Rainy Days

by A. S. Kelly

  Table of Contents

  “Head trauma and amnesia and—the fact that she has removed part of her past means that after two years the doctors think it’s impossible that it will come back to her now.”

  It’s Friday night, and like every weekend in a little while people will be out spending every last cent of their salary. I glance at my watch and realize that it’s already 2.00 p.m. and I’m running late for opening. I grab my takeaway coffee cup, put the book I was reading in my bag, and hurry out of the coffee house.

  You see I started doing this three months ago, when I first set foot back in Ireland. I know all of her habits, her schedule, her favorite places. I know what time she starts work and what time she gets off. I know when her break is, what she eats and how she prefers her coffee. I even know the title of the book she’s reading and I went out and got myself a copy.

  I smile at him because it’s not necessary for me to respond. Then I get started setting the chairs up around the tables before sitting down on a bar stool behind the counter, and pulling out a book I’ve been working on before the first customers show up.

  They told me that two years ago I was able to read a whole book in a single night, but now that seems entirely impossible. I’m slow and I have a hard time concentrating on the words. I frequently have to go back and read the same passage at least two or three times before my mind really understands its significance. I don’t get downhearted about it, I just go on with my reading. Every day I am regaled with a new life where I can immerse myself, lose myself or find a part of myself, a part that was lost a long, long time ago.

  By way of answering, he comes close to me, takes the book out of my hands. He looks at the title, his mouth makes a frown and his brow furls. I know what he’s thinking. I’ve been reading the same book for at least two weeks.

  I grab my book and slam it shut and put it away under the counter. I get up and go in back, with the excuse that I have to tally up the bar. I close the door and lean up against it and then slide down to the floor.

  Before I’m able to cross, someone grabs my shoulder, forcing me to turn around abruptly. Afraid and paralyzed, I let myself be squeezed, tightly, so tightly that I feel some cracking of my bones in his arms, but I don’t care. I could break in two, falling to the ground like a sack of broken bones, and I wouldn’t care at all, because now I feel his heat, through his sweatshirt, through my jacket, through my skin, my bones and my organs. His heat arrives everywhere, it brushes against every part of me, even the most hidden part. It wraps me up in it, it relaxes me and reassures me. I rest my head on his shoulder and feel his heart beating like crazy just like mine. I can hardly believe it.

  He needs to be part of something.

  He needs to be a part of me.

  Rain is splendid, more so than I remembered. It’s true, she’s not the same person, but what does that matter? People change continuously, it’s part of the growing process. You have to accept that she’s different, of course, but that doesn’t mean I could ever love her any less.

  “That’s his sister,” Neil told me. “Isn’t she beautiful?” His eyes were as transparent as his soul. He was always as open as a book with me, my family, everyone. It didn’t take long at all for him to win her over, he knew how to do it, I have to admit. He was sweet, attentive, affectionate. He wasn’t interested in other women, there was only one he wanted, for himself, forever. He had clear ideas right away.

  “I don’t want to go home,” I say out of the blue without over-thinking it—because that’s what I feel in this moment. I don’t want to go away from him. I want to continue to feel like this, part of something.

  Part of him.

  I’m afraid she’s going to tell him the truth and that Neil will hate me for the rest of his life, that the band will fall apart and our lives will be in a million pieces.

  I put aside my pain, I put aside the family, I put apart myself.

  I smile while I read my notes about him. Liam is part of me. He came in like the rain and continues to be present, giving me something I never thought possible for me. Liam is part of my life, and he has been since the first time I met him, from the first time he held me in his strong, sure arms, saving me from a moving motorcycle. And every day he continues to be my savior. To save me, even if he doesn’t realize it.

  Rain said Neil’s name. We don’t know what else she may have remembered. She’s closed up in herself, wracked with confusion and aware that she’s been intentionally kept in the dark about part of her life.

  “She’s one of a kind, Aaron. She is infinitely sweet, sensitive—she has an immense heart and I would have done anything to have had even a little part of it. I remember her with those kids at school during the shows where she made everyone participate.”

  “Do you really think I didn’t realize, or that the others didn’t notice? Your love for her was everywhere. It was in your hands when you angrily struck your chords. It was in your eyes when she came into the basement to bring us something to drink and you, like an idiot, couldn’t stop looking at her. It was in all of the pints you downed in ten years trying to forget and drown your feelings. It was in every stupid, fucking, long, sad ‘brotherly’ hug you gave her—it was in every single part of you.”

  And Liam—he’s just come into my life, I’m not ready to lose him. Not now, not yet. My biggest fear is though, that I never will be sure of him, because even though I’ve only known him for a short while and things are complicated, I know that he’s a part of something marvelous, a part of me and my world, my nothingness which transformed into everything since he’s been with me.

