by Monica James
“It’ll be okay, babe, I promise.”
I just wish I believed her.
I’m standing in V’s kitchen, forcing down my third glass of water.
“Do you need to pee yet?” V asks, sitting on her kitchen counter, hopeful I will say yes.
I have been procrastinating for the past twenty minutes, but as I push on my jelly belly, I know it’s time.
“Yes,” I reply nervously, placing my empty glass in the sink.
“Finally!” V exclaims, jumping off the counter and yanking me upstairs before I back out.
We both squeeze into the tiny bathroom and she pulls out all the pregnancy tests, lining them up on the floor. As soon as I see them side by side, I feel my knees go weak. I plonk onto the toilet seat before I faint.
“I can’t do this,” I mumble, rubbing my forehead.
“Yes, you can,” V encourages, but I can hear the slight hitch in her throat. She’s just as apprehensive as I am.
Shaking my head and squeezing my eyes shut, I reply, “No, I can’t. I feel like I’m going to be sick.”
V crouches down in front of me, rubbing my shoulder.
“Yes, you can,” she reiterates confidently.
I bite my lip and open my eyes, looking down at my best friend, who’s on her knees before me. What would I do without her?
V gives my knee a reassuring squeeze while unwrapping the first pregnancy test.
“Okay, this one will show up with two lines if you’re pregnant. How cute,” she says, reading the directions and laughing at the yellow smiley face on the box.
I scoff. “Cute? They should have a picture of a gavel, seeing as if it’s positive, it’s a life sentence.”
V stops reading and looks up at me. “So I take it you don’t want it to be positive?”
Groaning, I clutch my queasy stomach. “I don’t know. I’ve been living in denial, hoping this is all just a bad dream. The thought of being a mom at age twenty-three is not how I envisioned my life.”
V nods, letting me vent because we haven’t spoken about the possibility of me being pregnant.
“But the thought that I could have something growing inside me that is part Jasper, part me, is just surreal. I can’t not want something that is his,” I confess. Saying it out loud scares me, as the reality of my situation sinks in, and hard. “But on the other hand, I’m not ready to be a mom. Oh V, I’m so confused.”
“I don’t think anyone is really ready, Ava,” V answers, chewing on her lip ring.
“I know.” I nod because she’s right.
“C’mon, let’s get this over with.” V thrusts the test stick into my trembling palm, giving me a reassuring smile.
I look down at it, and then back up at her.
“I’m not peeing with you in here,” I say, horrified.
V laughs. “It’s not like I haven’t seen you pee before.”
“I know, but this is different. I’m scared. And nervous,” I admit softly.
V smiles and I instantly feel slightly better.
Reaching for a pregnancy test, she begins unwrapping it and says with a grin, “Here, I’ll do one with you. I can be your pee buddy.”
Rolling my eyes playfully and laughing at her, I reply happily, “Okay,” because the thought of her taking the test gives me a false sense of comfort.
While looking at the back of the box, V smiles when she sees the little pink stalk picture. “These are all so cute,” she says, totally oblivious of my reaction.
Clearing my throat in rebuttal, V quickly recovers with, “Okay, I get it, so not cute. Let me go pee on this in the other bathroom and give you some privacy.”
“Thanks,” I reply, rubbing my sweaty palms on my jeans.
She squeezes my shoulder. “It’ll be okay. Whatever the result, we’ll deal.”
“Thanks, V,” I whisper, on the verge of tears.
She gives me one last supportive look and closes the door quietly, leaving me to face the music. I look at the stick and wonder how a tiny device can be the decider of one’s future. Whatever the result, I can’t change it now. I just have to get this over with.
I follow the directions and once it’s done, I flush the toilet and wait for the results. I have never anticipated any result as much as I have these.
“Ava, can I come in?” V asks softly from outside the door.
Washing my hands, I open the door with my stick in hand. “Sure.”
