by Debra Webb
Before his death he had asked her twice what happened to the nice young man who was training to be a marshal. She never told him that she had given him up to stay close to home.
All of that was behind her now. It was very possible that in another twenty-four hours she would be dead. Why deny herself this time with Jax? Whether she lived or died, he would move on to his next assignment and it wouldn’t be her.
He would be gone.
“Come in.” The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. Her mind still resisted, but her heart and the rest of her no longer wanted to refrain.
The door creaked open, and he walked inside. She was thankful for the deep bubbles. Maybe he wouldn’t see.
He knelt next to the tub, his forearms resting on the edge. “I’m sorry.”
She frowned, searched his dark eyes. “Sorry for what?”
“I should have manned up and come after you when your father was sick. I could have brought both of you to Seattle. I was a fool, and you paid a terrible price.”
“I appreciate you saying so, but it wasn’t your fault. You did what was right for you. Far too often we don’t do that, and it’s usually a mistake. When you left, I wanted to go. Desperately. I should have. I should have gone to my father and told him we were moving. I shouldn’t have used him as an excuse. I should have done what was right for me. His health was already deteriorating. Looking back, I believe there was a good possibility he would have agreed.”
“Hindsight,” he said, his lips smiling just a little, “is twenty-twenty. What you know now and what you knew then are two different things. You did the right thing.” He shrugged. “Maybe we both did, but there were consequences, and I am truly sorry you suffered the brunt of them.”
Tears slipped past her restraint. “Thank you.”
He reached for the shampoo. “Let me help you out with this bath. You deserve a little pampering.”
He washed her hair, slowly, using his fingers to massage her scalp until she felt ready to moan. She ducked under the water and rinsed the shampoo away. When she surfaced again he washed her back, touching each tiny scar. She shivered. Hated for him to see. Then he leaned forward and kissed her skin, over and over.
As he kissed his way up her neck, he shed his shirt. She reached out and unfastened his jeans. When he’d toed off his shoes and peeled off his jeans and socks, the boxers went next.
And then he was in the water with her.
The feel of his body against hers cleared all the hurt and worry from her mind. She could only feel his skin sliding against her own. His hard body pressing all the soft, needy places of hers.
The sense of belonging...of being home filled her. Whatever else happened, this was right in every way.
When his mouth covered hers, she stopped thinking at all.
Chapter Eleven
One day until trial
Wednesday, February 5
Ali stared at herself in the mirror over the bathroom sink. Today they would drive to Huntsville, Alabama. It was less than an hour away. There was an airport there. She would be on the noon flight to Atlanta. Yesterday it had been decided that a commercial flight would be safer than driving. A more controlled situation, AUSA Knowles had said.
Jax hadn’t agreed, but he had been overruled. Last night he hadn’t mentioned his concerns, and she hadn’t asked.
She had needed to escape.
Her eyes closed as her mind immediately replayed their lovemaking. Even though she had loved Harrison in the beginning, her feelings for him had been different than her feelings for Jax. Their intimacy had been completely different. She had no other experience to which to compare, but being with Jax was in a whole other league. There was a depth to their connection that had been missing with Harrison. The absolute certainty that they were meant for each other had never been present in her marriage.
Whatever happened tomorrow, she would cherish last night. This time she understood things were different. They were both mature adults and had their own lives to get back to. Not that she had much of a life anymore. She would be busy—assuming she survived beyond the trial—building a new life. After last night, it was easy to picture that life with Jax wherever his career took him.
But she wasn’t foolish enough to believe that one night of lovemaking and truckloads of guilt had resurrected what he had once felt for her.
They were different people now.
She studied her reflection again. The glimpse of fear in her blue eyes tied a knot in her belly. She was no longer that naive young woman. Of course she was a little afraid. But that fear would not stop her from going into that courtroom and telling the truth.
Nine months she had waited to tell the judge and jury the sort of monster Harrison Armone Sr. was. She had been fully apprised of her rights. Instructions on how to proceed with her testimony had been drilled into her head. She had been questioned and cross-examined in an attempt to confuse and frighten her, since this was what would happen in the courtroom.
She was ready.
A dark suit—skirt and jacket—as well as conservative flats had been provided for her to wear. She was to arrange her hair in a twist or bun so that she looked more reserved. No makeup or jewelry. She never wore makeup, anyway. Wore very little jewelry except when her husband had insisted.
Ali turned away from the mirror and left the bathroom. She couldn’t hide any longer. She had still been asleep when Jax got up this morning. When she had awakened, she had smelled the delicious scent of coffee brewing. She’d showered and dressed, taking her time.
It wasn’t as if they hadn’t made love before, she reminded herself as she descended the stairs. But this was different. She hadn’t seen him in a decade. He had seen her more recently. She’d been stunned at the idea that he had looked in on her and that he and his family were the ones to help with the private nurse. She needed to write a letter to his mother. Such a dear, sweet lady. How nice it would have been to have her for a mother-in-law. Ali imagined she was an amazing grandmother.
