by Stock, L. J.
When I woke, I was in the hospital with bandages over my wrists, my brother and mother crying while my father glared at me with disdain. Of course, he was the one who took great pleasure in explaining to me where I was and why.
The sounds and visions that had once brought me so much joy had turned into a source of pain and perdition. As the memories of my troubled youth began to drift further away from me, I blinked rapidly into consciousness, peeling one eye open as I took in my surroundings. The only time I’d had this much respite was when I listened to music. Most days it looked like I’d had headphones surgically attached to my head. Although there was no music… just a dim glow from somewhere in the space that surrounded me. The fabric on the ceiling was closer than I’d thought it should be and whatever I was lying out on was soft, but molded. When I looked toward my feet, the new angle provided a view of the windows. The dark walls of trees was flying past them while the whir of sound from underneath me was almost deafening, less muffled as I lifted my head.
I was in a car.
“Alexa?” I asked, unable to hide the hoarse croak of disuse in my voice. I was hoping that I was with her and not Susan. It was weird enough that I was outside of the hospital at all, without considering I could possibly be in the company of a stranger.
“I'm right here, honey. Don’t panic.”
As comforting as her voice was, keeping a tenable hold on my fear wasn't that simple. I was out of my comfort zone, in a car speeding to God knows where, at some non-descript time of the night. Individually they were bad enough, but together they me made me feel claustrophobic. The realization that I had no real control over any aspect of the current situation was making me more nervous than I had been originally. The only thing that stopped a full-fledged panic attack from launching was the barrage of questions banging around in my head. Some of them were on repeat, while others sputtered and died with the realization that, actually, I didn't really want to know the answers.
Staying calm was definitely easier said than done. I could already feel the tendrils of anxiety crawling through my veins and heading toward my pounding heart. I trusted Alexa; it wasn’t that part of the situation that was stirring up the trepidation. I was quickly learning that I’d become dependent on the hospital. In my complacency, it had turned into a representation of safety, which was completely ridiculous.
My parents had institutionalized me at seventeen, while I was still their dependent. I knew it had been my father’s idea. He’d tortured me for each one of those seventeen years, and with one little signature, he was finally free of me. It was just unfortunate that the hospital had been holding me against my will since my eighteenth birthday. The moment midnight hit, I’d been pleading with the doctors to set me free. I’d thought I was of age, old enough to look after myself, to make decisions for myself, but I had been mistaken. My father, in all his hatred, had made sure I was gone for good. He’d filed papers with the courts stating I was a danger to myself and those around me, and handed power of attorney over to the hospital. They’d locked me in on a technicality.
Steven had been pissed when he’d found out that my rights had been taken away indefinitely and was turned down when he'd hired a lawyer and offered to be my guardian.
My chest tightened at the thought of Steven. He and his little family were supposed to be visiting tomorrow, and the thought of disappointing them just made the disquiet rumbling around in my head worse than it already had been. Before I knew it, my hand was by my mouth and my teeth were nibbling at my cuticles.
“You’re panicking, aren’t you?” Alexa asked, turning in the passenger seat to look at me, her eyes immediately gravitating toward my thumb.
She looked different outside of the hospital. Her hair was hanging loose in soft curls, and she’d replaced her scrubs with jeans and a sweater. I knew she had a life outside the hospital; I just wasn’t used to seeing her this way, and as selfish as it sounded, I needed to see her in a way that was familiar. I needed the routine of her usual appearance to slow my spreading agitation and help me cope with the current situation.
How was that for self-diagnosis?
Unfortunately, no matter how much I needed some normalcy, it was something I had to accept wasn't going to happen.
It was Alexa’s polite cough that had me realizing I hadn’t responded verbally, and we were heading firmly into the territory of mutual panic. In the end, I held one finger up and shrugged. I needed a minute, or sixty, and maybe by then would I be a little more receptive to whatever story she had for me.
“We’re taking you somewhere safe,” a guy said from the driver's seat. It was the first time I’d noticed him, which was ridiculous considering he was driving. My eyes met his in the mirror, blinking briefly as I searched for some form of recognition, but there was nothing, and it did nothing to ease the second wave of anxiety that came crashing down over me.
“That's not helping, Zander,” Alexa whispered. “She doesn’t know you.”
“We’ve been in a car together for three hours.”
“Most of which she’s been unconscious for.”
“Really not helping,” I stated, my hand dropping from my mouth as I sat up and slumped forward to put my head between my legs, hoping that I could find the oxygen that was currently being evasive.
“Okay. How about this? I’m Zander. I've been dating Alexa for longer than you’ve probably been alive, and to be close to her and watch over you, I have been mopping the hospital floor and cleaning up puke for the last five years.”
“Baby...” Alexa snorted, shifting in her seat. I could see her bringing her knee up in my peripheral vision, her body turning so she could see between the two front seats. “You sound hostile.”
“Well? You got the good job… Again, I might add.”
“Only because they would never have assigned Cass a male nurse. I don’t always get the good jobs.”
