‘What brutal hand has hurt you so?’ he asked.
‘My own. I did it myself!’ she answered quickly.
‘It is impossible.’
‘I’ll swear I did! He didn’t touch me. I did it to myself in a passion, and threw myself down here. He wasn’t near me. He never laid a hand upon me!’
In the white determination of her face, confronting him with this untruth, he saw enough of the last perversion and distortion of good surviving in that miserable breast, to be stricken with remorse that he had ever come near her.
‘Sorrow, wrong, and trouble!’ he muttered, turning his fearful gaze away. ‘All that connects her with the state from which she has fallen, has those roots! In the name of God, let me go by!’
Afraid to look at her again, afraid to touch her, afraid to think of having sundered the last thread by which she held upon the mercy of Heaven, he gathered his cloak about him, and glided swiftly up the stairs.
Opposite to him, on the landing, was a door, which stood partly open, and which, as he ascended, a man with a candle in his hand, came forward from within to shut. But this man, on seeing him, drew back, with much emotion in his manner, and, as if by a sudden impulse, mentioned his name aloud.
In the surprise of such a recognition there, he stopped, endeavouring to recollect the wan and startled face. He had no time to consider it, for, to his yet greater amazement, old Philip came out of the room, and took him by the hand.
‘Mr Redlaw,’ said the old man, ‘this is like you, this is like you, sir! you have heard of it, and have come after us to render any help you can. Ah, too late, too late!’
Redlaw, with a bewildered look, submitted to be led into the room. A man lay there, on a truckle-bed, and William Swidger stood at the bedside.
‘Too late!’ murmured the old man, looking wistfully into the Chemist’s face; and the tears stole down his cheeks.
‘That’s what I say, father,’ interposed his son in a low voice. ‘That’s where it is exactly. To keep as quiet as ever we can while he’s a dozing, is the only thing to do. You’re right, father!’
Redlaw paused at the bedside, and looked down on the figure that was stretched upon the mattress. It was that of a man, who should have been in the vigour of his life, but on whom it was not likely the sun would ever shine again. The vices of his forty or fifty years’ career had so branded him, that, in comparison with their effects upon his face, the heavy hand of time upon the old man’s face who watched him, had been merciful and beautifying.
‘Who is this?’ asked the Chemist, looking round.
‘My son George, Mr Redlaw,’ said the old man, wringing his hands. ‘My eldest son, George, who was more his mother’s pride than all the rest!’
Redlaw’s eyes wandered from the old man’s grey head, as he laid it down upon the bed, to the person who had recognised him, and who had kept aloof, in the remotest corner of the room. He seemed to be about his own age; and although he knew no such hopelessly decayed and broken man as he appeared to be, there was something in the turn of his figure, as he stood with his back towards him, and now went out at the door, that made him pass his hand uneasily across his brow.
‘William,’ he said in a gloomy whisper, ‘who is that man?’
‘Why you see, sir,’ returned Mr William, ‘that’s what I say, myself. Why should a man ever go and gamble, and the like of that, and let himself down inch by inch till he can’t let himself down any lower!’
‘Has he done so?’ asked Redlaw, glancing after him with the same uneasy action as before.
‘Just exactly that, sir,’ returned William Swidger, ‘as I’m told. He knows a little about medicine, sir, it seems; and having been wayfaring towards London with my unhappy brother that you see here,’ Mr William passed his coat-sleeve across his eyes, ‘and being lodging up stairs for the night – what I say, you see, is that strange companions come together here sometimes – he looked in to attend upon him, and came for us at his request. What a mournful spectacle, sir! But that’s where it is. It’s enough to kill my father!’
Redlaw looked up, at these words, and, recalling where he was and with whom, and the spell he carried with him – which his surprise had obscured – retired a little, hurriedly, debating with himself whether to shun the house that moment, or remain.
Yielding to a certain sullen doggedness, which it seemed to be a part of his condition to struggle with, he argued for remaining.
‘Was it only yesterday,’ he said, ‘when I observed the memory of this old man to be a tissue of sorrow and trouble, and shall I be afraid, tonight, to shake it? Are such remembrances as I can drive away, so precious to this dying man that I need fear for him? No! I’ll stay here.’
