"Are you upset because I have a kid or because I didn't tell you?"
"Neither, I'm not upset. I'm just surprised." I took my left hand off the wheel for a moment and unclenched it. I needed to get some tension out. I needed to calm down.
"You’re upset." He put a hand on my arm.
I resisted the urge to brush him off. "I’m not upset. You didn’t have to tell me."
"I hope you aren’t reading into this or anything. I didn’t tell you because I liked having you look at me like I was just any other guy."
“And you having a kid meant I wouldn’t look at you the same way? You aren’t the only guy with a kid." I let out a deep breath. We still had a ways to go before I dropped him off.
“So my having a daughter doesn’t change your view of me?”
“Why would it?”
“Because it should.”
“You can’t tell me how I should or shouldn’t feel.”
He said nothing, so I allowed our first uncomfortable silence to set in. After ten minutes, I had to ask my burning question. “So, I'm dropping you to spend the night at her mom’s house?”
"Grandparents."
"Oh."
"Her mom isn’t around... I'm a widow."
"Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry." And I was a bitch. Here I was being antagonistic, and the guy’s wife was dead.
"Yeah. I get that a lot."
"I’m a bitch, ok. I’m sorry for overreacting.”
"Stop."
"What?"
"Why do you think I didn't tell you? You are already talking to me differently. This is exactly what I didn’t want.”
"I can't even imagine. I've been moaning about my life when you’ve clearly been through so much more. I’m horrible. Horrible.”
He waved his hand. "My sob story doesn't make yours unimportant.”
"I’m sorry for keeping you from your daughter.”
"You haven't. And I'm surprised you haven't asked the obvious question.”
“What?” I was pretty sure I knew what it was, but I didn’t want to make things even more awkward if I could avoid it.
"You know what it is, just say it.”
I waited a few seconds but then spit it out. “Why doesn’t she live with you?”
“Because I screwed up, and I knew she’d be better off living without me for a while.” He looked away and out the window.
“What do you mean you screwed up?”
“I lost myself. I tuned out the world and turned to something that always numbed things.”
“Alcohol or drugs?” I assumed it was one or the other. They were both dangerous and addicting.
“Alcohol. I held it together for a while. I actually convinced myself I could move on and take care of my daughter myself, but then I lost it. Reality set in. Nikki wasn’t coming back, and I had no clue what I was doing. My in-laws stepped up to help, and I let them take her in. I couldn’t give her what she needed. Once I didn’t have my daughter to care for I fell even further. I was drunk more than I was sober, and I barely made it into work. My boss got tired of putting up with me, and I lost my job. And then you try finding another job when you’re fired with cause.”
“None of it could have been easy.” I struggled to come up with the right words.
“Bob at the shop did me a favor. My brother did me a favor too by giving me a place to stay.”
"I'm sorry." I was at a loss for other words.
"So am I." He crossed his arms.
"When do you see her?” I couldn’t imagine how hard it all had to be for him. He’d lost his wife and didn’t feel like he was capable of caring for his daughter on his own. I couldn’t even imagine.
"When I can, usually Saturdays, but she was in the city today with her grandparents. I also try to get out there a few nights during the week. It's hard because the only way to get out there is by train or bus right now. Nikki and I were sharing one car since I commuted into the city by train, and well, that car didn’t survive the accident either." He looked out the window.
"You could ask me for a ride. I don’t mind.”
"You’ve given me enough rides already. I'm saving up to buy a car and get a decent place that isn’t above my brother’s garage. I’m hoping to get a job that pays enough again soon. My student loans might as well be a mortgage in themselves, and we were already up to our necks in credit card debt before she died.” He shrugged. “But you can’t worry about that kind of stuff, right?”
I nodded absently. I understood his feelings about loans even if I couldn’t possibly relate to everything else he’d been through. "I'm sorry I bugged you about the tape."
"Ok stop.” He turned to me. “How does any of this make you feel bad about the tape?"
"You clearly don't have much time, and I wasted it."
"I have time, and you didn't waste it. You also gave me a ride out to see Naomi.”
"Naomi. That's a pretty name."
"Thanks." He smiled.
I spent the rest of the drive trying to sort through all the revelations. I was so lost in thought the drive went faster, and before I knew it we were over the Verrazano and headed back out onto the island.
I got off at his daughter’s exit. At least the location wasn’t mysterious anymore. And it wasn’t another woman.
"I'll give you a call when Phil comes by with the tape."
"Thanks." I slowed down in front of the house.
"That means you have to see me again at least once." He unbuckled his seatbelt.
"You'll see me again more than once."
"Is that a promise?" He sounded vulnerable.
"That or a threat."
He leaned over and brushed his lips against mine. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you everything."
"We barely know each other, you had no reason to."
“We more than barely know each other." He opened the door and got out.
I thought of at least ten things to say in response, but it was too late. He’d already disappeared through the door.
