DEAD AS a DOORNAIL

by Tonya Kappes

  “That’s not true,” he retorted with his jaw tense.

  “You do seem to have a vested interest in keeping me busy. Trying on dresses, doing manicures, seeing Preacher, hosting bridal events when you and I both know that Polly and I are far from being best friends,” I stated the facts with a stern stare. “I’m only doing this as a favor to Tibbie and to get her business off the ground.” The facts were the facts. “Where were you the night of Lucy’s death? To be more specific, Tuesday night eight p.m. through Wednesday morning four a.m.”

  I felt like I needed to know exactly where he was, even though an alibi wasn’t going to clear up who killed Lucy Ellen.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me.” He ran his fingers through his slicked back gray hair, loosing up a little of the gel that’d kept it in place.

  “I don’t joke about murder.”

  “What evidence would suggest that I have anything to do with Lucy Ellen Lowell’s death? Why would I kill anyone, especially her?” His eyes clung to mine, studying my reaction.

  “Well, you are a member of the hunt club, where it’s been known that Lucy Ellen has caused a few problems. Not to mention she’s a bit nosy, which Polly would hate. Then there’s the fact that Polly really didn’t want to invite Lucy Ellen to your big day. I can only think in fear she’d somehow ruin it. Then there’s the election where you have to keep the good ole boys happy so they’ll keep you in office and not turn on you right before the election. You wouldn’t want to risk a write-in.”

  “Wednesday night, Polly and I were at a private cake tasting at the Sweet Shop for our wedding cakes. After that, we went to Luke Jones’ basement to watch Father of the Bride with Polly’s parents.” His brows rose. “In honor of our wedding, Luke and Vita are playing Father of the Bride as well as Seven Brides for Seven Brothers because that happens to be Pete Parker’s favorite movie.”

  “After the movies?” I asked.

  He opened his mouth. His tongue played with the back of one of his teeth while his jaw jutted left and right.

  “In honor of keeping my bride’s reputation intact, I’m assuming you’re going to keep this to yourself, but we’ve already moved into the cabin together.” He sucked in a deep breath. “Her parents aren’t happy about it because they are old Southern and don’t approve of us living together before we got married, so we’ve kept it very hush-hush.”

  You could’ve knocked me over with a feather. How on earth had the henny-hens not gotten wind of this bit of gossip?

  “I went home and sent emails for work. You’re more than welcome to seize my computer and check out what I was doing online after we’d gotten home. But I can assure you that I didn’t kill Lucy Ellen Lowell.” He straightened himself with dignity. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get to my bride and you need to get back to Wally Lamb.”

  Even though Lucy Ellen was killed from the poisoning and Mayor Ryland could’ve added the poison before that night, I did recall Lucy Ellen saying to Polly that she was looking forward to talking to the mayor at the wedding since they’d not seen each other in months.

  “Thank you for answering me honestly.” I felt like we’d reached a level of respect that I’d never gotten from the mayor since I took office. “I’m sorry that Polly fired me as maid of honor.”

  He just nodded and both of us headed back into the department. Betty, Wally, Finn, and Tina watched as Mayor Ryland walked through the department and through the door that lead to Cowboy’s Catfish. I turned to face them.

  “This turned out good for you. That dress was ugly.” Tina shrugged and eased back down on the cot.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Tina talked and talked and talked the entire rest of my time at the office. She just talked to hear herself. No wonder she was meant to own a beauty shop and spa. She had to be good at it. Mama always told me that Tina Bowers could talk to a wooden Indian.

  By the time I’d gotten Duke dropped off at home and went to Euchre at Tibbie Bell’s house, I was plum exhausted.

  Tibbie lived on Second Street in a small house on the town branch. All the girls here for Euchre night were all gathered in the dining room where Tibbie set up tables for all the food that everyone brought. I’m talking delicious food too. These ladies took pride in their cooking. It was more like a repass, but no one was dead. I was happy too. I was in the mood for a good home-cooked meal of the semi-formal dinner style that featured collard greens and creamed corn paired with simple desserts like Betty Murphy’s rice pudding.

