by A. S. Kelly
“That’s fucking bullshit, Jay! Haven’t you seen how she looks at him? She’s already created a whole fantasy and you know she can’t go through with it.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” I burn with anger. “She has the right to do what she wants.”
“And you, what the fuck would you know about it, Liam?” Aaron rages. “You weren’t there, you don’t know her, you haven’t a clue of what she’s been through, what we’ve been through—”
“Ah, so that’s it!” I yell, rage pounding in my temples. “The problem is her, not you.”
“What! How dare you! You’re just a piece of s—”
“Okay, okay. That’s enough both of you!” Jay pushes himself between us before anything more serious can happen.
He knows me and knows that I was about to go for Aaron’s throat.
“Maybe it’s better that you tell him everything, Liam,” Jay advises.
“I’ve already told you everything.”
“No, you haven’t.”
Panic assails me in the moment when I feel Aaron’s eyes looking me over, from head to toe.
“What is it you need to tell us?” he asks, looking first at Jay and then at me. “What is it that we still don’t know?” He sighs, exasperated.
“Nothing. You already know everything about the accident.”
“I’m not talking about that, Liam,” Jay goes on. “Tell him about you, about her. About both of you.”
“There is no us, Jay! There never has been, for Chrissake!” I yell, punching the wall so hard that I can almost feel my bones crack. I don’t care, not about the physical pain, nor my stupid fucking hand or all the rest of it.
“And this is why you’ve returned?” Aaron inches closer, talking more calmly this time. “You and her—”
“No!” I stop him short, not wanting him to draw any conclusions. “No. I swear to you, Aaron,” I lie, looking him in the eye, but feeling my knees giving out below me.
I let myself slide down the wall until I feel the floor beneath my ass. I pull me knees up and rest my forehead on them, closing my eyes and breathing heavily, trying to calm this anger that will not leave me in peace.
Aaron creeps closer and bends down to me. He rests a hand on my shoulder and speaks to me, almost supplicating:
“I beg you, Liam. Tell me the truth, now. I have to know. I have the right.”
I slowly lift my head and meet his glance, once again feeling unworthy of being here.
“Fuckin’ hell!” He yells before getting up and kicking the door.
There’s no need for me to put anything in words.
My heart is dark, wrapped in a toxic cloud of errors, mixed up emotions and bad decisions, which make themselves seen when they should not, manifesting the tumult of feelings that I have carried around for years, but have to come out right now, in this moment, like a storm that spares no one and that sucks in everything and every person within a hundred-mile radius.
Rain
“I’ve brought you something to eat,” I say to him.
Liam is moving into his new place in the apartment over the pub. From what I understand, Aaron put up a bit of a stink about it, but in the end Jay convinced him. I don’t see what’s wrong with the idea, it was an unused space and they are all friends, so what harm could there be?
I knew he was up there setting up his things so I took the opportunity to pass by the market and get something to eat. To tell the truth, I deliberately bought food for two, hoping he wanted company.
“Does Aaron know you’re here?” he asks me without even turning around.
“Aaron doesn’t always have to know about my every movement,” I reply, offended.
He turns just slightly to nod in my direction. “Thanks, but it wasn’t necessary,” he says, and I understand I’ve been inopportune and that he has no desire to spend any time with me.
I set the bag on the kitchen counter and turn around, saying nothing, hurrying down the stairs, holding back the tears, at least until I make it to the street.
“Rain, wait!” Liam calls me from the stairwell.
I don’t want him to see me in this condition, so I don’t answer him; I slip through the door and walk away as quickly as possible. Arriving outside, I breathe deeply to block the emotions and the disappointment that invade my body, but I’m not able to get it together in time before I feel a tap on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry.”
I nod, my back to him.
“I didn’t want to be so rude. You were so kind to me—it’s just been a really bad day for me, that’s all.”
“I understand,” I say with a voice broken by tears. “No problem, ex-excuse me.”
God, I’m so nervous I can’t put two words together.
“Please, don’t go,” he adds, coming so close that I can feel his breath on my neck. Then his hand slides delicately next to mine and our fingers touch, making me sigh.
“I’m sorry,” he says again.
He says it a lot.
“You shouldn’t. Be sorry, that is.”
“I can’t help it, I can’t get anything right with you.”
I turn slowly, drying my tears with my jacket sleeve. “There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing. I’m the problem. You don’t have to behave differently on my account.”
“Is that what you think? That I’m doing it for you? Oh no, Rain, I’m an asshole all on my own, believe me.”
I can’t help laughing at his words and in a second, he’s brought my mood back up to the stars.
“So, this lunch…” he says, indicating the bag he brought with him.
