by Drew Sera
Anthony knew I had crap on my mind also. I felt like I did the other day when he and I sat out on the deck and I told him about my dream and fears I had of not being able to tell either of them that we lost the other. While I knew he had enough on his own plate, I knew that he still had my back. I slowly took the pen and an outstretched strip of paper from him and nodded my thanks. He smiled and returned to tying the paper to the rock from Sydney.
I let a lot of my worries become the focal point of my thoughts for a few minutes. I’ve worried about the two of them non-stop for weeks now and have gone through a variety of feelings all across the spectrum. The one thing that I worry about the most, I’m terrified to voice. But to write it? Yeah, I could write this and throw it as far as I could.
I worry that I won’t be enough to help Sydney and Anthony.
I stared at my words and was lost for a moment until I heard a painful noise from Anthony. I quickly looked over and he was holding his side where he had been stabbed.
“I think we’re going to need Batman to throw the rocks, sunshine.”
“Are you ok, Sir?
“I’m perfect. I’m here with you guys. Little sore on my side so we’ll let Batman show off his arm.” He sat down all the way this time on the blanket and Sydney snuggled up next to him while she wrote on her next piece of paper.
I made eye contact with him and handed him my piece of paper so he could tie it to the rock. He glanced at the paper with my words and then looked up at me. He and I had a silent conversation as Sydney wrote. I knew he was telling me not to worry about that, but I know there is so much going on for the two of them. Anthony tied the paper to the rock and held it out for me.
“Throw this as far as you can and forget about it, Batman.”
I stood and gripped the rock and hurled it as far as I could. I kept my eye on the spot where it sunk in the ocean.
“Nice throw, Sir,” Sydney said.
“Batman is showing off, sunshine. He likes to flex his muscles here and there.”
Sydney giggled and Anthony pulled Sydney to sit on his lap. She continued to write and I offered the pen to Anthony. He shook his head though and wrapped his arms around Sydney.
“I’ve got my hands full, here. Oh plus, I almost forgot…”
Anthony was always prepared with an answer as to why he couldn’t share or unload something on his chest or mind. He leaned back and pulled out a small bag of M&M’s from his pocket, instantly making Sydney smile.
By the time Sydney had gone through all of the strips of paper and many of the rocks were back in the ocean, she had shed some tears, shared some smiles, and taken many deep breaths. I saw it was something very positive. She wasn’t falling into a depression as Chris warned Anthony and I to be on the lookout for, but rather she was trying hard to move forward. She was hopeful and so were Anthony and I.
The three of us threw the rest of the rocks into the ocean, but Sydney wanted to keep one. She said she wanted to write our names on it and then have Anthony wrap the rock in rope. I thought it was sweet and would serve as an excellent memento from something special that the three of us shared.
On our way home, we found a pizza place and got a cheese pizza to go. As we sat outside on the deck of the beach house to eat and watch the sun go down, I reflected on the day and was happy that Anthony gave Sydney a vehicle to do something with her fears and worries. I hoped it made her feel a little better.
Sydney sat wrapped up in a blanket on the steps of the deck while Anthony and I sat at the patio table. His eyes were focused on Sydney but I grabbed his attention.
“How’s your side, Robin?” I teased, playing off his Batman jabs from earlier.
“It’s fine, just tweaked it a little. Throwing motion made it sore after a while. It’s ok now.”
“What made you think of the rocks and writing?”
He was quiet for a few moments and I wasn’t sure he’d respond because digging into his mind right now has been very hit and miss with any sort of success. I’m trying to feel my way around in the dark with helping him.
“One of the mornings I was up early and out walking on the shore. I was angry over a nightmare and picked up a rock and threw it into the ocean. I remembered how good it felt to just throw something.”
I was curious now. He alluded to remembering how good it felt to throw something, and I wondered if this was something from his youth possibly. I knew it wasn’t something since I’ve known him. He’s been one of the calmest, level headed guys I’ve ever known.
“Did you use to throw stuff a lot?” I cautiously and quietly asked.
“I did. Growing up, I lived near a park that had tennis courts. I’d wander over every now and then and would find a stray tennis ball that had been left behind and I’d keep it. When things would build up in me, which was quite often, I’d go outside and throw the ball against the wall. Usually, the motion of throwing would make me hurt more, but it also felt good to put everything I had behind the ball. I had a good arm on me and in high school I went out for the baseball team. I was the youngest on the varsity team in 9th grade. I was a pitcher and loved being part of a team. It was great and the first time in my youth that I ever felt wanted or good enough for something. I was crushed when it ended. I had always been so cautious in the locker room and made sure no one was around when I changed. The coach called me to his office and asked me where I was getting all of the bruises at.”
Fuck. I hung onto every word as he spoke and I was so glad he was talking and opening up. I knew this was stuff he’s never spoken about to anyone.
“Did you tell him?”
“No. I just told him that I was ok and that he didn’t need to worry. He took me to the principal’s office; Connor. My coach told him I was covered in bruises and cuts. Connor thanked him for bringing it to his attention and told him he’d see to it that it was addressed. It wasn’t my coach’s fault, he thought he was helping.”
