by Anne Leigh
My phone started ringing. Without looking at the screen, I answered, “Hello?”
“I’ve been trying to reach you all day.” It was Brennan, sounding extremely annoyed.
“Why? What’s going on?” I shouldn’t have picked up. He was drama personified.
“Can we talk?”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Is it because you’re dating Zander?! What the hell, Sedona? We’ve broken up for like 2 minutes and you’re all over another guy!” He was screaming on the other end. I guessed this was not a good time to mention that we’ve actually been broken up for a month.
Just my luck! I got all the screamers today. From Tanya to Brennan. This was getting exhausting. I was barely waking up.
I sighed, before saying, “Brennan, listen. We broke up over a month ago when you decided it was ok to get under the sheets with your gal pal.”
“I apologized how many times, Sed,” he grumbled, in his all-out stubborn mode. I really hated that nickname. It made me sound like a medieval character.
“Yeah, you did,” I replied, getting tired of the conversation, “But it doesn’t mean I’m getting back together with you.”
“Then, what will it take? For you to come back to me?”
“Nothing, Brennan.”
“Are you dating Zander then?” He sounded exasperated, tired. After last night, he must have thought that I was not getting back with him because of Zander. I was with Zander when Brennan approached me at the bar, then Zander acted protective of me, and now this. I sensed Brennan’s frustration. At the same time, I did not feel that I need to explain anything to him. We were done.
“No, I’m not. I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? It’s all over the web!” Incredilous. Everyone, at least everyone that I knew, must have seen the picture.
“Just because some stupid, silly gossip website posted a picture of two people in a car doesn’t mean they’re dating.” I said in a hushed, exasperated tone.
Why anyone would have any interest in me to have my picture posted on a website was beyond me. Oh wait, it was not because of me. It was because of Mr. Football God beside me.
“K, he’s not the guy for you, Sedona.” His voice still irritated.
“Funny, that’s what everyone said about you.” The other end of the line was silent. I could see him tapping on his right foot and his left hand playing ‘air piano’ on his left leg. He did this when he had nothing to say or when he was keeping his temper in check or when he knew he was at fault.
“So, you thinking of dating him?” Now he was inquisitive, almost pleading for an answer.
I let out a sigh and I made sure he heard it. “Look, Brennan, I don’t think it’s any of your business anymore.” This day was really turning out be a marathon of events. And the reality was, I woke up less than an hour ago.
Brennan was saying something, but my mind was already drifting somewhere else.
What if I dated Zander? I didn’t even know him. Would it be like this all the time? Would people wonder why we’re dating, why he picked me? Would Chatty Pepper and her minions constantly hound me?
“…..that’s why I’m saying this, Sedona. Zander’s just not the guy,” I caught the end of what he was saying. No clue as to the beginning or the middle of what he was ranting about.
“Brennan, I have to go. Got some things to do today,” I hurriedly said on the phone and without waiting for his response, I said bye.
I fell back in bed. The down pillow on my neck felt so good. For a few minutes, I breathed in and out. The gravitational laws of Physics running through my head, was helping me gain control of myself, of the situation. And I hated this feeling. Here’s what I get for sucking face with a guy I barely knew. This was so not me.
Before I completely freaked out, I tried to banish all thoughts of Brennan, Zander, and of everyone else from my head.
My thoughts wandered to my dad’s house’s front porch in Santa Monica. A feeling of peace engulfed me as I created a mental image of the ocean waves slashing against the rocks and the clear blue skies reflecting on the waters. I missed this. The hectic school and work schedules, the break-up with Brennan, the drama of last night and today – it was all weighing me down now. I needed to get away from it all. I needed to gain back control and solitude.
I reached for my phone, looked at the screen, and pressed Off.
Around 7:30 PM, I returned to my apartment. I spent the whole day shopping (more like window shopping), driving (more like cruising) around my favorite Bay Area spots, and walking around the beach while gorging on a hamburger, curly cheese fries, and Strawberry Sundae.
In between the shopping, driving, and walking, I solved chemistry and physics equations at the beach. My dad gave me this book for Christmas a year ago. I’ve finished a lot of these books throughout the years. When things spun out of control, solving numerical problems calmed me down. Solving mathematical problems was easy; equations always gave me answers. Kieran used to ask me why I didn’t major in Physics or Math or Astrophysics and my answer always was, “Then, how will I be able to calm myself if that’s what I did every day?”
I knew I probably had a borderline obsessive-compulsive disorder; I liked to control things that I could control. I found comfort in numbers. Literally. Normally, solving 5 problems calmed me down. Today, 15 tempered down my anxiety. My control was slipping. Not a good sign.
