by Anna Brooks
* * *
“Where’s Clover?” God, just saying her name makes my throat tight.
“With my mom and dad for a little bit.”
“Oh.” I pick up my stuff that he set on the kitchen floor, but he shakes his head and takes it from me.
“Stop. You’re not bolting out of here.”
I huff and cross my arms. “What do you want, Declan?”
“Why are you with Larry?”
“There isn’t a reason.”
“Why?”
“Why did you name your daughter Clover?” I throw a question back at him.
“Don’t try to change the subject.”
“Don’t try to psychoanalyze me.”
“You know Larry’s a prick, and you’re too strong to let him put his hands on you.” Declan leans against the wall and raises an eyebrow at me. “So tell me, Amie. What the fuck?”
“I don’t owe you any explanations.”
“I think that’s the least you owe me, don’t you?”
I look around the room and avoid his eyes on me, shaking my head. “It was a long time ago, Declan,” I whisper. “I’ll go to my parents, and you can forget you ever saw me again.”
“No.”
“No?”
“You’re not leaving.”
I don’t understand. He hates me, so why the hell is he trying to help me? “Why do you want me here? We both know you hate me for what I said.”
He straightens and tilts his head. “It’s what you did, Amie.”
“Whatever.” I reach for my bags again, but he closes his fingers around my wrist, and I yank my arm away. “Let me go.”
“There she is.”
“I never left,” I snap. He flinches, and I know it was a low blow. I was just as excited to get out of here as he was. We were going to start a life and travel, see the world. We even had a list of places to visit and adventures we wanted to experience together—scuba diving, skydiving, driving a racecar—and I ruined it.
He knows me too well, and I’m becoming defensive because he’s pissing me off, hitting nerves that I’m in denial about.
“Why are you with him?” he whispers.
“Declan…”
“Why?”
“Because I deserve him.” I sit on the floor, leaning against the kitchen chair. I don’t cry, because I’ve accepted my fate, and along the way to discovering it, I’ve learned that tears don’t change a damn thing.
“Amie,” he whispers.
“I’d like to go to my parents’ house.”
“Amie.”
When I look at him and see the sorrow in his features, it’s almost enough for me to tell him… to try to justify everything, to explain. But too much time has passed for it to make any difference. I’m living the life that I deserve. Surviving one day at a time. Living without being alive.
“I’d like to go to my parents’ house, please.”
I ignore the hand he holds out to me and I grab my bags. He tries to take them, but I just walk faster. Far, far away. I need to be as far away from him as I can right now. Silently, he drives and stops on the street in front of my childhood home. I get out and open the back door to grab my bags. As I’m walking up the walkway, he calls my name.
Without turning around, I stop.
“Don’t you dare go back to him. You don’t fucking deserve that shit. I’m back now, and if he fucks with you, I wanna know about it. Nobody fucking touches you.”
I nod and walk around to the side door and let myself in. As soon as I get inside, I drop my bags, run up to my room, and throw myself on my old twin bed. My fist pounds into the mattress, and I scream into the pillow. Why? I’ve asked myself that question so many times over the past seventeen years, and every time I do, I never get an answer.
My mother comes into the room and closes the door. “Was that Declan who dropped you off?”
“Yes.”
“Are you guys back together?”
A bitter laugh rolls up and out of my throat. “No.”
“Why are you in here having a temper tantrum?”
I lift my head off the pillow, and she gasps and covers her mouth. “Who did that? Was it Declan?” she asks in disbelief. “Oh, my God, Amie, who hurt you?” she cries.
“Hell, no. Declan would never hurt me. It was Larry.”
“Oh, no. My poor baby.” She opens the door and stomps down the stairs. With her bad hip, she has a limp, but I can’t remember the last time I saw her move this fast. “I’m calling the police.”
“Mom, no!” I yell and run down and grab the phone away from her before she gets through.
“Why the hell not? That little shit hurt you, Amie.”
“I wanted to talk to you about that.”
“We’ll talk after you go to the police. Was this the first time?”
When I don’t answer, she pulls me into her arms. “Oh honey, why didn’t you tell me? You should have told me. You’ve already been through so much.”
I comfort my mother, which is ironic, but it’s how it’s always been. When things in the past happened, my mom felt sorry for me and cried for me, and I stayed strong to make her feel better. I’m always strong for her. Especially since she’s older, I’ve always worried about her health.
“Please talk to me.” She wipes her eyes and brushes some hair off my face.
“After Declan, you know it took me forever to date.”
“If you even want to call it dating,” she says under her breath.
When Declan walked out of my room that day, I didn’t even look at another man for almost ten years. I had so much guilt, and mentally and physically, I wasn’t in the right place. But mostly, I was hoping he’d come back for me. With what I said to him, I knew if I showed up begging and pleading for him to take me back as I wanted, he’d slam the door in my face. And rightfully so.
Instead, I pretended to hold my head high in public. All of our friends slowly distanced themselves from me because I was the witch who ruined everything. I was fine with it; I am fine with it. I deserved it.
