by B. K. Dell
Caleb gave Jackson a funny look. After thinking about it for a few minutes he reasoned, “So if I am the anti-Job, then God has theorized that the only reason I don’t believe in him is because my life has been so miserable.”
Jackson swayed his head back and forth, like he was weighing the idea on a teetering see-saw. He asked, “Is that the only reason?”
Caleb squinted for a second – it was almost a wince – when his own statement was thrown back at him. He did not answer, but continued his thought, “If I am the anti-Job, don’t you think that God would then cause me to not suffer, but experience great joy? Wouldn’t God use copious amounts of non-stop happiness in order to tempt me to leave Satan?”
Jackson pondered this for a second, then repeated, “Copious amounts of non-stop happiness?” He spread both arms and signaled their very environment, the squad bay, the drill instructor and the weeks they have been narrowly surviving boot camp. His expression read, What do you call all this?!
Caleb laughed out loud. He peeled the tan plastic off his MRE.
Jackson added in a more serious tone, “If it ever gets too rough here, I think about Job. God did not sell him out. God sees things from a far different vantage point. He knew that nothing Job would ever have to endure on Earth would amount to much when compared to the eternity of joy that God had in store for him in Heaven.”
“Do you think He has that in store for me?”
Jackson froze. He wished he had not walked into it. “I’m not sure.”
“That’s a cop out.”
“Probably.”
Caleb’s voice became very challenging. He looked directly at Jackson and asked straight out, “Can a homosexual make it into Heaven?”
Jackson wanted so badly to tell Caleb about God’s love and God’s grace. He wanted to tell Caleb about how Christ had transformed his own life. Instead, he was forced to start with that. He smiled and shrugged melodramatically. He said, “What do I know? Just last month I would have said that a homosexual couldn’t make it into the military! Yet, here you are.”
Caleb laughed. “So, when I get to the gates of Heaven, I need to remember, don’t ask, don’t tell?”
Jackson laughed, a bit longer than Caleb did.
Caleb tried again, “Quit stalling, do you believe that homosexuals go to Hell?”
Jackson returned his direct gaze. He cleared his throat and answered, “I believe that atheists go to Hell. If I were you, I would start there.”
“Do you really expect me to believe in a God who calls homosexuality a sin?”
“Why not? I believe in a God who calls lying is a sin.”
“So, we’re all sinners?”
“I’m sure it’s not your first time to hear that,” Jackson smiled. “All sin separates us from God. It is a gap that we cannot bridge on our own. It can only be bridged by God’s grace. When Jesus offered himself up as a sacrifice, he did it for all of us, for all people and all sins.”
“Thanks for the sermon, but you are still obfuscating. If I were to accept Jesus, I would have to give up all sex, wouldn’t I?”
Jackson hesitated. “There are people who are abstinent their whole lives for the sake of God. It does happen. And, they are probably less miserable than you think.” Jackson’s face tightened uncomfortably. He added, “And technically, you could have all the sex you want…in a marriage…with a woman. Technically.”
Caleb scoffed, “Gee, thanks.” Caleb loaded a bite of food onto his fork. When he was done chewing he asked, “Do you believe that accepting Jesus in my heart could make me magically straight?”
“Yes,” said Jackson to Caleb’s surprise. He added, “I also think that with faith we can move mountains, although I’ve never met anyone in either case who has done it!”
Caleb laughed.
Jackson continued, “The problem is, you are picturing a belief in God, and I am actually picturing God. People can’t judge the beliefs or actions of Christians if they start with the premise that God is not real – of course we would look kooky. When you really believe that there is an intelligence that created the universe and that He has granted us eternal life, then these details we are quibbling about – even the Herculean task of battling our sexual nature – just don’t amount to much. Once you truly understand the gift that Jesus has given us, then you would gladly do anything he asks, out of gratitude, not out of fear. And if we could really imagine eternity and really believe in it, nothing would ever be hard after that. Nothing at all. So, the only problem a man ever faces is not enough faith, because with enough faith a man would know that one orgasm, or one million, would be a small sacrifice for what we get in exchange – an eternity in the presence of God.”
