by Monica James
But I’m different. Something happened last night and I will never be the same.
After Jeremy and Jasper’s reunion, we decided it best to leave Danielle’s house, as we felt we were in the lion’s den. We ended up at Jasper’s house.
At first, it was nothing short of awkward, with uncomfortable silences and strained conversations. But as Jeremy spilled his heart out, Jasper’s wall broke down, and with each confession and apology, they were catching up just how father and son should. I left them mid-conversation, not wanting to interrupt their reunion, and as soon as I got home, I collapsed into a heap and slept like the dead.
Both Jasper and Jeremy know they have a lot to work on, as this is real life, and not some happy fairytale, but they will get there, because that’s what families do.
So, there’s a reason why I’ve woken, and that’s because today is the first day of a new era.
Reaching for my iPhone on my bedside table, I dial a number I never thought I would.
He picks up on the third ring.
“Hello.”
I get the formalities out of the way and get down to business.
“After much consideration… I’ve decided to accept your offer.”
The recipient expresses his delight at my decision, and for once, so do I.
I’m plodding around in my PJ’s and sweater, but no matter how high I crank the heater, I just can’t seem to get warm. I’m quite certain the stress from the past few weeks has finally caught up with me, and my body is going to remind me of it for the next week.
I haven’t spoken to Jasper since yesterday’s drama, as I have wanted to give him time alone with his dad, and also some space.
What happened between us has changed everything, and will forever be a turning point in our relationship.
Whether that’s a positive or negative thing, I have yet to decide.
With my head buried in the pantry, I fail to notice I have company until I turn around and am caught shoving a handful of Skittles into my mouth. I nearly choke, and thump my chest with my fist to help swallow the sugary goodness.
Jasper is sitting in my kitchen, looking like a total sex god, while I have to look twice to make sure I have pants on.
“Hi,” I squeak, swallowing the last of my Skittles.
Jasper is straddling a chair casually, resting his chin on his interlaced arms, which are crossed over the top of the seat. After everything he’s been through, he still looks freakin’ amazing.
“Hi,” he simply replies, his hungry eyes burning a hole straight through me.
I begin tugging nervously at the frayed hem of my sweater, unsure of what to say.
“Come here,” he says, crooking his finger my way.
Meeting his eyes, I take a small step towards him.
As I stand in front of him, the realization of my decision hits home and my knees begin to give out. I plonk onto the seat next to him and he turns his chair, facing me.
We stare at each other for minutes, surrendering to silence, as we both know everything is about to change.
Jasper breaks the silence.
“Thank you.”
Okay, not what I was expecting.
I give him a small smile, but don’t speak.
“What you did for me, I didn’t deserve any of it. You could have let it be, and I would have been none the wiser to what my mom had planned. But you didn’t,” he whispers, his eyes softening.
“I couldn’t,” I reply gently. “No matter what happens between us, Jasper, I will always try and do my best by you.”
And I mean that.
And that’s why I had to make the hardest decision of my life.
Jasper nods and the air is charged with an electrical static I can’t explain.
“I didn’t deserve it, though,” he says, his head drooping sadly.
Reaching out, I cover my hand over his.
“Yes, you do. You deserve everything and much, much more.”
I take a deep breath, because the next thing I’m about to say is going to kill me.
“And that’s why…that’s why we can’t keep doing this,” I whisper.
Jasper’s eyes snap to mine, and I know he knew it would end this way for us.
I don’t need to clarify what ‘this’ is, as he knows it, too.
“Too much has happened between us, and my heart…can’t take it anymore. I need to take a break from life, and the drama. I need a break…because each day, I’m struggling to breathe. We both need to find where we belong, and I think the best way to do that…is on our own. It’s not just the thing with your mom, or Indie, or the… baby. It’s everything. Love shouldn’t be this hard. I know love isn’t perfect, but ours…ours is just destructive,” I confess, wishing what I said was a lie.