But he stayed, in fear and trembling none the less for these words; and, shrouded in his black cloak with his face turned from them, stood away from the bedside, listening to what they said, as if he felt himself a demon in the place.
‘Father!’ murmured the sick man, rallying a little from his stupor.
‘My boy! My son George!’ said old Philip.
‘You spoke, just now, of my being mother’s favourite, long ago. It’s a dreadful thing to think now, of long ago!’
‘No, no, no;’ returned the old man. ‘Think of it. Don’t say it’s dreadful. It’s not dreadful to me, my son.’
‘It cuts you to the heart, father.’ For the old man’s tears were falling on him.
‘Yes, yes,’ said Philip, ‘so it does; but it does me good. It’s a heavy sorrow to think of that time, but it does me good, George. Oh, think of it too, think of it too, and your heart will be softened more and more! Where’s my son William? William, my boy, your mother loved him dearly to the last, and with her latest breath said, ‘Tell him I forgave him, blessed him, and prayed for him.’ Those were her words to me. I have never forgotten them, and I’m eighty-seven!’
‘Father!’ said the man upon the bed, ‘I am dying, I know. I am so far gone, that I can hardly speak, even of what my mind most runs on. Is there any hope for me, beyond this bed?’
‘There is hope,’ returned the old man, ‘for all who are softened and penitent. There is hope for all such. Oh!’ he exclaimed, clasping his hands and looking up, ‘I was thankful, only yesterday, that I could remember this unhappy son, when he was an innocent child. But what a comfort is it, now, to think that even God himself has that remembrance of him!’
Redlaw spread his hands upon his face, and shrunk, like a murderer.
‘Ah!’ feebly moaned the man upon the bed. ‘The waste since then, the waste of life since then!’
‘But he was a child once,’ said the old man. ‘He played with children. Before he lay down on his bed at night, and fell into his guiltless rest, he said his prayers at his poor mother’s knee. I have seen him do it, many a time; and seen her lay his head upon her breast, and kiss him. Sorrowful as it was to her, and me, to think of this, when he went so wrong, and when our hopes and plans for him were all broken, this gave him still a hold upon us, that nothing else could have given. Oh, Father, so much better than the fathers upon earth! Oh, Father, so much more afflicted by the errors of thy children! take this wanderer back! Not as he is, but as he was then, let him cry to thee, as he has so often seemed to cry to us!’
As the old man lifted up his trembling hands, the son, for whom he made the supplication, laid his sinking head against him for support and comfort, as if he were indeed the child of whom he spoke.
When did man ever tremble, as Redlaw trembled, in the silence that ensued! He knew it must come upon them, knew that it was coming fast.
‘My time is very short, my breath is shorter,’ said the sick man, supporting himself on one arm, and with the other groping in the air, ‘and I remember there is something on my mind concerning the man who was here just now. Father and William – wait! – is there really anything in black, out there?’
‘Yes, yes, it is real,’ said his aged father.
‘Is it a man?’
‘What I say myself, George,’ interposed his brother, bending kindly over him. ‘It’s Mr Redlaw.’
‘I thought I had dreamed of him. Ask him to come here.’
The Chemist, whiter than the dying man, appeared before him. Obedient to the motion of his hand, he sat upon the bed.
‘It has been so ripped up, tonight, sir,’ said the sick man, laying his hand upon his heart, with a look in which the mute, imploring agony of his condition was concentrated, ‘by the sight of my poor old father, and the thought of all the trouble I have been the cause of, and all the wrong and sorrow lying at my door, that—’
Was it the extremity to which he had come, or was it the dawning of another change, that made him stop?
‘– that what I can do right, with my mind running on so much, so fast, I’ll try to do. There was another man here. Did you see him?’
Redlaw could not reply by any word; for when he saw that fatal sign he knew so well now, of the wandering hand upon the forehead, his voice died at his lips. But he made some indication of assent.
‘He is penniless, hungry, and destitute. He is completely beaten down, and has no resource at all. Look after him! Lose no time! I know he has it in his mind to kill himself.’
