by Kate McLay
Alyssa was in her room folding laundry when Hannah came home. She passed by Alyssa's room without saying hi, but Alyssa didn't stop her. Hannah had her guitar with her and Alyssa wanted to ask why, but she wouldn't force interaction on her until she was ready. Sometimes a girl just needed a few minutes alone to rewind after a hectic day.
A few minutes later, Hannah came in and sat down on Alyssa's bed without a word. She pulled up the comforter and curled over, laying down at a 90 degree angle and watching Alyssa work. She looked a bit shell shocked.
Alyssa folded her final pair of jeans and set them down before joining Hannah on the bed. She lay down behind her and lazily trailed her fingers over Hannah's midsection. "What's up?" she asked. "You look like you saw a ghost."
Hannah straightened a little, easing herself next to Alyssa. "A record label is interested in me. One of the big agents is going to come check me out on Friday." She said it so quietly that Alyssa had to strain to hear.
"That's great!" Alyssa was excited for her. "Why are you saying it like you've just been diagnosed with cancer?" Alyssa had quickly become Hannah's number one fan and she knew that her girlfriend was destined for great things. She could practically see Hannah's name up in lights already.
"The label is in Dallas. They'd want me to move down there for at least a year, maybe more." She flipped over and Alyssa could see that her eyes glistened, not quite brimming with tears, but close.
"Oh." She tried not to sound disappointed, but knew she failed. "That sounds like an amazing opportunity."
Hannah squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and when she opened them, she forced a smile. "So you think I should go? If they want to sign me, I mean."
Alyssa's mouth went dry and her ears started ringing. She wanted to say no, of course she didn't want Hannah to move a thousand miles away. But they'd only been together for a month and she didn't want to keep Hannah from her big break. "How could I say otherwise?" she asked.
It wasn't what Hannah was looking for, that much was clear when the smile was wiped off her face. "So you're just willing to let me go?" she accused.
Alyssa sat up, this wasn't a conversation to have laying down. Hannah stood. Alyssa wanted to pace, but she kept her butt planted on the bed, she didn't want to fight. "I want you to be successful," she said. "How can I keep you from your dreams when I lo—" she stumbled over the word, barely keeping it from tumbling out. "When I like you so much?"
Hannah sank back down onto the bed. "I'm sorry," she said, cradling her head in her hands, "Today's just been an emotional roller coaster."
Alyssa reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder. Hannah looked up and smiled and Alyssa's heart did a weird little flip flop. "Can I help?" she asked.
Hannah leaned in and kissed her. As she pulled back, she said, "I think I know a way." When she kissed her this time, it was with an urgent passion that set Alyssa aflame. They fell back on the bed, arms wrapped around each other, legs tangling, as they claimed one another in the simplest way possible.
Chapter Seventeen
By Friday, Alyssa still hadn't managed to invite Hannah to Martha's dinner. But she had promised to attend Hannah's performance for the agent from Texas. She was both excited and terrified, though she knew that whatever she was feeling paled in comparison to what Hannah had to be going through.
Aside from the initial conversation, they hadn't spoken about what it would mean for them if Hannah had to move to Texas. The romantic in her wanted to throw caution to the wind and tell Hannah that she'd go with her, but the pragmatist in her soul urged her to wait. Maybe Hannah didn't want that, the relationship was young, they were young, and nothing was set in stone. There was no reason to be making promises.
Her workday seemed to crawl by. When she looked up from a project she'd been working on after she got back from lunch, she groaned when she saw that it wasn't even two PM. The rest of the day was a muddle, but she forced herself through it, finally escaping in time to go home and get ready for a night on the town. This was Hannah's big night and she wanted to look her best to support her girl.
Alyssa made it to the club just before nine PM. Hannah had promised that she wouldn't be on stage until after nine, so Alyssa figured she was safe. When she heard a familiar chord play out over the crowd, she rushed to check her coat in the coat check and find a place to listen, cursing herself for not leaving early enough.