Thoughts of Zander and his effect on my life lingered. When I reached my place, I figured Nalee and Tanya weren’t home yet because the apartment was double-locked from the outside. I felt relaxed as I sat on the couch after changing into my pink Hello Kitty T-shirt and matching shorts. This was a gift from Nalee. She loved the stuff and since she couldn’t hoard the stuff without looking crazy, she bought it for her friends too. She used Tanya and me as an excuse to buy more Hello Kitty stuff.
I laid my legs atop the dark brown ottoman and turned on the TV. After scrolling through the channels, I settled on the Food Network.
I was about to end my phone calls/phone text hiatus, when I heard the doorbell ring.
It was probably Nalee. She always forgot her keys.
I was wrong.
Standing on the other side of the door was the guy who caused all the raucous this morning. In his low-rise dark blue jeans, off- white shirt, and slightly mussed hair, he reminded me of the strawberry sundae that I had this afternoon. Sweet, dripping with goodness, and lickable. And boy, when he looked at me those gorgeous eyes of his, coupled with a slight smile on his slightly reddened lips, my womb clenched.
His eyes smoldered in heat as he took in my outfit.
“Hey,” his voice husky. He scanned my face as if he was looking for something in my expression.
I stared at him for what must have been like a few seconds, maybe a minute, mesmerized by his heated look.
“Hi,” I said awkwardly. I stepped aside to let him in.
As he passed me by, I smelled the clean, masculine scent that was naturally his. My body was heating up and his nearness was sending my pheromones into overload.
We walked a few steps to the couch. The short trip gained me unobstructed view of his sexy ass. Oh, he was really sexy all over. I could wrap myself around him, feel his muscular arms, and maybe mess his hair up a bit.
Why was I having such dirty, naughty thoughts? Granted he was a sexy man. But I’ve seen tons of handsome, sexy men. Only Zander elicited such primal, naughty thoughts from me. I tried to focus on the sound coming from the TV. It didn’t help when all I heard was ‘Yummy’, ‘Delicious’, and ‘Mmmm’ from the host.
I signaled Zander to sit. The man actually waited for me to invite him to sit! Who did that, nowadays?
He took up most of the room of the small sofa.
I broke the silence first.
“What’s up?” I bit on my lower lip, trying my best not to have those lustful thoughts be reflected in my eyes.
He slightly averted his eyes
when he said, “I kinda thought we had fun last night, but maybe I was wrong.”
Yeah, he was right. I came to the same conclusion today. He was wrong for me. I was wrong for him. I did not like the havoc that his presence created in my life. I did not want to feel this burning feeling every time he was near me. I did not want to have lusty thoughts! I wanted to be the same, old me.
He continued, “I haven’t heard from you today. Makes me think that you’re blowing me off,” I gave him my phone number last night before he left.
He was rubbing his palms together, looking uncomfortable in the sofa. He touched his tongue to the top of his teeth and all I could stare at was the movement of his tongue.
He cleared his throat.
Again, I was mesmerized by this man. I felt my face heat up. My ears, revealed by the low ponytail I was wearing, was probably redder than my face.
“I’m sorry.” Obviously, I need to pay attention to what he was saying. Concentration was a task when his eyes were piercingly beautiful and his face was absolutely gorgeous and his mouth looked wickedly good.
“Don’t take offense, Sedona-” he started to say, the edge of the right side of his mouth turning up.
“For what?” I fiddled with the remote control in my hand.
“Even your blush is sexy,” as soon as those words came out of his mouth, I felt the temperature in the room spike up. My heart lurched in my chest; I was probably experiencing hot flashes in my 20s. Was this normal or was this Zander-induced hyperthermia?
“Oh,” as I swallowed. How did a girl respond to that? I tried to change the subject.
“I didn’t mean to blow you off, Zander.” But I’d really like to blow on you. What? Where were these errant thoughts coming from?
“Really?” He looked unsure, his head slightly tilting to his right.
“Yeah, I turned off my phone. I just wanted some peace after being splashed on the front pages of a college gossip website.” I took my gaze off of him and looked at the TV. I lowered the volume a couple of notches down and tucked my feet under my seat.
“I heard about that stupid website,” his eyes glared. Zander stood from where he was sitting and took the space on the right side of the couch, inches away from where I sat.
“I just want you to know Sedona; I have nothing to do with that. I don’t even know why people bother with that stuff. John texted me the picture of us this morning.” At close length, I smelled his aftershave and it smelled sexy. He must have shaved before coming here. I kept my hand from reaching out to his face. He touched my hands and slightly rubbed them together, while he quietly said, “I don’t mean for you to be dragged into something like this. I honestly don’t know why it’s a big fuss who I hang out with,” His head shook while his hands continued to graze mine.
I pursed my lips, “Zander, I think it’s because you’re a popular guy,” I reflected, “First of, you’re a star athlete. Second, your parents are headline-grabbing individuals. I mean, your parents are THE Sev and Dr. Haven Zobowksi.”