It was working. It was on his face. His face was changing, hardening, deepening in all its shades, and losing all its sorrow.
‘Don’t you remember? Don’t you know him?’ he pursued.
He shut his face out for a moment, with the hand that again wandered over his forehead, and then it lowered on Redlaw, reckless, ruffianly, and callous.
‘Why, d—n you!’ he said, scowling round, ‘what have you been doing to me here! I have lived bold, and I mean to die bold. To the Devil with you!’
And so lay down upon his bed, and put his arms up, over his head and ears, as resolute from that time to keep out all access, and to die in his indifference.
If Redlaw had been struck by lightning, it could not have struck him from the bedside with a more tremendous shock. But the old man, who had left the bed while his son was speaking to him, now returning, avoided it quickly likewise, and with abhorrence.
‘Where’s my boy William?’ said the old man hurriedly. ‘William, come away from here. We’ll go home.’
‘Home, father!’ returned William. ‘Are you going to leave your own son?’
‘Where’s my own son?’ replied the old man.
‘Where? why, there!’
‘That’s no son of mine,’ said Philip, trembling with resentment. ‘No such wretch as that, has any claim on me. My children are pleasant to look at, and they wait upon me, and get my meat and drink ready, and are useful to me. I’ve a right to it! I’m eighty-seven!’
‘You’re old enough to be no older,’ muttered William, looking at him grudgingly, with his hands in his pockets. ‘I don’t know what good you are, myself. We could have a deal more pleasure without you.’
‘My son, Mr Redlaw!’ said the old man. ‘My son, too. The boy talking to me of my son! Why, what has he ever done to give me any pleasure, I should like to know?’
‘I don’t know what you have ever done to give me any pleasure,’ said William, sulkily.
‘Let me think,’ said the old man. ‘For how many Christmas times running, have I sat in my warm place, and never had to come out in the cold night air; and have made good cheer, without being disturbed by any such uncomfortable, wretched sight as him there? Is it twenty, William?’
‘Nigher forty, it seems,’ he muttered. ‘Why, when I look at my father, sir, and come to think of it,’ addressing Redlaw, with an impatience and irritation that were quite new, ‘I’m whipped if I can see anything in him, but a calendar of ever so many years of eating, and drinking, and making himself comfortable, over and over again.’
‘I – I’m eighty-seven,’ said the old man, rambling on, childishly and weakly, ‘and I don’t know as I ever was much put out by anything. I’m not a going to begin now, because of what he calls my son. He’s not my son. I’ve had a power of pleasant times. I recollect once – no, I don’t – no, it’s broken off. It was something about a game of cricket and a friend of mine, but it’s somehow broken off. I wonder who he was – I suppose I liked him? And I wonder what became of him – I suppose he died? But I don’t know. And I don’t care, neither; I don’t care a bit.’
In his drowsy chuckling, and the shaking of his head, he put his hands into his waistcoat-pockets. In one of them he found a bit of holly (left there, probably last night), which he now took out, and looked at.
‘Berries, eh?’ said the old man. ‘Ah! It’s a pity they’re not good to eat. I recollect, when I was a little chap about as high as that, and out a walking with – let me see – who was I out a walking with? – no, I don’t remember how that was. I don’t remember as I ever walked with any one particular, or cared for any one, or any one for me. Berries, eh? There’s good cheer when there’s berries. Well; I ought to have my share of it, and to be waited on, and kept warm and comfortable; for I’m eighty-seven, and a poor old man. I’m eigh-ty-seven. Eigh-ty-seven!’
The drivelling, pitiable manner in which, as he repeated this, he nibbled at the leaves, and spat the morsels out; the cold, uninterested eye with which his youngest son (so changed) regarded him; the determined apathy with which his eldest son lay hardened in his sin; impressed themselves no more on Redlaw’s observation, – for he broke his way from the spot to which his feet seemed to have been fixed, and ran out of the house.
His guide came crawling forth from his place of refuge, and was ready for him before he reached the arches.
‘Back to the woman’s?’ he inquired.
‘Back, quickly!’ answered Redlaw. ‘Stop nowhere on the way!’