Hannah was on stage under the bright, twirling lights. She wore jeans and a nice t-shirt, her hair full of product to keep it out of her face. She was wearing more makeup that Alyssa had ever seen her wear, but she could have been up there in pajamas and covered in sweat and Alyssa would still think she was beautiful.
Hannah opened with a cover of a song that had been popular a few years before and then segued in to an even older tune. This one was a dance song from the eighties that she'd slowed down to make into a ballad.
"She's so good!" said a woman standing behind her.
Normally Alyssa wouldn't have paid attention, but the two women were close enough that she could practically gather them into a bear hug. They had to be. In the cacophony of the club she wouldn't be able to hear anyone even a step farther away.
The other woman blew a raspberry. "Whatever, I don't think she's really gay."
At that point Alyssa wanted to jump in, but the first woman spoke before she could say anything. "Just because a woman turned you down doesn't mean she's straight. You do understand that, right?" Her voice was full of laughter.
"Um, hello? Have you met me?" She spoke in that sarcastic tone that a person could only use with friends unless they wanted to seem like a horribly mean person.
And for some reason that voice spurred Alyssa into action. She turned around, a glint in her eye. "She's really gay," she said.
The two women exchanged a glance and then looked her up and down simultaneously. "Mmm-hmm," said the one on the right.
"And how do you know?" said the one who claimed that Hannah was straight.
"She's my girlfriend." She didn't bother explaining, but turned around and took a few steps forward, letting the crowd swallow her up. Her heart beat rapidly and she wanted to jump up and down, but it wasn't from happiness. She'd never said that out loud to anyone before and now adrenaline cursed through her. Saying it felt right, but it was still a bit scary. Still, she couldn't keep from smiling.
Hannah was her girlfriend. And Alyssa wanted to shout it from the rooftops.
Alyssa watched her like a hawk through the rest of her performance. The club was nearly packed, but it may as well have been empty for all of the attention that Alyssa paid the other patrons. When Hannah finished her final song, it was Alyssa's whoops and cheers that were louder than anyone else's. Hannah heard her, and their eyes met for one brief second before she gave a bow and left the stage.
The club got quieter as the DJ piped in music to play until the next act came out. Alyssa made her way to the edge of the dance floor, toward the door that lead backstage. Hannah would be out at any moment and she wanted to be the first to greet her.
But five minutes grew into ten, and then fifteen. The next band came on and the lights flashed and whirled around, summoning people to the dance floor, and still Hannah wasn't out from backstage.
After another five minutes, Alyssa was ready to storm backstage and find her. But she was saved from anything so drastic when Hannah finally came out. She smiled broadly when she saw her. "So? What did you think?" She was wired from adrenaline, practically bouncing on her feet.
Alyssa grabbed her hands and clasped them between them, "You were amazing!" Tonight Hannah had performed her heart out. "And if anyone says they're your number one fan, send them my way. I'm going to fight them."
Hannah laughed and hugged her. But she pulled back after a moment. "Sorry, I know that we're..."
Alyssa stopped her from saying anything more with a kiss. They'd kept to darkened corners before, careful to avoid the curious eyes of the club's patrons. Even though
it was mostly lesbians who frequented this club, Alyssa was still shy. But not tonight. Tonight she was Hannah's. "Do you think I'm going to let you out in the crowd without me?" she asked when she broke the kiss. "Who knows who will try to take you home? That's my job."
Hannah raised her eyebrows, "Oh yeah?"
Alyssa brushed her fingers across Hannah's cheeks. "You're my girlfriend, aren't you?"
"Yes, I am." And then Hannah was kissing her and Alyssa wished that they had found a sufficiently dark corner. But making out with her beautiful, talented girlfriend where anyone could see would have to suffice for now.
Chapter Eighteen
Hannah was wired. She didn't know what had gotten into Alyssa, but she knew that she liked it. The girl hadn't been able to keep her hands to herself since Hannah met her after her performance. First it was the kiss outside the stage door, then it was the little possessive touches as they had a drink. Then Alyssa kept her arms wrapped tight around her as they danced to the band.