V holds up her stick proudly. “I peed. Did you?”
“Yes,” I reply, looking at her pregnancy test. “That’s so gross,” I say with a chuckle.
V waves off my embarrassment. “The directions say we have to wait five minutes.”
Being stuck in this tiny bathroom, awaiting my impending doom sounds like a horrible idea. I need to get the hell out of here before I suffocate.
“Let’s go downstairs and wait it out down there. I can’t stay in here.”
V nods, her high ponytail bobbing up and down. “Okay, babe, whatever you want.”
Ripping off a piece of toilet paper, I rest my stick on it, while V does the same.
Linking my arm through hers as we ascend the stairs, I say, “I need a drink.”
“Lead the way,” she replies, squeezing my arm.
What a gal!
V looks up at the clock as I’m casually sipping my second glass of red. “It’s been longer than five minutes.”
“I know, but the results won’t change. So, I’m going to finish off the bottle,” I reply, downing the wine.
“You shouldn’t be drinking. You might have a baby inside of you,” V says softly.
Holy shit, she’s right!
Very ungracefully, I spit out the wine and groan. What kind of mother drowns her Maybe Baby in Merlot?
V leans her hip against the counter, folding her arms over her chest as she witnesses my face drop, because it’s time to face the inevitable.
“You really don’t want it to be positive, do you?” she asks sincerely.
Fiddling with the wine label, I shrug.
“Not really, V. But if it is, I’ll just have to figure it out,” I reply, my eyes downcast.
“Ava, even if it is positive, you’re pregnant with Jasper’s baby, not an alien. It’ll be okay. It’ll be hard at first, but you’ll make it work. You, Jasper, and the baby will be fine.”
I know she’s trying to make me feel better, but every time she uses the word baby, I cringe.
“Please stop saying baby,” I mumble.
V comes up behind me, pushing me out of the chair. “Go,” she says, pointing upstairs.
“Fine,” I sulk, wobbling slightly as I take a step.
“Are you okay?” V asks, steadying me.
“Yup. I guess I shouldn’t have had that second glass. See, I already suck at being a mom,” I say unhappily.
“Don’t say that.” V huffs, bracing both my arms and looking me straight in the eyes. “You’ll be a fantastic mom. Whether that’s now, or in the next five years, you’re going to be the best. Okay?” she says, giving me the slap in the face I needed.
I nod, letting out a deep breath.
“You want me to come with?” she asks.
I shake my head, because as much as I appreciate her support, this is something I need to do alone.
“No, I’ll be okay. I need to do this on my own.”
V nods. “I understand, but if you’re not back in five minutes, I’m coming up.”
Giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, I march my way upstairs and lock the bathroom door behind me. Leaning up against the door, I peer over at my future, almost afraid to look.
My heart is about to burst from my chest as I walk to the sink, taking tiny steps, trying to prolong my journey. I stop a step away and close my eyes.
I can do this. Whatever the result, I can do this.
Taking a deep, calming breath, I slowly open my eyes, and my stomach drops when I see the results.
Holding up the pregnancy test,
I cover my mouth with a trembling hand. As I stare at my future, a single tear rolls down my cheek, burning my flesh in its path.
I slump onto the floor, the cold tiles biting into my bare legs. As I look at the stick once again, I throw it across the room in rage. It hits the wall and skittles under the basin.
“Ava?” I hear V outside the door.
I know she has her ear pressed up against the door, listening for any sounds that might give her some indication of the results.
But I can’t talk. My voice has closed over.
“Ava, open the door,” V says, a little louder this time, while turning the doorknob.
Thankfully I locked it, as I need two minutes to process everything.
“Ava, if you don’t open the door, I will find a way to get in there.” I hear the determination in my friend’s voice and I know she isn’t joking.
“Just give me a minute,” I say, clearing my throat, afraid if I don’t answer her, she’ll hack into the door with a chainsaw.
