His lips tightened. “I don’t want to talk about it now.”
“At least maybe if we each knew why the other couldn’t be with us, we could have some closure.”
His arm tightened around her. “I don’t want closure. I just want to pretend this won’t end. I’ll tell you why I can’t be with you when we have to say good-bye. Right now, I just want to pretend this can go on forever.”
She sighed deeply and relaxed against him, watching the beautiful water that looked purplish under the night sky with little ribbons of whitish yellow from the bright moon lighting the clouds. She’d enjoyed law school and practicing law, but she’d never felt the soul-deep satisfaction she did here, on this island with her mate.
Maybe something in the universe really set up mates so shifters could be happier with their mate than they ever could have thought to be alone. Maybe that was why she’d been drawn to the Caymans and gotten dive certified.
But why did she have to be drawn in when it didn’t even matter?
“So you’ll tell me when you say good-bye?” she asked, placing a hand on his chest and making slow circles and enjoying the way it made his breathing speed up before he removed her hand and gave her a playful glare.
She let her hand rest.
“I’ll tell you then, and I hope you’ll tell me,” he said.
“Why?” she asked.
“Because it’s the only way I’ll be able to let you go.” He leaned his head on top of hers. They couldn’t have been more different, but they also couldn’t have been more right for each other. “That’s why we can’t keep doing this. Each time we do this, I’m joining with you a little more. A little more of me is soldered to you, and I know I’ll never get it back. If you rip away any more of me when you leave, I’ll be a shell of a person. It might already be too late. But yes, when we have our final good-bye, we’ll tell each other our reasons, and we’ll take it from there.”
“What do we do in the meantime, then?” she asked. “Ignore each other?”
“No,” he said, teasing her braids. “In the meantime, I’ll take you around the island on the boat tours we have scheduled. I don’t want to let you out of my sight. I just can’t make love to you again. It… takes too much of me.”
She nodded, an ache settling deep in her throat. She felt the same, but she didn’t think she could have decided not to have sex as easily as he did. She hoped maybe they could do it one more time before she left. She craved it like she craved fresh air after a year underground.
“Sebastien?” she asked, needing to lighten the mood.
“Yes?”
“I enjoyed hoisting your mainsail,” she teased, looking up to see him raising an eyebrow. She almost expected a stern retort or for him to glare at her. She wasn’t expecting him to grin widely and tease her back.
“And I enjoyed shivering your timbers,” he said. When she gasped in offense, he tickled her until they were down under the covers. Then they rested their heads on the pillows and watched each other until sleep claimed Kim first, then Sebastien, who put his hand over Kim’s before falling asleep.
9
The rest of the week passed far too fast. So many fun moments with Sebastien, even at times she was just watching him from across the deck.
She loved the way his hair whipped in the wind. The way he was so stern but saved secretive smiles for her.
She didn’t know how she was going to leave him. Even though they hadn’t made love since that night in his suite, she’d felt her love for him growing, her need for him growing.
She still hoped to talk him into just one more night together if she could. Even if it hurt, it would give her just one more dose of what she needed from him.
Perhaps even more than that, though, she craved knowing what was holding him back.
Over the past week, when she’d laughed in his arms or swam beside him in the water, she’d found her resolve weakening. Found herself not wanting to do what her family wanted.
She knew it was dishonorable of her. Knew if she called her family to ask for quarter, they wouldn’t understand. Her father had been obsessed with having shifter grandchildren since he’d had his own children, and there was apparently a family in New York that felt the same.
Still, she was a grown woman. She could make her own choices. What could they really do to her if she didn’t?
Disown her. The thought was painful to the bear in her, but not as painful as the thought of losing her mate. She loved her family. Without them, she’d never have gotten through law school, and without her dad’s firm, she’d never have found a job so quickly.
But somehow, not being able to practice law seemed to be a small price to pay in order to stay here with Sebastien.
But how did he feel about it? She looked over at him as he unloaded the luggage from their most recent boat trip. He’d taken over as captain, but she’d still had ample excuse to spend time with him, and he no longer seemed to mind it. He’d changed so much from the surly man who’d stomped away from his boat when threatened with relaxation and removed from his command.
She stifled a grin as he helped an older woman carry her luggage up the dock. She frowned when the woman checked out her mate’s ass. Oh well, she could look as long as she didn’t touch.
Wait, who was Kim kidding? She’d be gone in a few days and it wouldn’t matter what she did after that. She wrapped her hands around herself and paced on the deck of the yacht they’d gone on that day.
Sebastien had promised her one last boat ride tonight after things wrapped up.
Tomorrow, she’d be packing and saying good-bye to the other women and heading out to stay two nights on the other side of Grand Cayman.
It’d be a good chance to clear her head before going home.
Sebastien waved as he walked back toward her. He jumped easily up on deck and gave her a swift hug before checking to see no one was watching. As he had a habit of doing lately, he pulled back and looked down at her face intently, trying to gauge if she was doing okay.
She was. Sort of.
