by B. T. Narro
Swenn was relentless, especially in front of the other kids. He’d keep it up until everyone was making fun of me, forcing me to walk away because I didn’t want to cry in front of them. I lived in fear of Swenn seeing me. But eventually the other kids didn’t need him around to repeat the insults he spewed over and over.
They claimed I didn’t have manhood between my legs like they did. They speculated about what jobs I could never do. If they saw my mother put her hand on my back or even speak to me sweetly, they’d laugh and whisper to each other.
I became concerned they might be right. What if not having a father had changed me? I eventually badgered my mother into telling me why he wasn’t in Cessri with us. She sat at our table and had me sit right next to her.
“Jon isn’t a good parent.”
I had fond memories of him playing with me—the only requisite to being a good parent in my mind—so this made no sense. “Why?”
“He isn’t good for us.” I could sense my mother wasn’t telling me something. Her blonde hair fell over half her face as she turned away from me, her gaze focused on the table. She took a breath and then looked straight into my eyes. “I wasn’t completely honest with you. He doesn’t know where we are, and it’s better this way.”
“Does he hate us?” It was the only thing I could figure. Perhaps he didn’t want to be here.
“No. I’m sure he loves and misses us. But Jon isn’t able to love in the same way that we do. He gets angry, and he hurts me. Do you remember seeing bruises on me?”
“Yes.”
“Jon did that.”
“Why?”
“Do you know how some people do violent things when they get angry?”
“Yes,” I answered. I thought of Swenn and got ready to argue that my father couldn’t be anything like him. I never saw Jon hit my mother, and he never hit me like Swenn did.
“Jon gets angry often.”
“Like Swenn?” If she agreed, it would prove she was wrong about Jon. It would give us a chance to be together. I could grow up to be a man.
“Yes, like Swenn.”
My mother was wrong. “You said he misses us, right?”
“I’m sure he does.”
“So if he misses us, he won’t hurt you anymore.”
My mother showed me a sad gaze. “You’re still too young to understand. You need to trust me that it’s better if he’s not here.”
“I do understand, and it’s not better!”
I was old enough to tell my words hurt her. She held back tears for the moment and stood. “Let’s talk about this later, all right?”
Her tone made me hopeful. Maybe there was a chance I could change her mind.
But my mother and I never talked about Jon again after that. I tried to bring him up several times, usually while I was upset about being teased. But after she calmed me down, I always felt better and didn’t push the issue.
One evening at the river with Eizle, I asked him, “Do you think I won’t become a man because my father isn’t here?”
He let down his hand, and his hovering rock fell with a thud. “I don’t know.”
My heart felt just like the rock.
“Swenn lies about a lot of things,” Eizle said, trying to comfort me. “Maybe he’s lying about this.”
“Has he been worse to you since he found out we’re pyforial mages?” We weren’t exactly pyforial mages, as we could hardly do more than move a rock, but I thought we were at the time.
“He has. I hate him.”
I’d heard Eizle say that about his brother too many times to count.
“Keep a secret?” Eizle asked.
“Always.”
“Ina says Swenn is troubled.” I’d seen even less of Eizle’s pretty sister, Swenn’s twin, as we’d gotten older.
“Where has she been?”
“Around as little as possible, and it’s Swenn’s fault.” I knew Eizle appreciated his sister—not in the exact same way I did, of course—but he favored her company over Swenn’s any day of the month. “I think he did something to her.”
“What?”
“I don’t know, but she says he was troubled even when they were small children. She doesn’t want to be around him. I heard her talking to my mother about it. She wants to live somewhere else.”
“Maybe you could live with her.” I would’ve loved to see Eizle and his sister without worrying about Swenn.
But Eizle shook his head. “My mother told Swenn what Ina said. He apologized to her and made himself sound sweet. Ina tried to tell my mother he was just pretending, but she believed Swenn was sincere. When I asked Ina about it later, she told me Swenn doesn’t feel things like we do.”
“He feels anger just fine,” I said, kicking a rock by my feet.
“And greed,” Eizle added. “But Ina told me there are other feelings he can’t feel.”
“Like what?”
“He won’t ever say he’s sorry unless it’s in front of our mother.”
“That’s right,” I realized. “He’s never sorry.”
Eizle raised his hand, lifting the rock with it. “Ina told me she’s going to move as soon as she finds a man to marry.” He moved his hand over his shoulder as if he was about to throw a ball. Then he jerked it forward, and the rock sailed into the river. “I want to be a strong enough mage to hurt Swenn.”
“You would use it on him?”
“If I needed to.”
Now, relating all this to Aunt Nann, I left pyforial energy out of the conversation. With a smile, she recalled how Eizle and I were always by the river.
“Your mother never understood what you could be doing for so many hours without becoming bored. But I said you were boys with wondrous imaginations. Faye and I used to play when we were little just like you and Eizle. When I reminded her of this, she understood.” Her voice softened. “Are you telling me Swenn had some part in why you left her?”
