by M. Robinson
He was now holding onto Yuly as he looked me in the eyes, snapping her head from her body.
“NO!” I shouted loud enough to break glass, reaching for her before he threw her across the room.
As if she was nothing.
When she meant everything to me.
“I hate you! I hate you! I hate you, so much!” I sobbed, struggling against Damien’s arms. Bringing my hands up to his neck, I scratched my nails down to his chest. Leaving a trail of blood in their wake. I needed to get to Yuly.
Damien forcefully threw me onto the floor like a rag doll, hitting my head with a thud. I shuddered from the impact of his strength.
“You fucking bitch!” Damien raged, looking down at me with hate in his eyes. His demeanor quickly changing. “Leave us, NOW! I’ll take care of this little bitch!”
“I should fuck the disobedience right out of her,” one of the men fumed, walking out the door with the other man. Leaving us alone.
“I said I got her! Now get the fuck out!”
Before I gave it another thought, Damien pulled his gun out from the back of his fatigues. It was then that another brutal reality came crashing down on me.
I. Was. Wrong.
So very wrong…
The monster hadn’t left, he was standing right in front of me. Pulling the trigger.
Ending it all…
For me.
I didn’t give it a second thought.
I grabbed a book of matches from the end table, striking the strip, watching the end spark. Taking a second to smell the sulfur before throwing the stick on the floor. Lighting the godforsaken house on fire. I was right, it only took seconds for the shitty, thin wood to catch fire. Orange and red flames crept over the massacre, igniting the blood, erasing the night like it never happened.
I took one last look at her small, lifeless body lying on the floor in front of me. Remembering the look in her eyes when my gun was aimed directly in her face, before she took her last breath. There was nothing I could do anymore.
What was done, was done.
This was my life…
Now, forever, and all the days in between.
I walked out of the house completely numb, as the flames erupted behind me. Engulfing the shack, burning the bodies of the loving family that once lived there.
Their blood eternally on my hands.
“What the fuck?” Salazar questioned, cocking his head to the side. He was leaning against his limo with my father and Pedro by his side. The other guards were already waiting inside the vehicle.
“Que?” I replied, “What?”
“La niña? ¿La mataste?” he asked, “The girl? You killed her?”
“You said she was my responsibility. What the fuck would I do with a little girl?”
“Damien, she was a child. You didn’t need—” my father started.
“I didn’t need to do what?” I interjected him, stepping up in his face for the second time that night. “I’m sorry, I don’t know how any of this works. My father must have forgotten to mention he was a cold-blooded killer. Isn’t this what you wanted? Training me all these years, preparing me to become a soldier? I did what I had to do. In my eyes, she was a fucking liability. You want her running her mouth to anyone who will listen? Because I sure as shit don’t. I did her a favor, she’s with her family now. It’s where she belongs.”
Salazar narrowed his eyes at me, grinning. “A saint one minute, a sinner the next. You see, Damien, you and I are not that different at all. You’re such a loose fucking cannon—a wild card. I’ve always admired that about you. Never knowing what you’re going to do. Keeps things interesting.”
I eyed him up and down, repeating his words, “Fatherland or death, we shall win.”
“You should have seen how he threw the little bitch down,” Pedro chuckled. “We let you have your first kill to yourself, motherfucker, the way it should always be. But next time… we get to watch.”
Emilio smiled, pushing off his limo. “It gets easier, just ask your father, but unlike him, you don’t pick up strays,” he chuckled, walking over to me, and I resisted the urge to ask him what he meant.
“I knew it wouldn’t take long until you saw things my way. You’re a true Cuban. A goddamn soldier, and I’m fucking proud to have you stand by me.” Throwing his arm over my shoulder, he tugged me into his side. “This is only the beginning. Tonight was nothing compared to what I have in store for you. You will accomplish big things with my guidance. Before you know it, you’ll be just like me. Everything you wanted, trained for, came true tonight, Damien,” he affirmed, nodding to his men. “Now, let’s get the fuck out of here and let these traitors rot in Hell, where they belong.”
I stepped into the vehicle, taking a seat in the same spot I had when we arrived. Sinking into the black leather and leaning my head back against the headrest. I caught a glimpse of my face amongst the flames, reflecting off the tinted glass. No longer recognizing the man staring back at me, as I watched the house burn to the ground.
“How did it feel to have your first taste of pussy? Her virgin blood on your cock? She loved it. Don’t let her fool you, I know you heard the puta’s moans. A little advice for next time, it feels much better when you actually come,” Salazar mocked, making everyone laugh right along with him. Except my father, he was lost in his thoughts. Staring out the tinted window.
I scoffed, “I guess unlike all the men in this limo, I can fuck for longer than five minutes.”
They all laughed harder, throwing their heads back. Salazar handed me a bottle of bourbon and I greedily took it down, inhaling the burn of the fiery liquid with fucking pleasure. I wanted to forget. I wanted to pretend like tonight never happened.
Knowing it was far from fucking over.
I didn’t know how much time went by before the limo came to a halt outside of my house. “Get some sleep. Got an early morning tomorrow. Be at my house by seven,” Emilio instructed, breaking me from my trance-like state of emptiness.