  I feel everything. I feel him on my skin and in my heart, as if it had always been there, as if it were something that has always been a part of me.

  I hear his words that reassure me, that tell me I’ll never be alone, because I’m part of the family, his family.

  Liam is part of me, not from today, not for a month and not since our first meeting.

  Liam has been part of my life, and even if I don’t know exactly for how long, I feel it, his constant presence, impressed on my heart, even if my mind isn’t able to connect all of the events, actions, situations.

  Liam falls asleep at dawn, our bodies entwined, our legs braided together, my head on his chest. And as I slide from his embrace and his love, I know that whatever happens he will always be a part of me.

  He will always be a part of me.

  The fact is that music is part of me and my life, but I’m not sure if it is in this sense. I wasn’t made for the stage, I’m not made for the public and managers and contracts. I’d just like to play with the guys like we used to, just for an hour to ward off the sensation that there was no reason to stay here.

  “I’d like to be a part of everything. I’d like to be part of the family.”

  Copyright © 2017 A. S. Kelly

  Translation by Kathleen Fitzgerald

  Rainy Days

  A. S. Kelly

  English Edition

  Literary and artistic property reserved.

  All rights reserved. Unauthorised reproduction prohibited.

  This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and storyline are the fruit of the author’s imagination or are used in a fictional sense. Any similarity to facts, places or people living or deceased is purely coincidental.

  A. S. KELLY

  RAINY

  DAYS

  Four Days Series #1

  To all of those who

  have lost their way home.

  The book

  Tormented rock star Liam O’Reilly left Dublin and achieved success, hoping to build a new life, free from the demons of his past. Now that seems he’s got everything he ever wanted, why isn’t he happy? Is it because he’s realized that the most
important thing in his life is the promise that he never kept?

  Sensitive and damaged Rain O’Donovan lives with her brother and his friends in a tiny seaside town north of Dublin. Once a popular and lively schoolteacher, a car accident has wrecked her life, so that her only pleasure is walking in the rain, and her world revolves around mundane tasks, devoid of hope for the future. The amnesia around the time of the accident that changed everything means that her struggle with life is a day-to-day torture, and, more than anything else, she longs for answers.

  When Liam returns to his home town after his two-year absence, he’s determined to try to make amends for the terrible mistakes he made. But is it too late to put things right?

  Prologue

  I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t look for her, shouldn’t see her. And yet, I’ve been here for months, waiting outside this damned pub, spying through the foggy glass, waiting for her to pass—hoping she’s alright.

  I’ve been here for two hours now. I’m afraid the bouncer is going to notice my constant presence and will kick my ass, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I check my watch, it’s 11.00 p.m. It’s Thursday night and the pub is about to close, I have to go now, before someone recognizes me.

  Then I turn and lift my hood on my sweatshirt to protect my face from the bitter night air. I take a few steps towards my car that’s parked a few hundred meters away, when I’m grabbed from behind by the sleeve of my shirt.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” asks the person who grabbed me.

  I go rigid instantly and take a second before turning and facing the situation which I had avoided all this time.

  “Hi, Aaron.”

  “I’ll repeat it for you. What the fuck are you doing here?”

  I sigh and turn my back on him, walking away, but he’s not gonna let this go. He follows me silently, I can hear his footsteps fall a few paces behind me, a few meters back. I don’t turn around, but continue walking to my car. I search for the keys in my pocket and go to open the door, when he shoves it shut with his hand.

  “You shouldn’t have come here, Liam.”

  He’s right.

  “It won’t happen again,” I lie.

  It’ll happen again.

  Every damn night.

  Aaron puts his hand on my shoulder, forcing me to look at him. So, I do it. I look him in the face and I fall apart. My eyes fill with tears and rage, impotence and pain.

  “Jesus, Liam, you’re a mess!”

  I dry my eyes and shake my head, as if I could shake away the thoughts that haunt me.

  “Why were you hanging out there?”

  “I didn’t want to create any problems. It was a moment of weakness, it won’t happen again.”

  “Oh, bullshit! I know you’ve been out there every single night. The bouncer noticed you at least two months ago, and if he hasn’t beaten your ass it’s only because I told him not to. But be careful, or I might change my mind.”

  I breathe heavily and lean my back against the car door.

  “I just wanted—I just wanted to see her.”

  “Don’t get close to her.”

  “I just want to make sure she’s okay.”

  Aaron breathes impatiently while he brushes both hands through his hair.

  “She’s fine.”

  “You don’t seem very convinced.”

  “It’s a complicated situation, Liam. We almost lost her, for fuck’s sake! And then—Well, she’s never been the same.”