“You do realize that I can hear every word you say?” I asked as I sucked in another breath through my nose and released it from my mouth. As much as I hated to interrupt the banter, it was making it hard to focus on breathing.
“Yes, smart ass.”
I felt a pat on my head and managed a smile at the footwell of the car. The familiarity of her humor seemed to do the trick where her voice hadn’t. The exchange was something I was used to. Alexa had always treated me more as a friend than a patient. For the longest time I thought she’d been like that with everyone, but when she’d been roped in to help one of the other patients perform a menial task, she’d been nothing more than professional. My heart was still racing, but in a small improvement, my lungs were now accepting the air I was sucking in.
“If my ass is so smart, how did I manage to miss the opening for another question?”
“You want to know why I stayed?” Zander asked, the last syllable barely gone when the sound of a slap filled the small space.
“No, why I needed watching at all,” I said, propping my elbows on my knees and lifting my head enough to rest my forehead on the back of Zander’s seat.
“Oh, that? Everyone needs a guardian angel.”
“Contrary to my place of residence for the last seven years, I’m not crazy or stupid.” I huffed out, earning another laugh from Alexa and a snort of derision from Zander. It appeared that he at least appreciated my sense of humor, even if there was a level of candor injected in there. “Where are we going?”
“Connecticut,” Alexa responded quietly, ignoring the look from Zander.
Pushing my feet into the footwell, I leaned forward, my hands on the backs of both seats as I looked at Alexa in the dim glow. I'd never been out of Maine in my life. Hell, I'd only been to two cities there, and one of them I'd viewed through locked windows.
“Connecticut? Why?”
“Those were our orders,” Zander answered for her. I looked between the two of them before focusing on his handsome face and the shadow where he'd obviously neglected to shave.
“Orders?” I echoe
d.
“Are you going to keep repeating words as questions?”
“I will until they start making sense.”
Zander laughed and looked past me to Alexa. It took me all of a second to see what I’d missed by having my head between my knees. I'd come to know that particular look well through watching Steven and his wife together. It was hard to miss the adoration that shone through his gaze when he talked to her, and Zander very obviously worshipped the ground Alexa walked on.
“You're right, babe.” He chuckled bluntly, pulling my attention back to the conversation. “I do like her. She's feisty.”
As flattered as I was, I still had no idea about the how or why of the situation that had landed me here with them. I was in a car, in the middle of nowhere, flying down the dark freeway on our way to a state I’d never been to in my life.
“Orders?” I asked again for effect.
“Your grandmother sent us to protect you.”
“Both sets of grandparents are dead. Try again.”
“It's the truth, Cass. It's your mom's mom. I don't know why she lied to you about that,” Alexa responded earnestly. Still half turned in her seat, she met my eyes, telling me she wasn't lying.
It was only when I really thought about my mom, and just what she was capable of, that I could see that it could be the truth. My mom was dismissive and forgetful, and she could also hold a grudge. Slights and affronts were the one thing she could always recall with perfect clarity. Any argument we'd ever gotten into had been filed away to be thrown back at me at a later date. The real question now was why she had lied about it. What could my grandmother have possibly done to piss her off enough claim she was dead? It seemed neither Alexa nor Zander could answer that, so I went to my next question.
“Why would you take orders from my grandmother?”
Zander made an obnoxious buzzing noise and turned his head to look at me briefly. Raising one eyebrow, I watched him with frustration.
“There are things we just can't discuss. Things we don't know, and things we've been forbidden from bringing up at all. You've just hit one of the subcategories right in the bullseye. Pick another question.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Of course it makes sense. I just explained it.” He laughed, still in good humor.
“Now is not the time for lighthearted humor, baby,” Alexa said with a reassuring smile at me, while her hand reached out absently to rub his arm. “You will get answers, Cass. We just can't be the ones to give them to you. We only have permission to explain so much, and our scope of knowledge only goes so far. We were sent to watch over you and extract you if things got too rough. Beyond that, there's not much else we can tell you.”
“What about my brother?”
“Safe. There's no threat to him or his family.”
“My mom?”
“Safe. You're the only one that was under surveillance.”
“Why?”
The two of them looked at one another and it was obvious I'd hit another brick wall.
“Susan?” I asked, frustrated.
“Possessed.”
“By the masked guys I saw?”
“Uh, in some manner, I suppose. She was a puppet for him, we call people like her a moderatus. The soldier you saw was a Veneficus. They can look through the eyes of the person he’s possessed and take over their consciousness. Susan won’t remember a thing. Next?” Zander asked.
As much as the explanation confused me, the response was said in a tone that left no guess work in whether they would elaborate.
“What about Damon?”
This time the silence was pregnant, and I wondered if they too thought I really was crazy and seeing things that weren't there. After all, Alexa had been dealing with my reactions for years. I'd blurted out the question without any real thought, and I suddenly felt unsure of whether I should have been more vigilant.
“Sorry, I–”
“He'll probably meet us there.” Alexa shot me a furtive glance.
