by Lilian Darcy
‘No?’
‘We’re twins, you see. Identical. We look spookily alike, and we’re supposed to spookily buy the same outfits as each other without knowing, and spookily fall in love with spookily similar men and spookily give birth on the same day. At this rate, it’s not even going to happen in the same decade.’
‘And you want it. Needless to say.’
‘I’ve always wanted it.’ She blinked. ‘Hannah didn’t, for a long time. She picked the big medical career, I went for the one where you can easily work part time so you can stay home with your family. Now she has the career, and the man, and she’s having the baby, and I hate it that I’m jealous of my own twin, and I hate it that she’s having such a huge, life-changing experience that I don’t know anything about and can’t share and don’t look like ever sharing, the rate things are going, when we’ve shared so much all our lives. But I don’t have a man. Even though I’m not a personality-challenged hag, Miranda.’
‘Not that I’ve noticed so far…’
‘I’m…I’m nice, and funny, sometimes, and I’m halfway pretty. Seven out of ten.’
‘Might even give you an eight.’
‘Eight! Not bad! And I take care of my body, and I don’t have any secret vices, and none of my past boyfriends have put out restraining orders against me for slashing the tyres on their sports cars—’
‘Well, there’s your problem, right there,’ Miranda said.
‘What?’
‘Going out with men who drive sports cars.’
‘Are you trying to make me laugh so I’ll stop crying and shut up?’
‘It’s a good strategy. Don’t knock it. I’m hoping someone’ll do the same for me next time I go into the biological clock rant.’
‘Oh, you’ve done the biological clock rant, too?’
‘What do you think? It’s hard! I bet your sister says the same things to you that my non-single-and-childless friends say to me. All that rubbish about when the time is right and don’t try too hard and when you least expect it.’
‘Doesn’t it make you want to scream?’
‘But then I remember they’re saying it because they care.’
‘Which Hannah is, too, and Emily, my friend here, who married Mike in the middle of the cyclone seven months ago.’ Susie sat up straight suddenly. ‘I bet Emily’s pregnant, too! I just bet she is! Grr! She’s been looking pregnant lately. She’s been a bit weird, all round. Of course! Because she’s scared to tell me!’
Miranda gave a sympathetic groan. ‘And it’s worse when they don’t tell you, isn’t it, because then you know they’ve been trying to spare your feelings. They’re being kind.’
‘At least Hannah didn’t do that. She had the testing kit still in one hand and the phone in the other, and I could hear Ryan in the background, begging her to sit down and put her feet up. He is going to be revolting for the next seven and a half months, I am so glad they’re in New Zealand!’ She sniffed, wiped her eyes with the heel of her hand and laughed at herself. ‘Gee, that’s starting to feel good. I’m not really glad they’re in New Zealand. Meanwhile, who else can I unjustly slam?’
‘We’ll start a list. Can I add names of my own?’
‘No, but you can tell me how come you’re childless and single and thirty-something, if you want, so that we’re even.’
‘You really want the total heart-to-heart package tonight, don’t you?’
‘Only if you want.’
‘It might help.’
And Susie put on such a good listening face that Miranda gave in and told it all, stopping short of Nick’s name.
Just.
She finished after a few minutes, ‘It never occurred to me, you see, that it wasn’t safe to give my heart to someone who seemed to want it so much. But when it turned out that way—when he wasn’t interested—well…The next time I don’t think I gave my heart enough. Once bitten, twice shy. Only that didn’t work out either. So now I’m stuck, and I don’t know which way to go.’
‘Give it,’ Susie said promptly.
‘Just like that?’
‘You can’t live life without taking risks. And, anyway, to be brutally honest, when it comes to this kind of thing I don’t see that any of us has a choice.’
‘Oh, lord, am I ready for that kind of wisdom, I wonder?’
‘Clearly we need to go into a relationship counselling practice together, hon.’
They laughed again, a satisfying peal, which cut off abruptly when Nick strode into view along the path. ‘Miranda, is that you?’