For a short distance the boy went on before; but their return was more like a flight than a walk, and it was as much as his bare feet could do, to keep pace with the Chemist’s rapid strides. Shrinking from all who passed, shrouded in his cloak, and keeping it drawn closely about him, as though there were mortal contagion in any fluttering touch of his garments, he made no pause until they reached the door by which they had come out. He unlocked it with his key, went in, accompanied by the boy, and hastened through the dark passages to his own chamber.
The boy watched him as he made the door fast, and withdrew behind the table, when he looked round.
‘Come!’ he said, ‘Don’t you touch me! You’ve not brought me here to take my money away.’
Redlaw threw some more upon the ground. He flung his body on it immediately, as if to hide it from him, lest the sight of it should tempt him to reclaim it; and not until he saw him seated by his lamp, with his face hidden in his hands, began furtively to pick it up. When he had done so, he crept near the fire, and, sitting down in a great chair before it, took from his breast some broken scraps of food, and fell to munching, and to staring at the blaze, and now and then to glancing at his shillings, which he kept clenched up in a bunch, in one hand.
‘And this,’ said Redlaw, gazing on him with increasing repugnance and fear, ‘is the only one companion I have left on earth.’
How long it was before he was aroused from his contemplation of this creature, whom he dreaded so – whether half an hour, or half the night – he knew not. But the stillness of the room was broken by the boy (whom he had seen listening) starting up, and running towards the door.
‘Here’s the woman coming!’ he exclaimed.
The Chemist stopped him on his way, at the moment when she knocked.
‘Let me go to her, will you?’ said the boy.
‘Not now,’ returned the Chemist. ‘Stay here. Nobody must pass in or out of the room, now, Who’s that?’
‘It’s I, sir,’ cried Milly. ‘Pray, sir, let me in!’
‘No! not for the world!’ he said.
‘Mr Redlaw, Mr Redlaw, pray, sir, let me in.’
‘What is the matter?’ he said, holding the boy.
‘The miserable man you saw, is worse, and nothing
I can say will wake him from his terrible infatuation. William’s father has turned childish in a moment. William himself is changed. The shock has been too sudden for him; I cannot understand him; he is not like himself. Oh, Mr Redlaw, pray advise me, help me!’
‘No! No! No!’ he answered.
‘Mr Redlaw! Dear sir! George has been muttering, in his doze, about the man you saw there, who, he fears, will kill himself.’
‘Better he should do it, than come near me!’
‘He says, in his wandering, that you know him; that he was your friend once, long ago; that he is the ruined father of a student here – my mind misgives me, of the young gentleman who has been ill. What is to be done? How is he to be followed? How is he to be saved? Mr Redlaw, pray, oh, pray, advise me! Help me!’
All this time he held the boy, who was half-mad to pass him, and let her in.
‘Phantoms! Punishers of impious thoughts!’ cried Redlaw, gazing round in anguish. ‘Look upon me! From the darkness of my mind, let the glimmering of contrition that I know is there, shine up, and show my misery! In the material world, as I have long taught, nothing can be spared; no step or atom in the wondrous structure could be lost, without a blank being made in the great universe. I know, now, that it is the same with good and evil, happiness and sorrow, in the memories of men. Pity me! Relieve me!’
There was no response, but her ‘Help me, help me, let me in!’ and the boy’s struggling to get to her.
‘Shadow of myself! Spirit of my darker hours!’ cried Redlaw, in distraction. ‘Come back, and haunt me day and night, but take this gift away! Or, if it must still rest with me, deprive me of the dreadful power of giving it to others. Undo what I have done. Leave me benighted, but restore the day to those whom I have cursed. As I have spared this woman from the first, and as I never will go forth again, but will die here, with no hand to tend me, save this creature’s who is proof against me, – hear me!’
The only reply still was, the boy struggling to get to her, while he held him back; and the cry, increasing in its energy, ‘Help! let me in. He was your friend once, how shall he be followed, how shall he be saved? They are all changed, there is no one else to help me, pray, pray, let me in!’
Dickens at Christmas (Vintage Classics) Page 45
