by Monica James
“Oh okay. You not feeling well?” she asks, stepping out of the kitchen.
She wipes her hands on her strawberry print apron and feels my forehead.
“I’m just tired,” I reply lamely, trying to avoid her knowledgeable eyes.
“Okay, sweetheart.” She nods, but can see the tension around my eyes.
I ascend the first step and halt when my mom says, “Jasper called.”
I close my eyes, biting my lip. “He did?” I ask, with my back turned to her.
“Yes. He said he’s tried your cell, but it’s been switched off.”
I turned it off before I went into the doctor’s office, and haven’t switched it back on.
“He said he’s at the hospital with his mom, and that he’ll call you later on tonight.”
I nod. “Thanks, Mom.” I turn to finish climbing the rest of the stairs.
“Are you sure everything is okay, honey?” my mom asks, as I must resemble someone walking in a death march.
No, I internally reply. It most certainly is not okay.
But instead I reply, “Sure, Mom. Everything is fine.”
Who would have thought a phone could be your worst enemy. I know what I should do, but I just can’t.
Not tonight.
My brain feels fried and my emotions are running haywire. All I want to do is shower and sleep, and deal with the mess that is my life tomorrow.
God knows it’ll be there when I wake up.
I eye the phone, which is sitting harmlessly on the end of the bed. But it may as well be a snake. I toe it off, hearing it fall with a loud thud onto the carpet.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Hunting through the bag I have hanging off the back of my chair, my hands pass over what I’m searching for.
I turn the shower onto hot, and as I wait for the water to warm up, I unwrap the spare pregnancy test I swiped from V’s and do my thing.
Again, I don’t fail to see the irony in the first time I took the test, as opposed to this time around. The first time I was scared, scared that the results would read positive. But now, now I’m scared the results are going to be negative.
I decide some music might cheer me up, so I crank on the stereo and hop into the warm spray of water after I strip. The feeling is bliss, and getting out is not going to be happening any time soon.
As I lather up the soap and begin washing myself, my hands fall to my belly and suddenly, I feel that empty feeling wash over me again.
How could this be? This morning I thought there was a living being inside of me. But now, I just feel barren. How can it be that something I was so uncertain I wanted is something I so desperately crave? Looks like life’s old saying, ‘you want what you can’t have,’ is true.
I left the pregnancy test on the edge of the basin. I wipe down the steam that has collected on the frosted shower glass. I don’t need to see it to know the results, but this will make what I already know to be true all the more real.
The test reveals that I am not pregnant, but I just had to be sure.
If my mood isn’t depressing enough, “My Immortal” by Evanescence comes on, and the tears I have been bravely holding onto, not wanting to crumble in front of V, come cascading down my cheeks. Before long, I don’t know what is water spray from the showerhead, and what are my own tears, as they both mingle together in a wet, slippery mess.
Once the floodgates open, I can’t stop.
I cry for my nonexistent baby.
I cry for V.
I cry for Jasper.
But most importantly, I cry for me.
I don’t know how I’m going to get through this without drowning in my fears.
I slide down the shower wall and crumble into a heap, sobbing on the shower floor.
It’s not until my teeth are chattering and my body is shivering do I realize the water has run cold.
But regardless of the temperature, I feel dead inside.
I can’t put it off any longer.
I switch on my phone and wait.
Taking a deep breath as it finishes doing its thing, I look at the screen and see I have a few texts from Jasper, asking me to call him and asking where I am.
I can’t do it.
I quickly switch it off and hide back under the covers, waiting for sleep to drag me into oblivion.
I wake and know I’m not alone.
“Hey, sleepyhead.”
Opening my eyes, I take in Jasper White lying beside me.
He looks beat, but he still takes my breath away.
“Hi,” I croak. “What time is it?”
I feel the bed shift as Jasper props up on an elbow to look over at the bedside table.
“A little past four,” he replies, shuffling closer to me.
“How’d you get in?” I whisper, staring into his beautiful eyes.
Jasper smirks and it’s the best thing I’ve seen all day.
“I have my ways,” he replies, tapping the end of my nose playfully.
I don’t even question him as I’m just so happy he’s here.
“How’s your mom?” I ask quickly, not wanting to discuss anything else.
Jasper sighs. “Well, she’s alive.”
“That’s a start,” I reply, hoping I sound encouraging.
Jasper nods.
There is a long pause as I wait for him to speak.
“She tried to kill herself by OD’ing,” he admits, closing his eyes tight.
I gasp, as this must bring up some painful memories for Jasper. His mom is no stranger to making prescription drugs her best friend, and it looks like old habits die hard.
“Oh my God. That’s horrible,” I whisper, placing my palm on Jasper’s stubbled cheek.
Jasper nods, reopening his eyes and leans into my palm.
“Sure is. You’d think she’d stay away from that shit after everything. You know,” he says, referring to her addiction to drugs when he was younger. “They pumped her stomach and she’s now in for observation.”
“What do you mean observation?” I ask, confused.
Jasper rolls onto his back, interlacing his hands behind his head while staring up at the ceiling.
“Suicide watch,” he clarifies, spitting out the words.
