“Use that strength, baby. The strength deep inside you.” Luke’s voice is a soft, encouraging whisper. I hold tighter onto his hand as they set up to start the funeral. The organ music fades into the background as the pastor stands upon his delegated platform, and we all look at him as his words begin to drown the room.
“Jade Michaels did not die in vain. Her body will be sent to God, for him to love and care for, for all eternity. Today we come together to give thanks for her life, to commit her body to the ground, and to comfort one another in our grief.” I look around the room. Jade’s mom is in the arms of her dad as he consoles her; her body is shaking in sadness. I feel my body jolt as grief consumes me, but I shake it off and think of good memories. It isn’t long before I hear my name called. It’s my time to tell our story. But how do I do that with just words? I slowly unclasp Luke’s hand from mine, briefly staring into his ocean eyes, and stand up. I straighten my clothes and walk to where the pastor was stood. He offers me his hand to stand higher onto his podium, and he helps me get settled.
The world isn’t real from up here.
This isn’t real.
I place my hand in my suit pocket and pull out the paper I wrote brief notes down upon. As I stare into the back of the church, there are so many faces. Bodies have flooded the church; the front doors are open and people are standing outside too. I smile. Jade would’ve loved this. I look down at the coffin and realize it’s open. Her parents wanted an open casket. I look away quickly.
“Thank you all for being here today to say goodbye to the most beautiful person. Jade was a part of my life that I held onto. I clung onto her, onto everything she gave me. She gave me hope at a time I felt I had no hope left. She let me ride her bike to school when the bullies stole mine. She gave me strength when mine wasn’t there. She became my best friend by accident. She gave me a pencil in kindergarten and let me keep it. Then she asked me to come play with her.
Jade Michaels may have been a superstar, a celebrity. But to me she was the girl who saved me when nobody else could. She was my best friend. She was the reason I survived when I lost my best friend to cancer. She was the one who held me when I wanted to hurt myself. She was the one who told me not to worry about boys. She got me through high school. She’s supposed to be here now, so she can hold my hand when I have my first baby. Or walk in front of me down the aisle at my wedding. She should be telling me to get pink when I want blue.”
I choke back my tears and laugh at our memory.
“She would be telling me to stop being stupid, and celebrate her life. But it’s hard. When you lose someone before his or her time, it’s like a piece of your soul has been ripped from you, leaving the gap in your heart in sheer pain. I can see her face right now. I can see her brown eyes being kind, and her dancing around with me in my bedroom. I’m here without you, Jade. And life is going to suck, girl. I’ll always have an empty space in my heart now you’re not here. Your movies still hold your young, beautiful face, which we can watch over and over again and remember you as you were. Talented, beautiful, and the most perfect human being.
Rest in peace, my best friend. Thank you for saving me.” I stand down from the podium and cry soft tears. I walk over to her open casket. She looks exactly the same, but of course, completely lifeless.
I’m done.
The grief consumes me in its blanket, completely taking over my body.
I’m mourning for the love of my life, but in a totally different form. She was the love who saved me, and I can’t rely on her to save me anymore. I’m alone now. Arms wrap around me and lift me up from the ground. I let my body go and give in to the strength holding me.
****
The burial didn’t take long, and I got some weird looks when I took a shot of vodka as I threw dirt into the ground. People could never understand the relationship Jade and I had. We were best friends for a reason. They weren’t to know the vodka was actually water. But I still toasted to us in the way I knew how to. Now I’m standing in a crowded room filled with people dressed in black. Nobody will ever wear black to my funeral. It’s such a sad color. I weave in and out of the people until a hand pulls my arm back. I fall into the body and expect to look up at Luke, but instead it’s a stranger.
“Can I help you?” I ask, running my hands down my dress, straightening it out. He doesn’t say anything, just puts his hand into his inside jacket pocket and hands me a brown envelope. As I take it, I turn it over. Nothing is on the front. I look back up to speak to the stranger, but nobody’s there.
I find myself in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet, holding the envelope in my hands. My knees are juddering up and down and I try stopping my nerves. I’m being pathetic; it could be nothing. I turn it over and run my finger under the sticky seal. I pull it open and pull out a blown up photo. It’s of Luke and Leona. It’s Luke and Leona in a very vibrant and erotic embrace. His fingers are sprawled across the bottom of her back, marking his territory. Her arms are around his neck. Their eyes are connecting in a way that makes my heart skip a beat. His other hand is cupping her jaw, and his lips are mere inches from hers. He’s soaking wet. I look away from the photo.
He’s. Soaking. Wet.
Well, Jade, you would’ve expected nothing less from me.
Fireworks.
I unlock the door and barge through body after body before I spot him chatting to some younger guy in the corner of the room. He sees me barreling toward him and backs off slightly. I scoff at his weakness.
“This came for you.” I slam the envelope on his chest, knocking his whisky from his hand. “This was great,” I say, backing away. “But don’t expect me to let you back in when you’re still fucking your fiancée.” His eyes grow wide and I turn to leave.