“Why don’t you go get some dinner and a break?” he said. “I have a few things to do before we head out tonight.”
She nodded. “Sounds good.” She wanted to stay with him but figured he needed a break to clean up and get ready to go. Maybe even to get emotionally ready.
She squeezed his hand and jumped lightly off the deck and onto the dock, which swayed slightly in the wind.
She gave him a last, suspicious look as he stood watching her, a slight gleam in his eyes and his hands clasped behind his back, displaying his magnificent arms and chest.
She shook her head and walked down the dock, not sure what to make of it all. Just a few more days, her heart told her. Then it’s just like ripping off a bandage.
A really terrible bandage.
* * *
Sebastien hauled the cooler that held his surprise for Kim onto the ship just as the sun began to set. He raised a hand to shade his eyes and looked out over the dock for her approach.
A sensuous figure in a carefully wrapped sarong was making her way down the dock. A little chill ran up his spine in anticipation. He couldn’t believe he’d ever been annoyed by her. Now his body ached with tension whenever it knew she was coming near. His bear was constantly at a low growl, buzzing within his chest, and he’d fallen into a habit of rubbing it absentmindedly when it became too much to deal with.
He couldn’t believe this was their last night together. He was glad they would each know what was holding the other back, but he also knew it wouldn’t change anything.
His father had known he wanted his mate. He’d married her, mated her, but it hadn’t changed anything. Despite the animals inside one another wanting what they wanted, it hadn’t been enough.
No matter what was holding Kim back, eventually she’d decide it wasn’t enough and she’d leave him, like his mother had. And he couldn’t bear it.
Not again.
Not to mention how
much worse this would be. No, if it was going to hurt now, it was only a fraction of how much it would hurt later. He wanted to trust her, like his dad had trusted his mom, but he also couldn’t.
All he could remember was the sting of having someone he loved, someone he depended on, suddenly gone, and the empty ache that had sent him running to the ocean and a grumpy ship captain who’d taken him under his wing and taught him about the sea to distract him.
The sea was always there for him. He could always come back to it. His family thought he was the cold one, the distant one, but perhaps he was really the most sensitive, the most hurt by their mother’s abandonment, because he was definitely the one most held back by it.
But he was grateful for the chance he’d gotten to know his mate. There was something wonderful between them, and he was glad they’d had a chance to explore it. And it would hurt to say good-bye, but then the sting would fade. Hopefully.
He reached out a hand as she reached him. Her braids were woven into one thick braid and rested over her shoulder alluringly. Her curves looked amazing beneath the intricate wrap of the soft sarong that fluttered slightly in the wind. He licked his finger, put it up in the air, and grinned. “Good wind.”
“Good,” she said, laughing slightly as he helped her up onto the deck.
Tonight he was taking her out on his private boat. A smaller yacht with just a small cabin below, only big enough for two. But he didn’t plan to take her downstairs with him tonight. He knew if he did that, he wouldn’t be able to let her go. And if he didn’t, she’d blame him for the rest of their lives.
They’d both agreed on no quarter, no begging, no rule changes, and they were about to find out why. But first, he had a surprise.
“Come here,” he said, guiding her to a seat next to his. He untied them from the dock, pulled the bumpers that kept his boat from scratching, turned on the lights that helped him steer as the sun was fading, and started the boat.
It rumbled to life with a satisfying growl, and he moved the throttle back to pull away from the dock. He palmed the wheel, aware she was watching him and it turned her on to see him handle the boat.
She liked him being in control almost as much as he liked being in control. Another reason they would have been fantastic mates, had things been different.
He still laughed inside when he thought about that first day together, after she’d stolen his boat. And their first night, in the dark in a dinghy, and the night in his suite. And they had so many memories to add after that.
They drove out until the shore and the resort were distant and they had the distinct feeling of being alone on the ocean, rocked by the waves. He dropped the anchor. Looking at the sun, he guessed they still had forty-five minutes of daylight, at least.
He laid out a quilted blanket and opened the cooler to reveal Dom Pérignon champagne and strawberries. He popped the cork on the champagne and let it spill off the side of the boat, then brought it over to her and poured her a glass. When he handed it to her, she grinned, but he thought it looked slightly pained and he didn’t like that.
“Only the best for you New York types,” he said.
“I didn’t know you had such luxury out here,” she teased.
“We aren’t complete savages,” he said, taking a strawberry out of the container and placing it gently between her lips. She took another sip and chewed and swallowed with pure rapture in her face. Damn, he wanted to do that again. So he did.
The sunset was gorgeous, all orange and red and pink and fading blue, with the water getting brighter toward the horizon as it flashed back the colors of the sky it was reflecting. He didn’t think he’d ever had a more perfect moment.
“Sebastien?” she asked quietly, feeding him a strawberry and giving him a moment’s excuse not to answer.
He chewed slowly and then swallowed. The bite of the sour berry tingled with the tang of the champagne. It felt a little like their relationship. Sweet but bitter. So bitter. “Yes?”
“Do you want to go first or should I?”