“Well…” Caleb said with his mouth still full. He waited till he swallowed and continued, “It’s not the price that upsets me, it’s the fact that I would have to pay more. And someone else would have to pay less. According to your God, you have to abstain until marriage, I have to abstain until death. That’s not fair. Isn’t God supposed to be fair?”
Jackson shrugged. “He wasn’t fair to Job.”
“Yeah, and he hasn’t been fair to me. He has given me a life…” Caleb paused dramatically. It looked like he was just punched in the face by a distant memory. Jackson imagined that it might have been a few distant memories and they were probably kicking him as well. Caleb started over. “God has given me a life that I do not deserve.”
Jackson smiled. He was considering the statement’s other meaning. He said, “I have no disagreement with you there.”
Jackson got up to leave, but Caleb stopped him. He said, “Brooks, wait!” Jackson stepped back into the doorway of the stall, anxious for another opportunity to reach him. Caleb said, “Do you mind throwing this away for me?” and handed him an empty MRE tray.
“Thanks,” said Jackson. “Thanks.”
“So you really believe in God, the Bible, Christianity…all that?”
Jackson smirked at the phrasing, but answered, “I know that there is a God and that He loves me and wants me to be happy.”
“How do you know?”
Jackson reached into his pocket and pulled out the photo he’d received from Stephanie. “Because He creates miracles.”
The photo showed a beautiful young girl with grey eyes. Surrounding both of her pupils was a splash of yellow that looked like the sun bursting out around a lunar eclipse. She was genetically predisposed to have dark circles under her eyes, but Jackson liked the way the color merged into the brown freckles at the top of her cheeks, and when she smiled two deep dimples formed in those spots.
Caleb smiled. “She’s beautiful,” he said warmly, then took a quick second look at the picture. Caleb gave his best impression of a homosexual and said, “I just love her earrings. They’re fabulous!”
Jackson laughed.
After Jackson left, Caleb looked down at the envelope from his mom. He felt some comfort holding it. He put everything that Jackson had said out of his mind and focused on hearing his mother’s words. He anxiously tore the edge and pulled out the letter. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and read his mother’s words:
I finally found it! I knew that I still had it somewhere. I would never lose something so valuable. You know why I could not find it? Because I had put it in my safety deposit box. I put it there so that I would never lose it. Ironically that was the reason I couldn’t find it!
Your Grandfather served as an Infantry Weapons Officer in the ‘Fighting Fourth’ (4th Marine Division) during World War II. His nickname was TNT because he was always getting drunk and singing! ;) lol. That was his line. I never understood it then and I still don’t. I think that is what makes it so funny. He was part of the campaign to capture Saipan and would have gone on to Iwo Jima if he hadn’t taken shrapnel outside of Kanoa. Well, he made this necklace from the shrapnel they pulled out of his shoulder. He was lucky to have survived, and by extension, we were lucky to have ever been born!
As
you know, he had two girls, but I am not sure if I have ever told you how much he wanted a boy. I even think I married a Marine just to make him happy. But he never did like the man I married, so I think that the man he was waiting to give this to was you. I know he would be proud of you, Caleb. You are like the son he never had. You are brave and kind, just like he was. And now you are following in your grandfather’s footsteps, his boots.
Perhaps this will be lucky and protect you, since I am not there to protect you myself. I have never been any good at watching over you, and that is all I ever want in life – for you to be watched over.
I miss you so much. I am so proud of you. Please don’t be too hard on your Drill Instructor and fellow recruits. Show some mercy, okay?
Love, Mom
Caleb hadn’t felt anything else in the envelope when he opened it. He turned it over to check inside and he heard something fall onto the tile floor. He reached down to pick it up and held it to where his eyes could focus. The engraving on it read “June 27, 1944.” It had been sculpted into the shape of a cross.