“Ella, wait!” I hear him yell, and eyes are piercing into me from all directions. I head for the door and my dad opens it for me. I hear it slam shut behind me so I know Luke is no longer following me. I search my pocket for my car key but I can’t find it. There is only one place I can think.
And that’s where I have to go.
****
Dead, dry leaves brush against my feet, their auburn colors beautiful in the setting sun. I wrap my arms around myself and stare down at the water. I can’t bring myself to sit under the bridge; there are far too many memories down there. I slide up my blazer sleeve and stare down at my faint white lines. As scars heal, the pain passes.
I shut my eyes briefly and reopen them to view clear beauty. This world does have its beauty and we all forget to really look at it. I hear a car and start to walk down the road. I wondered how long it would be until he found me. I pause my iPod.
“Ella, wait!” he screams from the car window. “You have to listen to me.”
I keep walking.
“That was the day we were told about Jade. I had to go see Leona. The press, they follow me everywhere. Surely you understand that.”
I play my iPod, and Fightstar’s Mono fills my ears. His car passes me and I look down at my feet briefly before watching his long sleek car turn suddenly and block my path. He climbs out of the car, his long body walking toward me quickly, with ease. His hands meet my shoulders and he pulls my headphones out slowly.
“You have to listen to me. Okay?” His eyes meet mine and I fall into my usual trance. He takes one hand and lets the back of his fingers float gently down my cheek. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m sorry you were given that today of all days. I’m sorry I had to make Leona believe I still love her. She has me wrapped around her little finger, Ella. She has some control of my company. In fact, her father does. I’m tied when it comes to my relationship with her.” His eyes drop.
“What? What are you saying?” I ask, anger infusing my tone. “Just because she has some part of your company, a fucking percentage, you have to kiss her and tell her you love her? For a percentage?” I move back and run my hands through my hair. “Do you realize how pathetic you sound right now? Do you have any clue?”
“I
won’t give up on this, on us. I just bought us a house, damn it!” He moves towards me again.
“I won’t be your secret anymore. I can’t be. If you want us to be together, you’ll leave that cheating bitch, and actually start a life with me.” I instantly regret my words as his eyebrows furrow.
“Cheating bitch?”
I sigh and cover my face with my palms. “I didn’t mean that.”
He steps forward. “You did mean that.” He looks back at the car then at me. “What do you mean, Ella?”
I turn around and breathe in deeply. My stomach starts to do somersaults, and I wonder if now is the right time to tell him about my baby. He spins me around aggressively, and I back off at his anger. Tears fill my eyes as I feel my ribs break, my face bruise. Memories of Nathan haunt me.
He steps towards me. “I’m so sorry baby,” he whispers. “Please. I’m sorry. I just want to know what you meant. Is Leona cheating on me, Ella?”
I sigh. “She’s no better than you. If that explains anything.” I turn my back on him and start to walk back toward town. His car drives past me slowly and stops just in front of me.
“Let me drive you back,” he says out of the driver’s window, and I walk around and sit in the passenger seat. It’s getting cold now anyway. I fasten my seatbelt and try to relax as tension fills the car.
“Did you see who she was with?” Luke asks, and I turn to look at him.
“He was around our age. Maybe a bit older. He looked Spanish, maybe? I’m not sure.” I sigh. “They got into a car right outside work. I figured you would’ve kept tabs on her,” I joke.
“I do,” he says, seriously.
“Really?” I swallow heavily. “Do you keep tabs on me?”
He pulls the car over. “I haven’t had to.” His fingers twist around the steering wheel. “Can I ask you something?”
“Always.”
“Could you hold me? I don’t want Leona. I haven’t for months. All I’ve ever wanted is you. But I’m trapped and I need you to help me fix this. I need you for all of my life, Ella. I need you for all my life.”
I sigh heavily and look down at my boots. “You promised you wouldn’t hurt me again. I know you’re engaged to Leona, and my God, does that hurt. It hurts some part of my heart I didn’t even know existed. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you when I saw them. I wasn’t expecting us to, well, y’know.” I feel my cheeks heat.
“Expecting us to what?” He smiles at me. “Have mind blowing, perfect, erotic, passionate, sex?” I start to laugh and his fingers entwine with mine. “Understand, Ella, please. I need you to, okay?”
I nod and climb over to sit in his lap. It’s awkward but he’s holding onto me tightly. I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in the gap between his head and shoulder. His smell is intoxicating. I can’t resist, so I bite and lick that spot and he groans underneath me. He lifts my head and his lips meet mine instantaneously. I moan under his attack, and twist my fingers in his hair. Our tongues dance and lick, and I pull away when I feel his cell phone ringing in his pants pocket. He pulls me back and we continue kissing until we can no longer breathe.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Wake up.
Breakfast.
Shower.
Work.
Home.
Repeat.
It’s hard to get back into the swing of things, especially after losing a soul you thought would be with you forever.
The sidewalk is damp beneath my feet. Rain has washed away the dirt. The air is warm yet bitter, reminding me that January isn’t the best time of year. I spent New Year’s Eve in Times Square by myself. I watched the ball drop all alone. Strangers around me kissed, embraced, and loved one another. I looked up at the black sky and wished my body was entangled with another. I suppose I should’ve expected it, to be left whilst he sorted his shit out. It’s been two weeks since I last kissed his lips. Since I reminded myself how it felt to be loved. I haven’t been able to look into his eyes, to remind myself that I can find everything I ever wanted in them.