  “What do you mean? You just said she was well. I saw her here behind the bar a few nights ago—”

  “Liam,” he interrupts me, putting a hand on my shoulder. “She doesn’t remember.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “She doesn’t remember the accident, she doesn’t remember what happened before it, or anything immediately after.”

  I am silent for a moment as I try to process what Aaron has just told me.

  “How is that possible? I thought it was something temporary, that would have improved with time—”

  “Liam.” He pauses, as if looking for the courage to continue. “She doesn’t remember many things from her past, about her life. She doesn’t remember the last concert—she doesn’t remember you—she doesn’t remember Neil.”

  Just hearing his name pains my heart. I bring my hand impulsively to my chest as if my gesture could prevent it from shattering.

  “Head trauma and amnesia and—the fact that she has removed part of her past means that after two years the doctors think it’s impossible that it will come back to her now.”

  “I don’t understand—”

  “Stay away from her, please, it’s already so difficult.”

  “I can’t.” And as I speak, I can feel my ribcage tighten, pushing against my heart. “I can’t.” I repeat, more to myself than to him.

  Aaron looks at me, clearly worried. His face is drawn, his eyes heavy, appearing the way someone does who has just given up and let himself go after going through a really rough patch. He’s got a long, unkempt beard—it looks almost more disreputable than mine. His posture is rigid and his expression is of one who has accepted his fate. Someone who’s doing everything he can to keep his head above water, but knows this ship is going down.

  “When did you get back?” he asks, fumbling for a packet of cigarettes in his back jeans pocket. He takes one and offers one to me.

  “Three months ago,” I answer, lighting up and letting out the smoke and closing my eyes.

  “What is it you’re trying to do here?” His voice is hard. “What do you want?”

  “I—I don’t know. I’m not trying to do anything. I only wanted to see how she’s doing, to make sure her life was…” I’m not able to finish the phrase. I drop my head to my hands and start to cry. The tears flow, undisturbed, echoing the misery in my face, my shoulders and my heart.

  “Jesus, Liam!”

  “I’m sorry.”

  It’s a word I’ve said ever since that day, but it doesn’t help anything. Regardless of how many times I’ve said it, regardless of how convinced I am regarding the sincerity of my feelings, it’s all crap.

  It’ll never be enough.

  There isn’t any one word in the world that can bring us all back.

  A long silence wraps itself around us, embraces us and calms us as if we needed that in order to leave the pain outside our bodies, permitting us to breathe without that unsustainable weight of being still there. Being alive.

  I exhale and I let everything I have in mind flow freely.

  “I need to fix something. I need to put some pieces together of what is left. I need…” I pause for a moment. “…Her.”

  I can’t believe what I’m saying.

  “I’m only gonna tell you this one time,” Aaron tells me, “so I hope you get my message loud and clear: Rain is my sister and she’s all I’ve got. I will not permit you to hurt her, in any way, nor to bring to light all that has happened. I don’t understand your intentions very well, but if your glance even touches her, I swear to you, I will make you regret it, and I’ll make you swallow your balls. Am I clear?”

  “Aaron, I—”

  “I thought we were already over this, that you had made a new life for yourself.”

  “Aaron, I don’t think you—”

  “Hey, you left! Turning your back on all of us, turning your back on her!”

  “It’s not like that.”

  “You got everything you always dreamed of, right? So why, for the love of God, have you come back here? There’s nothing for you here, Liam. Nothing.”

  I hide in the silence because I don’t have the courage to speak the truth out loud. I don’t have the courage to say the words that are slowly consuming me.

  I shouldn’t have.

  I couldn’t have.

  It was the only thing I had promised myself not to do.

  “Shit, Liam!” Aaron turns his back on me and walks away, cursing against the emptiness.

&nbs
p; I don’t know what my intentions are or what I’ll do, I just know I have to get close to her, because she’s the only one who can give me back a reason for living, who can alleviate my pain and my guilt. I have to fix some things, I need to get someone’s life back up on its feet.

  I need her, to breathe, to understand that it isn’t finished, to lighten my load that I carry on my shoulders, in my head and my heart. I need to know that at least she is going to make it. That she can have a life, and that I, maybe, could live in her reflection and feel—feel something, understand that I am still alive.

  What the fuck have I done?

  I’m a terrible person.

  In a single night, I destroyed everything.

  A stupid mistake.

  Just one that I can’t make better.

  1

  Liam

  My name is Liam, a name that hides a profound significance. I’m the first born, and after my birth three other children arrived, all of them rigorously masculine. My mother never had a moment’s peace in the house, but we love her and notwithstanding the years of migraines we caused her, as well as a nervous breakdown, she loves us all indiscriminately.

  My family is one of those staunch Irish Catholic profound believers in the faith. My parents always wanted a large family and they were convinced that after me, there would be other children. That’s why I, as the first-born child, was given this name.