Any date I went on was a disaster. I was so uncomfortable, and a large part of me felt like I was being unfaithful to Declan. Larry is the only man I’ve had sex with, and if I could take it back, I would. It started out willingly, but the first time he choked me was the last time I openly gave myself to him.
“Well, when I went out with Larry, I knew that he was a massive asshole. He always has been, and I know that people, to their core, don’t change. But he charmed me. He was sweet and kind, and I felt some kind of familiarity from already knowing him from school. It didn’t start out bad.
“Declan always warned me to stay away from him. And I guess you could say I settled. I was so lonely, Mom. So, so lonely. And if I couldn’t have Dec, then being with Larry was as good as I was gonna get. I didn’t think he’d turn into such a massive prick, but that’s karma, I guess.”
“Oh, Amie, don’t say that.”
I shrug. “It’s the truth. Anyway, he started out just berating me, saying mean things. Then he’d shove me. A light slap here and there. You see where this is going.”
“Yes, and I don’t like it.”
“Me either. Along the way, he started taking control of my finances and drained my bank account. I’ve wanted to leave, but I don’t have money, and I don’t want to stay here in case he comes after me.”
“Amie, you need to call the police. I can’t believe—”
“Trust me, I can’t either. I never thought he would get so bad, and the thing is, I’m not a victim. I know that. I put myself in this situation, and I’ll get myself out.”
“I know how strong you are; you proved that almost twenty years ago.” Mom gives me a sympathetic smile, and I have to look away from her.
“So you know how much I hate to do this, but I need to borrow some money.”
“Of course.”
“I’ll start looking at apartments, and I’ll just need the deposits.” It kills me to ask my
parents for this, but I’m too strong to continue living with Larry, especially since he’s getting worse. Asking for help isn’t weak.
“Whatever you need, but you know you’re more than welcome to stay here.”
“I’m thirty-five years old. I’m not living with my parents. No offense.”
“None taken.” Her laughter fades, and she grabs my hands. “Why don’t you tell him?”
She doesn’t need to say his name for me to know who she’s taking about. “Because he’s happy. He has a daughter. I ruined his life once, and I won’t do it again.”
Chapter 7
Declan
IT’S BEEN A MONTH since I’ve seen Amie. I’m trying to forget she’s so close, forcing myself to leave her alone. She obviously doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore… She made that evident when she cheated on me and then again when I offered her a lifeline and she cut it in half last month.
When I moved back, I was planning to live my life without her like I have for so long, but it only took one look at her and I fell back in love with her. If I allow myself to admit it again… I never stopped loving her.
I’m not the kind of man who is going to sit back and not go after what I want. But I won’t be a fuckin’ pussy either and beg her to take me back when she’s clearly fine without me. I do have some pride. I got her away from Larry. I did my good deed… so I’m done.
“Uncle Decwan?”
I shake my head back into the present and pull Caroline onto my lap. “Yes, little girl?”
“Will you brush my hair?”
“I’d love to.”
She removes her princess crown and sets it on my head. Then she hands me a hairbrush for a doll, and I chuckle as I hold the little thing between my fingertips and try not to rip her hair out.
Charlotte walks in the room, pulls her cell out of her back pocket, and snaps a picture. “So cute.”
I shoot her a dirty look and flip her off behind Caroline’s back.
“Clover’s sleeping and so is Sean. They’re so cute next to each other.”
Pierce and Ruby walk in the room, and he does a double take then reaches for his phone.
“Char already took one,” I grumble at him.
“Sweet. Text it to me.”
“Payback’s a bitch,” I mouth to him.
We hang out at Charlotte’s house for a little while, and when Travis gets home, all the guys grab a beer and turn the game on. As we’re yelling at the screen, Char comes in and shuts the TV off.
“Sweetheart, what the hell?” Travis asks.
“Go. Get out of my house. You guys are loud, and you’re driving me nuts. Ruby and I are going to hang out with the kids while you guys go and just… go. Goodbye.”
I look at Travis and Pierce, and they shrug. “You sure? I have enough stuff for Clover.”
“I’m sure. Go have fun.”
“Let me just talk to Ruby real quick first.” Pierce heads to the kitchen where the girls were. He returns a moment later and smiles. “Let’s go, boys!”
Travis and I say goodbye and follow Pierce out the door. “The Pub? Nik’s working tonight,” Pierce asks.
“Nah, I don’t want to deal with people I know tonight. Besides, he came over a few days ago and watched the game with me. I don’t need to see his ugly mug twice in one week,” I joke.
“There’s a new club on Sixth,” Travis says. “It has three stories, and each one is a different theme. We could check that out.”
“Sounds good.”
Travis drives, and when we get to the bar, the loud music begins to pump me up instantly. We grab a beer from the bar and walk up all three floors to check it out. Once we get to the top, we decide to go back to the second floor where we saw a ton of old-school arcade games.
We waste a shit ton of money reliving our childhood, then we go back up to the third floor where the music is a little louder and the people a little drunker. Since the tables are all full, we stand around drinking our beers, although Travis has switched to water.
“How’s work, Travis?” I ask him, inquiring about his job as a firefighter.
