by Anne Leigh
I hung up the phone in complete disbelief. My girlfriend just left. To another country. I had no means of communicating with her. She probably wouldn’t read my emails. She sure hadn’t called me or texted me before she left. I felt so lost.
She left me. Without an apology. This time, my anger was replaced with panic.
Chapter Eighteen
“There is never a bad time for a well-intentioned apology.”
Sedona
Kieran picked me up at the airport. After 4 days of being with my dad, I had a clearer perspective on things.
When Zander left my apartment almost a week ago, my mind and emotions were all jumbled together and mixed up. I wanted to go to him; he needed time. I wanted to beg forgiveness; I had to give him space. I wanted to apologize; he had to process my lies in his head.
Instead of moping around, that same night, I planned on getting out of the city. I needed to process my own emotions, thoughts, and cloudy judgment on things. I messed up big time. So I talked to my professors the next morning and I was able to do back-to-back 12 hour clinical days in advance. Luck was on my side this time around. One of the students filed a leave of absence so I took her spot for those clinical days. I concentrated on nothing but school. Nalee, Tanya, and Kieran all tried to soothe me. I talked to them and it helped. But at night, when I was lying alone in bed, I missed him. Terribly. I figured that running to my dad would help. It did. My dad didn’t ask me why I was there. He must have heard the misery in voice when I called a few nights ago, because he said, “Sweetie, I know you have school. You just sound so exhausted. Can you leave for a couple of days and visit me here?” I took him up on his offer.
Four days of being in Costa Rica - well, technically, 3 days, since travel took almost a day roundtrip – did nothing to alleviate the longing for Zander. I did not tell my dad about what happened. He just knew me so well. While we were having breakfast at a local Costa Rican eatery, he stared at me and said, “If he broke your heart, he’s not worth it. No one is good enough to break your heart.”
My dad was a very clever man. He knew nothing would have kept me from school. Unless it was something that I couldn’t handle. Something big.
I could not tell another lie, I smiled weakly and told him, “No, dad. He didn’t break my heart. I think I may have broken his.”
He was my dad so he would defend me. But Zander had no fault in this. It was mine and mine alone. My dad wanted to talk more about him but I asked him not to. I was in Costa Rica with my dad. I wanted to enjoy my time with him. This was not his cross to bear.
I had gone to Costa Rica to see things under a different light. Isaac Newton’s third law of motion came into mind, ‘For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.’ I lied to my boyfriend with my ex-boyfriend. Zander’s reaction would be anger, frustration, and he was right to have those emotions. I could not control the outcome of the events past the lie. But I could try. For Zander, I could try. I came to two conclusions.
One - I still wanted to be with him.
Two - I was definitely in the wrong.
*****
After Kieran dropped me off at my apartment, I checked my wall calendar. The time difference between Costa Rica and the United States was quite huge. I was still getting my bearings after landing in U.S. soil but I knew I couldn’t wait long. I turned on my cellphone. It was still in the same place where I left it 4 days ago. On top of my bed.
I left my cellphone by accident. I thought I had it in my purse; in my hastiness to leave for the red-eye to Dallas, stop-over en route to Costa Rica, I didn’t know that my phone was not with me until I was on the plane. The battery was fully drained and it would take a while to charge. It was already 7:20. I couldn’t afford to waste more time.
Hurriedly, I penned a note for Nalee and Tanya and left it on top of the dining table letting them know that I was back and that I would talk to them later.
I hurried to Hudson’s Bar. Football practice was done. Zander and his buddies would be hanging out at the bar.
When I reached Hudson’s, I requested for a table away from the bar. His team wasn’t there yet. He wasn’t there yet. Practice must have run late.
Slowly sipping on my apple mojito and a small order of the Cajun sweet potato fries, I heard loud noises. They’ve arrived. He was here!
It was not hard to locate him. My eyes easily found him. It was like I had a GPS on him. Wherever he was, I could zoom in and pinpoint his location. From the beginning, he has always held my attention. It never faltered. I could locate him in the dark filled with thousands of people. To me, he shone brighter than everyone else.
Zander was in the middle of a pack of 8 guys sauntering towards the bar. He was wearing a maroon shirt with jeans. He had his baseball cap on. My eyes were glued on him. As soon as they sat, a trio of women came up to his group. Zander’s eyes were focused on the TV screen in front of him. He didn’t even turn to the women. How rude! My heart was a little happy that he didn’t even notice them.
Time to set my plan into action.
I called a server and asked him for a favor.
Zander
Fuck, not this again! Dave was bragging about his ‘assets’ to a bunch of girls. It was rude of me to not turn to the women chatting with my football team. I just did not care.