I drove home slowly, not sure if my melancholy mood came from the boxes in the back or the revelation from Leo. I meant what I said. He wasn’t required to tell me anything, but I wanted him to. Somehow I wanted him to trust me enough to bare his soul. But I wasn’t baring my soul either. If I wanted him to be open with me, I was going to have to be open with him.
Chapter 14
Leo’s text woke me up the next morning. I glanced at the time on my phone. Nine-thirty. I hadn’t slept that late in years. It was a weekend, so it didn’t matter, but I still felt wrong lazing around in bed.
I read his text.
Phil dropped the tape off if you want to swing by and get it. If not I can bring it over after work. Hope you slept well.
I started to type a response, but I stopped. What I had to say would be much better in person.
I got dressed, brushed my teeth, and headed over to the store. I didn’t want to leave him waiting without a response, and I didn’t want to give myself time to chicken out.
I parked in my usual spot and walked inside. I came to a halt when I saw Leo talking to a few teenage girls.
I stayed back. He was working, and excited or not, I needed to wait.
Leo directed the girls to the poster area of the store. I walked further inside and caught his eye. He smiled as if testing the water, so I waved before walking over to the record section.
The girls didn’t seem like they were going to be leaving anytime soon, so I found Leo at the desk. “I know you’re busy so I can come back later.”
He rested his hands on the counter and leaned toward me. “Two customers doesn’t make me busy.”
“But I need your undivided attention.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Do you, now?”
“I want to listen to the tape together.”
“But that entails you letting me hear what’s on it.”
“Exactly.” I put my hands in the back pockets of my jeans. “I wasn’t fair to you. I got annoyed y
ou didn’t tell me everything, but I didn’t tell you about this.”
“When do you want to listen?”
“I can meet you at your place after work. I’ll bring my tape player.”
“That sounds all kinds of nerdy, retro, and sexy.” He winked.
I narrowed my eyes.
He shrugged. “All right. Six-thirty?”
“Or I could pick you up.”
“I can bike home.”
“Ok. I’ll see you then.” I leaned over the counter and kissed him.
He startled, probably surprised, but he quickly responded. His lips moved against mine quickly, with an urgency that matched the way I felt.
The sound of giggling had me pulling away. I sheepishly walked past the teens who were holding posters.
“Always great to see you, Cassidy,” Leo called after me.
“See you tonight.” I’d let the girls think whatever they wanted. They were probably right anyway.
* * *
Despite some reservations, I headed over to my parents’ house. My text to make sure my mom was home had been a quick one, and I rationalized my visit by reminding myself I had nothing else to do while I waited for Leo to get off work. Sitting at home by myself didn’t seem like a bright idea either.
Mom pulled open the door by the time I got up the front steps. “How are you?”
“I’m fine.” I was. Confused, overwhelmed, torn… but fine.
“Good.” She gestured for me to come in. “I made some coffee. I was glad you texted.”
“Great, I never had any this morning.”
“Are you sick?” She stepped toward me.
“No, I overslept.”
“Overslept for what?” She headed into the kitchen, and I followed.
“Life.”
She poured two cups of coffee. She added milk into both, and a sweetener into hers. I accepted mine, and we each took seats at the kitchen table. “How was it?”
“It was easier than expected. Steve had my stuff packed. His too. The place was almost empty.”
“You probably liked it better that way.”
“I did. Made it easier.”
“I always thought he was a nice guy, but I guess I’m not always the best judge of people.” She wrapped a hand around her mug.
“He is nice. He’s more confused than I am. He didn’t mean to hurt me. That’s why he would have gone through with the wedding. He was terrified of breaking me.”
“You’re not so fragile that you could be broken.”
“I know that, but I don’t think he did.” He’d always been worried about me, he just showed it in strange ways.
“I’m glad you realize that.”
“My life is a cake walk compared to some other peoples’ lives.”
“That is entirely true, but it doesn’t make yours easier. Where is this wisdom coming from?”
“Nowhere.” I studied my coffee as though it held the answers.
“Cassidy?”
“Yes?” I looked up and met my mom’s eyes.
“How’s Leo?”
“He’s fine.” I broke eye contact again.
“Fine?”
“Yes. He’s fine.”
“What aren’t you telling me?”
“He has a daughter,” I mumbled.
“Say that again.”
I wasn’t sure why I was telling her except sometimes my mother was the only person I could really talk to. Other times she was the only one I couldn’t. “He has a daughter.”
“Oh.” Her response mirrored the one I’d had the night before.
“He’s a widow.”
“A widow?” She set down her coffee cup. “At his age?”
“Car accident.” I shared one of the few details I knew.
“That poor little girl.” Mom’s face filled with sadness.
“I know…”
“Have you met her?”
“No. She lives with her grandparents.”
“Oh, why not with him?” She sipped her coffee.
“I think he’s trying to get back on his feet.”
“That’s understandable.” She wrapped her hands around her mug again. “I can’t even imagine.”
“I know.”
“This changes things for you.”
