by Maisey Yates
Except that wasn’t it because she’d felt that way about him before they’d slept together. The fascination, the strange connection, had been there from the moment she’d first seen him. It was strange she felt that way toward him.
This man who hadn’t been able to even imagine the kind of poverty she’d grown up in. Yet they did connect. Somewhere, down deep. Probably in their pain.
And there was a physical connection. No point in denying that. She could feel it now, with him way over there. Just looking at him made her hot inside. Made her feel like parts of her were too close to a fire.
It was a distraction she really didn’t need. She had to remember that she was here to bring down Treffen, to get justice for Sarah. That was why she’d gone through his things earlier—thoroughly. If there was anything he was holding back, she wanted to know.
“Ordered,” he said, hanging up. “Now we wait.”
He shoved both hands in his pockets and stood there, looking like he’d come straight from a designer catalog. There to model sexy watches and perfectly fitted pants.
He made her feel like a scrub. In her sweatpants, with her hair hanging limp...
Of course, he’d just seen her naked, so it was an improvement on that.
She tried to swallow and moisten her suddenly dry throat.
“I do have something to ask you,” he said, his voice taking on that hard edge that said he wasn’t going to be doing any asking.
He was about to command her to do something.
And that scared her. Because her entire body tightened in anticipation of it. With the desire to do as she was told.
Only for him. Never for anyone else. In the rest of her life, she was in charge. She kept things moving. She kept things together. She made the rules.
But not with him. And it was as natural as breathing.
He spoke with that hint of authority and everything in her went to jelly. Only sometimes, though. Only when she had sex on the brain.
Other times, his orders ticked her off just as much as anyone’s.
It was weird. But then, the whole thing was weird. Getting off on any of it was weird.
“What?” she asked, trying to sound defiant, and not melty.
“How many parties did my father have coming up?”
“Oh, well, he’s got the more exclusive Christmas Eve party, and then he’s got the New Year’s party....”
“And I need to attend both. Considering we’re reconciling and all.”
“And?”
“And I’ve been thinking. Since you’re going to look like my lover anyway, we might as well go ahead and play it up. It was benefiting you to be there as an event coordinator. Think how much more we can find out if you’re there as my mistress.”
“Your mistress? What is this, some bad black-and-white film?”
“Girlfriend. Lover. Whatever you prefer.”
“Love slave?”
“All things considered, anything that speaks of sexual slavery might not be the best label to put on it.”
She blinked, her eyes stinging as she thought of Sarah, of those other women, subjected to the orders of men. Her cheeks burned as she thought of what it had meant to obey his orders.
She didn’t know her own body right now. Not at all. There were too many conflicting emotions in it. Too many contrary desires.
She wanted to step out of it. Leave all that stupid lust, the regret, the pain, the desire behind. She wanted to step out of her skin before all of those feelings sank down beneath the surface and wrapped around her bones.
Being Katy was too hard. Had been for a long time. But right now the years had rolled together, collected into a heavy weight that rested on her, that made it difficult to breathe. Right now she felt desperate to escape.
And she knew only one way to do that.
In Austin’s arms, she’d felt free. Taking orders from him, she’d somehow felt liberated.
No. You can’t go there. Not again. How can you even be tempted? How could you possibly want that?
“You want me to play the part of dream date?” she asked, her tone tart.
“Sure. I’ll even by you a corsage if you like.”
“I do like. I didn’t get to go to prom, you know?”
“No?”
She shook her head. “Nope. I was doing double shifts at the diner. What about you?” If she could keep talking, mask the tension, mask the weight of what they were dealing with, maybe she could survive.
“Gave a corsage. Lost my virginity. Prom was memorable.”
“Senior prom?” she asked, her brows arching upward.
“Yep.”
“Bit of a late bloomer.”
“Says the woman who lost her virginity less than a week ago.”
Heat stung her cheeks. “We’re not talking about me. Who was your girlfriend?”
“She was more experienced than I was. We got a hotel room. You know, normal for that sort of thing. It’s what most people do, isn’t it?”
“I think missing prom may be why I was still a virgin,” she said. “I missed that normal, crucial step.”
“There you go. That explains it.”
“This is painfully awkward,” she said.
“What is?”
“Trying to talk to you like we’re normal people who just met. Rather than people who just met, got naked and then found out they shared a common tragedy.”
“It’s not the easiest thing I’ve ever done,” he said. “I’ll grant you that.”
“Why bother? Maybe we should just eat our noodles in silence.”
“We could do that. But then what will we do when we have our dates? We do have to look comfortable with each other.”
“I suppose so.”
“There’s no ‘suppose’ about it.”
“I thought Jason’s magical arrogance would put an invisibility cloak over my true motives?”
“In many ways, it will. But it would be nice if we looked somewhat authentic, don’t you think?”
“I don’t know. So many couples have nothing in common and don’t know what to say to each other anymore.”