It was amazing. It was like Alyssa had blossomed or come out of her shell or something like that. She seemed ready to declare to the whole world that she was in a relationship with a woman. Hannah half expected her to pull out her cell phone and call up her mom to reveal their relationship. But she didn't take it that far. And this wasn't something borne out of alcoholic courage. Sure, Alyssa was a bit tipsy, but she wasn't drunk. This bravery was coming from somewhere else.
Hannah loved it.
At just before midnight they left the club to begin the trek home. Once they had walked two blocks, Hannah expected Alyssa to take a step or two back. She always did when they were in public. The club was a bit different. It wasn't quite the real world. And even there, Alyssa usually remained a bit reserved. But, if anything, Alyssa doubled down on her possession, taking Hannah's hand as they walked side by side and keeping her close, their shoulders brushing against one another as they walked.
They walked past the entrance to a convenience store and Alyssa tugged on her arm, pulling her towards the bright lights by the door. "Come on, I'm thirsty."
Hannah laughed, "Haven't you had enough already?"
"I want a pop," she whined, dragging out the 'o' until it sounded like pahhhhhp.
Hannah trailed her inside. This late at night, the store was nearly empty. A clerk sat behind the counter near the door, eyes and shoulders drooping. He barely looked up from his magazine when the two of them walked in.
Alyssa made a beeline for the back corner where the drinks were kept. Her finger trailed along the glass case until she stopped in front of a neon orange soda. She opened the cooler and grabbed one for herself. "Do you want one?" she asked.
"If you're buying," said Hannah.
"Pfft, get your own." Alyssa closed the door, grabbing only one soda. She left Hannah alone, wandering off towards the snack aisle. Hannah grabbed her own drink and followed her.
Alyssa was waiting with a bag of chips. "Am I hungry or do I just think I'm hungry?"
Hannah snatched the bag out of her hand and placed it back on the shelf. She placed a quick kiss on Alyssa's forehead before saying, "You're tipsy and snacky. We've got chips at home."
Alyssa grabbed onto the front of Hannah's coat, preventing her from moving. They were less than six inches apart, their bodies nearly flush up against each other. Alyssa leaned in and kissed her on the lips, slow and lazy, like they had all the time in the world.
Hannah's eyes drifted shut and her empty hand slid up against Alyssa's hip, her fingers bunching in the soft material of her dress. It went on long enough that Hannah only drew back because she was worried that the cashier would come and break them up. Or he'd be creepy and start leering at them.
"I don't want to be afraid anymore," Alyssa confessed. She lay her head down on Hannah's shoulder and wrapped her arms around her.
Hannah slid her arm from Alyssa's hip to rub her back. "There's nothing to be afraid of. You've got me." And now would not be the time to mention that Ado had been backstage talking to her about the show. The deal was practically a sure thing. By this time next week, she could be packing up to move to Texas. And if it weren't for the girl in her arms, Hannah would be jumping for joy. But to pursue the goal she'd had since she was a kid, she might just need to give up the girl of her dreams.
They broke apart and went to the cash register to check out. While Alyssa paid for her drink, Hannah glanced at the small rack of books next to the cash register. At the top of the rack, something sparkly caught her eye. It was a little bracelet covered in shiny green and gold beads. They were on sale for $12.99. She glanced over at Alyssa who was carefully counting out bills from her wallet.
Oh, what the hell.
She took one of the bracelets off the display and kept it in the palm of her hand and out of Alyssa's line of sight. She paid quickly while Alyssa walked towards the exit, sipping on her drink.
The bracelet burned a hole in her pocket on the entire walk back home. It might have been her imagination, but she thought Alyssa was on to her because she seemed to be hyper aware of Hannah's every action. Of course, it was also possible that Hannah was projecting. Yeah, she thought, that’s more likely.
A quick ride on the L and another few blocks walking and they were home. Both of them had red cheeks from the cool night air. They threw away their empty drink bottles and washed up, sharing the sink in the bathroom while they washed their faces, playfully elbowing each other for extra inches of room.