As he held that cross in his hand, a new emotion overcame him. Everything in basic training had been going non-stop. He never really had a chance to reflect on what any of it meant. A warm feeling filled his face as he scribbled a quick note back to his mother. He wrote:
Dear Mom,
Jackson said that maybe God might be trying to draw me away from Satan with pleasure, the same way that Satan tried to draw Job away from God with pain. What pleasure? I asked him.
His answer was the Marine Corps… If that is true, I have spent too long underestimating God.
I am happy.
When I hated life, I for some reason feared death. Now I love life, I want to hold onto it, but I fear…nothing. I have found my identity. I have found my home. When you see me next, I will be a United States Marine.
He knew that the letter did not have time to reach her before he would see her in person on Family Day, the day before graduation and the first day that they were called Marines. He wanted to send it anyway.
Caleb did not put the cross around his neck, but tucked it back into the envelope. On his way back to the squad bay he passed Jackson who had found a spot a few stalls down. He was writing a letter – Caleb could only assume that it was to Stephanie – so Caleb stuck his head in. He said, “Hey, Brooks, guess what my grandfather’s nickname was when he was a Marine?”
“What?”
“TNT. You know why?”
“Because he was a Marine Gunner?”
“Actually, I think he was a Marine Gunner, but that wasn’t the reason he gave. He used to say, ‘They call me TNT because I like to get drunk and sing.’”
Jackson shrugged and shook his head. He smiled and said, “That’s hilarious.”
Caleb nodded and left Jackson to write.
Rounding the corner into the squad bay, Caleb saw something that stopped him dead in his tracks. He didn’t know how and he didn’t know when, but like magic, his rack had been made perfectly to satisfaction. An olive drab mystery-blanket had been tucked in with precise military corners. He scanned all the men in the room. No one looked over to him. Not one seemed to want to take credit for delivering such a gift. He scanned the racks in the room. Not one was missing a blanket. Where did they get this?
As Caleb curled up warm in his new blanket that night, he imagined that there must have been a recruit from Sgt Ward’s platoon, probably Anthony, currently freezing his tail off.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
As he sat polishing his shoes, Caleb shot a quick glance at Jackson who was watching him. Jackson smiled. Caleb exhaled hard, shaking his head. He felt more frightened than he did the day he stepped off the bus. Their families had come to watch them receive their Eagle, Globe and Anchor – the Marine Corps emblem which symbolizes air, land and sea. It was the first day that they were called Marines.
When the men approached the parade deck, they discovered that the press was there to cover the event. Seeing the reporters, Caleb could not help but remember his first run-in with them outside the USO building. If one measures the passing of time by number of accomplishments or amount of personal growth, then for Caleb, it had been an eternity since that day. It felt more like a mysterious memory from a past life than something that happened to him just a few months ago. Caleb imagined that, to the reporters, it had felt like no time at all.
The media presence was the only dampening of an otherwise perfect day. No one had expected to see them; no one knew why they were allowed on base. If SSgt Folsom was as irritated about the press as the men were, he did not show it. The recruits were irritated, not only because of their dislike of reporters, but because of the intimacy of the event. Only another Marine could know what this moment meant to them. The eyes of outsiders felt intrusive and offensive.
“That ticks me off,” whispered Trey. “I can’t explain why it makes me so angry; it just does.”
“Don’t throw your pearls before the swine,” offered Jackson. “You don’t want the greatness of this moment witnessed by those who can’t appreciate it.”
“No, there’s more to it than that. It’s just…” Trey searched for the words. “It’s just, there’s nothing so special about Caleb. He’s just like any other man here.”
Jackson misunderstood these remarks; he thought that maybe Trey was jealous of the attention.
Caleb, who had overheard the conversation, did not misunderstand at all and he felt that those were the greatest words anyone had ever said about him.