‘Yes, it is.’ She stood up at once, thinking of Josh. Nick was frowning and walking too fast. That evening’s theme accessory, a mobile phone, was pressed to his ear. ‘Is everything OK?’
‘Anna wants to speak to you,’ he answered shortly. ‘I couldn’t find you on the beach.’ He glanced at Susie, as if something about their shared laughter made him suspicious and unhappy. ‘I’ve found her, she’s here,’ he said into the phone, then held it out.
‘Miranda?’ Anna said on the line.
‘Hi, Anna.’ The other woman’s voice came as a shock. She’d hardly thought about Nick’s ex-wife since they’d arrived.
‘Please, tell me he doesn’t really have Josh at a bonfire!’
‘They’ve buried it in sand now. They handled it really well, Anna, honestly. They lit it early and didn’t let any of the asthma or CF kids near it until the flames and smoke had died back to coals. No one has had breathing problems. It’s been such a nice night, and Josh had a ball. Even Ming Tan went down there for about half an hour and didn’t need her inhaler.’
‘Is he eating properly? Or is it just junk?’
‘He’s eating fine,’ Miranda soothed her again. ‘You know they wouldn’t have a junky menu plan at a place like this. How is your mother doing, by the way?’
‘Oh, better. She actually sent me out shopping today.’
‘What did you buy?’
‘A new swimsuit, shoes…and I had lunch all on my own in the corner of a café, reading a book. I can’t remember how long it is since I’ve done something like that.’ She sounded a little bemused at the fact that she’d had some breathing space and had actually enjoyed it. Miranda suspected it might be the healthiest thing that had happened to her in a while. But Anna wasn’t to be distracted for long. ‘Why is Nick keeping Josh up so late? Can you please stress to him—?’
‘Because there are fun things to do in the evenings,’ Miranda cut in, firm and cheerful. ‘So it’s the best plan. It’s pretty hot during the day. Most kids have a siesta or at least some quiet time after lunch.’
‘Miranda, you know the background to my son’s situation.’
‘I’m keeping that in mind, Anna. And I can only say, from everything I’ve seen, he’s having a really fabulous time, and so is his dad.’
Thick silence.
Miranda had the sudden shocked understanding that a part of Anna—the deep, murky and all too human part where an identical twin could be jealous of her beloved sister’s pregnancy, or a well-adjusted professional woman could covertly roll her eyes and wish her best friend would just shut up about the right man coming along when you least expected it—yep, that same part of Anna didn’t want Josh to have a good time.
Not when he was having it with Nick.
With an urgency that surprised her, Miranda turned her back on Susie and Nick, still standing nearby, and went further down the path.
‘Anna, you have to rethink what you’re feeling,’ she said. ‘You have to look at some of your reactions, sit them side by side with your love for Josh and see what’s happening here.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘Josh is having a great time. That’s what matters. It’s all that matters. His breathing sounds great. He looks happy. He’s eating well. Whether he’s with Nick or with you, his happiness is what’s important.’ She waited a moment for Anna’s agreement, then added insistently, ‘Isn’t it?’
‘Of course
.’ A little wooden and uncomfortable.
‘And I’m not just speaking as your son’s doctor, I’m speaking as someone who wants the best for all three of you. If you’re jealous of the time Nick’s getting to spend with him this week—’
‘Jealous?’
‘That’s a very human response, in a lot of ways, but you’re the one who’s getting twisted up inside over it, Anna. You have to see that, and let it go. Take more of those café lunches. Remember that you’re a person, too.’
‘W-why are you saying this?’ Anna stammered. She sounded indignant and yet unsure of herself, too. ‘I mean, how dare you say it? I have never asked for this sort of personal interference from you, Dr Carlisle, and I don’t want it.’
‘Anna, don’t you think—?’
‘No. No. There’s nothing more to say. Good grief, I can’t believe this! Over the phone!’