“Eh, you know how it is.” He’s modest, but I understand and respect that. It’s easy to talk about all the people you save and feel proud about that, but the ones you didn’t get to in time haunt you. The faces of their loved ones falling apart tear at your heartstrings and don’t ever let go. He and I have both seen some horrifying things that will haunt us till the day we die.
“I do,” I agree then look at my brother. “Shoulder good, Pierce?” He took a bullet for Ruby when some psycho ass kidnapped her. Thankfully, they both got away and are doing good now.
“Yep. Pretty much back to normal.”
“I know Clover’s still little, but I was thinking about getting one of those playsets for the backyard. That way when you guys come over, Caroline has a place to play. Plus, little Sean and little Stephen can use the baby swings.”
“Yeah,” Travis agrees, talking about his son and his brother’s baby, Stephen. “Brandon and Mary come up almost every weekend.”
“Holy shit, you guys are old.” Pierce laughs. “We’re at a bar, and you’re talking about swing sets.”
“Wait till you have a baby, man.” Travis lightly punches him.
“Cool. You fuckers have to help me set the thing up—”
“Hey boys,” a sultry voice interrupts me and causes us all to turn. A sexy little redhead and her two friends approach us. “Wanna dance?”
Travis holds up his ring finger, and Pierce just shakes his head. All three women look at me, and I set my beer down. “Later, fuckers.” I walk to the dance floor and dance with all three of them. They sandwich me between them and grind their asses and tits against me. I haven’t gotten laid in like three months, and I have a feeling these ladies would be happy to accommodate… But the more they touch me, the more I want to distance myself from them because Amie’s face keeps popping up in front of me.
The redhead isn’t the curly blonde I want to see. Her tall legs aren’t the short, toned ones I want wrapped around my waist. The manicured nails scratching my back aren’t the natural, short ones I want digging into my shoulders until they leave marks.
I close my eyes, pissed that I’m letting Amie fucking control my dick. And when I look at the chick who’s rubbing her hand on my cock outside of my jeans, I can’t do it. I just fucking can’t. “Sorry, ladies. Gotta go.” I peel myself away from them and motion to the guys that I’m leaving.
They meet me out front, where they find me pacing.
“Amie?” Pierce guesses and gives me a sympathetic smile.
“Jesus fuck, man. How can she still have me whipped?”
He squeezes my shoulder in solidarity. “’Cause you love her.”
Travis clears his throat. “When Charlotte came back, I swear she had voodoo powers or some shit over my cock.”
“Dude,” I whine. “She’s like our sister. I don’t wanna hear that shit.”
“Just sayin’.” He shrugs. “It’s the power of seeing her face to face. It’s easy to force yourself to forget when they’re out of sight. Doesn’t matter how much time has passed, when you see her again, all the shit you’ve been pretending to hide forces its way out and beats you in the balls.”
* * *
The next night, I’m working at the pub with my best friend, Nik. Since my plan is to take over for Meara when she has the baby, I’m acclimating myself now by leaving Clover for little bits at a time. I hate being away from my baby, but since I’ll normally be working nights, she’ll mostly just sleep at my parents’ house.
There’s a lull in the crowd, and Nik elbows me in the side. “What’s up?”
“Huh?”
He raises his eyebrows at me.
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Fuck, man. Go talk to her.” He doesn’t even need to say her name.
“I tried that, but she wanted nothing to do with me. I’m not gonna beg her. She mad
e it clear she didn’t give a shit about me when she let someone fuck her while I was in boot camp.” How can I still be so messed up over something that happened so long ago?
“No, you took her to your house a month ago, pissed off because some prick put his hands on her. You named your daughter the name you guys were going to use for your kid, and you haven’t seen each other in forever. You never even talked to her about it.”
“I gave her the chance to talk.”
“Did you?”
“What?”
“Did you talk?”
I cross my arms and avoid looking at him.
“You didn’t, right? You just brought her to your place and felt your possession wrapping around your throat, so you were a fuckin’ asshole.”
“Fuck you.” I turn my back to him and roll my shoulders, then I grab a bag of trash to take outside. Damn it. What the hell. Leave it to Nik to call me out… Stupid bastard is too smart for his own good. When I get back in, he doesn’t look at me, but I stop behind him. “I’ll talk to her.”
Chapter 8
Amie
“MS. DOTTY, CAN YOU help me tie my shoe?”
I sit on the floor, and Maddy puts her foot on my lap. “Show me how you do it, first.”
She crisscrosses the laces and makes a couple of loops. When her little fingers attempt to put them through, they fall apart. She huffs, and I slowly wrap the laces around my fingers and show her. She tries again on the other shoe and gets it right.
“See, you can do it!”
“Yay! I did it!” She throws her arms around my neck. “Thank you, Ms. Dotty.”
“You’re welcome.” Her feet bounce when she walks away.
Moments like these are the reason I do what I do. I love teaching kids and watching as they accomplish something. Seeing the smiles on their faces when they finally do something they didn’t think they could do is the best feeling in the world. Knowing I helped put those smiles on their faces is what keeps me going.
