by Kiki Swinson
“I love it when you get upset. It turns me on even more,” he replied. I bit down into my lip until I could taste the tinny taste of my own blood. My chest was moving up and down like someone was pumping it with a machine.
“I don’t know when you’ll get used to this, Gabriella. I thought by now you would be enjoying it. I enjoy it. You’re doing this for your man, right? To protect that little punk who could give a damn less about you. Or wait—maybe a guy who would let his girlfriend deliver drugs in the most dangerous neighborhoods in Virginia Beach really does love you. I don’t fucking think so,” Carlos said rudely.
“I’m warning you, Carlos, shut the fuck up today. Don’t talk to me at all because I might just lose it on your ass. Don’t speak about my boyfriend, about me, about nothing—or else,” I replied. I was not joking with him, either.
“Okay, baby. I’m sorry if I made you mad,” Carlos said tauntingly. Something about the way he spoke incensed me. It was like he was enjoying this torture he was putting me through a little too much. As if I was some dumb, love-struck girl who was just an asshole for putting myself out there for Eduardo.
“Come over here and sit by me,” Carlos said, patting a spot on his bed. I rolled my eyes and reluctantly walked over. I sat down and Carlos immediately reached out and grabbed a handful of my breasts. His touch felt like a million needles stabbing me on every inch of my body. I closed my eyes and pretended I was someplace else, which was hard to do given the fact that this nigga stunk like shit.
“Gabriella, you feel so good. You’re so beautiful,” Carlos panted, sounding like he’d run ten miles. I had to swallow hard to choke back the vomit that had crept up my esophagus. My stomach churned as wave after wave of nausea passed through my gut. I was saying a silent prayer that I wouldn’t lose it. If I had murdered him, I’d go to jail for life. That’s what I had to tell myself to stay calm.
“Today I want it from the back. I want to feel every part of you before this is all over. I know you are going to stop coming to see me one day and then you’ll be in jail and I won’t ever get to feel you again,” Carlos said, breathing hard like he was excited just thinking about it. I set my jaw and my hands involuntarily curled into fists. This motherfucker must’ve been losing his fucking mind if he thought I was going to let him fuck me in my ass. I loved Eduardo and I didn’t even let him fuck me in the ass.
“You’re not fucking me in my ass, Carlos!” I growled, jumping up from the bed. I wanted nothing more than to get away from him.
“Don’t make this harder than it has to be, Gabriella. I thought you might resist, so I want to show you something,” he said. He stood up too.
I clutched my bag and I could feel the handle of the knife. My blood was boiling inside. I was looking at this slob in disbelief as he went to retrieve his laptop. For the two years I had been with postal, I’d thought of him as a cool coworker. Yes, he used to flirt, but so did most men in the workplace. I would’ve never thought he would have blackmailed me into sleeping with him like this. I wanted to torture and murder him for this shit.
“Here you go,” Carlos said, putting the laptop down on his nightstand and clicking a few buttons. My mouth dropped open when I saw the videotape footage of the inside of the packages. Carlos had actually opened up a few of Lance’s packages and taken video of the drugs inside. Then he had video of me instructing him to make sure those packages got into my mail truck. How could I be so stupid? I knew better than to put myself out there like that! I was screaming inside of my head.
“Now, if I were you I would hurry up and get this over with. We both have to be at work soon and you wouldn’t want Ben to catch your packages before I did, now would you?” Carlos said flatly. I could feel tears burning at the backs of my eyes.
“Take off that uniform and show me that beautiful ass of yours,” Carlos wheezed. I stood there, contemplating taking that knife out and doing this bastard in.
“Don’t just stand there. We both have to be at work before those packages get picked up by someone else, right?” Carlos reiterated, his words giving me the motivation I needed to move. I used one hand to slowly slide out of my pants. But I was still clutching my bag with the knife inside.
“Mmm, yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. I don’t think anybody expected you to be so fine under that uniform. Now come over here and let me see that ass that I’m about to get,” Carlos huffed. I stood up in front of him and turned around, barely able to get my legs to cooperate. I flipped up the flap on my pocketbook and slid my hand inside. I was about to dead this nigga.