It always happened. Whenever a bunch of guys hung out, a group of women would not be so far away. They joined us and flirted. Why couldn’t they just leave us alone! I was so not in the mood to be friendly to the female species right now. The guys must have felt it because they left me alone. They didn’t even ask for me to turn around and introduce myself. Good. I couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of here.
I was happy to be with the guys. The women, no. I didn’t want to waste my time. I’d have a beer or two and leave. I still had a bunch of Arch Design projects to finish.
Midway through watching the Sports Channel on TV and drinking my beer, the bartender handed me a tall glass of beer. I wasn’t even done with my first so what the hell?
He placed the glass in front of me and said, “Compliments of the lady,” and handed me a folded table napkin. It was obviously a note.
Before I turned my head to see who ordered me a beer, I unfolded and read the note.
I had no idea that a simple note could stop time and everything else for that matter.
To the one who always makes me wet…I miss you.
My heart went thud, thud, and thududud! I turned around and she was standing right there, in front of me.
I didn’t even know why I was angry or sad or miserable. All I knew was that she was there and everything else faded.
“Hi,” her voice was tentative, unsure. She closed the distance and I smelled the familiar sweet scent that was uniquely hers. Strawberries and peaches. I breathed her scent in. Call me dramatic but it was like pouring water over my starched throat. She quenched my starving, pathetic thirst.
My teammates were now eyeing the unfolding scene.
I was still taking in her presence. For some reason, she was here. In front of me. Her hair cascaded around her face. She was wearing some frilly top, skirt, with tights that molded to her body. Her eyes were stormy, pure violet. I knew she was beautiful. I’ve stared at her thousands of times. Tonight, she was out-of-this world beautiful. I fuckin’ missed her.
Her eyes shifted. She was unsure of me. I still haven’t said anything. I was drinking my fill of her.
I managed to say, “Hey.”
She inched closer, half an arm’s length separated us, she whispered in my ear. Her breath was hot, hitched. She smelled of apples. She must have had a mojito.
“Can we talk?”
I reached for her hand and slowly led her outside. Dave said, “I guess you’re heading out, huh?”
Sedona turned to him and to the guys, “Bye guys. See you later.”
She was being polite. I nodded to them and she followed me out.
I was not able to help myself. I miss
ed her. So much. No contact for almost a week. I missed her smile; her laughter; and, her presence. As soon as we were out the door, I pulled her next to me and kissed her. This was probably the worst place to be doing this. This was probably going to end up in that Pepper Site. I didn’t care. She was here. That was all that mattered.
“Babe” I heard her voice in between breaths.
“Mmmmm” I said, I could not stop kissing her.
She pulled away slowly and said, “I need to talk to you.” Her eyes were heated.
I gathered all the self-control that I could muster and nodded.
She led the way and we walked towards the park. I held her hand the whole time. I wanted to do more. Much, much more. She wanted to talk. I knew we needed to talk.
Sedona
He missed me. As much as I missed him. I felt it in his kiss. It was difficult to pull out from that hot kiss but I needed to get everything out in the open.
He was still holding my hand as we sat on the bench. There were a few people mulling around. It was dark but I felt safe. With Zander, I always felt safe.
I had practiced what I was going to say to him countless times in my head. I memorized everything. Now, I was here and he was here. His presence jumbled my thoughts. In the deepest part of my brain, I had stored memory of what I wanted to say. That’s all it was - a memory. I had no idea what to say. He was waiting on me.
“Zander, I’m sorry.” There it was. The long sentences that I had composed in my head summed up to one thing – apology.
He was still listening. He hadn’t moved an inch. He might have blinked but in the dark, I couldn’t see his eyes. His profile emanated tension.
I leaned in closer.
This man gave me so much. He meant a lot to me. He needed to know just how much he meant to me.
“I’m sorry for lying to you about Brennan and all that happened because of my lies,” I said softly.
His jaw clenched. His hand tightened his hold on me.
“Brennan and I, we had a history. He used to be my friend, you know, before he was my boyfriend,” I breathed in his scent, “He’s a good guy. My belief that he’s a good guy was what made me hide anything from you. He will always have a place in my life.”
Zander’s voice was tight, “I don’t think any of this is making me feel any better.”
I gulped. He was getting angry again.
“Zander, I need you to understand why I did it,” I paused.
“Go on…” his words frosty.
“I thought that he would go away. When he came into my apartment that one day, that was a side of him that I’ve never seen before. After that, he stayed away. I mean, he texted and called a couple of times but he never came to visit me again so I thought it was ok.”
He was looking away from me. I could tell his anger was lingering below the surface.