When Alyssa started flicking her toothbrush at her, the water hitting Hannah in the eye, she surrendered, finishing quickly and retreating to her own room. She grabbed the bracelet from her jacket pocket and waited until Alyssa was done in the bathroom. She almost chickened out. The gesture felt too small and too large at the same time. Alyssa deserved more than sparkly plastic, but jewelry was one of those very significant, very relationshipy things.
She screwed her courage up and went to face Alyssa. She joined her in her room where Alyssa was playing with something in her hands. When Hannah opened the door, she shoved one hand under her covers and looked up, eyes wide and panicked.
Okay, that was weird. But Hannah decided to ignore it. "So, I saw this at the store and I thought you'd like it." She held out the bracelet to Alyssa.
Alyssa took one look at it and burst out laughing. It wasn't the reaction that Hannah expected.
"What's so funny?" she asked.
Alyssa yanked her hand out from under her blanket and revealed a nearly identical bracelet, this one purple and gold instead of green and gold. "I got this one for you."
Then Hannah laughed. She got into bed with Alyssa, snuggling close to her. They exchanged bracelets, putting them on one another. Hannah held hers up close to her face and used her other hand to roll the beads around. "I'm never taking this thing off," she promised.
Alyssa was running her fingers over each bead. "They'll have to force it off of me." She didn't say who 'they' were. Alyssa let her wrist fall and turned onto her side to look at Hannah. "I've got this dinner thing for my boss next week. She's getting some sort of award. I can bring a guest. Do you want to come with me? As my girlfriend?"
Hannah angled her body towards Alyssa's. "You're really okay with that?" Hannah was floored. She meant it in the best way possible, but this turn around was miraculous. "You've been so secretive about us."
Alyssa reached up and cradled Hannah's face, running her thumb over Hannah's cheek. "I care about you, and I want them to know that you're mine." She leaned up and kissed her quickly. "Now, I'm not saying that I'm ready to call my mom and come out or whatever. But I don't want to hide you from my life, and I don't want to hide, not while I'm here."
"Will you regret it if you come out to your boss and then I have to move to Dallas?" Hannah didn't know why she was pushing. Alyssa was opening up, giving her what she wanted. What was the matter with her?
Alyssa closed her eyes and bit her lip, her eyes crinkling. Her eyes cracked open, but she looked down while sh
e spoke, focusing somewhere around her knees, "I don't want you to go. I care about you a lot and I want this relationship... I want to see what can happen with us." She peeked up but didn't hold Hannah's gaze.
Hannah's heart swelled. To some, it might have sounded like Alyssa wanted her to give up on her dream, but she understood exactly what she was saying. "If they give me the contract, move to Dallas with me." Making the offer terrified her. What if Alyssa said no? But the hope of her yes was enough to give her courage.
Alyssa's eyes jerked up and widened. "Seriously?"
Hannah nodded, "Yeah, come down with me." She'd been hoping that Alyssa would ask to join her, but this might be the only way to let her know that the option was there. "I mean, I know you've got work. But just think about it." This time, it was Hannah who initiated the kiss.
She didn't want to let go of this girl, and while she wasn't the religious type, she prayed that Alyssa would feel the same.
Chapter Nineteen
Alyssa was in what her grandmother would call 'a pickle.' With Hannah's Texas invitation hanging over her, she found herself looking at her work with new eyes. Did she really want to spend the next ten years planning and making lists about the ten sexiest moose in Manitoba or six innovative uses for maple syrup - number five will blow your mind?
She didn't dislike her job, not really. She had a lot to do, and she had room to grow. But she'd never thought that she'd do it for the rest of her life. Maybe if she stayed for longer than a year her dedication to the business would grow. But it was equally possible that she'd grow to hate it.
What did she want to do with her life?
The only thing that she knew she wanted for sure was Hannah. The rest was all up in the air, undecided. So was it that simple? She wanted to be with Hannah so she'd follow her wherever she went?
It was the day of the dinner and a late meeting meant that Alyssa needed to go straight from work. She and Hannah were supposed to meet there. Hannah had a shift at her restaurant, but she'd be off in plenty of time to make it. Unless, of course, the record company called her and whisked her away before she could say goodbye.