The yearning for children wrapped around her heart and tightened. Ali stopped at the bottom of the stairs and marveled at the sudden reawakening. It had been so long since she dared wish for anything normal. But, she realized, she wanted a family. A real husband and at least two children.
Had making love with Jax roused those long-forgotten hopes and dreams?
As if the idea had summoned him, he was suddenly at the kitchen doorway, smiling. “Good morning.”
She had been certain this morning would be awkward. That she would be embarrassed. But she wasn’t, at all. Instead, she melted instantly. He was the most beautiful man she had ever met. “Good morning. You were up early.”
As she walked toward him, her heart started to pound and her pulse raced. She would love nothing better than to make love with him again, right now. When he’d left the bed this morning, his absence had pulled her from the most magnificent sleep she had experienced in years.
“I checked the perimeter. Made coffee and whipped up a little breakfast.”
A smile pulled at her lips, and her stomach reacted to the delicious smells coming from the kitchen. Looking at him had blocked all other stimuli, but his words drew her senses beyond him.
“Smells wonderful.”
“Pancakes,” he said, stepping aside so that she could walk into the kitchen. “Tanner is a good shopper. He didn’t forget the syrup.”
As good as the pancakes smelled, Ali walked straight to the coffeemaker. She filled a mug and took a sip, relishing the taste and the heat.
Jax touched her arm and she turned to face him. “Come sit with me.”
She allowed him to usher her to the table. They took their seats, and she smiled at the not quite round pancakes.
“They’re a little misshapen, but they taste good.” He added a couple more to his plate and drizz
led syrup over them.
Ali did the same. “Thank you. This is very nice.”
She drizzled the syrup and then took a bite. He was right, the pancakes were really good. “Yum,” she said and watched his smile broaden to a grin.
“I’ve learned a few things living alone all these years.”
She didn’t say as much, but Ali wished she had been with him all these years. They would likely have children by now. A sigh whispered out of her, and she quickly poked another bite of pancakes into her mouth.
He sipped his coffee then set the mug aside. “I’m certain now that my mother was correct.”
Ali cradled her mug of coffee, warming her hands. It was cold this morning. The fire was roaring but still, it was chilly. Or maybe it was just nerves.
“I told you about Seth, my little brother.”
The memory tugged at her heart. “You did. Yes. It was a such a tragedy. I’m certain it devastated your entire family.”
He nodded, stared at his now empty plate. “My parents have told me hundreds of times that it wasn’t my fault, but I couldn’t change how I felt.”
“Your parents were right. You were a child yourself. You did everything you could. More, actually.”
Ali remembered the story vividly. The family had been at their lake house. Jax and Seth had gone fishing on the pier. He had told his little brother repeatedly to stay away from the edge, but he hadn’t listened.
When he fell in, Jax tried to save him. The autopsy confirmed that Seth had hit his head on the way down, so he’d been unconscious when he hit the water. Rather than struggling to reach the surface, he had sunk like a rock to the very bottom of the murky depths. Jax almost drowned going down over and over trying to find him.
By the time he did, it was too late.
His hands were flat on the table on either side of his plate, his gaze focused there as if the answer he needed would come to him. “I should have watched him closer. Made him sit down.”
“Even the coroner said that it would have been sheer luck to have found him in time. The water was too dark around the bottom.” She hated to see him carry that burden. He’d only spoken of that day once in all the time they were together. Yet it was more than apparent that it was with him every day, particularly back then.
He nodded, finally lifted his gaze and met hers. “My mother swears this is why I’m not in a long-term relationship. She says I don’t trust myself to take care of a family.” He grunted. “She believes the reason I became a marshal was to prove to myself that I could save lives. But nothing I do is ever enough, according to her.” He searched Ali’s eyes for a moment before saying the rest. “She says it’s the reason I let you get away.”
Ali’s breath stalled in her throat. She, too, had wondered if that long-ago loss had kept him from wanting to fully commit, but she had been too young to trust her own instincts. It was easier to believe that he just hadn’t loved her as much as she loved him.
“Your mother was right, Jax. It wasn’t your fault, and maybe you have been afraid to commit fully. If you recognize that now, you can choose differently moving forward.” This conversation was too much. She couldn’t do this. She stood, her chair scooting back. “Thank you for breakfast. It was very nice.”
She took her plate and fork to the sink. Since he had cooked, she could certainly do the cleanup. That was the way it was done, wasn’t it?
He moved to her side, placing his plate and fork in the sink on top of hers.
She grabbed a paper towel from the roll and readied to wash their dishes. She couldn’t look at him. That awkwardness she had feared this morning was now thick between them—at least from her perspective. She couldn’t get enough air into her lungs. Her skin was on fire just being near him.
“I was wrong, Ali. I shouldn’t have left without you. I’ve always believed a person made his own fate happen. Whether this moment was fate or not, we have an opportunity here. The potential for a do-over. And we can do it right this time.”
