by Amber Garza
Panic blooms in my chest, opening slowly and choking me. I step backward. “See. That’s what I’m talking about. I can’t do this. It feels like the same thing my parents are doing to me. Like what I can give you isn’t good enough. Like I’m never good enough.” I spin around, desperation surfacing and clouding my vision. Grabbing my purse and jacket I race to the door. “I think I just need some time to process this. Please. Just give me time.”
“I’m not giving up on you, beautiful,” he says the minute my fist closes around the doorknob.
“Good. I don’t want you to,” I say honestly before flinging the door open and hurrying out of the apartment.
20
Ryker
I haven’t heard from Lola since the night she stormed out of my apartment. At first I thought she’d call or text when she cooled down. Honestly, I didn’t think she was serious when she said she needed space. Her usual MO is that she explodes, but once she simmers down she comes around. I guess this time it’s different. Perhaps this time I pushed her a little too far.
“You’re the only guy I know who pushes away a girl by trying to force her into a commitment,” Pierce mutters. He’s standing over the kitchen counter eating a cold piece of pizza from last night.
“When you meet the right girl you just know it.”
“Shoulda just let her be. I mean, do you really want to meet her stuffy parents?” Pierce cringes. “Sounds like a total drag.”
I groan from where I sit on the couch. “It’s a matter of principle.”
“If you ask me, you’re just making this more complicated than it needs to be.” Pierce spews bits of crust out of his mouth as he speaks. “I think Fiona really screwed you up.”
“Yeah, and I’m going to take advice from you because you’re such a ladies’ man.”
“Hey, just because I’m not all sucked into a relationship like you and Beckett doesn’t mean I don’t have chicks interested in me.” Pierce rolls his shoulders. “In fact, Jimmy and I are going out with a couple tonight.”
I sit up, resting my chin on the couch cushion. “Really? You two have dates?”
Pierce sets his half eaten piece of pizza down, wiping his chin. Only he completely misses the red sauce around his lip. “Not exactly. Some girls invited us to a club tonight. We met them at the show last weekend.” He raises an eyebrow. “Wanna come?”
“No. I shouldn’t.”
“She broke it off with you, man. She hasn’t called you in a week, and now she’s back home probably hanging out with that doctor.”
I bristle at his words. “He’s not a doctor. He’s just in school to be one.”
“Whatever.”
“And she didn’t break it off with me,” I continue as if I just can’t leave it alone. “She just said she needed some space.”
“Which is code for breaking it off.”
“Oh, just shut up, Pierce.” I groan and slide down on the couch. Staring up at the ceiling I throw my arm over my face. I refuse to believe his words. There is no way it’s over between Lola and I. She was not breaking it off. She just needs time to process everything. Isn’t that what she said? I desperately need to believe that’s the truth and that she’ll come back to me soon.
“Sorry, man. I’m just keeping it real.” His voice is muffled as he speaks with a mouthful of food. I often wonder if Pierce’s parents ever taught him manners or if he just forgot them when we moved in together. “If you change your mind about going out tonight, let me know. It could be fun. I mean, it’s not like you have to meet a girl. You could just listen to the music and hang out. At least it would get your mind off of Lola for the night.”
When he puts it that way it doesn’t sound like a bad plan.
In the end it’s Lola who makes the decision for me. When Pierce tells me which club he and Jimmy are going to, I’m reminded that it’s the same club I took Lola on our first date. The memory swallows me and my heart hurts as if someone is stabbing it repeatedly. I miss Lola so much I’m not sure I can survive it much longer. Even though we’ve joked about her being my addiction, the truth is that I think she kind of is.
I’ve been waiting for Lola to come to me, but perhaps she’s waiting for the same thing. In the months that Lola and I have been dating, I’ve realized that she’s not as tough as she comes across. Also, she’s sort of stubborn. And she’s not one to admit when she’s wrong. All of these things might irritate another guy, but I find them endearing. It also makes me wonder if she’s just sticking to her guns out of obligation. If that’s the case, I’m sure she’ll be happy to hear from me.