This time, I was the one stunned into silence. The scene in the bathroom had felt real to me. Everything had been so clear, but no one had ever seen what I'd seen before. Shifting to the side, I made sure I had Alexa’s full attention. I needed to know that she wasn’t just feeding into what the doctors had called my neurosis.
“You spoke to him?”
“I did. He had to do something, so he said he’d meet us there.”
“You can talk to him?” My voice raised an octave as I leaned farther forward.
“You’re telling me you never wondered why I didn't discourage or argue with you about what you saw?” Alexa asked, turning in her seat so our eyes met. Her curiosity was genuine.
“I thought you were humoring me.”
Zander laughed, but Alexa kept herself composed, her eyes holding her apology for not saying more sooner. I'd always trusted her, and even sitting in this car with her, unsure of what was ahead, I still felt that assurance in her company, even if she hadn't been completely honest. In retrospect, I didn't think I would have said anything in her shoes, either. It would only have landed her in the same spot I'd been in, and by the sound of it, that wouldn't have done either of us any good. There was no escaping a psychiatric hospital without the key. They made sure of that.
“How?”
Alexa gave me an apologetic smile. The answer was another one of the things I had to wait for. I had a feeling I would be tripping over a lot of these black holes the more questions I asked.
“This is the last rest stop for a while. Anyone hungry?” Zander asked, pulling mine and Alexa’s attention away from one another.
Looking up, I saw the fast food sign ahead and almost pounced through the window in eagerness. Seven years of hospital food and I think anybody would have reacted the same way. Zander, laughing at my enthusiasm, started pulling off the road. It didn't take long to go through the drive-thru considering the late hour. When Zander pulled into a spot where we could eat, I dug in with no apologies, ignoring the bemusement of my travel companions as I moaned around overstuffed mouthfuls.
It was only when I audibly drained my milkshake that I realized they were both staring at me.
“What?”
“Didn’t they feed you in that hell hole?”
I shrugged and pushed more fries into my mouth. Sure, they'd fed me, but nothing had tasted remotely this good. It was like an orgasm for my taste buds. Swallowing, I sucked down my soda to clear the salty sweetness the fries and milkshake had created as Alexa turned around to face me.
“Slow down. You're going to get indigestion.”
“I can't, it's like my body–” I never got to finish the sentence. Bright, blinding lights flared, filling the interior of the car and making Alexa turn in her seat. The moment she blinked, it was all business.
“Drive, Zander! Now.”
The car was reversing before I'd even processed what was going on or why. My fries scattered over the floorboard as I grappled with the seat belt to lock myself in to no avail. Sliding over the seats, I landed on the floor panel as the car bounced over the damp grass ahead of us, in a moment of stability I rose to my knees only to be knocked down again as we headed straight for the foliage that separated the parking lot from the road. When I regained composed, I swung my head to look out of the side window from the footwell I now occupied, I was faced with the grill of a semi, its air horn just starting to blare and its wheels locking from the air brakes as the ass of the car we were in slid around. The wheels screamed as they carried us toward the freeway again. I could hear the stuttering of the semi truck’s wheels as we left them in the dust, Zander cutting off a car that had right of way before we tore down the freeway and into the unknown darkness that shrouded us.
Realm of Disbelief
“What in the nine circles of hell was that?” I gasped, sliding myself into my seat as we fishtailed onto the freeway and the growl of the engine finally started to abate. I looked behind us once more before pulli
ng on the seat belt, attempting to calm my pounding heart and the throbbing in my beaten thigh.
“That? I don't exactly know for sure, but I would stake my next paycheck that they were after you.”
“Me? Why?” I screeched before pausing and rethinking my strategy. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“I’m insensitive, kid, but not an absolute asshat. It’s the truth. You need to know we’re not talking out of our asses when we say you’re in danger, and that right there is all the proof you need.” Zander grunted, ignoring Alexa’s glare as he used the shoulder of the freeway to pass a slow moving minivan.
“Are there going to be many more of these life lessons along the way?”
“I can't promise anything.” Zander snorted, cutting off yet another car and flying down an exit ramp. Even Alexa had to grab the bar above her head to keep her balance.
“Zander–” she hissed, only to be cut off by his calm explanation.
“I know. Covering our tracks and taking the back roads.”
Alexa relaxed at his brief explanation. I, however, wasn't sure I'd be able to find calm in a car he was operating. Whether or not this exit strategy was for my benefit, riding with my gut pressed against my spine wasn’t doing much for my confidence in him. With the subtle aches from being tossed around the small space working through me, it was hard not to think about what was coming next.
The back roads he was taking were so dark that the lights seemed to disappear into the foliage, while the emptiness swallowed us whole. It wouldn't have been so bad if we were headed in a straight line, but while I was watching out of the windscreen, the sharp, curved corners appeared out of nowhere and disappeared just as quickly.
For my own sanity, I closed my eyes and tried not to think about the way my body drifted to the side almost constantly. I adopted the theory that what I couldn't see wouldn't hurt me. I didn’t take into account that what I couldn't see was throwing me around the back seat like I was a ragdoll and had the very real possibility of landing us in a ditch where no one would find us for days.