As they lined up at attention, SSgt Folsom swiftly made his way from man to man. He shook their hands, pinned the EGA on them, and said simply, beautifully, “Congratulations, Marine.” While waiting, Caleb’s mind raced. He envisioned the happy moment where SSgt Folsom wraps his arms around him and finally gets the chance to break character. He will hold Caleb tight in his strong embrace and whisper in his ear that it had all been theater the whole time. And he will seize his last opportunity to go on record, so that Caleb will not silently wonder for the rest of his life – It never mattered to me that you were gay. I knew that your homosexuality would cause problems with unit cohesion. I not only wanted to make you respectable through your quiet suffering, but I wanted to try you through fire, a fire so hot that it produced a blade so fine that all who beheld you in their sights would see a glorious warrior, not a frightened homosexual.
It didn’t happen.
As SSgt Folsom approached, Caleb could feel the news cameras zooming in on him, the same way that he could always feel SSgt Folsom’s eyes, even while standing at attention. SSgt Folsom stepped into Caleb’s line of sight, presented to him the EGA, and in a voice completely indistinguishable from the tone used for everyone else, he said, “Congratulations, Marine.” He shook Caleb’s hand just like, as Trey had put it, any other man there. At the moment that SSgt Folsom’s hand clutched his, Caleb couldn’t help but wonder if his father was watching live somewhere in the world.
SSgt Folsom announced their depot liberty. Most of the Marines turned and hugged each other. Many of them had tears in their eyes. Caleb ran straight into his mother’s arms. Her cheeks were wet and when Caleb hugged her, she got her tears all over his face. Caleb knew that the cameras were filming every second, but he couldn’t stop himself, the look on his mother’s face made him burst into tears himself. Caleb had always had a hard time holding back tears, but at least this time was different, these were tears of joy. Caleb felt that this was a moment that could not be captured on film. The gawkers could never truly understand the meaning.
“Caleb, I am so proud of you,” Cheryl kept repeating. “I am so so proud of you.”
When they finally let go, Caleb turned his head to see Jackson approaching with a girl on his arm. It was then that his mother first noticed the scar that extended out from underneath Caleb’s cap and down to the back of his neck. She could tell it was an old scar, but she had never seen it before and had never heard the story of the three hom
eless men. It reminded her of the painful years in which the two of them had no contact and that there was a period in his life that still remained closed to her.
When Jackson stepped forward, Caleb extended his hand to shake Jackson’s for the first time as two Marines. Jackson ignored the hand and opened both arms to hug him. As soon as they let go, Caleb turned to the girl and said excitedly, “And this must be the miracle?”
Stephanie blushed a little as she extended her hand to Caleb and said, “It is an honor to meet you Private Hertz. I’ve heard so much about you.”
Caleb wrongly assumed she had heard it from Jackson. He ignored her outstretched hand with the same treatment that Jackson had given him and opted to hug Stephanie instead.
Caleb then turned to his mother and said, “Hey Mom, this is my friend, Jackson Brooks.”
Caleb’s mom in all the excitement reached out and hugged Jackson, too.
It was then that the microphones advanced. All the networks had sent their prettiest newswomen in hopes of getting more Marines eager to talk to them. No one but Caleb did.
Their very first question was, “Where is Stacy Oliver?”
A smile crossed Caleb’s lips. Something jumped into his head, something about a massage in a sauna, but he didn’t say it. “He’s in Los Angeles, ma’am.”
“How does it feel to be a Marine?”
“Well, if you are curious, ma’am, I can get you the name of my recruiter.”
“How does it feel for you to be a Marine?” the reporter quickly amended.
“You would not believe me, ma’am.”
“How did they receive you?”
Caleb did not appreciate being referred to like a package. He said, “They opened the door and signed for me.”
“I mean, were they nice?”
“Of course, ma’am. Who isn’t nice in boot camp? At the end of the first week, they threw me a party.”