My mind flies back to our conversation when she returned from Christmas. She admitted that she missed me when she was home. In fact, she said that she missed me so bad it scared her. I know it’s difficult for her when she’s with her family. Maybe I should just call her to let her know I’m thinking of her. Perhaps I should let her know that I’m here for her, no matter what that looks like.
I remember her saying that I was acting like what she could give me wasn’t enough. Maybe it’s as simple as me letting her know that it is enough. That I realize I was wrong in pushing her to do something she wasn’t ready to do.
Knowing what I have to do, I snatch up my phone. I’m still lying on the couch. It’s already afternoon and I’ve hardly moved all day. I’m still in my boxers, and I stink. After my phone call I’ll finally take a shower and get dressed. The phone rings and rings, the sound taunting me. When her voicemail clicks on, I grunt and shut the phone off. I try not to picture Lola with that pre-med guy, but I can’t help it.
Deciding to give her one more chance, I shoot her off a text. Just thinking about u. Hope ur trip is going well. I stare at the screen, my fingers still touching it. After a few seconds, I add: Miss u.
I don’t want to sit here and stare at my phone, so I leave it on the coffee table and push myself off the couch. After heading down the hallway, I slip into the bathroom to shower. Once I’m cleaned and dressed, I emerge from my room to find Pierce and Jimmy in the family room. They’re both wearing jeans, tight shirts, boots, and smell like cologne.
“You guys all ready for your night out?” I smile, sinking down on the couch.
“Yeah. You coming?” Pierce asks, running a hand through his long hair.
“I don’t know, man.” I reach for my phone, and turn it on. No texts. My heart sinks.
“C’mon.” Jimmy lowers down until he’s perched on the armrest of the couch. His hair hangs limply down to his shoulders. “Let’s go have some fun. It’s been so long since we all hung out.”
Jimmy’s right. I’ve been so wrapped up in Lola, I haven’t had a guys’ night out in forever. I glance down again at my phone. Besides, I’m not even sure where I stand with Lola anymore. So why should I stay holed up in my apartment all night? For all I know she could be out with friends right now. Or worse. She could be out with that pre-med guy.
“Okay. Just give me a minute to change,” I say.
“Cool, man.” Pierce nods his head as I walk swiftly back to my room.
It only takes me a few minutes to change into a pair of jeans and a shirt. Afterward I go into the restroom and style my hair with some gel. With one quick glance in the mirror, I head out into the family room. I slip on my leather jacket, grab my wallet and keys, and then follow Jimmy and Pierce out of the apartment.
The minute we pull into the parking lot of the club I start to have second thoughts. Everything about this place triggers thoughts of Lola. Memories of our first date linger in the air, a million bittersweet reminders. What I wouldn’t give to hold her in my arms right now, to feel her body pressed to mine, to kiss her, to touch her, to hear her laugh. I shake my head, forcing away all the depressing thoughts.
“You okay, man?” Pierce eyes me as we walk through the parking lot, our boots shuffling on the concrete. The sky is dark around us, the air cold.
“Yeah. Fine.”
“You just need a drink.” Jimmy clamps me on the s
houlder.
I nod, thinking that a drink is exactly what I need. Maybe it’s time to trade in my red lipstick addiction for something stronger. Especially since I’m not sure I’ll ever have another fix of the former.
The club is loud and filled with people just like it was the night Lola and I came here. A screech from the electric guitar on stage fills the air, and Pierce raises his brows in appreciation. He nudges my shoulder, and I smile. The drummer’s pulsing beat dances under our feet. A couple of blond girls in short, tight dresses bound over in our direction.
“You made it,” One of them says in a high voice, reminding me of Minnie Mouse. She leans into Jimmy, running a fake nail through his shaggy hair.
“You know it.” Jimmy smiles.
The other girl latches on to Pierce’s arm. She appears shier than the Minnie Mouse girl, but the way she peers up at Pierce in awe tells me she likes him. It makes my stomach twist with longing for Lola. I push past Pierce and Jimmy and the blond girls to get to the bar. Leaning over the bar, I flag down the bartender and order a beer. Then on second thought I order a shot of tequila as well. If I’m going to have to be the fifth wheel tonight, I might as well enjoy myself. Besides, I’m not driving. Pierce sidles up next to me, ordering two martinis, which I assume are for the girls, a beer for himself and a soda for Jimmy, since he’s our driver.