I love Jasper, and that’s the problem. I love him too much, and that’s taking over who I am. I know Jasper would never move to New York, but I want to. And this time, I can’t say no. If I were, it would be lying to myself, and in the end, I would resent him for standing in the way of my dreams.
Now that Jasper has Jeremy, I know he’ll be okay. I can do this and we’ll both survive it, because we both need to do this. Not only for each other, but for ourselves. The man I fell in love with, and am still in love with, is a man who has been reborn. Jasper needs to find his path, just how I need to find mine.
Jasper swallows deeply before he answers me. “Where will you go?” he asks.
We both know living in the same state and attempting to stay away from each other will be impossible.
“New York,” I reply. “I got the job at Metropolis.”
Jasper nods, giving me a small smirk. “I knew that you would. How could they say no to you?”
I return his smile. “What about you?” I ask, needing to know he will be okay.
Jasper’s shoulders rise up in a shrug. “I might go stay with Jeremy for a bit. He said I have grandparents and cousins…can you believe that shit?” he says in disbelief.
I give him a small smile, but am on the verge of tears.
“So…when are you leaving?” he asks softly.
“After graduation,” I reply, biting my lip.
Jasper nods, his hair veiling his eyes, but I can still see how hard this is for him.
“So, how do we do this?” he asks, reaching out and stroking the inside of my wrist.
I shiver under his touch.
“I dunno,” I reply, because I really don’t know what the right protocol is when dealing with a situation such as this.
“I’d still like to see you until you leave,” he says, his voice quaking.
I nod, but gnaw my bottom lip miserably. “Me too,” I reply on the verge of tears as I lower my eyes.
“But?” Jasper asks, sensing my lingering doubts.
“But I know how hard it’ll be when we have to say goodbye,” I softly reply, still looking at the floor.
“You want to say goodbye now?” he asks sadly.
Nodding miserably, my heart crumbles.
I know I’m doing the right thing, but it still fucking hurts.
“I wish—” Jasper says, sniffing. “I wish things turned out differently for you and me.” And the tears begin to fall.
“Me too,” I sniff. “But too much has happened, Jasper… I never meant to hurt you, but I just can’t seem to stop. I want you… to move on, okay? I want you to be happy, and I don’t think I’m the person to make that happen for you. Not now, anyway. I need to follow my heart, and right now, it’s telling me to follow this road.”
I can’t control my tears and I doubt they’ll stop anytime soon.
Jasper wipes the tears from my cheeks with the back of his knuckles. “For what it’s worth, knowing you, and being loved by you, has been fucking epic. I’m a better man because of you, Ava. And one day, I hope I’m good enough for you, because you’re it for me. But… you’re right. We need to surrender to ourselves, before we can surrender to each other.”
I barely mana
ge to speak because he’s right. In the end, we have surrendered to one another, but the most important person to surrender to is ourselves. And that’s where the problem lies. In life and love, you have to put yourself first. But me staying in L.A., and Jasper not pursuing who he really is, is not.
“You are good enough, Jasper, you always have been,” I whisper.
Jasper places his palm on my cheek and I lean into it, memorizing his final touch.
“I need to believe that, though, Ava. And that’s why I’m letting you go. Maybe if we met at a different time, different place, different life, we’d work, but now… we just don’t. But you’ll always be in here.” He sadly smiles, placing his hand over his heart. “No one can ever remove you from here.”
I sob so hard I find it hard to breathe. Why am I doing this? Why am I leaving the best thing that has ever happened to me?
The answer is simple: We both need to find who we are.
Sometimes love makes sense, but most times, it doesn’t. And this is one of those times. It may not make sense for me to leave Jasper, but it feels right.
Jasper is out of his seat, hugging me into his warm chest. A chest I have cried into endless times. A chest I don’t know if I’ll cry into ever again.
The next few days pass in a daze.
I tell my parents of my decision to move to New York, and they’re incredibly supportive, even though they’ll miss me horribly.