  “Kendrick Lowry.”

  My sudden urge for a big spoonful of the creamed corn went away with the image of an angry Toots Buford, who I could feel staring me down.

  “I’ve called you several times. I left you many messages and you’ve never called me back.” She looked like a puffed-up toad she was so mad. “It dills my pickle that you don’t have the gall to call me back. To me, that means that you don’t want to discuss the problem at hand.”

  “And what would that be?” I asked in a calm manner.

  “You taking my rightful spot as Polly Parker’s maid of honor, that’s what.” Her right leg flung out to the side and her right hand planted on her waist as she swung her right hip wide. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

  “I’m sorry, Toots.” I really wanted to tell her to take the job. I didn’t want it. “I can’t help who Polly picked to be in her wedding. I was just as surprised as you are.”

  “You are?” She reached around me and took one of the ginger snap cookies.

  “Mmm-hmm,” I ho-hummed. “If it’s any consolation, she already fired me.”

  “I’ve been best friends with her since our days at the Toddler Inn preschool.” Her brows knitted together. “I taught her how to do her hair and her makeup.” She leaned in. “I even taught her how to line her lips so those big veneers of hers wouldn’t overtake her wedding photos. And this is the thanks she gives me?”

  That tip alone should’ve given her maid-of-honor status.

  “Maybe she’s going to call you now,” I suggested with a hopeful voice. “I don’t know what she’s thinking. I’m just doing what Tibbie Bell tells me to do.” I offered a sympathetic look.

  “Well, I’m hurt to the core. She’s pained me. I’m not even sure I’d be her maid of honor if she asked.” She jabbed her long pointy fingernail in her own chest. “Painful I tell you.” I nodded slowly.

  I continued to nod, afraid to say too much in case it got back to Polly or Tibbie. The wrath of them was extra stress I didn’t need.

  After I filled my plate a couple of times and got the wonky eye from Mama, I headed into the room across from the food where Tibbie had set up the card tables for our Euchre night.

  “At least you got to leave for a few minutes,” Betty Murphy said about Tina Bowers’s non-stop talking at the department.

  Betty threw a card off suit, meaning she was out of trump. I didn’t know if I would say she was being nice to fill in for Mama’s Euchre partner who couldn’t make it, or just wanted to come so she could be in on the gossip that was sure to circulate about Lucy Ellen and Tina tonight.

  “She wouldn’t shut up. Though she did have some really great decorating ideas.” Betty offered a wry smile.

  “How do you think Finn is doing with her?” I asked, scanning my cards for the right one to play off since Jolee had led off with trump and won the hand. I couldn’t leave her there by herself in case she got ill or something, so Finn volunteered to stay the night at the department.

  “He was at least nicer to me than you were to Tina, apparently.” Jolee’s eyes peered over the top of her cards.

  “Jolee, are we actually going to even discuss this?” I asked with Mama and Betty looking at me. If there were anyone else other than the four of us at the table, I wouldn’t have said anything.

  “Excuse us.” Jolee laid her cards face down on the t
able. “We need to go grab a brownie.”

  “Not Kenni,” Mama chirped. “She’s got a dress to fit into.” She patted her belly. “Happy fat isn’t happy in front of hundreds of eyes looking at you in the front of the church.”

  “Good thing I’m no longer in the wedding.” It was with great pleasure I burst her bubble.

  “What?” Mama cried out and pushed the chair back.

  When she stood up to hurry after Jolee and me, the chair fell backward and smacked on the floor. The other occupants of the four tables stopped and looked at us.

  “I can’t believe you’d think I’d kill someone. So when Finn showed up and questioned me, I nearly drove the truck into the telephone pole on the way to my next stop.” Jolee was hurt. “Besides, I was with Ben all afternoon and all night.”

  Jolee and Ben Harrison were an item and they were always together.

  “What do you mean you aren’t in the wedding?” Mama squeezed herself between me and the brownies.

  The questions both of them were throwing my way were just a jumble of words in my head. I reached around Mama and took a brownie and stuffed all of it in my mouth.