He shrugged his shoulders, looking defeated, “Yeah, but I’m not them. I understand that they’re in the limelight. I highly doubt my dad even likes it. Or my mom. They just happen to be regular people who have become great at what they do. And me? I’m not a star, I just love to play football.”
“You probably don’t consider yourself as a star, but other people do.” I was rubbing his hands now, soothingly.
He sat closer. “Does this bother you?”
Was he talking about him rubbing me? No. It didn’t bother me. I wanted him to rub me some more, from my neck to my shoulders to my feet.
Oh stop it, naughty thoughts!
He clarified himself, “Does the situation bother you? This whole website thing?”
“Yes,” I admitted, “It makes me feel out of control and it really freaks me out that someone is out there taking pictures of me, without my knowledge.” My breath was hitched. I sat straighter and in the process, pulling slightly away from him. Rehashing the gossip website’s image of Zander and I reminded me of why I needed the ‘me’ time today. The photo-snapping thing by strangers freaked me out.
Zander kept rubbing my hands, refusing to let go even when I pulled back. His hands moved to my face and he slowly turned my face towards him, leaving me with no choice but to look at his bottomless eyes.
“I have no control of what these people do, Sedona. I don’t even understand why someone would be doing this to me, and most of all, to you,” his voice, heavy with hope, “Last night was fun for me. I’d really like to have more of those.”
This was my chance to bring back normalcy in my life. In my world, life was simple. I had great friends, a cool dad, and a few acquaintances. I was comfortable and secure. I knew that I could step out of my apartment knowing that what I planned to do for the day will be done in the exact moment that I want it to be done. I hated curveballs. I didn’t like not knowing. And this, this was what Zander was asking me to do right now. I didn’t even know what we were going to be with each other. He was giving me the choice, leaving it up to me to say, ‘aye’ or ‘naye.’
I looked at the TV screen in front of me. How easy it would be to just say yes. Yes to possibilities. Yes to new things. Yes to excitement and more of his burning kisses. Oh, how easy it would be.
“Zander, I’m sorry, I just can’t do this right now. I’m really concentrating on graduation and the coming semesters. School’s starting in like three days. I don’t have time for all the distractions.” I faced him and I pulled my hands away from his grasp. I needed the space. I wanted to bring back the equilibrium that I constantly treaded on.
He took a long look at the TV directly in front of him. The muscle on his jaw started ticking and I had the odd feeling that this was how he prepared himself for a letdown.
In a soft voice, I found myself saying, “I had fun last night with you. I just don’t like the paparazzi-like people.” His eyes were now trained on me. “I’m not ready to get into anything right now. I just came out of a relationship. I don’t like feeling out-of-control and that’s how I feel with everything that’s going on.”
He looked at me with hooded eyes, “I understand.” He pulled my hands back to his, held them for what must have been like 5 minutes, and slowly pulled his legs up from the couch.
I stood up and walked towards the door. It was easier this way. I had goals. I had plans. He was going to distract me from all of those. I knew because he made me feel out of balance, out of my comfort zone.
He walked slowly towards the door and softly said, “Nice meeting you, Sedona.”
I nodded and closed the door behind me. In my mind, I made the right decision. Then, why did my heart feel laden with sadness?
*****
After picking Kieran up from the airport, we spent a lot of time together. Spring Semester was starting soon. The next few days passed in a flurry of activities. Mostly with Kieran. I thoroughly missed hanging out with him. When he went to compete for the qualifying meets for the World Championships, he was gone for almost 2 weeks. Before he left for the meets, majority of his days were spent either in class or in the pool. We had a lot of catching up to do.
We went snorkeling in Clipper Cove Way, hiked in the Santa Cruz Mountain Trails, and spent a lot of time at the beach. Kieran did not have to practice for a few days, but I knew he was itching to. I sort of helped him practice by serving as his timekeeper/coach/cheerleader when he swam in the ocean waters. He was such a sight to see in the water, as if he was born to be in it.
After my conversation with Zander, which ended with me basically telling him that I was not ready for anything, I did not expect to hear anything from him. I was extremely surprised when I received a text from him that same night. His text was ‘Goodnite’. The next night, I received another text, ‘Sweet dreams’.
It was almost a regular thing now. At 10 PM, my phone pinged with an incoming text from him. I just read them. I did not reply back. I fought the urge to
respond back. It bothered me a bit that I found myself looking forward to his texts before I went to sleep.
In a way, it was good for me to be with Kieran. It made me focus on what my goals were. I became more comfortable in my decision of not pursuing anything with Zander. But, there were times; I was roused from sleep, dreaming of his blue-green gaze.
It was the last day of break before classes started. Kieran and I were swimming along one of our favorite spots at Mission Bay. The cool water was making me chilly. My feet were paddling in a certain spot under the water. I wanted to rest in that spot for a few minutes. I was gazing at the amazing view of the sun slowly cresting in the horizon. Kieran was floating a couple of feet away from my spot.