The minute the bartender slides the shot in front of me, I down it. The liquid burns my throat as it slides down. Reaching for my beer, I pick it up and press it to my lips. I tip my head back allowing the cold beer to chase away the burn of the tequila. Then I move away from the bar, cold glass in hand. Pierce and Jimmy are already dancing with the girls in the center of the dance floor. I picture Lola’s sensual dance moves and the familiar emptiness fills me. Only this time it angers me. Why should I be feeling this way? Why should I allow her to have this kind of power over me? I mean, I did nothing wrong. I gave my heart to that girl. I told her I loved her. I lavished her with attention. Hell, I even helped her clean up puke and comforted her in my bathroom after I found out about her issue. I’ve put up with her hot and cold behavior. Is it so wrong for me to want some kind of commitment from her? Most girls would count their lucky stars to have a guy who is committed to them the way I am to Lola. What is her problem?
My head is a little fuzzy now, so I lean against a barstool and sip my beer, while trying to clear thoughts of Lola from my mind. As if in answer to my internal thoughts, a pretty brunette materializes in front of me.
“Hey, aren’t you the electric guitar player from Beckett?” The girl asks.
“Yeah, I am.” Surprise is evident in my voice.
“I’ve seen you guys play dozens of times.”
“Really?” I push off the barstool and step closer to the girl.
“Yeah.” Her cheeks flush. “And every time I just can’t take my eyes off of you.”
This is new. A fan of ours who is not in love with Beckett. Imagine that. “I’m Ryker.” I jut out a hand, a little flustered from her bold statement.
“Anna.” It’s such a sweet, innocent name I’m momentarily taken aback. She’s certainly different from Lola.
It makes me wonder just how much more different she is from Lola. “Do you like Fatal Seduction?”
“Of course.” She grins, her caramel colored eyes sparkling under the dim lights. “They’re only the greatest rock band of our time.”
I smile. Something about her answer gives me satisfaction. It’s like I needed to know that. I study her face, the pert nose and plump lips. She’s not as pretty as Lola, but she’s cute. And she likes rock music. Not only that, but she wants to be here with me. In fact, she came to me. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“I’d love that,” she says, as if she had just been waiting for me to ask. “Lemon drop, please.”
When I turn toward the bar to order her drink, warning bells go off in my head. I suddenly feel like this is a huge mistake; like the smart thing for me to do is to leave right now before I make a mistake. But when I turn back to Anna, her face lights up in a way that tells me there is no place this girl would rather be than here with me. It makes my insides warm, and I realize it’s exactly what I need right now. My ego has been in tatters lately. A pick me up is just what the doctor ordered. And I have a feeling this is the girl to give me that.
I don’t intend to do anything other than enjoy Anna’s company and the attention she readily gives me. We’ll have a few drinks, maybe dance to a song or two and that’s it. Lola will never have to know. It’ll just help me blow off some steam, enjoy myself a little. It’s not like I’d ever choose this sweet girl over Lola, but let’s face it, Lola’s not here right now. From her very clear signals, she’s made it clear that she doesn’t even want to be here with me right now.
I do another shot of tequila as Anna sips her lemon drop. Sugar coats her lips from the rim of the glass. She darts her pink tongue out and runs them along her lips until all the sugar is off. It’s sensual and I swallow thickly, picking up the full beer the bartender just slid in my direction.
“Wanna dance?” Anna asks after finishing off her drink. She sets the empty glass on the counter.
I down the rest of my beer and stand up off the barstool. The room sways a little around me, but I steady myself. Grabbing Anna’s hand, I thread my fingers through hers and guide her to the dance floor. When we find an empty space, she wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me to her. I’m startled by her sudden fierceness. Clearly the drink loosened her up a little. She nestles into my chest, sighing. Despite my best efforts to stay calm, my heart flips in my chest. Her hair smells like apples. Temptation. Fitting, really.