Her hands stilled, suds dripping from her skin. How long had she dreamed of hearing those words? How often during those first years after he left had she heard the doorbell or the phone and rushed to answer, hoping it would be him?
But she had been disappointed every time. Then she had run headlong into that horrible mistake of a marriage. From that moment she had known there was never any hope that she would see Jax again. Having a life with him was never, ever going to happen. Her dream had shattered, and she had clung to a new one that turned out to be a living nightmare.
She turned to the man standing so close beside her. He was right. They did have an opportunity here, but she was terrified it wasn’t what it seemed. “It’s possible,” she said, the words hardly able to squeeze out around the lump in her throat, “that what you’re feeling right now is nothing more than guilt.”
He started to argue with her, but she stopped him. “You felt guilty, which is why you helped when my father passed away.” She didn’t want to believe her own words—she wanted to believe that he had done it because he cared, but she couldn’t take that risk. “When you learned I had married into the Armone family, you were angry. You despised me, I imagined.”
“No.” He shook his head. “I—”
She held up her hand, stop-sign fashion. “Don’t lie to yourself now, Jax. It’s time we both faced the truth about our lives. We made mistakes, yes. You made far better choices than me. I made terrible mistakes, and I paid—” she drew in a sharp breath “—for those mistakes.”
The pain on his face told her she’d read him right. He was only human.
“Whatever you think,” he said, “you’re wrong. This isn’t about guilt.”
When she would have argued, he touched his fingers to her lips. “Whether you’ve ever fully trusted me or not,” he said, “trust me now. I know what I feel. I know what I want.”
She closed her eyes to block the hope in his. This was far too important to take the plunge without being absolutely certain. Deep breath. She opened her eyes and met his, that desperate hope in his squeezing her heart.
“I trust you completely, Jax.” She hated herself as that hope evolved into happiness. “But I don’t want a relationship with you based on anything other than the real thing. True love and nothing else.”
His hands dived into her hair and clasped her face. “I love you, Ali. If I ever doubted that, I was wrong.”
Her damp hands rested against his chest to slow things down. Her heart felt ready to burst. “I want that to be true. So very, very much. But we’re in a high-pressure place right now. Fear and desperation make people do things they normally wouldn’t do.”
He stroked her cheek with his thumb. “I won’t change my mind tomorrow or the day after or the day after that.”
“Let’s make a deal, then.” It was so incredibly difficult to think clearly with him touching her, looking at her this way. But she had to be strong, had to think clearly. This was far too important. “When this is over, if you still feel the same way, we’ll give us a new go.”
He turned her face up so he could gaze deeply into her eyes. “Count on it.”
Then he kissed her, and her fingers fisted in his shirt with longing.
Before the moment got completely out of control, she drew her lips from his. Pressed her forehead to his chin.
If she lived through this day and the next, she was going to spend the entire weekend making love with this man somewhere far away from here.
* * *
JAX WATCHED ALI come down the stairs with the garment carrier that held her trial clothes. Over her shoulder she’d slung the backpack that held the rest of her things.
“Let me help you with those.”
When she reached the bottom step, he took the two bags. “I’ll put these in the car with mine.”
“Thanks.”
Ta
king his eyes from her was not easy, but he managed. They’d made a deal, and for now he had to focus on keeping her safe. He couldn’t allow anything to distract him.
As he exited the house, he scanned the perimeter. Once he’d tucked the bags into the cargo area, he locked the SUV and did a walk around. It was damn cold, but otherwise all was as it should be.
Back inside, he heard Ali talking in the kitchen. He locked the door and moved in that direction.
“I know,” she said.
She was using the small cell phone Holloway had given her.
“It’s a lot to ask,” she sighed, “but I’d feel better if I knew Bob was going to be okay. If you can’t take him, Marshal Holloway, I understand.”
She was making arrangements for the dog in case she didn’t make it. Jax closed his eyes and steadied himself. All these emotions were tricky. Keeping his head screwed on straight was the most important part of what he had to do right now.
“Thank you. I really appreciate it.” Pause. “Yes, I checked with Dr. Johnston, and he said Bob is doing great.” Another pause. “I will. Thank you for everything, Marshal. You made the past six months bearable.”
She ended the call and tucked the phone into her hip pocket.
“You’ll be taking care of Bob yourself,” he said.
She turned, surprised that he was standing so close. She nodded. “Hope so.”
He was the one drawing in an extra-deep breath now. “It’s time to go.”
“Okay.”
They walked through the house, made sure everything was turned off. Jax flipped the breaker for the hot water heater to the off position, and then he locked the door behind them.
Ali squared her shoulders and walked to his SUV. He opened her door, waited for her to buckle up and then closed it. Their eyes met for a moment, and the fear in hers tore him apart inside.
He loaded up, turned the SUV around and headed down that narrow road.