“Not new couples,” he said.
“No? Enlighten me. Obviously I’ve never been the other half of a couple.”
“Never?”
“I was a virgin, dumb-ass.”
“That doesn’t mean you never dated.”
She let out a long sigh. “I dated. But no guy ever lasted longer than two dates. And I didn’t date often. I think the reasons why are fairly obvious.”
“When did you move out?”
“I was eighteen. I took Trey with me. My brother, Trey.”
“I remember Sarah talking about you both.”
“Anyway,” she said, skimming over the mention of her sister, “I didn’t date because it was too much work. There was already too much to handle. I didn’t need another...thing to contend with. In my experience, men were just another hassle and I didn’t have the energy for it.”
“Can I ask what made you change your mind that night?” he asked.
“Okay, I’ll be honest. Being busy wasn’t the only thing it was.... I knew what I wanted, Austin. I knew I wanted a guy to hold me down and tell me what to do, to take my control away, take my decisions away, and...that’s a scary thing to want. A scary thing to admit you want. Then I met you and for some reason I trusted you wouldn’t abuse that power. And I could also see that you wanted it. On top of that, I didn’t see you as a hassle because I saw you as sex. And it turns out, I could not have been more wrong.”
“Funny how things work out.”
“Mmm.”
“Except you’re right about something,” he said.
“About what you want
ed?” she asked, heat settling low in her stomach now.
He looked down. “Yes.”
“There’s a little bit of magic to how all of that lines up, isn’t there?”
“I suppose there is. Though...black magic.”
She nodded, feeling compelled to lean into him. To touch him. But she didn’t.
“Anyway,” he continued, “we will have to be more than a distant, brittle old couple because we are, theoretically, in the beginning stages of an affair. You’re the first woman who has ever spent the night in my house, much less lived in it.”
“Am I really?”
“I told you, I don’t share space. But you know that must mean there’s something very special about you.”
“Maybe I’m double-jointed in interesting ways.”
“Or maybe we just play up the chemistry we have between us?” He leveled his gaze with hers and her darn unreliable throat went dry again.
“Well, yeah, we could do that, too,” she said. “Or...I mean...the flexibility.”
He walked toward her, his eyes locked with hers, and she literally felt her knees get weak. She couldn’t look away from him. Couldn’t do anything but watch as he closed the distance between them.
He reached his hand out and cupped her cheek, sliding his thumb along her skin. “I don’t think we’ll have very much trouble convincing people there’s something pretty explosive between us.”
“You don’t?”
“No. I have a harder time convincing myself that what happened between us last week...how good it was...wasn’t real. That I’m making it bigger in my mind.” He put his other hand on her cheek and she couldn’t breathe at all. “I’m trying to make myself believe it. Because if I don’t—”
An alarm buzzed and she cursed and blessed the timing.
“That would be the food,” he said.
“Yes.” She let out the breath she’d been holding and stepped away from him. Saved by the takeout. Any longer and she was sure she would have kissed him. And from there he would have gripped her hair in that iron fist of his and...well, she would have followed any command that had come after.
She watched him go to the door. Watched him take the delivery. She was powerless to do anything but watch him when he was around. She was missing some brain cells when it came to the man, and she couldn’t quite figure out why.
“Want to sit...?”
“Anywhere,” she said.
He lifted a shoulder and carried the bag into the kitchen area, to the small table he’d been having his coffee at that morning.
Had it only been a few hours ago? It felt like days.
It felt like weeks since they’d slept together. And like only a moment ago, too. Because she was pretty sure she could still feel the impression of his touch lingering on her skin, burning, as though he’d only just touched her.
“I guess we’ll be spending the holidays together,” she said, wandering over to the table and sitting. “Do you have soda?”
“Soda?”
“Yes.”
“I have beer.”
“I don’t really like to drink. I mean...I will. But I don’t often.”
“I see. Too responsible?” he asked, opening the fridge and pulling out a can of soda.
“No. It’s just that some kids think it’s cool, I guess. Because it’s forbidden. Because they’re drawn to the idea of losing their inhibitions. That part of it, I don’t find appealing.” She shrugged. “I saw my parents drunk and high.... It’s one of my first memories. That and the first time I got high.”
His shoulders tensed, his entire body going rigid. “Don’t look so surprised,” she said. “Do you really think kids can be in a house like that, with garbage like that, and never try it? In my case, I got into it sort of innocently. It was E, I’m pretty sure. Which wasn’t their usual drug of choice but...they weren’t that picky.”
She held her hand out, waiting for the soda, looking for a distraction. He handed it to her, the can cold, the tips of his fingers warm. She wanted to hold his hand while she told the story. To take in his warmth. Instead, she clutched the can and let the ice seep through her skin.
If she told it like it wasn’t her, it was easy. And she had told it like that. A few times. For Trey. For some community-outreach programs. Because it was one of those stories that helped people.