“You know, if anything happens to me, I have a way of letting everyone know you were here. That is not the only video I have,” Carlos said. I guess he was smarter than I’d ever given him credit for. I froze, my hand no longer going to my knife. I guess it was final. I was going to be his fucking sex slave until something else changed.
“Yeah, there’s a camera around here somewhere. Too bad I can’t tell you where. And if you ever think about telling on me or not coming back here anymore, I have something for that too. You see, Gabriella, my brother-in-law is with the DEA. It would just make his day to have you and your little boyfriend served up on a platter for trafficking heroin, weed, and ecstasy over state lines and through the mail, which constitutes its own federal crimes. I would act like I never knew you had drugs in those packages when I sorted them. I would act like I just got suspicious one day because there was so many coming in, not from the same address, but with the same postal coding, from the same area and going to the same houses on your route day after day after day. I would say I was just giving the DEA a tip because I was too scared to confront you for fear that your big, bad boyfriend and his goons would come after me. Then, you know what would happen? The DEA would come on down and get you and your handsome hunk within the blink of an eye. I think you would get ten-to-twenty in federal prison for the type of stuff you’re riding dirty with every day,” Carlos said cruelly. It was his only way of getting me to submit. He pulled me closer to him. He probed my ass with his fat, sausage fingers at first. Each touch felt like sharp-bladed razors tearing into my skin. Tears ran a race down my face and I was sick to my stomach. I couldn’t believe that I was standing there letting this happen to me. All because I was protecting Eduardo and thinking about my mother and my son. I kept telling myself that I was doing this for a good reason. I was protecting everyone that I loved.
“Bend over, baby,” Carlos panted like the animal he was. He pushed me over and attempted to stick his shriveled-ass dick into my ass. It felt like someone was slapping a wet noodle over my ass. His dick was cold, limp, and clammy. Carlos was getting frustrated because he couldn’t get that little flat dick to go where he wanted it to go. I was breathing hard because the anger inside of me was boiling over now.
“Aghh,” Carlos moaned as he finally found his way inside of my tight anal opening. His dick was so small that it didn’t hurt; it was more annoying and humiliating than painful. I gripped two handfuls of his dirty bedsheets and closed my eyes. The shame was trampling over my mood like a herd of wild animals. The tears were falling fast and furious now. They were more tears of pure, white-hot anger than tears of sorrow. Carlos was grunting and wheezing like he would just fall over and croak at any moment. That was exactly what I was praying would happen too.
“Yeah. Your ass feels so good,” he wheezed as he plowed his fat body into me from the back. Feeling his overhang gut touch me made my skin crawl.
“I wonder if your boyfriend knows what a good piece of ass he has,” Carlos said. It was like he had plucked the last string of sanity that I had left.
“Shut the fuck up! Don’t talk to me or I’ll fucking kill you,” I barked so loud that I even surprised myself. I could tell he was startled. Carlos didn’t say another fucking word after that. He did his business and just as fast as it had started, it was over. I climbed off the bed and raced into his bathroom to clean myself up. I swore I felt like I was being attacked by flesh-eat
ing bugs all over my skin. I kept swiping and wiping like there was shit crawling on me. Now I could understand what people meant when they said their skin felt like it was literally crawling. Mine was alive; every pore felt like it was moving. When I got to the sink inside of Carlos’s small, cramped, dirty bathroom, I looked at my reflection in the filthy mirror hanging over the sink. More tears dropped from my eyes and I shook my head from left to right, trying to make sense of what I was doing. I clawed at the skin on my own face until I felt welts cropping up on my cheeks. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I didn’t want to be me anymore. I could barely stand to look at myself. That was the moment I decided that I would not endure anymore of this abuse. It was also the moment I would live to regret later, like so many other moments that came after.
CHAPTER 6
TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC
“Gabby! Gabby are you here?” Eduardo called out to me. The sound of his voice seemed so loud, like he was standing next to me screaming in my ear. I wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to face Eduardo, so I didn’t answer him.