“It’s nothing. Just two sandwiches and two pieces of carrot cake.”
“Would you like to have lunch with me?”
I couldn’t ask for more.
We head towards the bay without needing to talk about it. We go down the path that runs along the coast and leads to the beach below, offering a view of low tide. We sit on some rocks that jut out of the sand. We get lost looking at the horizon that is strangely clear today. There are no clouds looming and not one drop of rain.
“It’s nice here,” he tells me. “Calm, peaceful. So different from London.”
“Didn’t you like staying there?” I ask, continuing to look ahead.
“It wasn’t for me. The big cities, the chaos, too many people—no, I definitely prefer places like this.”
“Like Howth? You prefer this town of fishermen to fame and success?” I say without realizing and turn my head to gauge his reaction. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
He looks at the horizon in heavy silence, brooding at the words we have not exchanged.
“How do you know?” he asks without having the courage to look at me.
“The other night in the pub, some girls recognized you. You were—you are—famous? Yes?”
He lets out a cynical laugh before responding.
“Famous—not really. I cut a few songs, did a few concerts, that’s all.”
“And why did you stop?” I ask uncertainly. I’m afraid I may have gone too far.
“It wasn’t for me and then—I left something behind.” And as he says it, his gaze falls right on me making me blush terribly.
“A-a g-girl?” I look away immediately while wishing the sand would swallow me up.
The truth is I don’t want to hear his answer.
Liam remains silent for a few minutes and in that time I think my heart might really stop and need some air. Then he gets up and squats down in front of me, forcing me to look at him. He takes my chin in his fingers and looks me right in the eyes; they call to me and unsettle me like the sea in a storm that leaves no escape.
“Whatever it was is not important now,” he says simply and then does something I would not have expected.
What happens is, his forehead rests against mine.
What happens is, he smiles at me before closing in on my lips.
What happens is, I feel the heat of his breath on my m
outh.
What happens is, his lips press against mine, delicate, sweet and wet.
What happens is, my heart flies out of my chest and lands right between his hands.
What happens is that I understand I am in love and in the same moment I realize that I have definitely been in love before.
15
Liam
She asks me why I came back, if it was for a girl. How am I supposed to tell her the truth? How can I confide in Rain that the only reason that brought me back was her?
How can I tell her she’s my whole life?
So I get up, I go down on my knees right at her feet and I take her face in my hands. I want to breathe her in, to feel life rushing in my veins again. I need to realize that this is reality, that this is her.
I go in close to her lips and she doesn’t move away. She lets me put my mouth on hers, she lets this sea of remorse, this pain and desire, flow into her. She greets me and invites me to stay and only God knows how much I’d like to, how much I’d like to cancel the past and go back to that night.
How much I would like to not have asked her to do it.
How much I would like to not have asked her to choose.
I pull away as soon as the image of her, teary eyed looking at me in the rearview mirror, pops into my head, annihilating me.
She opens her eyes and bites her lip. Panic and confusion: it’s the same, just like that night.
I’m doing it again. I’m putting her future up for discussion.
And I’m doing it for myself.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” I say in a small voice.
“Why is that?” she asks innocently.
“Because it’s wrong. It was a mistake.”
“I’m a mistake?” And I understand things are going badly.
“No, Rain.” I stand up right away. “Never think that about yourself.”
“It’s a mistake because I’m defective. I’m something no one can fix.”
“No, God, Rain, no!”
I caress her face, while my thumbs dry her tears. I rest my forehead on hers, trying so hard to resist the urge to kiss her again and again and to live only by her mouth.
“Never say things like that again, understand?”
“But it’s true. It’s always going to be like this.”
“What?” I ask her, looking her in the eyes.
“I’m the problem, Liam, I get it. Even I wouldn’t want to be with me, let alone a guy—a guy like you.”
“You think I don’t want you, Rain? How could you even think it! I would give anything to have a girl like you—to have you in my life.”
“No, that’s not true. I c-can’t—I can’t give you anything. I couldn’t give anything to anyone…” She hiccups and at first I don’t understand. “I h-haven’t told you everything about the accident,” she continues, stuttering, and I don’t want to hear anymore. I don’t have the strength, I can’t stand to hear her say it.
“I—I can’t e-ever have a f-family. Ever. I’m not a complete person, do you understand? A woman who can love and give—Liam, I have nothing to give…”
Now I understand Aaron’s warning regarding Rain’s future.
I’d like death to come and take me right now. That the earth would break in two and swallow me whole, erasing my name forever along with my useless existence in this world, because I cannot stand the fact that I have caused all of this.
I cannot have taken everything away from her.