“What?” I gasp. “She’s still suicidal?” I ask, nearly choking on the words.
Jasper nods, still staring up at the ceiling.
“Jasper, I’m so sorry,” I whisper, snuggling into him.
“It’s okay,” he answers half-heartedly, kissing the top of my head.
“How long is she staying in the hospital?” I ask apprehensively, not sure how comfortable he is talking about this.
“I dunno.” Jasper shrugs and sighs. “Her doc said it all depends on her. She’s not eating, and well, she looks like she wants to raid the medicine cabinet the first minute she’s left alone, so I’m guessing a while.”
“Oh Jasper, this is horrible. I wish I could do something to make you feel better,” I confess, feeling hopeless as I pull back to look at him.
Jasper blames himself for her attempted suicide. I can see it weighing heavily in his guilt-ridden eyes. I know he’s just putting on a brave face for my sake, because deep down, he knows Danielle did this to punish him because he chose me over her.
“Just being here makes me feel better,” he whispers, his fingers grazing my bare shoulder.
I shiver with the contact, wanting to do anything I can to take away his pain.
“Well, in that case, you can stay as long as you like,” I reply, wanting to be his rock.
Jasper half smiles, his left dimple making a welcome appearance.
“Yeah?”
“You bet that hot ass, yes,” I smirk, trying to cheer him up.
Jasper pulls me into his chest and I climb on top of him happily, as I’ve missed him desperately.
We’re laying chest to chest, my heart thumping against his, and deep down, I know I should tell him. But looking into his intense blue eyes,
I open my mouth and choke.
Jasper looks up at me, waiting for me to speak, but I just can’t.
How do I tell him this now?
I can’t tell him when his mom is in the hospital under suicide watch, just waiting for the moment to be alone so she can finish what she started. I just can’t tell him this. Not now. He’s got enough on his plate.
For one more day he can sleep with one less worry.
“Everything okay?” he asks, his warm breath caressing my cheeks.
I nod.
“It is now.” I close the gap between us as I crash my lips to his.
The action takes him by surprise, but surprise is quickly replaced with desire as he stakes his claim on my mouth. I need his clothes off, like now.
I claw at his t-shirt, pulling it up until it bunches underneath me and I can’t go any further. So I sit up quickly and try to pull it off. He half sits, so I’m able to yank it off over his head in lightning fast speed, and then I push him back down, resuming my straddling position.
As I look down into his perfect face, my heart swells. And my love turns to desperation at the thought of losing him. That thought turns me into a reckless woman, and I can’t get close enough to him fast enough.
Before I know it, we’re tearing at each other’s clothes, frantic to be skin to skin.
I’m in my panties, lying beneath Jasper, waiting for his next move.
“I want you so fucking bad,” he whispers, his hand resting on the curve of my hip.
He licks his lips, gazing down at my near naked body. His look of need awakens every part of my soul.
“Then take what you want,” I reply breathlessly.
I’ll give him whatever he needs, because in this moment, we’re both desperate, lost people, clinging to each other for some glimmer of hope, that everything will be okay.
“Don’t say that,” he says, working his way down my body.
He leans up on his knees while hooking his thumbs into the waistband of my panties, eagerly sliding them down my legs, his hand following in hot pursuit.
His eyes devour every single inch of my flesh, and as I shift my legs, needing to do something as I feel vulnerable under his penetrating stare, a soft sigh slips past his lips.
“Beautiful,” he murmurs under his breath, his eyes never leaving my body.
With his heated gaze, I feel like he could burn a hole straight through me, and I love that I can inflame these feelings in him.
“Tell me what you want me to do,” Jasper whispers, his eyes flicking to mine.
His question catches me off guard.
“Um… whatever you want,” I reply breathlessly.
Jasper smirks, covering my body with his. “That’s not what I asked. I want you to tell me.”
Really? He wants to be all kinky, now? Looking into his heated eyes, I know the answer is yes.
“I want you to kiss me,” I say lamely.
“Where?” Jasper asks.
“Here,” I reply, pointing to my neck.
Seriously, he could kiss my eyebrow and I would be squirming for release.
Jasper kisses the tip of my nose before working his way down to my neck. His heavier stubble tickles and I squirm underneath him, as the feel of his wet mouth and tongue, plus rough stubble, is incredible.
As he trails his tongue alongside the length of my neck, I tilt my head backwards so he can get better access. After a few minutes of his mouth finding spots on my neck I never thought could feel erotic, he pulls away.
“Where now?” he asks breathlessly, inches away from my face.
Really? How does he expect me to think after that?
Biting my lip, Jasper’s eyes follow the movement, but he doesn’t budge. He’s waiting for me to give him direction.
I point to my mouth and he swoops down, kissing me until I am panting. His kisses alone are enough of a trigger for me to be embarrassingly winded. But when he explores my mouth with his sinful tongue, I explode.
And that’s when he pulls away.
“Now where?”
Oh my God, he is nothing if not persistent!
Damn my bashfulness.
I point down.
“Where?” he smirks. “Can you be a little more specific?”
He is so going to make me say it!
I quickly point between my legs, and then move my hand away just as quickly.