  “Your daughter has ruined my career by arresting Tina. Polly Parker has the power to make me the most sought after wedding planner, but not now.” Tibbie had to join in. “You could’ve arrested Tina after the nail appointments for the wedding.”

  “That’s why Polly fired you as her maid of honor? The case?” Mama’s brows furrowed. “The biggest wedding in Cottonwood. You’re going to be known for this and it’s not good. Couldn’t you just take your time for once? It’s not like Tina Bowers is going to run out of town or anything.”

  True, Tina probably wasn’t a flight risk.

  “Nope. She couldn’t leave well enough alone.” Tibbie pointed to herself. “Polly is mad at me for suggesting Kenni.”

  My head jerked to look at her.

  “You’re the one who told her to ask me?” I’d really thought Mama had arranged it. “I have you to thank for this?”

  Jolee took her stab at me.

  “At least she didn’t accuse y’all of killing Lucy Ellen like she did me.” Jolee shoved in her two cents.

  “Did you know that she wants to go away for Christmas?” Mama’s words stopped Jolee and Tibbie in their tracks. “The whole week.”

  Mama knew that my friends and I always spent Christmas Eve together to not only exchange gifts, but also to enjoy what we called Friendmas.

  Jolee’s face went blank. Her eyelashes batted up and down as she blinked in bafflement.

  “You could start an argument in an empty house.” I grabbed another brownie and stuffed it in my mouth too, making Mama madder and madder. “I’m an adult and can spend Christmas with whoever I want. And I’m not in the wedding because Polly Parker is mad at me for doing my job. So we don’t have to worry about happy fat anymore.”

  I planted a stiff smile on my face and grabbed another brownie.

  “As for you,” I turned to Jolee, “I couldn’t question you about it, because it’s a conflict of interest and I wouldn’t be a good sheriff if I did ask you questions myself. Of course I don’t think you killed anyone. I’ve got Tina Bowers in the cell right this minute.”

  I took a quick breath.

  “As for you, if you need Polly Parker’s wedding to prove to potential clients that you are good at your job, maybe you shouldn’t be a wedding planner.” I’m sure my words stung Tibbie, but she needed more confidence in herself than that if she was going to be a successful businesswoman.

  There were murmurs behind me that caught my attention. Slowly I turned around with half the brownie sticking out of my mouth. The flash of a camera nearly blinded me.

  “And that’s exactly how it happened.” I grabbed the bottle of wine and filled up my glass, Finn’s glass, and Tina’s glass as I told them why I’d left the Euchre game early. “I got tired of everyone telling me I’m a bad person and now Edna Easterly is going to plaster that photo of me stuffing my face and telling Mama and Jolee off on the front page of the Cottonwood Chronicle.”

  The two of them laughed.

  “I’m certainly glad you came with wine.” Tina held up her glass from the other side of the bars. “I’m going to tell you that I didn’t lace the fingernail polish with the cyanide and I don’t know how it got in there.” She held her glass out for a refill. “Have you even thought about the person who set off the alarm?”

  “What alarm?” Finn asked.

  “Cheree called me around eight thirty and said the shop’s alarm was going off and when she went to check it, there wasn’t anyone in there and nothing was missing. We get teenagers in there stealing hair color, so we just figured it was a kid.”

  Finn walked over to his fancy whiteboard and picked up a dry-erase marker.

  He made his usual grid with suspects, motives, and evidence.

  “Here we go. Craft time,” Poppa joked. “I’ve never seen someone make so many little boxes and stars. Can’t he just put it all up here and figure it out?” He pointed to his head.

  “Don’t put my name in the suspect category,” Tina mumbled into her wine glass before taking a gulp. “What part of ‘I didn’t kill her’ are y’all not getting?”

  Finn and I looked between each other and her before we both turned back to the board, ignoring her.

  “Who else can go up there?” Finn asked and pointed to the suspect column. “If you don’t give us an alibi, then you stay our number one.”