What have I done to this woman?
I shut my eyes tightly to contain my rage and bitterness, taking deep breaths, trying to calm myself. I can’t stand seeing her eyes overflow with tears, her pain, her pity. I can’t listen to her version of the truth, I’m not able to carry this weight too. Her biggest dream was to have a family, children running around the house; laughing and games which you stumble into every night before making your way to bed.
And now she can’t have any of it.
And all because of me.
I feel like I’m making an unforgivable error. I’m causing her to suffer more than she already has.
Again, dammit.
Once again because of me.
What the hell is my problem?
I stand up and walk away, pacing back and forth nervously, rubbing my temples with my fingers.
I have to do it now. Before it’s too late.
I have to let her go.
“I had everything, you know? It’s not true that I wasn’t so famous. I was, and how. Money, success, exclusive parties, women—but it wasn’t enough for me. None of it was enough for me. I wasn’t able to breathe!” I yell with my back to her.
“A-and you came here—”
“Right. I came here to get away from all of that and find a bit of peace to get my life back together. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, Rain. I’ve made so many mistakes that I can’t even count them all,” I continue, turning toward her but remaining far enough away to be safe.
“And now, you’re making another mistake, isn’t that right? You’ve let yourself get caught up in this girl without a wheel, right? A girl who isn’t worth it, who can’t speak right and will never be able to give anything to a man. The wrong girl for someone like you.”
“I, Rain, am the wrong one for you. I’m not the one you want, believe me. I’m nothing.”
Rain
I observe the closet doors covered in post-it notes divided by color. My attention falls on the hot pink ones in which I took down all my notes on him.
I start taking them off one by one and crumple them up before letting them fall to the floor.
No I won’t step back/But I’ll look down to hide from your eyes/’Cause what I feel is so sweet/And I’m scared that even my own breath/Oh, could burst it, if it were a bubble/And I’d better dream if I have to struggle/So I put my arms around you, around you/And I hope that I will do no wrong/My eyes are on you, they’re on you/And I hope that you won’t hurt me.3
The words coming from my iPod cancel my thoughts and infiltrate my emotions, that are holding everything back to avoid this precarious and fake equilibrium where my hurt soul is hiding and doesn’t know how to walk on its own for now after having met and fused with his.
I let my heart fall to the ground together with this stupid sentiment which can’t and could never be reciprocated, because I am what I am. A half a person with no future and no past. That stops and stutters her words and thoughts, overlapping one another with the clouds of the mind; who can’t remember how to love a man and who could never make anyone happy.
I sit down on the bed and let out a deep sigh that acts as a barrier from the tears that must not fall, because I’ve already spilled too many, because I don’t want to spill any more, because they can’t help heal my heart and my mind. All of the tears in this world couldn’t bring me back, couldn’t help me to remember who I was or who I should be. They couldn’t win over a heart.
Stupid.
That’s what I am.
Many have told me and maybe they were right.
I am an empty person, useless with nothing to give, nothing to offer a man, a man like him that could have anyone, someone who will be successful, have fame, money and women. Many women. What the heck could he ever want with me? Someone who doesn’t know how to talk in public, that couldn’t accompany him to his events, that could never be by his side for every occasion. Someone who works in a family pub and lives with her brother and his friends who look after her every day. Someone who could never give him a family. What would he do with someone like me?
I’m not a woman to love.
I’m nothing.
I lie on the bed and cover my eyes, hoping to placate this flood of tears that must be spilled, to break the gates open, to take with it every last crumb of what I’ve got left.
But my hands aren’t enough.
Nothing could be enough.
And the night arrives in full, unstoppable and destructive. It activates and brings everything away with i
t. It increases all of my emotions.
It takes away my hope, takes away my dreams.
It takes away love.
I fall into the fetal position and hold my pillow tightly, pressing my face into it as I hiccup so that I won’t be heard, but it’s no use. After a few minutes, Aaron is in my room, sitting on my bed, caressing my hair, a gesture that only amplifies my desperation, making it worse and removing every brake.
I raise up just enough to rest my head on his legs, while he rubs my back slowly and consolingly. And I let myself be consoled by him, who renounced his life because of me.
“Shh—calm down, Rain. Everything’s going to be alright, you’ll see.” He whispers and I cry even harder.
“I’ll fix it all, I promise you.”
“Not everything can be fixed, Aaron,” I reply through my tears. “You can’t fix me.”
I hear him. His sigh of frustration, his hard swallow trying to send down whatever it is that’s stuck in his throat. I can feel the anger in his touch and his sense of impotence—feelings that I know well, I’ve seen them in his eyes for months.