“It doesn’t have to.” I brought the coffee to my lips and took a tentative sip.
“It doesn’t mean you can’t be with him, but it changes things. You need to admit that to yourself before you go any further with him.”
“You mean because I’d be part of her life too?”
“Yes.” She nodded. “You said there are grandparents involved? It has to be the mother’s parents. He said his lived on the west coast.”
“Yes.”
“They might not want you around her—there are going to be obstacles.” She released her coffee. She was making a list. Planning. She was so much better at that than I was. I could do it well for work, but I couldn’t for my personal life. It was as though I was naturally compartmentalized and nothing I could do or try could change that.
“I’m not planning to marry the guy.”
“But you are planning to spend time with him.”
“So what are you suggesting?”
“I’m not suggesting anything. I’m making sure you realize what you’re getting yourself into.”
“I don’t even know how long I’m going to be here.”
“You’re not going back to Philly.” She knew that as well as I did.
“No, I’m not. But I could go somewhere else.”
“Don’t lie to yourself. You have no plans to leave anytime soon.”
“I need to figure out what I want.”
“That you do.” Mom sipped her coffee.
“Don’t you have some advice?”
“This is new territory for me, but I do know you have to figure out what you want and what you really feel for him.”
“I feel something. There’s no question about that.”
“Have you felt that something before?”
“No. It’s a new something.”
She sighed. “You are so difficult to understand.”
“No I’m not. I’m simple.”
“You’re not. You feel and see things so differently than I do. You’ve always been that way.”
“And is that a bad thing?”
“No. Not at all. Sometimes I think you get more out of life than I do.”
“I’m going to see what happens.”
“Good.” She took another slow sip of coffee. “You can’t get anywhere in life if you don’t take chances.”
“You’re usually the one warning me to be careful.”
“Now isn’t the time for that. You’ve already jumped out of the plane. You might as well enjoy the fall.”
“The fall? Isn’t that a bad analogy?”
“No. It’s a fall—but that doesn’t mean it has to be bad. Sometimes the best parts of life come after you’ve fallen the furthest.”
“That strangely makes sense.”
“I know you don’t think I can relate, but I’ve lived a life too. I’ve made mistakes and fallen flat on my face, but I always got back up.”
I stood and gave her a hug. “That was a way more helpful pep talk than I expected.”
“I’ll pretend that wasn’t a back handed insult.”
“It wasn’t.” I returned to my coffee. I needed caffeine to keep me on my game.
* * *
The afternoon dragged on agonizingly slow. I went for a walk in the park, parking legally this time. It gave me something to do; however, it also made me think about Leo more, which wasn’t necessarily the best thing.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to think about him, but I didn’t want to think about how much I wanted him. I wasn’t used to that feeling. Usually in the beginning of a relationship I wasn’t concerned with what it would become. With Leo it was different. I was desperate to know if we’d work out. I’d never wanted a magic eight
ball more.
I finished my light hike and returned home in time to shower and change before driving over to his apartment. I was five minutes early, but this time I didn’t sit in the car.
I took a seat on the top step. I had more time to overthink things, which wasn’t good, but it was only five minutes. I’d been waiting all day. Surely I could handle five minutes more.
I heard footsteps and jumped up expecting to see Leo. Instead it was a woman who appeared to be in her mid-thirties. Her blonde hair was tied back, and her black skirt suit was paired with high heels that clattered on every step as she made her way up.
She paused on the step below me and held out her hand. “You must be Cassidy.”
She was so confident and was acting like she owned the place. That meant she probably did. “Hi. Are you Leo’s sister-in-law?” I returned her handshake.
“Yes. I’m Gabby.” She smiled.
“Nice to meet you.” I forced down my nerves. There was no reason to be nervous. I was an adult and had every right to be visiting Leo.
“Same to you. I’ve heard a lot about you, which says a lot if you know Leo.”
“Oh.” I was surprised he’d talked to his family about me.
“Oh?”
“I didn’t realize he’d mentioned me.” He’d been so secretive with me I assumed he was secretive with everyone.
“He hasn’t been out with a girl in ages, and he’s been out with you nearly every day since he met you. He also willingly talked about you, which says a lot.”
“Now I’m nervous about what he told you.”
“Your name, that you’re a few years younger than him, just broke off an engagement. You have an uncanny amount of things in common with him.”
“That sums it up mostly.” I didn’t need to bring up the job thing since I was no longer unemployed.
“He’s a good guy.”
“I know.” I wrapped my arms around myself.
“Please don’t hurt him.” Her eyes pleaded with me.
“I wasn’t planning on it.”
“He seems strong, but he’s fragile in his own way. Do you know his story? Has he finally told you?”
“Yeah. He did.”
“Then you can understand when I tell you he has these crazy walls built up—he has had them for as long as I’ve known him, but Nikki got under them. When she died he went into this depressed state. Then he snapped back.”
Forever Love: A Friends to Lovers Collections Page 49