I gave him a curt nod and stepped out, quickly realizing I was the only one to exit the vehicle as it drove away. I shook my head, unfazed. It wasn’t unusual for my father to stay by Salazar’s side, leaving me to fend for myself. Except this time, it had nothing to do with his duties and loyalty to our leader. He was purposely avoiding me.
Ashamed. Fully aware of the fucking monster in the making.
Me.
I shook off the thoughts, making my way inside. Setting what I had on the counter, I went straight into the shower, fatigues and all. Trying to rinse away the night’s memories that would forever be a part of me. Letting the hot water burn into my skin, needing to feel something, anything, again. Watching all the blood from the lives I had taken swirl around the drain.
Out of sight, but it would never be out of mind.
After the water turned cold, I got out. Going about my business before jumping into my car and driving off into the night. It didn’t take long until I reached my first destination, rushing up the front steps and knocking on the door. She answered immediately, looking confused.
“I need your help,” I simply stated, handing over what I was carrying.
She didn’t ask any questions, giving it back to me once she was done. I kissed her cheek and just as fast as I had arrived, I was gone.
The streets were dark and empty, and I welcomed the solitude. The storm in my mind had come and gone, but the wind remained as I drove down memory lane. I parked my car on the gravel path just after one in the morning. Turning off the engine, but leaving the headlights on to see through all the haze and dust falling from the night’s sky.
I took a deep breath to steady my nerves before exiting my car. Making sure to grab what was sitting in my passenger seat, I tucked it in the back of my jeans, right beside my gun. The stench, lingering in the air immediately assaulted my senses, but I didn’t pay it any mind. Too focused on the responsibility I still had. One foot in front of the other, I was pulled to my purpose. Hearing n
othing but the charred debris beneath my boots and the wind whistling in the trees. Faint sounds of what was to come.
I never believed in having a bond with someone, never thought about fate or destiny or any of that bullshit. Never considered being tied to a soul through a connection that didn’t make any sense. Though the second I stepped into that barn, I knew exactly where she’d be hiding.
As if her heart was now linked to mine.
I turned on the soft lighting, illuminating the open space of the decrepit structure. Stepping further into the barn to take a quick look around. It was fairly empty except for some old farming tools on the furthest wall and barrels of hay scattered throughout the area.
The ladder to the hay loft was lying partially broken on the ground. Like it had been kicked off the ledge it was once secured to, above my head. I couldn’t help but chuckle as I set the intact part of the splintered wood against the nearest support beam, in the corner. Taking two steps at a time, I hoisted my six-foot-four frame up, clearing the missing space to climb up to the loft to get her.
An immediate sense of pride washed over me as I made my way up there. Another feeling that made no fucking sense to me. I had no idea who she was, but I already had an emotional attachment to her. Proud as fuck she was smart enough to try to derail anyone from coming to hurt her again. I moved a few barrels of hay out of the way, pushing them over the edge of the loft to clear the small space.
What I saw next hurt me in ways I didn’t think were possible. Not after what I’d witnessed and participated in that night. She was sitting in the back corner with her knees pressed against her chest. Both arms tightly wrapped around her legs, caging in a few baby chicks on her lap. Holding a hammer in her grasp so fucking tight that her knuckles had turned white.
“Jesus Christ,” I breathed out, taking in her father’s dried-up blood all over her face and body. The way she wasn’t moving, just sitting there like a scared little mouse. She hadn’t peered at me once, staring blankly out in front of her.
Lost.
I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but I didn’t know where to start. There was so much to fucking say, so many explanations and apologies to be made, but not nearly enough time for me to amend them. I was frozen in front of her, picturing the life she would never have. The years of memories that would forever haunt her. Any mistakes or regrets she may be feeling. It all came rushing over me, piling on top of my conscience. The weight suffocating me like I was being buried alive. The rage and adrenaline was still pumping through my veins, searing to the point of pain.
Hating myself even more for what I had done.
“Amira…” I coaxed, surrendering my hands out in front of me as I crouched down to her level. Needing her to understand I wasn’t going to hurt her any more than I already had.
Nothing.
I could see the night flashing before her eyes with no end in sight. Every last second of it playing out in front of her with nowhere for her to hide this time.
“Amira, my name is Damien. Can you look at me please? I need you to look at me… Can you do that for me?”
She sucked in air, snapping out of her worst nightmare. Turning her attention to gaze at me, as if she just realized I was there with her. She immediately scooted back, further away from me and into the wall like she was trying to mold herself into the wood. Her lips wouldn’t stop shaking, staring at me with wide, petrified eyes. She lifted her trembling hand in the air, showing me she had a weapon.
Her demeanor broke what was left of my fucking heart. Replicating with the image of her standing there traumatized in front of me, while her sister Teresa lay dead in my arms.
The life that was taken away from Amira so harshly, so violently, so fucking unfairly.
As if we both never left the scene of the crime.
“It’s okay… remember? I told you to run into the barn and hide, and I’d come back for you.”
She winced, shutting her eyes. Sinking deeper into the abyss where her mind had gone, fiercely shaking her head back and forth.