V’s reaction was surprisingly not as scary as I thought it would be. She was happy, but burst into tears when I told her I would be leaving after graduation, which is about a month away.
I ghost around for the next month, and am functioning on auto-pilot. I finish up all my classes and lose myself in studying for exams, which have helped me stop thinking about my decision. Even though I have accepted my decision, it doesn’t make it any easier to breathe.
I have cried myself to sleep every night, and somehow, I don’t think that’ll stop this century.
Jasper has respected my decision and not contacted me, as it would be too hard hearing his voice, or seeing those cerulean eyes I long to look into. But I’ve made my decision and I have to live with it, because funnily enough, as much as it hurts to be without Jasper, it hurts more to not put myself first. And that’s what I have done, even if all I feel is this cruel wanting, I have to do this.
Like I promised myself months and months ago, the next person I am going to be in a relationship with is me.
And this time, I mean it.
“I can’t believe you’re leaving tomorrow!” V sniffs, wiping her eyes as we hit the pavement.
“Can you stop with the crying already?” I try and joke, but it just sounds lame, as I’m about to join her in five seconds.
Today I graduated, and at the moment, so many feelings and sensations are running through my body. I don’t know how to make sense of them all.
So, the only thing that makes a lick of sense is getting wasted. Short term, but it’ll do for now.
We’re walking down the familiar streets, and a hint of nostalgia hits me. I’m really going to miss L.A. She has been a bitch to deal with at times, but was it all worth it?
Fuck yes!
I can see the flashing neon sign, announcing we have arrived at Little Sisters, and my heart slightly plummets. I’m really going to miss this place. This place holds so many wonderful memories, and those memories consist of a man I will miss most of all.
As we are about to enter, I hesitate, as I’m afraid those wonderful memories will turn into big, fat, ugly tears.
V senses my apprehension and tugs on my arm. “It’s okay, P.O.E aren’t playing tonight. Scout’s honor,” she says, holding up her fingers.
I know they aren’t because today is Tuesday, and Jasper works at the shelter most weeknights.
Stalker much?
We enter and my eyes scan the area that has been my second home. I wonder if I’ll find something as homely as this in New York.
As I take in the scuffed dance floor, the thirsty patrons bopping away, waiting in line for their drinks, and the scantily-dressed waitresses, zipping around in clothes that still make me blush, I know the answer is no. Los Angeles will always be my home, but I’m leaving because my home has caused me nothing but grief.
“Okay, enough with the moping,” V says, tugging me towards the bar. “Time to get you nice and drunk.”
I couldn’t agree more.
After way too many cocktails, I’m beginning to see double.
“V,” I slur. “I really need to go home. My plane leaves early and I need to get at least one hour of sleep.”
V chuckles and waves me off. “Don’t be such a party pooper. You can sleep all you want when you move a zillion miles away from your best friend.”
I give her a sheepish look and suddenly, I feel tears spring to my eyes. “I’m really going to miss you,” I say. “After everything we’ve been through. I just… I really love you, V.”
V bites her lip and tears begin falling down her rosy cheeks.
“Am I doing the right thing?” I ask.
V wipes away her tears and smiles. “Who knows, Ava? But if you aren’t, you can always come back. This will always be your home. And I’ll always be here, welcoming you back with open arms.”
Her words are exactly what I needed to hear, as I know I just have cold feet.
“I must admit, it’ll be good to not have to deal with your drama,” she jokes, bumping me with her shoulder.
I let out a sniff mixed with a laugh, because it’s true. V has been with me every step of the way, and it saddens me that she won’t be with me to share the highs and lows of my new life.
But I brush those thoughts aside as a piano is being pushed out on stage by security. I sit up from my barstool, looking at the beautiful black piano which is sitting center stage, gleaming under the dim lights.
“I didn’t realize anyone was playing tonight,” I say, sipping on my drink.
V doesn’t answer me, and when I look at her, she’s doing everything not to look at me. Oh no, I know that look.