“Not just that.” I swallowed air, unable to get the words out. What came next would be difficult to tell Aunt Nann, but nothing would be harder to reveal than the end of this tale. “Shall I go on, madam?”
“Yes, Neeko. Enough about Swenn and those mean little boys who teased you. Tell me what happened next.”
Swenn was always trying new techniques to earn money. He’d owned and sold several horses throughout the years, and at one point he bought a carriage. He earned money bringing people in and out of Cessri. Sometimes he would be gone for weeks. I’d always notice because life was more peaceful when he was away.
One evening, I met Eizle by the river, and he told me Swenn had just come back.
“He was asking about your father.”
“I hope you didn’t tell him anything.”
“I don’t even know why he was asking. Do you have any idea?”
“No. And I don’t care.” We went back to practicing on rocks. But after a brief silence, I realized I couldn’t let it out of my mind. “What did he ask?”
“He wanted to make sure your father was in Lanhine.”
“And you told him?” I shouted.
“He already knew!”
I tried not to be angry at my only friend. “What else did he say?”
“He tried to get me to tell him how much money you have, but I didn’t.”
“Did he hurt you?”
“Not bad. My father was home.”
Swenn approached me the next morning. I wanted to run at the sight of him, especially when he smiled at me. “Neeko, I have something you want.”
“What?” I muttered.
“Do you still want to be a man, or have you accepted dying without kissing a woman or ever being able to win a fight?”
“What do you want?”
“I’m being honest!” He sounded sincere, possibly even offended. “If you want, I can help you be a man. If not, fine.” He turned to leave.
“Wait, how?”
“I can take you to your father.”
It sounded too good to
be true. “You would do that?”
“Of course I would!”
“That’s…nice of you.” I waited to see what he would say next.
“Let’s leave tomorrow. You’re going to have to pay, of course. My rate is fair.”
“Will my mother be angry with me?”
“She’s going to come, too. As soon as she sees you’re gone, she’ll ask if we’ve seen you. I’ll tell her you paid someone to take you there in a carriage.”
I didn’t understand. “But you’re taking me.”
“I can’t say it’s me, because I’ll get in trouble with my parents. You wouldn’t want that, right? Especially when I’m trying to help you.”
“Right.”
“Don’t you miss your father? You should. Boys miss their fathers after just one night, and you haven’t seen him for years. You would be a terrible son not to miss him. Ask Eizle if he would miss our father after just one night. In fact, let’s ask him right now.”
Before I could say anything, Swenn dragged me off to see Eizle, soon bringing us into the small bedroom the brothers shared and closing the door.
“What is it?” Eizle asked.
I was surprised when Swenn let me speak first. “Go ahead,” he said, extending his palm toward me. “Ask him.”
“Would you miss your father if he left?”
“Yes,” Eizle answered.
“Would you miss him after one night?”
“Sometimes he doesn’t come home before I have to go to bed, and I don’t like it. So I know I would.”
“And what if he was gone for a year?” Swenn asked his brother. “How much would you miss him then?”
“So much.”
Swenn poked me in the shoulder. “You should miss your father.”
“I do miss him.” I thought I did in that moment.
“As you should. Now go count how much money your mother has.” He gestured at the door.
“Why?”
“I need to feed us and our horse during the trip, and I need to be paid for my service. If I’m going to help you, don’t you think I deserve some money? Hurry, go see how much she has. Count it all, everything you can find.” He grabbed my shoulders and smiled at me. “You’re practically family, so you won’t have to pay as much. But I want to make sure you and your mother have enough so she can come later. She can’t know yet, otherwise she won’t let me take you. Understand?”
“I do.”
Swenn might’ve annoyed me and even hurt me at times, but everything he’d said made sense.
I already knew where my mother kept her money. It was under some papers in a drawer, where her coins were laid out, some sticking against the bottom. I’d never counted all of them before, and I hurried to do so before she came home and caught me. There were too many pits to count, over a hundred but less than two hundred, I figured. So that made them worth ten to twenty silvers. I kept that number in my mind as I counted the silvers next. There were far fewer, only about thirty. It was still a lot of money, as one silver is to a little boy as ten are to a grown man, so I figured Swenn couldn’t possibly need all of it. I felt better giving him a smaller number than the truth.
“She has about fifteen silvers and a hundred pits,” I told Swenn a short time later.
“Where is it?” He held out his hand. When he saw my guilty countenance, he frowned. “Go get it, and let’s leave now instead of tomorrow.”
“All of it?”
“Yes. I’ve charged more than fifty silvers for a trip to Lanhine, but I’ll let you pay less. We’re friends, aren’t we?”
I felt my eyes go wide. “We are. Thank you for helping me.”
“Of course.”
I wanted to tell my old enemy, now new friend, that I’d lied. My mother had more money. As I ran off, I figured I would surprise him by giving him more. But while I rummaged through her drawer, I nearly changed my mind completely. It was wrong to take my mother’s money.
