An imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020 www.SimonandSchuster.com
First Simon Pulse hardcover edition June 2012 Copyright © 2012 by Amy Reed All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. SIMON PULSE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
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Designed by Mike Rosamilia
The text of this book was set in Syntax LT Std and Lucida Typewriter.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Reed, Amy Lynn.
Crazy / Amy Reed.
p. cm.
Summary: Connor and Izzy, two teens who met at a summer art camp in the Pacific Northwest where they were counselors, share a series of emails in which they confide in one another, eventally causing Connor to become worried when he realizes that Izzy’s emotional highs and lows are too extreme.
ISBN 978-1-4424-1347-4 (hardcover)
[1. Interpersonal relations—Fiction. 2. Mental illness—Fiction. 3. Emotional
problems—Fiction. 4. Email—Fiction. 5. Washington (State)—Fiction.] I. Title.
PZ7.R2462Cr 2012
[Fic]—dc23
2011032804
ISBN 978-1-4424-1349-8 (eBook)
For Brian
Contents
Hello Stranger: Wednesday, August 31—10:42 AM
Popsicle Sticks: Sunday, September 4—1:33 PM
Death And Dismemberment: Monday, September 5—9:43 PM
Please?: Tuesday, September 6—9:12 PM
No: Wednesday, September 7—10:13 PM
Question: Friday, September 9—8:39 PM
Whore: Monday, September 12—11:28 PM
Hey: Friday, September 16—11:07 PM
Hello?!: Monday, September 19—7:16 PM
Dust: Friday, September 23—11:04 PM
Nightmares: Saturday, October 8—3:18 PM
Sorry: Saturday, November 5—4:11 PM
Change Of Subject: Tuesday, November 8—10:45 PM
Turkey: Tuesday, November 15—9:27 PM
Torture: Tuesday, November 29—8:29 PM
Good News: Friday, December 2—7:31 PM
Deep Thoughts: Monday, December 12—11:53 PM
Awesome Stuff Vs. Pretty Girls: Tuesday, December 13—10:52 PM
Pretty Girls & Kissing Boys: Thursday, December 15—8:33 PM
Friday, December 16—11:48 PM
Kissing Girls (Continued): Sunday, December 18—12:05 AM
Spelling: Wednesday, December 21—3:12 AM
Art!: Friday, December 23—4:37 AM
Sunday, December 25—3:46 PM
Zoo: Monday, December 26—8:27 PM
Sorry: Thursday, December 29—10:27 AM
Friday, December 30—7:34 PM
A Sad, True Story For A Sad, True Girl: Friday, December 30—10:04 PM
Question: Sunday, January 1—11:13 AM
Vitamins: Monday, January 2—9:34 PM
Officially A Loser: Thursday, January 12—11:12 PM
Save Me: Saturday, January 14—12:12 AM
Brains: Monday, January 16—10:46 PM
Baby Birds: Tuesday, January 17—11:35 PM
Sorry: Saturday, January 21—8:17 AM
Sorry Part 2: Monday, January 23—6:09 PM
Football: Thursday, February 2—9:39 PM
Thursday, February 2—10:28 PM
What’S The Opposite Of Angst?: Friday, February 3—11:45 PM
More Useless Information: Wednesday, February 8—11:43 PM
Slugs!: Tuesday, February 14—2:07 AM
Sorry: Saturday, February 18—4:10 PM
Boys: Sunday, February 19—10:18 PM
Puppets: Monday, February 20—6:46 PM
Art!!!!!!!!: Monday, February 20—11:39 PM
Suck: Tuesday, February 21—1:08 AM
Doppelganger: Tuesday, February 21—4:27AM
Donuts: Tuesday, February 21—7:16 AM
Lies: Friday, February 24—2:13 AM
Appendages: Sunday, February 26—5:39 PM
Rain And Robots: Monday, February 27—8:14 PM
College: Wednesday, February 29—7:55 PM
Losing It: Friday, March 2—10:50 PM
Atlas: Saturday, March 3—11:36 AM
Imperfect Words: Wednesday, March 7—8:57 PM
I’M Sorry: Monday, March 12—2:13 PM
Empty: Wednesday, March 14—5:11 PM
Day 1
Breathing: Friday, March 16—7:04
PM
Day 2
Garbage: Saturday, March 17—11:28 AM
Day 3
Thawing: Sunday, March 18—3:47 PM
Day 4
Whales: Monday, March 19—6:17 PM
Day 5
Surprise!: Tuesday, March 20—10:30 PM
Day 6
Beautiful: Wednesday, March 21—8:25 PM
Day 7
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
No pleasure without the taste of ashes.
