by Drew Sera
“What happened? Wait, does anyone know where you’re at?”
I snapped at him.
“I don’t need a fucking parent, Matt!”
Pushing down the pain, I stood and started to walk again but Matt caught up to me and yanked me by my arm spinning me around to look at him.
“Sometimes, you do. You didn’t see what your walking out on Colin did to him that night. I did. I was there to pick up the pieces that you left when you decided you couldn’t deal with the pain. Remember?”
What a terrible, fucking mistake I made that night. And I would never, ever be able to live that down. It’s obviously been on the tip of Matt’s tongue for a while now. Otherwise, I don’t think he would have said it.
I started to feel dizzy and my stomach tightened when I was forced to think about that night. I thought back to being face down on the floor, cuffed to the leg of my couch in my high rise getting beat on...and everything else. I opened my eyes and Matt stood closer to me now. He looked like he was sorry for saying what he said.
“Don’t worry, Matt. I got what I deserved that night. I deserved every bit of it.”
“Anthony,” he was walking closer to me now and I was backing away from him. He reached out quickly and grabbed me by my shirt again and pulled me closer until he could wrap his arm around my shoulder. I didn’t want to be touched right now and tried to move away but failed. I ached too much to fight. “Come on, it’s cold out. Let’s go inside. I’ll get you some coffee.”
Weakness that was running through my body made me agree to go inside with Matt. I sat down at the kitchen table and remained quiet until Matt brought over two mugs of coffee and sat down across from me.
“Anthony, let me apologize for saying what I did outside. I know you’re not a child.” Matt didn’t take his eyes off me as he sipped his coffee. “That night you left, Colin was going crazy. I’ve watched you and him co-top over the years and knew you two had a special bond. But when Sydney was taken and there were those few days without you, I could really see how close you and Colin are and what your absence was doing to him. He relies on you and needs you. That night you came home, the two of you clung to each other. He went through hell those few days without Sydney and you. Hell, Anthony.” He took a long sip of his coffee and effectively made me feel worse. “When I saw you sitting on the curb and you said you did something stupid, I was worried. But the next thing in my head was if Colin didn’t know where you were. He’d worry, then Sydney would worry…” I cut him off so he wouldn’t waste his breath.
“I left a note next to the bed saying I was going for a jog. I am trying hard not to fuck things up, Matt. But I have a knack for doing just that. I’m not very good at this relationship stuff.” I looked up at Matt and let something roll out of my mouth. “I’m beginning to think that Colin and Sydney will be better off without me, Matt.”
I wasn’t prepared for the additional searing pain that squeezed my chest when I said those words out loud. I have thought them ever since I woke up in the hospital.
“Anth, Sydney and Colin wouldn’t survive without you. You think I’m kidding? When Colin and I found Sydney, she was in shock. She wasn’t talking. She didn’t talk for a few days, in fact. Each time she woke up, she’d look around the room hoping to see you. One of the nights she woke up and was panicking pretty badly. Colin and I tried to get her to talk, but she couldn’t. He gave her his phone to see if she could type. She typed your name. You are at the forefront of their thoughts. They both love you and need you. And you love them. I know you didn’t have a very good example while you were growing up. There are good days and then there are rough days. But it’s the love that gets you through those rough days. What happened this morning that had you running away from them?”
“Sydney. I woke up and she was rubbing on me. I was hard and started moving my hips to get closer and...I think it scared her. She froze and wouldn’t talk to me when I tried to apologize. She rolled away from me to the safety of Colin. I hated how I felt.”
“Anthony, it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not! I fucking ruined the faintest trust she might have barely had in me. I can’t stay there with her scared of me. Colin won’t want me around.”
“Things are going to take time, you have to be patient.”
I wasn’t going to win with Matt. Best thing to do now was shut up and just go home and try not to screw up again. I finished my coffee and thanked him for bringing me out of the cold. I let him drive me home and before I could think of what to do when I got home, Matt started in on me again.
“Anth, do you remember everything that happened the night you left Colin’s?”
I would never be able to forget it. I shook my head at him denying that I remembered any of it, thanked him for the ride and coffee and headed up the driveway. Home.
Chapter 23
Wednesday, February 5th
Matt
I felt bad for Anthony and Sydney. Anthony was beating himself up over being human this morning and poor Sydney was probably just trying to return to some normalcy. I was a dick again to Anthony again because I threw it back in his face for leaving that night.
I knew something wasn’t right with him that night Blake brought him home. He was jumpy, easily agitated and in a lot of pain. Something bad had gone on but he didn’t seem to remember much of it. If he did, he didn’t even trust his friends to let them help him. I knew Blake had tried and tried with him while he stayed there, but he was most at ease with Colin.
It bothered me more this morning to hear him tell me that he deserved every bit of what happened that night, than for me to hear that he thinks he scared Sydney. He’d die for her; he loves her more than life itself. It kills him to think that he hurt her. I remember his face when he made her safeword at Irons.
When I drove him home, I asked him if he remembered that night. Blake said Anthony couldn’t recall much or at least he wouldn’t admit to remembering it. I don’t think Colin had found anything else out yet either. Either he remembers and is pushing it away or really is in the dark about that night. No matter which it is, I think it’s fucking with his head. It’s time Colin and I find out so we can offer help and maybe some closure. At least that way Anthony can stop worrying over it.