After some debate, I convinced myself this was not just for me, but for both of us. She was wrong about Jon. He was a good parent. We would be better off with him than without, and she would see this as soon as we were together again. Still, I took only fifteen ruffs and one hundred pits.
It suddenly occurred to me that I might not see Eizle again when my mother followed me to Lanhine. After I gave Swenn the money, he readied the carriage as I talked with Eizle. By then, Swenn had explained everything to him.
“Will you visit me?” I asked.
“I definitely will! My brother says he’ll take me next week.”
“He’s different than before,” I commented.
“He is. Maybe Ina won’t move now.”
“Make sure you come.”
“I will.”
“And don’t let anyone know about our magic.”
“I know. I won’t train with anyone else or ever let anyone see me. I promise.” Eizle leaned forward and hugged me. My arms came up to hug him back.
“I promise, too.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Aunt Nann pounded her fist on her leg. “Your mother was sick with worry! She wouldn’t believe you left with her money—couldn’t believe it!”
“I’m so sorry.”
“You really paid Swenn fifteen silver and a hundred pits? All that money?”
I couldn’t say anything.
“A carriage trip to Lanhine isn’t worth more than seven silver!”
My head fell to my chest. “I know that now, Aunt Nann.”
“Didn’t you learn anything from all the times that boy lied to you?”
“I was stupid,” I muttered. “I blame myself for all of it. After I heard what happened to her, I stopped sleeping. Every night I cried. I still can’t sleep very long. Guilt keeps me awake, as it should.”
I saw the anger dissipate from her face. “Oh, child, I’m sorry. You couldn’t have protected her anyway. You were just a small boy. It was better you weren’t here.”
I shook my head, fighting back tears. “No, madam. If I’d stayed, it never would’ve happened. She died because I left.”
“That’s not true at all. Don’t let yourself think that.”
It hurt worse than any beating Swenn had given me, knowing what I had to tell Aunt Nann. “It is true, madam. There’s something I haven’t told you yet.”
“What is it, child?”
I really did feel like a child as I readied myself for the hardest part to share. I was having trouble speaking, so I took a few breaths. Finally feeling the burgeoning tears sink back down, I continued from where I’d left off. She needed to know what had happened with Swenn on the carriage ride to understand how I knew what happened to Faye.
I’d been in one carriage before, when my mother paid for us to move from Lanhine to Cessri. The ride was smooth, and I slept most of the way. It used to be easy for me to sleep. Even as a baby, my mother told me I never stayed up crying. But the ride back to Lanhine with Swenn was bumpy. I didn’t know what he did differently.
“I’m hungry,” I told him after hours of silence.
He gave me some bread and told me to keep quiet. He wasn’t nearly as friendly as before.
When it became too dark to see more than silhouettes, he stopped the carriage and looked back at me from the front bench. “Lie down and sleep.”
He watched me until I shut my eyes. I worried about my mother and started to regret not leaving a note. What was the point of her teaching me how to read and write if I wouldn’t even do that?
The next day, Swenn was back to his old self—the person who never could’ve convinced me to leave my mother behind.
“Did you really take all of Faye’s money like I told you to?”
“Yes,” I lied.
“Because if you didn’t take it all, she might stay in Cessri.”
I wondered how she would pay someone to take her to Lanhine if she had no money. I wasn’t in the mood to ask. It would mean more discussion with Swenn, which just increased the chances of him be
coming angry and violent.
“I took everything I knew about,” I said.
“Fifteen silver and one hundred pits isn’t that much. Did you look everywhere?”
“I did, but she could have more somewhere.”
“Where?” Now he was getting angry. “You said you looked everywhere, so where could she have more? Unless you’re lying.”
“I’m not lying. I looked everywhere.”
“You’re not making sense.” It sounded like he was gritting his teeth. I could only see him from behind, and I feared him turning around.
Too scared, I didn’t speak.
“Well?” His head turned enough for me to see half his face. It appeared pinched.
“She’s good at hiding things.” I had no idea if this was true or not, because she certainly wasn’t when it came to her money.
“Sometimes you’re absolutely useless, like Eizle.”
That seemed to be the end of it. I never felt comfortable lying. Especially to Swenn, who always seemed to know. We didn’t talk much more that day.
By the third day in Swenn’s carriage, he wouldn’t stop muttering about how that couldn’t have been all her money.
One thing he said truly scared me. “I could just leave you here and no one would know.”
“Eizle would find out when you brought him to visit me,” I said.
“Unless I don’t take him.”
“You said you would.”
“I know what I said.” He didn’t look behind him. Was he seriously considering leaving me here?
I looked around and saw nothing but hills. I figured we were going in the direction of Lanhine, so I might be able to find it, but I didn’t know how far I’d have to walk.
“Swenn, don’t.”
He turned, showing me a smile. “I’m joking.”
I swallowed a gulp of air. I’d heard Swenn make jokes, and this didn’t sound like one. As clueless as I was about many things, I knew a false smile when I saw one.