I blindly reach for the stick, and once I find it under the sink, I toss it into the trash. I slowly get to my feet and do the same with V’s, discarding both tests.
While washing my hands, I splash some cold water onto my cheeks and stare at my reflection in the mirror. I look better than expected, which gives me some hope that maybe I won’t break apart at the seams.
V is knocking incessantly, and I can tell by the frantic sound she’s about to break down the door in about two seconds. I take a calming breath and open it, and V falls forward with her hand poised in the air, mid-knock. I latch onto her arm to stop her from falling and timidly look up at her.
“Well?” she asks, cocking an eyebrow at me.
Once I say it, it’ll mean it’s true and this is really happening. But this is a fate I can’t change, and I need to accept it for what it is.
Looking into my best friend’s bright green eyes, I whisper the two words that will change my life forever.
“I’m pregnant.”
“You’re pregnant?” V asks, shocked.
I nod, staring at her, but not really seeing her.
Wow, I’m pregnant.
Totally thought I’d be carted off in a straightjacket once I announced those words.
But I’m quite calm.
“Are you okay? You look…” V stops, looking at me while making a face. “I don’t know… calm? Why aren’t you crying or cursing or something?”
I shrug, because I don’t know how I feel.
An interesting choice of words V has selected to describe my reaction, because I have a niggling feeling that this is the calm before the storm.
Reality sets in and I gasp, “I’ve gotta tell Jasper.”
Thinking about how I’m going to break the news to him sends me into a panic.
“Are you going to go to the doctor first, you know, to make sure you’re 100%…” V says uncomfortably, not wanting to say the words I fear aloud.
Burying my face into my hands, I try to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to be a mom.
“We haven’t spoken about kids. I don’t even know if he wants them. I don’t even know if I want them.”
“Are you going to keep it?” V asks softly, afraid of how I’m going to react to her question.
Shit, I hadn’t even thought about that being an option.
The big A.
Something I never really thought about, because I never thought I’d need to.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do. All I know is that I need to tell Jasper and hope he doesn’t hate me,” I reply sadly, my hands slipping to my sides.
V looks at me with a confident look in her eyes. “He won’t hate you. I promise he won’t.”
I’m crossing my fingers and toes that she’s right.
This car ride over to Jasper’s has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and believe me, I’ve had to do some tough things.
How does one break the news to their beloved that they are going to be parents? Is there a protocol I am to follow, because right about now, I’ll take any help I can get.
I’m so afraid of Jasper’s reaction, because I honestly have no idea how he’s going to react.
Pulling into his driveway, I notice he has left the porch light on for me. He’s so thoughtful and would make a fantastic parent, unlike I, who thirty minutes ago, was downing a glass of red like it was going out of fashion.
I take a deep breath and look at my reflection in the rear view mirror. My eyes look flighty and my lips are red from gnawing on them the whole trip over here.
Looking out the window, I shake my head at the predicament I find myself in. How the hell am I going to do this? How the hell am I going to tell Jasper that he’s going to be a dad?
I raise my eyes and meet my reflection in the mirror once again. I won’t make the same mistake with Jasper twice. I lied to him once, and it nearly destroyed us. I’ll be damned if I do it again.
Giving myself a reassuring nod, I exit the car and begin my walk of shame. As I climb the three steps, my tongue feels as if it’s stuck to the roof of my mouth.
Taking yet another calming breath, I will my heart to stop beating so rapidly, in fear I am about to have a heart attack.
My hand is poised, ready to knock, when the door opens and Jasper’s breathtaking face greets mine. Right about now, I would usually be throwing myself into his arms and kissing him madly, but now, I am reserved and lower my eyes. My insides are trembling in fear.
I can’t lose him, I just can’t.
“What are you doing standing out here?” Jasper asks softly.
Bravely peering up at him, I see his head is cocked to one side, no doubt taking in my fearful posture, knowing something is up.