‘All right, I’m sorry if I was too frank. I know you didn’t ask for it, but I believe it needed to be said. Don’t use Josh as a weapon in your battles with Nick. And don’t forget about your own needs as a human being. Step back. Do what’s best for your son, and for yourself. Right now, I don’t think you are. You’re dying inside—your needs, your capacity for joy—and it’s not helping your child.’
‘You are really not pulling your punches tonight!’
‘Not this time, no.’
Another silence, then Anna said stiffly, ‘I’ll think about what you’ve said.’
Miranda spoke more gently this time. ‘I know you will, Anna.’
But she was almost shaking when she flipped the phone shut a moment later. She’d never spoken so passionately and frankly to the mother of a patient before, especially not a patient she cared about the way she cared about little Josh. Was she wrong to have stuck her neck out so far? Had she stepped over the wrong line?
And, above all, what would Nick think?
Nick, about whom Susie had just unknowingly told her that she didn’t have a choice.
He couldn’t have heard, but he must have realised from her tone and her determined retreat that she was saying something important. He was chatting with Susie when she reached them again. It was a little tense and superficial on both sides. Susie’s face still showed traces of her recent tears, and Nick wasn’t exactly in a relaxed frame of mind either.
Miranda told him, ‘I think we’ve sorted it out.’
‘Is she coming up?’
‘Oh. We didn’t cover that. Has one of her sisters come down from Sydney?’
‘I mean coming up to take Josh home straight away. She talked about it.’ He glanced at Susie, apparently decided he didn’t care that she was listening, and added, ‘Well, threatened it. Because I let him go down to the bonfire.’
‘I’m sure she won’t.’ Despite Anna’s difficult nature, Miranda had underlying faith in her. She was emotional and irrational, and having an only child with serious health issues had narrowed her perspective to a dangerous degree, but she wasn’t stupid. At some point, surely, she’d start to see things more clearly and be more willing to let go. ‘She’ll rethink things.’
‘Hmm,’ Nick said. He took some restless paces on the sandy path. He seemed shut away suddenly, and Miranda didn’t know what more she could tell him.
Susie touched her shoulder and said, ‘I’m going back to the beach, Miranda. See if there’s anything I can help with. They’ll be winding up soon.’
‘Where’s Josh?’ Miranda asked Nick, when Susie had gone. He was still standing there with the mobile phone held forgotten in his hand. At her words, he thrust it into his pocket and shifted his mental focus.
‘Still playing,’ he said. ‘One of the Crocodile Creek doctors said she’d keep an eye on him. Janey someone. She has her son here, too, and they’re about the same age. But I should get him home to bed.’
He was silent for a moment, but Miranda could see that he hadn’t finished. Even in the dim light she could see the lines of tension around his eyes and mouth. She wanted to touch his face with her fingers and soothe them away. Oh, Susie was right! What choice did she have, where he was concerned?
Finally, he spoke again. ‘What did you and Anna say to each other? Can I ask?’
‘You’d better not.’ She blurted out, ‘I’m already in danger of getting too involved. No, to be honest, I already am too involved.’
He stepped closer and said softly, ‘As a doctor or as a woman?’ He was looking at her intently now, examining her face in a way that made her whole body heat up. His eyes glinted darkly. His hand hovered ready to touch her and yet he didn’t do it. He was waiting for her answer, but she couldn’t give it. ‘Miranda? This isn’t what you said today on the beach.’
‘I know.’
‘So tell me. I want to hear it, not guess at it.’
She closed her eyes. ‘Both. As a doctor, and as a woman. It’s obvious, isn’t it? Both!’
And then she just stood there and waited, because she knew down to the marrow of her bones that he was going to kiss her.
CHAPTER SIX
SHE remembered this. The way he tasted. The way his mouth moved. The strength of his body against hers. The intensity of his focus.
Before Miranda could think about the impossible contradiction in having turned Nick away this afternoon only to kiss him with her whole soul now—she’d never stopped seeking out the kids on the beach, after all, and at heart she was proud of her child-self for that—she had parted her lips and wrapped her arms around him. She couldn’t speak or think. She could only feel.
Feel, and remember.