“What happened?” I asked very cautiously, knowing that Anthony may not choose to continue.
“I lost my position as a pitcher.”
“Connor made you quit?”
“No. Connor reminded me to not be careless. The next day, I was already out on the field when the coaches showed up. They pulled me aside and asked me what happened. I was scared they’d take me back to Connor and I begged them not to take me back to the principal. They let another kid pitch during the game and afterward, the coach told me that he couldn’t let me play anymore. Said I could get hurt and he couldn’t have that on his conscience. I know he felt bad over it and he knew that something wasn’t right. He didn’t cut me from the team. I think he knew how important it was for me and if he let me stay on the team, it was a few hours that I was away from home. He told the team I had a shoulder injury and was still part of the team but wouldn’t be pitching. He was actually one of the teachers that came forth and testified against Connor and the school district.”
“I’m sorry, Anth.”
“It’s fine. I was fifteen or sixteen. So yes, I used to throw things out of anger.”
Fuck, I wanted to throw something out of anger.
“You might have benefited from writing something out today and throwing it.”
“I’m ok. It was more important to me to help be the one to throw that shit of Sydney’s far away from her. Of course, then Batman shows up and has to throw farther than me.”
I laughed and held my hands up in defense.
Chapter 50
Tuesday, February 18th
Colin
The past few days had gone well aside from some nightmares. The three of us sat down and spoke with Chris, and Anthony even talked with Chris on his own after the three of us were done. I was proud of him and think it will help him some. He was still not sleeping very well and Sydney’s nights were still tormented with nightmares. Anthony’s might be too, but I never caught him coming out of one. He’s just always up when I wake up.
Both of their appetites were doing better, not grea
t, but better. Health-wise I think Anthony is getting stronger. He’s eating a little bit more and each morning he attempts jogging on the beach for a short distance and swims for a while. I know if Matt were here, he’d remind Anthony not to push it. I’m trying to keep a watchful eye without acting like a babysitter. He hates that and will retreat if I start doing that.
When Anthony got out of the water and came inside, I talked to him about the three of us getting out for the day. He also thought it was a good idea so we got ready to head out. Even though it’s California and is usually nice and warm, it still was just February and somewhat cool in the evenings. We made sure Sydney had a sweater and as we were heading out the door, I glanced at Anthony as he was opening the car door for Sydney. He and I were both in jeans and short sleeve shirts which was plenty warm for now. I remembered when Anthony got out of the hospital that the doctors said he needed to try to be as proactive as possible about thwarting colds and respiratory infections. I headed back inside to get sweatshirts or a sweater for him and I. It gets pretty cool out on the beach at night and I don’t want him getting a cold. Maybe I should say something about the swimming. I grabbed a zip up sweatshirt of his and my sweater, tossed them in the back seat with Sydney and hopped in the driver’s seat. Anthony gave me a look and shook his head.
“What? It’ll get cold when the sun goes down and I don’t want to be cold.”
“Ok, I didn’t say anything,” Anthony said and held his hands up.
I knew what he was thinking and I thought another snarky “dad” comment was on the way. Thankfully, it never came. Now that I know what a bastard his step-dad was, I certainly didn’t want any “dad” comments to be aimed at me.
“Where are we going?” Sydney asked.
The three of us haven’t been out for long durations since her abduction. We’ve gone to a few doctor’s appointments and out to eat, but all of the trips out of the home have had very specific destinations and we never veered from the plans. Chris advised that Sydney would be wary of leaving the house for a while and to be prepared for things seeming to be fine, but that they could take a downward tumble at the drop of a dime. I was determined to help her move forward, and so was Anthony. This would be the first time that we didn’t have a set plan for leaving the beach house. Even when we went out for dinner on Valentine’s Day, the destination was very clear. I was driving and couldn’t turn around to look at her, but Anthony sensed her unease and he turned and took hold of her hand.
“Sunshine, we’re going to take a little drive. Maybe stop and have something to eat and walk around.”
“Walk around?”
Instantly my stomach hurt because I could hear the fear and uncertainty in her voice and Anthony and I quickly tried to ease her mind.
“Sydney,” I started but relented when Anthony started talking at the same time.
“Sunshine, you’re completely safe with Colin and I. We won’t let you out of our sight, and one of us will be holding your hand at all times.”
“You’re safe with us, baby. We promise,” I added.
“Yeah, you’ve got Batman and Robin with you. Robin is sexier, of course.” Anthony charmed Sydney to a smile and pulled a laugh from her.
From that point on, Sydney seemed to relax some and joked or talked with us during the drive. We made our way down the coast through some of the smaller beach cities and Sydney commented that the drive was pretty. There were lots of shops mixed in with the beach lined street that Sydney kept saying how cute and quaint it looked. I pulled into an open spot along the street so we could walk along the storefronts and the ocean. We needed to try. It was breezy, so I made sure Sydney put her sweater on and then I took hold of her hand as we began to walk. Anthony walked on her other side and often hooked his arm with hers and a few times he even held her hand the same time I held her other hand. I loved this. This was us being able to be, us.