Jasper chuckles, but thankfully complies as he works his way down my body, kissing me along his journey.
He stops as he reaches my bellybutton, and I am all but pushing down his head, begging him to continue. He gives me a heart-stopping dimpled smile and exhales as he looks up, meeting my eyes. His breath fans out across my stomach, sending goosebumps down my entire body.
“Watch me,” he says deeply, skimming his hands up and down my legs.
“Watch what?” I reply bashfully.
“Watch how much I want you,” he simply replies.
I don’t know what to say as I feel like a total pervert, thrilled at the idea of watching him go down on me.
Jasper gives me a heated look as he lowers himself between my legs. As I raise myself up on my elbows so I can watch him, Jasper smirks, happy that I’ve complied.
“That’s it, baby.”
Giving him a shy smile, he pushes my thighs further apart so I’m spread out wide before him.
“Beautiful,” he whispers once again, before he lowers his mouth onto me.
It takes all my willpower not to throw my head back, or collapse onto the bed, because the feel of him is mind blowing.
Clenching my core muscles, I raise myself higher, watching Jasper’s clever tongue worship my body. The sight of his hands splayed on my thighs, clenching lightly as he increases the speed with his mouth is beyond erotic. Watching his dark hair leisurely bob up and down between my legs, combined with the sight of his broad back muscles, shifting with each movement of his body, is nearly the death of me. But it’s his eyes. When he raises his cerulean eyes, meeting mine, that’s when I come undone.
His pink, wet tongue slips out, caressing me between my aching flesh, and I bite down on my lip with such force, I taste blood.
“Oh fuck,” I groan when he adds a finger to the mix.
But still, my eyes never waver, as the sight before me is the most wicked thing I’ve ever seen.
Jasper knows my body better than I and as he does that thing with his tongue, the feeling shoots through my body and I explode.
After riding my post orgasmic bubble, I watch as Jasper kisses my sensitive flesh one last time. He then shifts and I fall onto my back as he crawls slowly up my body. Leaning down to kiss me, I turn away, embarrassed to taste myself on his lips, but he grips my chin in his fingers and pulls my face to his, kissing me passionately.
He smirks as he pulls away.
“See how good you taste?” he whispers.
I pull a face, as that’s kinda gross, and he chuckles.
“I want in.” He smiles, running his hand between us.
I gasp. “Me too.”
He kisses me, sucking on my bottom lip, while I reach around and slide off his CK boxers.
We are now pressed up against one another, skin to skin, and this act of becoming one is the one singular act you can do with another person which connects you in a way like no other.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“And I you,” he replies, nuzzling my entrance.
“Promise me that whatever happens,” I gasp as he pushes into me softly. “Promise me that you’ll never leave me,” I say on a sigh as he sheathes himself fully into me.
The look he gives while moving slowly into me is picturesque.
“I promise,” he breathes heavily, claiming my body like only he can.
“I promise.”
It’s been about three days since I’ve seen Doctor Hemming. And it’s been about three days since I’ve lied to Jasper.
I can’t find the right time to tell him, as I’m pretty cer
tain there is no right time to tell someone what I have to say.
But with his mom still being under suicide watch and showing no sign of improvement, Jasper has been going through hell. I know this is just a lame ass excuse, but it’s the truth.
This is going to break Jasper’s heart, and I will prolong that from happening for as long as I can, because his heart is already broken, thanks to his mom.
“What’s the matter?” Jasper asks, looking over at me while waiting for the light to turn green.
Oh nothing. Just not looking forward to seeing your mother, I internally say.
But I settle for, “I’m just nervous to see your mom. Last time I saw her, we weren’t really on friendly terms.”
Jasper nods. “I know. But the doctors think it’ll help her recovery, dealing with me and you, and she’s all for the idea,” Jasper replies encouragingly.
Now that I find hard to believe. Danielle is up to something.
I just don’t know what.
“You go in first, tell her I’m here and make sure she’s okay with it,” I say to Jasper, while waiting outside Danielle’s room.
Jasper nods, kissing my lips quickly. “Okay, I’ll see you in a bit.”
Standing out here, looking at my sterile surroundings, I realize that maybe I have been a little hard on Danielle. The nurses are speaking in gentle whispers, coaxing a patient in the next room, whose mouth is shut tighter than a clam, to eat.
Placing a spoon of food in front of his lips, the patient suddenly commences screaming loudly, blocking his ears while rocking backwards and forwards.
Wow.
Jasper ducks his head around the corner. “You’re good to come in,” he says with a small smile.
I take a deep breath, giving the guy in the next room a quick look, hoping that’s not what I’m walking into when I see Danielle.
I follow behind Jasper, who extends his hand. I latch onto it quickly, grateful for the support.
As I enter, I hear the TV sounding softly, almost on mute, obviously just background noise to lull out the beeping machines.
I peer around Jasper and see Danielle propped up against a pillow, remote in hand, staring at the TV with vacant eyes. She looks a little frazzled with crazy hair and a white hospital gown which is two sizes too big, but other than that, she has color in her cheeks and doesn’t look half as bad as the guy next door.