—Pablo Picasso
From: condorboy
To: yikes!izzy
Date: Wednesday, August 31—10:42 AM
Subject: Hello stranger
Dear Isabel,
Sometimes my dog looks like Robert De Niro. She’s got a mole on her cheek right about where he does, and she gets this serious look like “Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me?” with her forehead all wrinkly and her eyebrows raised and a defiant glint in her eyes. I don’t really know what this means, except that I probably spend way too much time with my dog. Her name is Señor Cuddlebones, by the way. Señor for short. I think I told you about her already. And I’m pretty sure it was boring then, too.
Speaking of boring, that has been the definition of my sad little life since I got home. What about you? I’m sure you probably have all kinds of exciting things to do, living in the big city with your boyfriend who’s in a band and your fake ID and everything. Me, I’m stuck on this quaint little island, where the most exciting thing happening before school starts is the wooden boat festival, when everybody hangs around the docks and—you guessed it—looks at wooden boats. We do it every year. If I’m lucky, I’ll get an organic, free-range, no-sulfite hot dog out of it. This is exactly the kind of small-progressive-town activity my mom loves. She practically had a seizure about the heirloom vegetable seed fair a few days ago.
So what are you doing? It’s weird to think about you existing outside of camp. You were this larger-than-life presence for me in those couple of months. It’s funny, but I think I spent more time with you than I’ve ever really spent with anyone. In a row, I mean. Except for maybe my mom when I was a baby. But I’m pretty sure I was sleeping most of that time. And now you’re just gone, just like that—poof—out of my life. I know you’re only really just a ferry boat ride away, but it seems like a huge distance.
I guess I’m just having a hard time adjusting back to real life. Part of me doesn’t want to admit everything has to go back to normal and I have to start school next week. I’m just so bored, you know? It’s like I’ve been hearing this rumor my whole life that there’s this big, exciting world out there somewhere, but that’s all it is and all it’ll ever be—only a rumor. I’ve never actually seen it. Maybe I caught a glimpse this summer, but now that’s gone. All I have are memories, and they’re already fading fast. I know I’m being sappy, but that’s part of my charm, right? Didn’t you say you loved how earnest I am? Sometimes I feel like I’m an old man trapped in a seventeen-year old’s body, like I should be wearing a top hat and suspenders and have wrinkles instead of zits, and hobble around with a cane and call Facebook “FaceSpace” or “MyFace.” Instead I’m this little stringy mess of nerves and hormones with all these big ideas and no one to tell them to except a fascinating girl I met this summer who exists only via email.
Is it okay that I called you fascinating? My kindergarten teacher once sent a note home complaining that I was too affectionate with the girls in my class. My mom says I’m just open about my emotions, which is apparently a good thing in her world. I did grow rather attached to you over the summer, which I hope you don’t find reason to send your man-friend across Puget Sound to kick my ass. He should know I pose absolutely no threat to his masculinity. He’d get here and look at me and be like, “What, this shrimp? Are you kidding?” then get on his skateboard or whatever and fly back to you in Seattle and wrap you in his big, manly, tattooed arms.
I’m not in love with you, if that’s what you’re thinking. We already went over this. I’m just weird and bored and trapped on this little island, and I’m dying for some excitement, and you’re the most exciting thing that’s happened to me in a long time.
Love,
Connor
From: yikes!izzy
To: condorboy
Date: Thursday, September 1—4:38 PM
Subject: Re: Hello stranger
Dear Connor, you adorable little freak,
Yes, yes, I miss you too, blah blah blah. You are so funny. Why do you have to be so serious? Do you expect Trevor to challenge you to a duel or something? Do you think he’s threatened by my having male friends? What kind of world do you live in? I thought you said Bainbridge Island was a “nuclear-free zone topped with eco-friendly buildings and a bunch of Crocs-wearing, overeducated liberals.” That’s a direct quote, by the way. Did I mention I have a photographic memory? Just one more thing to add to the long list of Amazing Things About Isabel. Ha! That, and I’m double-jointed. Wow, huh?