“I was about to knock, but you beat me to it,” I reply quietly.
My voice doesn’t sound like mine.
Jasper braces his hand against the doorframe, which stretches his black t-shirt across his chest, highlighting all that yumminess underneath.
“You don’t have to knock, you know. That’s why you’ve got a key.” He smiles, leaning forward, brushing the back of two fingers across my cheek. “What’s the matter? You’re shaking,” he says.
Am I?
Shit, not a good start.
“We need to talk,” I whisper, looking at him from under my lashes.
He lets out a small sigh and steps out of the doorway so I can enter.
Walking over to the sofa, I plonk down onto it, folding my legs underneath me. Jasper takes a seat near me, and I turn to face him. His shoulders are hunched and his breathing is deep, revealing just how apprehensive he is.
With both legs parted, and his hands interlocked between them, he turns his head after a moment of staring straight ahead. His eyes are searching mine as he asks, “Are you going to break up with me?”
The air whooshes out of my lungs. “What? Of course not!” I reply, horrified he would even think that.
“Then what? Why are you acting so weird? Tell me,” he begs, fisting his hair into a mohawk.
I know this is a trait of his when he’s frustrated or nervous.
But I can’t vocalize it as the words are stuck in my throat, just like they were at V’s.
My heart begins beating wildly, and a light sheen of sweat coats my skin. I feel faint and I latch onto Jasper’s forearm for support.
“Ava, please don’t shut me out. I can’t take it. Not again.”
I bite my lip, and the memory of what he’s referring to comes rushing back. I begin thinking about my life without Jasper, and how that life was not one worth living. What if I tell him and he leaves me? What if he gives me my marching orders and refuses to forgive me this time?
But then another though hits me. What if I’m not pregnant?
The car ride over here had me thinking about V’s comment. These tests are not 100% accurate, and there is a still chance, no matter how small, that I may not be pregnant. It’s slim, but it’s possible
. And until I am 100% certain, I can’t be sharing this life changing news with Jasper. Because that’s what this is—life changing.
So instead I settle for another pressing issue I’ve been meaning to talk to him about.
“It’s about your birthday next weekend.”
Jasper frowns. “What about it?” he asks, clearly puzzled with where I’m going with this.
“What are we going to do for it?” I ask quickly, hoping he will buy into the derailment.
Jasper doesn’t answer straight away as he seems to be thinking. “This is what you wanted to talk to me about?”
I shrug. “Yeah.” Not.
He looks at me unbelieving, but he humors me anyway. “I’m not sure. I haven’t even thought about it.”
“Is your mom coming?” I ask in a little voice.
Jasper’s mom hates me.
I know it.
Jasper knows it.
Everyone in a fifty mile radius of us knows it.
She has hated me from the moment she met me. Jasper has tried to tell me otherwise, but I have eyes, and I know she loathes me. She does, however, love Jasper’s ex-squeeze, Indie, as Indie can do no wrong in her book. Well, her book can go to hell, as Indie is the most manipulative, devious person I’ve ever met. The fact that she and Jasper’s mom are BFFs really has me questioning Jasper’s mom’s credibility.
Jasper swears he and his mom have stopped talking to Indie, but I’m inclined to believe his mom is taking her son for a ride.
Plain and simple—I don’t trust her.
And I sure as shit do not trust Indie.
Jasper lets out a large puff of air. “So this is what has been upsetting you? You don’t want to see my mom?”
Well… er, kinda.
But I reply quickly, “Yes.”
Jasper wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his lap. “Don’t ever scare me like that. Holy shit, I thought you were going to break up with me,” he murmurs into my hair.
“Don’t be silly. I’m here to stay,” I reply against his chest.
Little does he know, I will always be a part of his life if the results are positive.
“Good. Don’t worry about my mom, okay? I’ll tell her no birthday celebrations this year. They kinda get lame after ten, anyway,” he jokes, kissing the tip of my nose.