Before I saw my first patient, I dug out the phone number that Will gave me for Victor and decided to give him a call. I had seen Victor before and we had been introduced at an event held at Irons. I don’t think Will was a close friend of Victor’s but they were acquaintances through a sadist club. So, going to Will to get information wasn’t going to be much help. I was going to the source.
Chapter 24
Wednesday, February 5th
Colin
I heard the front door open and then the locks slide back over. Good, Anth was back from his jog. I was still snuggled up in bed with our girl and was spooning behind her, facing the door to the hall. Anthony came through the doorway and stared at us.
“Anth,” I greeted as he approached the bed. He didn’t look very good and I could tell something was wrong. I didn’t think he should be out jogging but didn’t nag on him. I propped myself up while maintaining contact with Sydney. “Aren’t you cold? Why didn’t you at least wear a sweatshirt?”
“I don’t know. I probably would have gotten too hot.”
He sat down on the edge of the bed looking down at Sydney. Sydney pulled her arm out from the blankets and reached for him. He looked like he was relieved and took her offered hand.
“I’m sorry, sunshine,” he whispered. I sat up all the way and looked at him and then Sydney. Something had happened.
Anthony explained what happened early this morning while Sydney sat in my arms but held his hand. I knew Anthony was beating himself up over this and he didn’t need to.
“I’m sorry if I made things worse, Sir. I feel…ugly.” Sydney started to cry which makes Anthony and I feel like we’ve been punched in the gut.
“Baby, no. Honey, why would you feel ugly? Hmm?” She w
ouldn’t say anything and continued to look down at the sheets. I knew what she was feeling was a direct, expected response from being held captive and tormented. It was going to take time and Anthony and I will help her. “It’s okay, baby. Chris is coming over today and I think this would be good for us to talk about with him.”
I did think Anthony was doing a little better but he seemed to still feel bad about this morning. Chris was coming over after lunch and I would make sure the three of us talked about this too.
We had gone to see Matt this morning for Sydney’s follow up visit. Everything was healing nicely and as hoped. Thankfully, her cuts and welts were doing well because we’ve been taking good care of them and cleaning them often. I couldn’t help but noticed tension in the air between Matt and Anthony. Matt asked Anthony if he was doing okay and tried to get Anthony to let him check him over. That didn’t go anywhere. Despite Anthony being in the hospital, Matt never really got a chance to examine all of his wounds. Doctors cleaned and bandaged him daily, but Matt never got to analyze everything as he had wanted.
When we got home, I was in my den handling some work emails when there was a knock on the door. I had the door opened, but Anthony still knocked before coming in.
“Hey,” I said and made an upward nod at him. He came in and sat across from me.
“Col, Chris will be here soon.”
“Yeah, I’m just about finished. I need to give Cheng a call tonight. Mitch said he talked to Cheng early this morning and Cheng sounded concerned that he hadn’t heard from me or why most communication was coming from Mitch instead of me. So, I need to calm him.”
“Colin, that deal is so important to your company. I’ll help and do anything you need me to do, but you are the driving force on it. You’re what impressed Cheng. He’s very close to delivery and you’ve got to be at the forefront from here out, man.”
I shut my laptop and looked at him.
“Anthony, I realize the importance of this deal. But it’s not our only deal.”
“No, but it’s fucking huge. Two huge international contracts. Colin, don’t be modest.”
“Look, I will calm Cheng down tonight.”
“You better. But just so we’re clear, you do what you need to do for this contract, Colin. I am capable of taking care of Sydney if you need to be in the office.”
“No. Not happening. I told you I was taking a leave of absence. Sydney and you are more important.”
The doorbell rang and Anthony and I headed out to get the door as Sydney was coming out of the kitchen. We all settled in the great room and Chris pulled out his notebook. I brought up that Sydney told Anthony and I that she felt ugly. Chris nodded as if he wasn’t surprised. He explained to Sydney this is a common feeling often associated with victims of sexual assault. He asked Sydney to elaborate more on what she meant this morning.
“I don’t feel attractive anymore. Colin and Anthony won’t touch me like they used to. Like they’re afraid, or maybe they know the stuff Paul did and they don’t want me anymore. They can do so much better. They can find a nice girl who doesn’t have stuff like I do in my past. I’m afraid they won’t desire me anymore. They won’t sleep naked anymore and they keep me clothed.”
Oh, fuck. I hated hearing stuff like this come from her. It wasn’t true, and I am determined to show her otherwise.
“Sydney, these are common feelings to have considering what you’ve been through…” Chris started to speak but was cut off by Anthony putting his hands on either side of Sydney’s face and kissing her hard on the lips. It was actually pretty sexy. He took the upper hand and though he gently held her face in his hands, he passionately kissed her. When he pulled away from her face, his eyes were heated as he stared at her.
“You’re wrong, Sydney. I know I speak for Colin too when I tell you that he and I are very much in love with you. No matter all the fucking shit you’ve endured. You saw how my body reacted to you touching me this morning. It felt so good to have you touch me like that. I got greedy and lost my head this morning and I’m so sorry for making you feel uncomfortable, but I love you and I don’t want to move too fast or scare you.”