  “What about Jolee Fischer? She said that she’d like to slip her something. She did it.” Tina sounded so upbeat and positive with her thought. “You can’t keep me much longer.” The wine glass dangled from her fingertips.

  “I’ve got enough evidence collected from your salon to present to a judge to keep you longer if I need to.” Finn’s brows rose.

  Tina’s eyes lowered before she sat back down on the cot.

  “What about Alma Frederick?” Tina asked.

  “What about her?” I asked.

  “She thought she was something else since Bosco is the president of the Hunt Club. I do Alma’s hair and nails.” Tina made it sound like we should know who that was. She harrumphed when she realized we didn’t.

  “And how is this related to Lucy?” Finn asked.

  “Hair.” She pointed to her head. “Nails.” She dangled one hand out in front of her, dared not to put down the wine glass. “Gossip all together.”

  “Fine. I’ll write down Alma Frederick if you think we need to check her out.” He looked at me. I nodded and he wrote down her name.

  Tina’s face brightened with each letter Finn wrote on the dry-erase board. He moved the marker over to the motive box next to Alma’s name.

  “Put the squeeze on her, Kenni-bug.” Poppa rubbed his hands vigorously. “She’s about to break. I can see it in her fidgety hands.”

  He was right. Tina was starting to pick at her nails, something she’d never do.

  “Tell me why Alma should be on this very short list where all the evidence points to you.” I picked up a marker.

  “I told you I didn’t kill her.”

  “Then tell me where you were the night of the murder. Because it’s funny how your lawyer has left you here and hasn’t called to check on you or even come down here to get you out.” It was almost unnerving how comfortable Tina looked in the cell. “But if you’d prefer to be doing nails and hair in the big house among the real killers and criminals, I guess Cheree will have to hire someone else to buy you out.”

  “Buy me out?” That got her attention. She stomped over to the bars and stuck her nose through them. “No one is buying me out.”

  “Answer my question.” I slammed the marker on the desk and raised my voice a few more decibels. “You and Lucy Ellen got into a fight. She threatened your business by telling you she
was going to write that review. You put poison in the only nail polish she wanted and you let her kill herself unbeknownst to her!” I yelled louder and louder as her jaw got tighter and tenser.

  Duke jumped up from his bed and the hair on his spine stood up.

  “I was at massage school in Clay’s Ferry!” she screamed and quickly shut her mouth. She looked like she surprised herself. She fell against the bars and melted down to the ground. “Are you happy? I’m a fraud. I didn’t have a real massage license and I’ve been going to massage school on my days off and I had a two-day final. That’s why I wasn’t at the shop that night or the next day until late. I have the certificate and a roomful of people and clients to prove it.”

  Stunned, I eased down on the edge of my desk. My mouth dropped, my shoulders slumped. Even now that she did have an alibi the night of Lucy’s death and the days leading up to it, she could still be held on fraud charges.

  “Now let me go. I’ve got a wedding party to take care of.” She stood back up, ran her hands down her shirt and over her hair.

  “Not so fast.” Finn took over. He could see the shock on my face. “Now we know you’re running a fraudulent business. We might be able to help you if you cooperate in this investigation.”

  “How?” She planted a closed fist on her hip.

  “You mentioned Alma Frederick.” I gathered my wits about me and pushed myself up to stand. “You tell me everything you know that’s not gossip. The truth. I’ll check out the truth and if it does check out, then and only then will I think about letting you out of here.”

  “What about the fraud charges? I have my license now.” She chewed on the inside of her jaw.

  “I can probably get the judge to be lenient.” It wasn’t going to be easy since the judge had probably been one of Tina’s clients, but I was willing to try.

  “Alma and Lucy Ellen hated each other. It’s no secret that Darnell wants to be the Hunt Club president.” Tina wagged a finger at me. “No different than a sheriff’s election to them. Apparently,” her voice did an upswing in tone, “Bosco and Darnell are hunting partners. When Darnell and Lucy Ellen were having problems, it tickled Alma pink because she knew the women in the Hunt Club wouldn’t vote in a divorced man since their morals are so high brow.” She pish-poshed their attitude.