“Gabriella?” he called out again. I could tell he was in the bedroom now, but I still kept my eyes shut and my head tucked between my knees. I had been sitting in the dark, on the floor of our bedroom, naked with my knees pulled up to my chest, just rocking back and forth for hours now. I had a bottle of Vicodin and a razor right next to me on the floor. I had contemplated several times just ending my misery. Finally, Eduardo came all the way into our huge master suite and found me sitting on the floor in the corner. He clicked on the bedside lamp and I buried my face deeper to hide from the light. I didn’t want him to see my red-rimmed, swollen eyes or the self-inflicted scratches that painted my face now.
“Gabriella? What are you doing sitting in the dark? Naked?” Eduardo asked, bending down in front of me. The smell of his cologne used to comfort me, but at that moment it made me afraid. I couldn’t face him; the shame and guilt were too much to handle.
“Gabriella? What’s wrong?” He tugged on my arms, trying to get me to look at him. I just started to sob again for the one-hundredth time since I’d been sitting there. I didn’t answer him. I think my deep, guttural sobs were enough to tell Eduardo that something was seriously amiss.
“What the fuck is going on, Gabriella?” he asked, grabbing me up from the floor. He carried me over to the bed and put me down. I kept my eyes tightly squeezed. I could hear the concern in his voice. Then he must’ve noticed the razor and the pills on the floor.
“Talk to me, Gabby. Did you take something? Did you try to hurt yourself?” Eduardo asked frantically. I don’t even think he realized how hard he was shaking me, as if he could shake the answers out of my mouth.
“Did something happen to Andrew? Is something wrong with your moms? Something at work?” Eduardo asked. I whimpered like a wounded puppy, but I couldn’t speak. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but they just wouldn’t come.
“Please, Gabby, talk to me. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, baby. It’s me; I’m here for you, but you’ve got to tell me, please,” Eduardo pleaded. I could feel my heart melting. I wanted and needed to share my pain with somebody.
“He—he—” I started, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I was ashamed to say that I had let this happen to me so many times. I also didn’t know how Eduardo was going to take it if I told him I had slept with another man behind his back, even though it was to protect him.
“Who? What? He who? Who did something to you?” Eduardo urged, concern lacing his words. I was overcome with more wracking sobs. I pulled my knees up toward my chest and lay there curled like a baby on my side. Eduardo laid next to me and held me.
“Shhh, just tell me, Gabby. I won’t be mad. I just want to make it better,” Eduardo said sweetly. He was in my head. He made me feel so safe at that moment.
“He raped me! He fucking raped me! He made me do it over and over again!” I finally blurted out. It felt like I had thrown up the worst dinner I’d ever eaten. My stomach felt lighter. My brain felt relief. My body felt more relaxed than it had in a month. After I got those words to come out, I felt like a thousand-pound weight had been lifted off of me. Eduardo let go of me. He stood up from the bed, but he didn’t say anything at first. I opened my eyes to look at him. His face was scowling and his fists were clenched at his sides. I had never seen his face fill up with blood that fast. It looked as if someone had pulled a red veil over his eyes. He was baring his teeth like a vicious dog about to attack.
“Who! Who the fuck touched you?! Tell me right now!” he boomed. I jumped. I was shivering now; a combination of fear and suddenly going cold. He was moving on his legs like he was getting ready to run out of the room at any minute. Eduardo’s reaction made me feel even worse about the situation.
“Tell me now! Right now! Who the fuck was it, Gabriella?” Eduardo screamed. I had never seen him like this.
“It—it—wa—was Carlos,” I sobbed, barely able to speak. Eduardo stopped moving as if I had hit an imaginary pause button. His eyebrows dipped low on his face and he cocked his head to the side. His eyes went into little dashes.
“Who? Carlos? You mean the nigga you was telling me about at your job that makes sure you get the packages? The fucking sorter that you’ve been hitting off with cash?” Eduardo asked for clarification. “The fat nigga?”
“Yes,” I mumbled, feeling so much shame my cheeks flamed over.
“How? How could his fat ass rough you up? At work? He had a gun? Where was everybody else at when this happened? Did you scream?” Eduardo replied, shooting questions at me rapid-fire. All of his questions made me cry even harder. I mean, that was how rape usually happened, right . . . by force?