Anthony turned to face Chris with a look of anguish on his face.
“I don’t know how I should or shouldn’t act.”
“Anthony, I can say that all three of you have a lot to work around. There are going to be things you or Colin will do or act on that will get good reactions from Sydney and some things that won’t get positive reactions. What you guys need to do is continue to keep the open communication and talk through your feelings.”
Chris stayed and talked more with us about this morning and about how Anthony and I need to feel confident enough to begin to slowly incorporate some intimacy.
“Intimacy isn’t going to hurt Sydney. Tenderness isn’t going to hurt Sydney. Kissing or making out isn’t going to hurt Sydney. Walking on eggshells and being afraid of physical contact, sexual or not, is going to hurt Sydney. I’m not saying that you three return to doing the beginning rope scenes that you had been starting to do before she went missing the second I leave today. But you guys can’t be afraid.”
I nodded with his words. I explained that I was very much to blame for our sexual engine being stalled at the moment.
“I was afraid of what she could or couldn’t handle.”
“How will you know, Colin, unless you guys try? Use your safe words. All three of you have a word. Use it if you need it, but try. Colin, Anthony look back to when you both started getting involved with Sydney. You weren’t sure where that line lay either, but you tried. Sydney has been seen by physicians and you’ve got Matt watching over her as well. Physically, she’s recovering just fine. You two will be the most crucial part of helping her recover emotionally.”
After Chris was done talking to the three of us, he sat on the patio with Sydney and talked with her privately. Anthony and I stayed inside and tried talking through some possible things for us to try with her.
“Anth, are you feeling like going out for dinner? Nothing fancy, but I thought it might help if we could get out of the house some.”
He agreed and this evening we went to Pizza City. Sydney was fine in the car and quickly went on heightened alert when we entered the busy restaurant. I made my way to the host podium while Anthony stood with her away from the crowds. While we waited for a table, I stood close to her. I spent the time watching her as she watched the people around her. She was nervous, but I could see that she wasn’t petrified. Anthony sat next to her in a booth and I sat across from them. We ordered a large cheese pizza and Sydney was asking Anthony and I questions about the Cheng delivery next month. She was curious and it was a safe, comfortable topic for all three of us.
Though Sydney talked during dinner, she didn’t seem to completely settle down. Neither did Anthony. I was glad to see that both of them were eating at least. The medication has been rough on Anthony. Matt and Anthony’s doctors insist he’s not allergic to it and confirms that he needs it. Each time that I think he’s getting better, I wake up in the dead of night hearing him sick in the bathroom. He’s either nursing his stomach or a fever. I tell him to wake me up next time, but he never does. I don’t know if he just doesn’t want Sydney alone or if he just doesn’t want attention on him. I felt like even though I had both of them back and home, that I didn’t really have them. And that was a feeling I wanted out of my system as quickly as possible.
Things seemed to progress in the right direction for us in the evening and Anthony and I continued to try to push us forward. The three of us stepped into the shower together and Sydney asked if she could wash us. I was encouraged by her bravery and let her go at her own pace. I stood opposite the bench where Anthony sat and let Sydney lather me up. Anthony watched with intense eyes as Sydney slowly washed my dick and balls. By the time Sydney was done washing me, I was hard. I had stretched my arms out and held them against the rock shower wall and glass on either side while Sydney swirled her inde
x finger around the head of my dick. Fuck, it felt good. It took a lot of control for me to remain with my hands on the wall and glass so she’d feel safe and not threatened. We needed to let her run at her pace with things like this for a while and encourage it by being patient with her.
While she continued to play lightly with me I remembered our talk with Chris about not being afraid to explore again with her. Anthony was right there, so I felt safe in trying. I knew I wouldn’t hurt her and deep down she and Anthony knew. But none of us knew how she’d react to being touched sexually. Yet.
I let my arms relax to my side and looked down at her. She wasn’t looking at me but was concentrating on my hard dick in her hands.
“Eyes, baby.”
I was happy there was no hesitation on her part. Her dark blues held a certain amount of anticipation and hope. I ran around in those eyes for a good few minutes looking for anything that would tell me not to proceed. When I was certain that I didn’t see it, I put my hands on her cheeks and continued to look for her safe word being screamed at me with her eyes. But they were quiet and clear. I bent down and kissed her lips softly. When she opened her mouth to me I gently pushed my tongue inside and found her soft pink tongue. I teased it lightly and while my body was telling me to keep going, my mind was telling me to go slow. While we kissed, she reached up and put her hands on my chest. I relaxed and exhaled triumphantly between our kissing. It felt incredible to have her hands roam around my chest. Her thumbs grazed my nipples and moved lazily through my chest hair.
Our girl was still here with us. I grew emotional though when I opened my eyes back up and saw all the trust in her eyes that I’ve always seen when I looked deep into her blues. She looked down and then when she looked back up at me, she was wearing a beautiful smile. She was happy. I stroked her cheek and continued to look at her.
“Oh, baby. I love you.”