Even if it cost her a little bit of herself every time she told it. Because of the hypocrisy. Because of the parts she didn’t tell. But it was a good story, a valuable one. And if she broke herself apart from it, telling it felt like the right thing.
She’s not you. She’s a little girl. A different little girl.
And the girl she’d become? She wouldn’t think about her at all.
“Anyway,” she said, popping the top on the can, “I got ahold of some Ecstasy that was sitting on the bedside table in my parents’ room. I took one pill. Which, being a kid—I was, like, twelve—I was sort of light, and that meant I was, as they say, rolling pretty hard.”
She took a drink and watched Austin’s expression closely. He was blank. Damned lawyer face.
“I saw a lot of weird things. And it kind of freaked me out, but it made me really euphoric, too. My parents lost their minds when they saw me, and that scared me. I couldn’t stop shaking. I was out of control, completely. I probably needed a doctor but that meant taking me to the emergency room, which would have been detrimental to them. They would have lost us. They would have been arrested. So instead...they put me in my room to wait out the high.” She closed her eyes then, reciting some of the stats she used when she spoke to classes. “One pill can last six hours. But comedowns can last even longer. It can take days to feel normal again. For me, it took about three days. And they were the worst days of my life.” She broke from what she told people then. Broke from the script, from anything she’d ever said out loud before. “I was sadder after coming down from that high than I’ve ever been. Sadder than I was when Sarah killed herself. Because...even though it wasn’t the whole time, there were moments during that high when I was happier than I’ve ever been. It’s not a natural feeling. At least it wasn’t for me. I’d never been really happy before. And I achieved it, in drug form. I understood then why they did it. What they were running to when they took all that stuff.”
“But you never took them again?” he asked, his words slow, cautious.
She took a breath, deflected the question. “E was not a good experience for me. You know, as nice as the euphoric feeling was, the comedown was...hideous. And it lasted longer. Plus, I hated understanding them. I hated having an inkling of why they let their children fend for themselves for days at a time. Why they loved a substance more than they loved us. And I hated being out of control. I’ve had so little control in my life that what I could have, I’ve taken with both hands and held on to it as tightly as I could.”
She opened the box of food and starting dishing out noodles, not paying attention to what it was she put on her plate. No, false euphoria wasn’t her thing. Though, if not for the hellish comedown...it might have been.
She liked sleep. She liked to be numb.
She wasn’t going to talk about that.
“Not always,” he said, his eyes meeting hers, heat arching between them.
“Everyone needs a break, I guess.” She looked down at her food and broke the chopsticks in two, taking a scoop of noodles. “Anyway, now you know why I’m not big into altering my mood.” Not anymore at least. There were limits to her honesty. She didn’t owe him her every sordid detail. She didn’t owe it to anyone.
“That’s...awful, Katy. I don’t even really know what to say about it. Sarah...never told us any of this. She never... I never got the impression she’d been into drugs, or around them.”
“I don’t know what her experiences were with
drugs. I don’t think she ever took any. She warned us away from them, but...she was in college by the time that happened to me. Trey never tried anything because I threatened him within an inch of his life and told him I saw a white light and angels the only time I took that garbage.”
“You lied to him.”
“Yes. And I don’t regret it. I did what I had to do. Because I was a kid raising a kid. Basically, a mother bear with a cub in a den full of bear traps.”
“So why did Sarah leave? You never did.”
She took a bite of the food and chewed methodically to avoid answering for a moment. “She believed in education. She thought it would make a long-term change. Something lasting. Yes, she could have stayed. And she could have protected us, but she could never have changed things drastically. Plus, Sarah had the mind to change things. To change the whole world.”
“And you don’t?”
“I’m a waitress, essentially. Well, I was an event coordinator for a few months, but even so, there was a lot of busing tables involved. But that’s what I do. I work. I worked to keep Trey in food and clothes. I worked to keep him safe. I worked my way up to Jason Treffen’s inner circle so that I could be a part of taking the bastard down. Sarah was a thinker. I’m a doer. It was better that I stayed to get things done while she went forward.”
“But she didn’t come back,” he said.
“No. In the end, though, it wasn’t her job. It was their job.”
“Your mom and dad?”
“Yes. And they didn’t do it.” She took a deep breath and stared ahead, not really looking at anything. “They love us. It’s so strange to think about, all things considered, but they do. My mom said to me one time that...that we were the very best of them. The pieces that weren’t ruined.” She swallowed hard. “But he ruined Sarah. And then they wanted to spend the money he gave them on more... I wouldn’t spend it. The money your father gave to my family. I gave them some. I lied and told them that was all and I put the rest in an account and never touched it. I didn’t want money in trade for my sister’s body. Sorry. I make a very poor dinner companion.”
“No. I should know. I feel like I should understand. Because all of this stuff...it explains Sarah. Where she was coming from. Why she didn’t feel like she could leave the job.”