“Amira, tengo algo para ti, mira… Por favor, muñeca, ayúdame para que pueda ayudarte,” I voiced, “Amira, I have something for you, look… Please, doll, help me so I can help you.”
I didn’t know what possessed me to call her that, but as soon as I said it, she slowly started opening her gaze like it brought back some sort of memory for her. Our eyes connected as I clutched onto her doll in the back of my jeans.
After she hauled ass from the house, out the back door where no one could see her run to hide, I grabbed the broken pieces of her doll and hid them under my fatigues. No one noticed, though why would they, I played the goddamn part perfectly.
Once I got home, I took a shower, mostly for her sake. The last thing I wanted was for her to see me in the same shape I was in before I left. Covered in her sister’s blood. It didn’t take me long to get to Rosarío’s house so she could fix and clean up the doll. Making it look almost as good as new.
Amira cautiously watched as I pulled the doll from behind my back, slowly placing it in between us. This was my last bit of hope, silently praying she would know this was my way of extending some sort of olive branch to her.
Where she could meet me in the middle to try to mend the future of both our lives. I was going to be in her life, whether she wanted me to be or not.
It would just make things easier if she allowed it.
“Yuly?” she finally spoke. Her eyes welling up with fresh tears, not believing what she was seeing. The sight of the small doll restoring a little piece of what was left of her heart.
I nodded not knowing what else to say, or how to make any of this easier for her. The doll was the only thing I had from her previous life. It didn’t make things right by any means, but I was hopeful it would provide her with a little comfort.
Something…
Anything…
For her to keep living.
Our eyes never strayed from one another as she hesitantly reached for the doll. Taking it out of my hands.
“Muñeca, I’m not going to hurt you,” I sincerely stated in Spanish. “You’re going to have to trust me.”
She stared at me and then down at her doll with so much confusion in her stare. Unsure what to think or what to do. Searching Yuly for some answers. She had to realize that she had no choice. At the end of the day, I was her only hope. I’d drag her out of here kicking and screaming if I had to, and I think a part of her was already aware of that.
“We have to go.”
I brought her attention back to me. “Where? Where do I go?” she whispered loud enough for me to hear.
“You let me worry about that.” I stood, extending my hand for her to take.
Her glare shifted to my hand and then down to her lap where the baby chicks were still lying.
“They can come too,” I answered her unspoken question. Ready to do whatever it took to get her the fuck out of there.
She peered back up at me, narrowing her eyes. Trying to figure me out. Put together the missing pieces of the puzzle that were spread right out in front of her. “You promise… you promise you’re not going to hurt me? I’m safe with you? From the monsters…”
For the third time tonight, it felt like I took another bullet to my goddamn heart. So, I simply replied, “You’re safe with me, Muñeca.”
She nodded like she believed me, placing the chicks in the twine basket beside her. Not saying a word as she warily grabbed ahold of my hand to leave this place once and for all. I carried her on my back down the ladder, telling her to wait for me while I went back up to grab her basket of chicks.
She sat in the backseat holding her baby doll tight, shedding some more tears for the life she was leaving behind. Occasionally, our gazes would meet in the rearview mirror, and I’d offer her a slight smile for reassurance. She’d just wipe away some stray tears and go back to observing out the window. When we hit the main road out of fucking Hell, she finally let her exhaustion take
her under.
I once again drove to the only home I’d ever truly known. Just after two in the morning, Rosarío opened the door startled, blinking away her sleepy haze. Being woken up by me for the second time that night. She took one look at me and then down to the little girl covered in dried-up blood, who was hiding behind my legs. Her face tucked into her doll and the baby chicks.
Rosarío didn’t hesitate, instantly greeting, “Come in.”
I followed Damien into the house he brought me to, trying to keep my tears at bay. Scared he was just going to leave me here with some strange woman and I’d never see him again. I didn’t know why I felt such an emotional attachment to a man I’d only just met.
A complete stranger.
When he raised his gun up to my face for the second time tonight, for a split-second I thought he was really going to kill me. But he didn’t. He moved his gun to the left and pulled the trigger, hitting the wall instead. Immediately rushing me out the backdoor to get away. Ordering me to run to the barn as fast as I could and stay there till he came back for me.
I didn’t think twice about it. I ran through the open field that used to bring me so much happiness. Waiting for my papi to chase after me and tickle me to the ground. But those days were gone. The light burning inside me was snuffed out by evil. I didn’t look back, I just ran until I was by myself in the barn. Watching the only home I’d ever known burn to a pile of ashes in front of my eyes.
I was scared.
I was alone.
I hated being alone.
I grabbed a hammer and the only flashlight we owned, not wanting to turn on the barn lights and attract unwanted attention. I gathered my favorite baby chicks in Mami’s twine basket and used the ladder to go up and hide in the loft. Kicking it over before tucking myself behind a stack of hay, waiting. It was my second favorite hiding spot, often spending time up there when Papi was away. I waited for what felt like forever, trying to find comfort through my furry babies, but the images of the night wouldn’t leave me alone.
A nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.