“You lied to me, Sedona. Twice. For him. I’m sorry but in my world, that could only mean one thing – you still have feelings for him.” His words lanced through me.
“I will always have feelings for him. He was my friend. He was a good guy. He walked me to class every single day during my Junior Year – before he went to college. He protected me when Kieran was away. He saw me through my acne phase. He is a nice guy. It’s hard for me to see him as a crazy, psycho because I’ve known him for a long time”
I pressed my free hand to his chest, “Zander, my feelings for him are those of a friend’s, a long-time friend. Other than those, I have no more feelings for him. I know I lied to you. It’s unjustifiable. I hurt you. I just wanted everything to be better. I didn’t want you dragged through senseless court orders or whatever crap Brennan was going to do.”
I felt strong arms gently tug me. In the dark, I felt his gaze bore down on me. His breathing was heavy.
“Sedona, I don’t know what I would do without you. If you get hurt, I don’t even want to imagine what I would do. Do you know how much you mean to me?” he asked, baring his emotions to me.
I nodded.
“Listen, I don’t think you fully understand how much you mean to me.” He slowly lifted me off my seat, positioned me so I was sitting on his lap.
I smelled his masculine scent mixed with desire. It was intoxicating.
I caressed his hair, “Zander.”
He stopped my hand from going any further.
“Sedona, listen. I was angry at you for going to that asshole. He doesn’t even deserve to breathe the same air as you. I don’t care what he was before. I honestly don’t give a flying fuck if he brought you cookies and shit in high school. What I do know is this – he’s a stupid idiot and he could hurt you!” His eyes blazed with fury.
He paused and breathed loudly. He lowered his head and turned to the left. He was collecting himself. His emotions.
“Zander, I’m so sorry. I thought I could make it better. I drove to meet him at a public place. I was careful. I wasn’t alone with him. He was mad and angry. His ego was smashed and he wasn’t thinking straight either. But I got through to him, didn’t I? He dropped the charges. I lied to you. But I didn’t lie for him. I did it for you. All for you.” Desperation lingered in my voice. I needed him to understand that he was the reason for my actions.
I felt wet, fat tears falling from my cheeks. His hands slowly brushed them off of me. He brought his lips to my forehead.
In a gravelly voice, “You mean a lot to me, Sedona. You’re very important to me. I could’ve dealt with him. He could’ve brought the whole lawsuit and I could’ve dealt with that.”
His eyes pierced into mine.
“What I couldn’t have dealt with is if something happened to you,” his hands lingered on my cheeks.
“Zander, babe,” I croaked.
“Sedona, my day starts with you and ends with you. I play football for me. I study Architecture for me. I go to all these other events for my parents for them. Everything else in between, it’s for you. You take up 99% of my mind and my time and hell no, I’m not complaining. If something happened to you, do you know what my life would be like? There would be fuckin’ blackhole. You fill everything else in between.”
I gasped. He was baring his soul to me.
“Oh babe.” Tears were still streaming down from my face.
He continued, “I needed time and space because I was mad. But that doesn’t mean that there was minute or a second that I wasn’t thinking of you. I had a feeling you were giving me space. I appreciated that. When I finally called, you left for Costa Rica without even a text or a call or an e-mail. Or even a note.”
My sins kept piling on.
“I’m not used to this,” I whispered.
“Used to what?”
“This. Us. The intensity, the gravity of our situation.” This was not what I had intended to happen. But the more I talked with him, the farther I was getting.
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I’m not used to this.” I looked away from him. I slowly got out of his embrace and struggled to get up.
I was taking the easy way out. His words knifed through me. His pain lanced through my heart. I could not bear to do this to him anymore. What if something happened like this again? How much pain did he have to go through?
“I think,” I paused, the words felt like bricks coming out of my mouth, “we need a break from each other.”
Cold chilly silence met my words.
Zander
She was breaking up with me?!
Unbelievable.
I poured out everything I had and she wanted a break? Our situation was intense and she was copping out?
It would be so easy for me to tell her to have her break and stuff it. I couldn’t; not when my heart was shredding into pieces. I had to fight for her.
I started to walk away. I took four steps and I looked back, her shoulders sagged and wreaked sobs. Her cries were muffled but she was crying. A girl who wanted to take a break didn’t look like this. She looked like she was crying bec
ause she lost something.
My chest was heavy. My legs followed my heart’s command.
“Why?” I asked.
She looked surprised to see me there. She thought I walked away.
“Why do you need a break? From us?” I had to know.
She wiped her tears away and lifted her chin. Her next few words would let me know if she really wanted to be away from me.
“Because you need it.”
“I need a break?” I repeated.