“What?” I ask, raising my eyebrows.
V sips her mocktail and begins whistling, looking over her shoulder guiltily.
“Veronica!” I say, trying to catch her gaze, but she is avoiding me like the plague.
“What are you up to now?” I ask, knowing that she indeed has one final scam up her sleeve.
“This better be good,” I mumble, downing my drink in one hit, as I have a feeling I’ll need it.
V turns her attention back to me and half smiles.
Oh, great.
The lights dim and I sit up higher, craning my neck to see over the heads of the patrons in front of me.
Nothing happens for a while, and I feel I may have overreacted.
But as I see a familiar form stroll out onto the stage, a whirlwind of longing hits me so hard, I have to hold onto the seat for support.
Jasper.
V whispers in my ear, “I said P.O.E weren’t playing, and technically, they aren’t.”
Under normal circumstances, I would be scolding her for being a meddlesome pain in my ass. But now, now I can’t seem to move. And that’s because, staring at the man I love with every fiber of my being is all that matters.
He takes a seat at the piano and rests his long, elegant fingers on the keys. But he doesn’t play. He just sits there, his head bowed, deep in thought.
He remains this way for minutes, and the world around me doesn’t exist, but he breaks my stupor when he finally begins playing.
And when he does, I know nothing will ever be the same.
The song he has chosen is “When I Was Your Man” by Bruno Mars. And as soon as the first word leaves his beautiful lips, the floodgates open.
He looks so beautiful up on stage. It’s so simple—just him and a piano. But there’s nothing simple about this situation.
As my tears begin clouding my vision, I can no longer see him. But I don’t need to se
e him, because his words are telling me he feels it, too. He feels this desperate longing to be together, but he knows why we need to do this. And that’s because this is the right thing to do.
As he sings about me dancing with another man, I know my other man is New York. He wants me to be happy, to move on, and do this for myself. It may be too late for us, but the happy memories of our journey together is what will get us through. We have both made mistakes in our relationship, and this is his way to let me know it’s okay to let go.
I can’t stop crying and V pulls me into her familiar arms, crying with me.
I sob and sob, my heart breaking with each word he sings, because this is our real goodbye. This is it for us.
His voice quivers when he sings his apology, but he composes himself quickly. A small smile tugs at his lips when he sings about how much I love to dance. No doubt, he’s remembering all the times he caught me shuffling around clumsily.
The last verse of the song breaks my heart, because once it’s over, then this is it.
This is really it.
But I don’t want to say goodbye, I never will.
So I jump up, shouldering past people, and I thankfully reach the exit before I hyperventilate. Once outside, I take a deep breath but it doesn’t help.
Nothing will.
So much has happened during the course of our relationship, when will it stop? Our desperate love for one another has unintentionally destroyed the purity of it, and now there’s nothing left but pain.
And this is why I have to leave.
“Hey,” a voice softly says behind me.
I close my eyes, but that doesn’t stop the tears.
I can hear his heavy footsteps echo on the footpath behind me, but I don’t have the nerve to turn around to face him. I know if I do, I won’t leave him.
He’s flush against my back, his fingertips brushing my hair to one side. I shiver as the cool wind passes over my bare shoulder, but that shiver turns to desire when I feel his warm breath on my neck.
“Just listen,” he whispers.
I couldn’t speak, even if I wanted to.
“You believed in me, in our love… but I am broken. I promise you, I will come back to you when I heal. Whether it’s in this lifetime, or the next, I promise you, it’ll never be the end for us. One day we won’t feel this pain anymore, and when that day comes… it’ll be our day. Go be happy. Go live your life, and go find someone who will give you everything I can’t. You be free, baby, like you told me, you fly away and never land until you want to. And I swear to you, if you still want me when you’ve done everything you’ve wanted to do, you come and find me, because I promise… I’ll be waiting. Like I said to you once before, if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it was never meant to be… you go and be free, Ava.”