I’m bored too, so don’t think your boredom is anything special. I think that’s the natural state of teenagers, you know—to be bored and yearning and pissed off at everything. I don’t know if it’s any better for me, living in the city. I guess there’s more to do, but you’re lucky because you can walk off into the woods or on the beach and just lose yourself. I’d love to be able to do that, just wander off and get lost and have everything just quiet down for a while. Here, there’s always somebody watching, some car honking at you, some man whistling, somebody rushing somewhere and deciding you’re in their way. We should trade places for a while. You can be a city kid and I’ll go ride horses or catch frogs or whatever it is you do in your free time.
Things have been weird since I got home. My mom’s been running around frantic because of some Very Important Client, and my dad’s been hiding in the basement watching his sports and eating his Cheese Doodles and drinking his non–diet soda even though my mom finds the time in her busy schedule to remind him how fat he’s been getting since he’s been unemployed. I’m not quite sure that qualifies as domestic abuse, but I wouldn’t be surprised if my dad could benefit from a trip to some kind of halfway house for battered husbands. It’s just that everything she does has to be so damn IMPORTANT, like nothing he could ever possibly do could even come close. And me, well I don’t even factor into the equation because I’m just a kid and have no monetary value. Maybe I should start stripping or something to make some income—then I’d be worth something in this family. Instead, I’m just a drain on the resources of the all-powerful matriarch, my face nothing but a reminder that they once spent enough time naked in each other’s company for their genes to mingle.
Teen angst is so boring, isn’t it? I try so hard not to be a cliché, but it’s like it’s written into my DNA to hate my parents and be totally unsatisfied with everything. I wonder if there’s anybody our age who actually likes their life. Maybe those purity-ring girls who are too drunk on Jesus to know any better. Maybe I should be a drug addict and run away from everything like my brother.
Let’s run away together, Connor. Just you and me and our unmarketable skills. You can write haikus and do video installations, and I’ll make collages and construct life-sized urinals symbolizing the plight of modern teenagers. Trevor might want to come along, though. I hope you don’t mind. He’s not that bad of a guy, and he’s really good in bed. Ha! I wrote that just for you. I am picturing you flopping around trying to regain your composure. You’re such a prude, Connor, and I mean that in the most loving way possible. You’d think with such an “enlightened” mother, you’d be a little less uptight. But I guess that’s part of your charm.
What about your girlfriend? You didn’t even mention her.
You want to hear something lame? Since I got home, whenever I get pissed off (which is often) I pretend I’m back at camp and it’s just after the Craft Shack closes for the day and all the kids and other counselors are in their cabins getting ready for dinner, and it’s just you and
me and the kitchen staff and other random, kidless employees left to roam the deserted property, and everything’s so quiet, and the sun is glistening off the water in just that way, and the San Juan Islands are all green and fuzzy in the distance, and the breeze, and the smell, and everything feels perfect. I close my eyes and pretend I’m there, that my life is as simple as teaching crafts to a bunch of kids all day, that I have all this leftover time to myself and I can just do nothing if I want. The strange thing is, sometimes you’re here with me, in my fantasy, being your adorable, serious self and not demanding anything from me. And it makes me calm. I bet you never thought you were that important to me, did you? I bet you’re blushing again.
Well, I guess it’s time to go now. Trevor’s picking me up in half an hour and I need to shave my pubes. Ha! Making you blush, even if it’s just over email, will never get old.
Like,
Isabel
From: condorboy
To: yikes!izzy
Date: Friday, September 2—7:12 PM
Subject: Re: Hello stranger
Dear Isabel,
Try to shock me all you want, I’m not going anywhere. For your information, I’m not the prude you think I am. Trust me, I have plenty of dark thoughts late at night, alone in bed with only myself with whom to communicate. So there. Who’s blushing now?
Since you asked, Alice and I are still an item, although she’s been more distant of late. She says she’s “figuring some things out” and I’ve barely seen her since I got back. I’m trying to think what she could be figuring out and why it involves not talking to me, but I’m at a loss. Her parrot, Gerard, died over the summer, so that might have something to do with it. They grew up together and, honestly, theirs was probably Alice’s closest relationship. And what does that make me? Less than a bird? Oh, the plight of the horny, marooned poet.