This was exactly how it had been ten years ago. One minute acting like strangers, the next minute knowing that life hadn’t properly begun until now, until this moment, when she was touching him. It was like a door being flung open to show a fabulous mountain vista instead of a tame suburban yard, or a word puzzle resolving from a meaningless jumble of letters into a classic phrase.
This was right.
She belonged in this moment.
‘Miranda…’ he whispered.
She’d never been kissed so deeply. Where did his mouth end and hers begin? She hardly knew. He tasted of marshmallow and chocolate, and his skin smelled like seawater and sun-screen, as fresh and inviting as the ocean itself. He sought her response with a silent mixture of command and entreaty that frayed her control so fast she was breathless. He couldn’t get enough of her, and she felt the same. Every touch of their hands on each other’s bodies staked a demanding claim.
It was serious, this kiss.
It wasn’t opportunistic or semi-drunk or half-hearted or merely physical.
It asked questions and made promises and changed everything. It was built on everything that had happened ten years ago, but this only made it more inevitable, not more impossible. She knew it, and he knew it, and neither of them wanted it to stop.
But Josh was still on the beach, and Nick couldn’t leave him in a stranger’s care for much longer, even if the stranger was a local medical centre doctor with a child of her own.
‘Could you come and sit on my veranda when Josh is asleep?’ he whispered, his arms so warm and solid around her that she thought she’d feel safe in them forever.
‘I—Yes. Um, yes, I will. If you want.’
‘Of course I want! Watching you talk to Anna on the phone just now, with so much heat and urgency in your voice even when I couldn’t hear the words, hearing you laugh with Susie like old friends when you’ve only known each other for two days…Talk to me! Laugh with me. Put that heat into your voice when you talk to me!’ He gave a metallic laugh and admitted, ‘I was jealous.’
‘Jealous? Were you?’ Something nagged and fluttered in the back of her mind as she spoke, but she didn’t have time to examine it now. Something to do with the words he’d just spoken.
‘Yes, because I remembered that we’d talked and laughed like that once, too,’ he was saying.
‘We did,’ she said on a shaky breath. ‘Suddenly it feels like
yesterday.’
‘Come back to the beach with me. Come to the cabin and wait while I get Joshie to bed. We’re not letting this go.’
‘No, we’re not…’
He took her hand and they stumbled down the sandy path, disorientated by the power of what had just happened.
On the beach, the bonfire party was almost over. Kids were yawning and parents, camp staff and medical people were looking at their watches or packing up gear. It was nearly nine o’clock, and any of the Crocodile Creek people who needed to be back on the mainland tonight would have to leave very soon in order to make the last boat at nine-fifteen.
‘Come on, Rowdy!’ Janey said to her little boy, echoing similar hurry-up phrases from other parents.
Josh stood ankle deep in the water, apparently mesmerised by the moonlight glowing on the white foam. Nick went down to him and took his hand, and Josh looked up at him in a way that would probably bring Nick’s heart close to bursting. Miranda waited, not wanting to interrupt the moment. They’d already made so much progress together.
Charles was still here.
She was surprised to see him on his feet, although he leaned heavily on a sturdy frame and had his wheelchair just behind him. He did have some use of his legs, then. He looked tired, and as if he was fighting the fatigue way too hard, refusing to give in to it until he had no choice. With his disability or without it, he was an incredibly impressive man.
She heard him ask one of the Crocodile Creek doctors…Luke, maybe…’Where’s Lily? She was here just a minute ago. Dammit, I hate it when she runs off in the dark!’
Or rather, he hated his own inability to go easily in search of her, Miranda realised. The beach was soft and treacherous for either wheels or a frame, and he was stuck where he was. He moved back towards his wheelchair and seemed to relax when he saw Lily coming towards him.
She was carrying something. ‘I need to show Charles. He’ll help.’
The dark shape flopped in her outstretched hands and Miranda couldn’t tell what it was until Lily was just a few metres away. Another child’s forgotten piece of clothing?
No, ugh, a dead bird…