My head swims and my body moves slowly as if I’m under water. How many shots did I have? I grip tightly to Anna’s waist in an effort to stay upright. Anna lifts her head and peers up at me. Her lips shine under the lights. Pushing up on her heels, she angles her face toward mine. I know I should turn away, but I just can’t. Her lips are nearing mine, and yet I make no effort to stop it. Not only that, but I want it. I want to feel her mouth on mine. I want to slip my tongue in her mouth, bury my fingers in her hair. I want her to erase the ache in my chest. I want her to make me forget about Lola just for a moment.
When our mouths collide, I slip my hands up into her hair. I slide my tongue into her mouth and kiss her hungrily, desperately. It’s like she’s my lifeline, my last hope. Only it doesn’t work. No matter how hard I kiss her, no matter how much I try, I can’t forget Lola. And when we part, I only miss her more. It’s not lipstick I’m addicted to. And it’s not attention I want. It’s Lola I’m addicted to, and only attention from her will give me relief. I look into Anna’s eyes feeling like the biggest jerk on the planet. Not only have I led on this sweet girl, but I betrayed the girl I love more than life itself. What was I thinking?
I groan, running a hand over my head. “I’m sorry,” I say to a stunned Anna. Shoving away from her, I push my way through the sea of gyrating bodies. Not until I’m outside in the cold night air do I allow myself to breathe. I suck in big, heaving gulps while cursing myself for being such an idiot.
Just then my cell buzzes in my pocket. I snatch it out and read the text.
I miss u 2. It’s agony without u. I’m so sorry. I’ll make it up to u. Promise.
My heart stops. I re-read the text again as shame washes over me. What have I done?
21
Lola
“I can’t believe you finally stood up to your parents about Ryker. I wish I could’ve been there to see their faces.” Star and I move forward in line at the Starbucks in the airport. My eyelids droop a bit. I sniff, catching a whiff of espresso beans, and that alone perks me up a little. I’m in need of a coffee fix, bad. Just thinking this causes a smile to break out on my face. It reminds me of Ryker and his red lipstick addiction. I plan to coat my lips in it before heading to his apartment the minute we get back to Seattle. I’ve missed him so much this past week. I feel like
I can hardly go another minute.
“Well, it wasn’t exactly pretty,” I respond, remembering how angry both of them were. Camille was the only one who seemed happy about it, but I think that’s just because the more mad my parents are at me, the more pleased they are with her. She’ll probably get a whole new wardrobe out of this. “They were so upset when I told them that I’d fallen in love with a struggling musician and that I had no intention of hanging out with Nolan. Ever. I thought Dad was going to kill me. Worse yet, I was afraid they were going to cut me off. Then how would I be able to stay in Seattle?”
“Oh, I don’t think they’ll do that, Lola.” Star links arms with me as we walk forward. “From what you told me, I think they’re kind of afraid of pushing you away any more than they already have.”
I nod, biting my lip. I hope she’s right. Regardless, I feel lighter. I feel like I’ve finally done the right thing. Glancing outside of the coffee shop, I spot Beckett standing near our luggage waiting on us. My heart flutters in my chest. When I head home for Spring Break it will be Ryker out there. I’ve already told my parents I’m bringing him with me. It’s time that they met him. I can’t promise him that I’ll marry him, but I do know that I can picture a future with him. I can honestly tell him that I want to be committed to him and that I’m open to the prospect of us being together forever. This week away from him was torture for me, and it became painfully obvious that I don’t want to be without him. Not only that, but I realized that I’m stronger than I thought I was. And I have Ryker to thank for that. He’s made me stronger. His belief in me and love for me has buoyed me somehow.
As I head toward the counter to order, I recall the last text he sent me. U have nothing to make up 4. I love u and miss u 2. So much.
I can’t believe it took me so long to fully give my heart to Ryker. He’s the most honest and trustworthy guy I’ve ever met. If anyone deserves my heart, it’s him. And I can’t wait until this afternoon to fully surrender it.