“No . . . nothing like that. He didn’t hold a gun on me and it didn’t happen at work,” I cried. Eduardo’s face curled into a confused frown. I knew he wouldn’t get it.
“Then how the fuck he rape you?”
“He made me come to his house and do things with him. He said he would call the DEA on you and on me if I didn’t do it. He said he would make sure CPS took Andrew away and he would tell my mother that I was transporting drugs. He said he had video and he showed me some video of the packages—the heroin inside of the coffee beans,” I explained. “I did it for you, Eddie. I did it for us. But this last time, he—he—hurt me,” I said, almost whispering. The words felt like huge rocks coming out of my mouth. They fell around the room with the same type of thud that an actual rock would’ve made. Eduardo seemingly lost his legs. He slumped down on the end of the bed and put his head in his hands. I could see him squeezing his head like he was trying to get what I had just told him to settle into his brain. He turned toward me, his face showing confusion.
“So you fucked a nasty nigga like that all to protect me? More than once?” Eduardo asked, his voice low and sympathetic.
“I didn’t fuck him! He blackmailed me and then raped me! I went along with it to protect you! All for you! From the beginning, everything I’ve done was just because I wanted to be with you!” I screamed. Eduardo came over and grabbed me into a big bear hug. I choked on my tears as a wave of nausea rippled through my stomach, making me want to hurl.
“Get dressed, Gabriella. I can’t let this go,” Eduardo said, stroking my hair. I immediately pushed away from him and broke from his embrace. I looked at him, terrified.
“No! Please, just leave it alone. If he knows that I told you he will go to the feds. He says his brother-in-law works for the DEA. We will all go to jail. Andrew will have to go to foster care. My mother would probably die if she found out what I’ve been doing. We can’t say anything right now,” I cried, shaking my head from left to right. Eduardo grabbed my face and forced me to look him in the eyes.
“There is no fucking way I am letting a nigga get away with what he did to you. I don’t give a fuck who he knows or who he threatens to tell! He hurt you and I’m going to see that nigga!” Eduardo gritted.
“Now, get up and get dressed and take me to his house. Now! I’m not asking you, I’m telling you!” Eduardo yelled at me. I knew this wasn’t going to end well. It was going to be the first of many things to go wrong with our little business.
Eduardo barely waited for me to get out of the car before he was banging on Carlos’s door like the police right before a raid. When Carlos pulled back the door he had no time to react before Eduardo bulldozed his way inside. Carlos didn’t stand a chance against the force of Eduardo’s strong, muscular frame. Carlos’s round, wobbly frame was knocked off balance and he fell back flat onto his back. Seeing him lying there like a fat lump of shit gave me a quick fleeting feeling of satisfaction.
“No, please don’t hurt me. I have no money here. Please, I can get some money, but I don’t have anything of value in the house,” Carlos cried out, begging like the fat-ass punk bitch that he was.
“What nigga—you think I’m here to rob you? You got me fucked up, you sloppy piece of shit. Nah. You should wish I was here to just rob your ass. Fuck that, your fate is going to be much worse, partner,” Eduardo said through clenched teeth. That is when I finally stepped from behind Eduardo and looked Carlos in his evil fucking eyes. When Carlos saw me, his eyes almost popped out of his head. Eduardo was standing over him, so there was no place for Carlos to run or to hide.
“You fucking piece of shit,” I spat, hawking up the biggest wad of spit I could and spewing it down on Carlos.
“What—what’s this—this all about Gabriella?” Carlos stuttered, trying to act like he was so innocent. I just stood there looking at him evilly.
“You blackmailed my girl into fucking you? You raped her by threatening to tell the feds on her—on me? Then you threatened her seed too? You ain’t no fucking man. We got a term for niggas like you in the hood: bitch-ass nigga. That’s what the fuck you are for preying on a woman and her kid,” Eduardo growled. Carlos shot me a look. Terror flashed in his eyes and across his entire face. That was confirmation enough. Eduardo slammed his left fist straight into Carlos’s face. I jumped because I had been so busy locking eyes with Carlos I hadn’t been paying attention.