As I approach my apartment block, I key in the code, walk past the concierge, and decide to take the stairs. My shoes click against the cement as I ascend the seven flights to my floor. I curse as I trip when I reach the top, and walk down the corridor.
Fear.
Ultimate stab-you-straight-in-the-heart fear.
I stare at my open front door for mere seconds. I stumble backwards and run down the hall. Who the fuck did this?
Blood.
So much blood.
“Help!” I scream as loud as I can, and my next-door neighbor comes bounding out.
“Ella, you okay?” Zeke asks, and I stumble into his arms. He holds me for a moment before anger starts to sit heavily in my stomach. “Ella?” he asks again, and I back off.
I sniffle. “Someone broke in to my apartment.” I run my sleeve underneath my nose, and try control my tears. “Someone…”
Zeke’s hand slides gently up and down my forearm, comforting me. “Take your time.”
“Someone killed my cat.” I fall to the floor and Zeke runs into my apartment then backs away as I did only moments ago.
“Fuck!” He pulls out his cell. “I’m calling the police, Ella.”
I pull my legs up to my chest and sob into my knees.
****
Broken glass crunches beneath my feet as I face the ultimate truth in front of me. Someone murdered my cat.
Why would they do that?
I walk into my bedroom and my hand covers my mouth as I stare at my panoramic window.
Written in my poor defenseless animal’s blood is ‘You will pay.’
I run up to it, pull off my sweater, and wipe it away as quick as I can. My bedroom has been ransacked, my clothes shredded, my bed covered in blood. I drop the sweater to the floor and drop my arms. My whole body has gone numb, unknowledgeable to this kind of invasion, this kind of stress. Hot tears fall freely down my cheeks. Why would someone do this? The police are treating this as an important case because they think it might be linked to Jade’s death. Jade was on her way here when she was taken and murdered. Someone’s out to get me.
Someone wants to kill me.
Something clicks inside me, as harsh as the force of a lightning bolt hitting your skin, and I grab my leather jacket from the ripped up sofa. I walk away from the apartment and toward what I hope will be my safety net.
That’s what he promised.
To be my safety net.
I have to feel safe. I walk through the parking lot, desperate to escape my tainted nightmare.
I struggle to pull my car keys out of my pocket when arms wrap around me from behind.
Strong arms.
Alcohol.
Pain.
Deep, abdominal pain.
I try to wriggle free but he's a muscly guy.
My lungs are beginning to fight for air, desperate for an intake of breath.
"Let. Me. Go!" I manage, and he just holds me tighter. My ribs are starting to ache. "Please, let me go."
He clears his throat loudly and lets out a deep, sinister laugh. "Jade never made this hard."
Fuck.
He killed my best friend.
No, murdered my best friend.
I try to reach for my cell but I'm spun around and he holds his large palm over my mouth and nose. There's a car parked opposite us and he drags me towards it. My feet have forgotten how to walk. I try screaming but I'm wasting oxygen. My fingers are clawing at his hands and I know I'm cutting them but he just ignores it. Once we reach the large black car, he opens the trunk and lifts me inside. A cloth covers my mouth and I start to lose consciousness.
This is it.
The world goes black and falls from my feet.
And I fall with it.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
It's dark.
It's cold.
My back is throbbing.
We've been driving for what feels like hours. I know he won't kill me
. He might try, but I don't think he'll do that. I hope he won’t.
The car slows down and I hold my breath. I kick the walls surrounding me, but nothing works. Nothing will break.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
If I hadn't have decided to go to Luke, to try to be safe, I wouldn’t be here right now.
I’ve been stripped of all my stuff; my phone, my wallet, my purse.
He's left me just with my clothes.
I run my fingers across my stomach and hush at my little baby.
That little baby I might lose. Who’s going to die because its mother is a failure.
The trunk opens and cold hands grab my arms. I gasp at the intensity of his grasp and fear sparks my blood.
"I'm going to fuck the living shit out of you, then I'm going to kill you. Do you understand what I'm saying, little fucking woman?" His voice is venomous. Familiar.
Fuck.
It’s him.
He’s…he’s supposed to be dead.
I don't know why but I start giggling. I'm giggling because I'm terrified.
His palm strikes my cheek with such force my neck turns. I shut up.
“Nathan,” I breathe. My head swims for a moment before I find his eyes.
I find my breath and take a second to evaluate what's going to happen. He wants to kill me. I can't let him kill my baby and me, I can't.
"I'm pregnant," I whisper, and even I can't hear myself.
"What? What did you say, little woman?" His dark eyes penetrate mine, claiming me like I’m his last meal.
"I'm pregnant, Nathan," I say with more strength, and he drops me. My head hits the edge of the trunk and I'm sure blood has been shed. I try lifting my arm to the back of my skull to check for blood but his arms are around me again and he drags me out of the trunk.
Always and Forever (Always #2) Page 11