“Should we even do this?” he blurted out. “I mean, it won’t change anything. It’s just going to make us angry at one another, if the reasons aren’t good enough.”
“No, because we both agreed to what we agreed to,” she said.
He gritted his teeth. He guessed what really worried him is if she didn’t have a good enough reason, then his reason would also be faulty, and then he’d end up risking everything for her. And when he thought of that, sheer panic welled up inside him. It felt like he couldn’t breathe. It was even worse than the thought of losing her.
He swallowed and set aside his glass. “I can go first if you want.”
“Or I can,” she said.
“I’ll go,” he said. “Before I lose my nerve.”
“Ha, you? The brave sea captain losing his nerve? Impossible,” she teased.
“Come sit with me,” he said, moving to the back. There was a soft bench there and they could watch the sunset together. For a long moment, they sat there quietly.
“I’m a polar bear,” he said.
“I guessed,” she said. “There’s just something fierce and arctic about you. But how do you live out here in the warmth?”
“As well as any creature, as long as there is water. And as long as we don’t put on the heavy coat of fat that helps us survive in cold climates.”
“Ah,” she said, running a hand over his hard abdomen. “Not much chance of that happening.”
“My dad met my mom and it was love at first sight. Fated mates, if you know what that is.” He felt stupid right after saying it. Of course she knew what that was. They were fated mates. They were just ignoring it, which, now that he thought about it, didn’t seem smart.
But anyway…
“They had three of us, which was astonishing because bear shifters aren’t very fertile. But they were both strong alphas, and I suppose that helped.”
She nodded, letting him continue without interruption. He sort of wished she would interrupt. He hadn’t really talked about this with anyone.
“Anyway, she hated the cold. She and my dad would argue when I was little, but she was good to us. A good mom. And then one day, she was just gone.”
Her face tightened. He was used to seeing her smiling and lighthearted, so it was quite a striking change.
“What do you mean gone? Weren’t they mated?”
He nodded. “It destroyed my dad. I don’t think he ever considered the possibility, even though he knew they were very different.”
Realization dawned on her and her eyes widened. “So you think because we’re different, I’m going to be like her and leave you?”
He bit his lip. That did sound bad. But he would bet if you’d asked his mom back when his parents were first dating if she would leave her mate, she’d have said it was ridiculous as well. “They were different. Too different. At first, the mating thrall was enough to keep her beside him… but after some time.”
“Sebastien, I wouldn’t leave you. I love you.”
He felt the hardness in his face. Felt the cold inside him rise to the surface. “And you think she didn’t?”
She shut her mouth, eyes troubled. “I don’t know what would make a woman leave her cubs. I don’t understand that at all. At the same time, who am I to judge? But are you just going to judge every woman based on one who did something really heinous?”
“I learned something as a child that I don’t seem to be able to unlearn as an adult. There’s something very cold in me, and I’m not sure how to change it. I just know I’d rather let you go now than watch you walk away when you’ll devastate me and our children.”
Her eyes widened. “I’m a little offended that you think I’m that irresponsible,” she said.
He tried to crack a smile. “Well, you did steal my boat when I first met you.”
She tried to smile back. “I suppose.”
He put his hands together and tried to look casual. “Besides, what
does it matter? You have your own reasons for leaving.”
She tightened her lips into a line. “Yes, but it’d be much easier to leave if I knew one day you’d trust someone enough to let them make you happy.”
He frowned. “Why?”
She shook her head. “Haven’t you been happy these past few days?”
He nodded emphatically. No use hiding that.
“You could be happy again.”
“No,” he said. She was his mate. She was the only one worth risking it all for, and he still couldn’t do it. The trauma was too strong. And she would find someone else before he could beat it.
It was okay. It had to be.
“Tell me yours,” he said.
She seemed to be holding back tears, and he felt like an ass. He didn’t know how to make it clear it was about him, not about her. She was a good woman. If she found someone compatible, she probably had a chance at something long term, not a fling like they had.
“I’m betrothed,” she said. “Well, I will be when I get home.”
“Do you know your fiancé?” he asked.
“No,” she said. “I didn’t want to know. Not when I was planning to come here and do whatever I wanted.”
“Do your friends know about us?” he asked. “Or about this fiancé?”
She shook her head. “No. They know I’m infatuated with you, but I let them think you were playing hard to get and I was chasing other males.”
His jaw tightened. “Why?”
“Because if anyone sees how much I already love you, I think I’ll break,” she said. “I can go through with this, but I just can’t stand for anyone to watch me do it. If I pretend it’s all some big joke, just some fling, then it’s fine. But it’s not. You’re my mate. And for the first time in my life, I want to go against my family. My family who has been so good to me. But even if I did, you wouldn’t come with me, would you? You wouldn’t take a risk on me, because you’re sure I would leave you.”
She stood and jerked her hand away when he tried to stop her. “And I just don’t understand why you would let something so small stop you.”
Some Bear to Love: BBW Bear Shifter (BWWM) Romance Standalone Page 8