We walked into a bunch of the stores and browsed around. Many of the stores had art of some sort in it and were mostly local artists. Sydney loved it and said it was nice to see the artists instead of a commercial art store.
It was so nice to see her out in public, trusting Anthony and I. We wouldn’t steer her wrong. I think Anthony and I were both scanning areas and trying to prevent us from going into heavily populated stores or paths where a trigger could crop up. But so far, we were doing okay.
“Coffee!” Anthony eagerly announced when a coffeehouse came into view.
The three of us walked in, despite it being more crowded than I would have preferred, but Sydney was doing fine. Anthony and I stood close to her so that it would be nearly impossible for someone to bump into her. Once we had our coffees, we headed back out to the street to continue our walk. Sydney and I held hands again and Anthony put his arm around her shoulder. Seeing him feel comfortable enough to be affectionate in public like this, made me feel like things were on the right path and are getting better.
We went into a small shop on the corner that had artwork and jewelry. Casually, we strolled through the store and I kept her hand in mine as she was looking at a bracelet. The person who worked there chatted her head off about the stitched leather bracelet and how Sydney could pick out any stones and they would embed them in the leather for her. Anthony and I stood behind her and watched her mull over the bracelet.
“Um, what do you guys think?” She asked as she faced Anthony and I.
Even though she used ‘um’, I loved how it sounded when she addressed both of us. I knew her use of ‘um’ would take time to work around. She wasn’t afraid to show that Anthony and I both mattered and were important to her. In Vegas, he and I both don’t have the luxury of showing that we’re romantically involved with her in case we run into someone from work or a client. Sometimes, it’s downright hard and I hate that part of it. I especially hate that Anthony can’t even have a picture of her out of his desk at work.
“I think if you like it, you should get it. You don’t shop much for yourself,” I said and felt like a tub of ice was dumped over me. Anthony shifted uncomfortably next to me and Sydney flinched and then looked down.
My mouth. I felt horrible. The last time Sydney went shopping for herself, Paul took her. I know she knew that I didn’t mean to bring it up. It just slipped. Anthony recovered nicely for me. He put his hand on my shoulder as he walked toward Sydney. He put his arm around her and got her to concentrate on the display of the stones or jewels she could pick out.
“Sunshine, which stones are you going to pick out? Are you looking for a particular color scheme?” He asked her and then looked back at me, willing me to drop it and not worry about it.
“I want to make one with our birthstone colors.”
God, this girl.
Thankfully, the older lady who worked in the shop had a display that showed the birthstone colors. Anthony and I both learned something new today regarding our birthstone colors. Anthony is light blue for March and I’m red for July. Sydney is a deep green for May. She picked out the stones herself in our colors and handed them to the lady. The lady took it to the side and began putting the stones in the thin black leather.
When the lady was finished, she held the bracelet out to begin putting it on Sydney but Anthony took it from her and said he wanted to put it on her. He was very adamant about no one putting anything around her wrist but himself and I. The bracelet tied together with a few threads and in a way, it was perfect. The leather material was often a representation of the BDSM lifestyle and each of us were represented on the bracelet with our birthstone color. The leather was dainty and thin, just like Sydney’s tiny arms.
I took her by the hand and we headed through more shops and walked through an aquarium.
We found a sixties themed diner and went in for some lunch. The deco was great and very throwback. They even had a jukebox that Anthony spent some time looking at while Sydney and I were seated and placed our drink orders. I took Sydney’s hand and looked at her bracelet.
“It’s p
retty, baby.”
“Thank you. I really like it.”
I held her eyes for a moment longer and silently apologized to her for the comment regarding her not shopping much. I hoped she understood.
“I always liked bracelets, but because of the burns I couldn’t wear them anymore. Everything hurt too much. Sometimes the bands of sleeves caused discomfort.” She looked down at her new bracelet and smiled. “I used to wear those candy bracelets when I was little.”
“Candy and accessories. Sounds like a dream for a little girl.”
Anthony slid into the booth across from us, and while we ate the Rolling Stones played overhead. By the fifth song and halfway through my burger I glanced at him.
“Did you pick all of these?”
“Maybe.”
I rolled my eyes at him and told Sydney that Anthony loves the Rolling Stones. I purposely ate slower than I normally would have in order to make Sydney and Anthony not feel rushed. Anthony was eating, but cautiously and slower. We playfully teased him through lunch and then continued our way down the boardwalk.
We walked up to a lookout viewing point that was away from all the stores and built up on a rocky peak. You could see for miles and miles. It was gorgeous. I was looking out across the sea and when I turned, I saw Anthony and Sydney in an embrace looking at the ocean. They looked calm and peaceful and I took a picture of them from behind. Her arms were wrapped around his back and her thumbs were hooked inside the back of his jeans. He had an arm wrapped around her waist, holding her to him and his other hand held her head against his chest. I gave them a few minutes before saying anything. He gave her a kiss and then they pulled apart and could see that I was watching them with a smile on my face. I loved seeing them together, helping one another just by being close.
“Wrap your arms around each other and take off those sunglasses. I want a picture of you two. I’m going to send it to Blake and Matt and let them know you’re doing well.”
