by Jeff Strand
Yvonne shoved Jack out of the way and reached down into the pit with both hands. Within three seconds Randall had grabbed her arms and climbed up them, scorpions clinging to his shirt, pants, shoes, hair, prominent facial features, and skin pores. He then began performing the traditional Get These Scorpions The Hell Off Me dance, which involved bouncing around, ripping off clothing, and making noises that would be physically impossible in other circumstances.
"They're still on me!" he hollered as the dance began to wind down.
"The pond!" Yvonne shouted.
"What about the pond?"
"It's full of water!"
"What about water?"
"Jump in it!"
"Great idea! Where is the pond?"
"Just over that grassy knoll!"
"Will I be turning left or right?"
"You'll veer slightly to the right."
"Thank you!" Randall took off running over the knoll, then leapt into the pond. The water was nice and cool, and the scorpions immediately released him as they began doggy paddling for shore.
Jack, Yvonne, and Bug hurried over to the edge of the pond. "Are you okay?" asked Yvonne.
"Fine," said Randall. "I don't think I got stung."
Jack glanced at a small sign. "I wonder if they call it 'Leech Lagoon' just for aesthetic reasons?"
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! AHH! AHH! AHH! I feel something slimy!"
"Leeches are slimy," Jack noted, uneasily.
Randall rushed out of the pond, covered with muck from the bottom but no leeches, excluding the three-foot-long one attached to his back. "Get it off me! Get it off me!"
"Just what I need," said Jack. "Another phobia for my collection. Yvonne, I really liked the way you handled our little scorpion situation. Do it again so that I can learn from your technique."
Yvonne grabbed the tail end of the leech and began to tug, but it held fast. "You have to burn these things off!"
"So torch it!"
"Jack, go find me two sticks to rub together!"
Jack nodded and ran off.
"Randall, stay calm!"
"If this thing sucks any more blood, I'm going to be downright mellow."
"Is there anything I can do?" asked Bug.
"Do you speak leech?" Yvonne inquired.
"Sorry, no. I'm an arthropod, he's a worm. Completely different dialect."
"I feel another ear-piercing shriek coming on," Randall warned them.
"I'm back with the sticks!" said Jack. "You want to borrow my magic lighter to ignite them?"
"Gimme that thing!" said Yvonne, snatching the lighter out of his hand. She flicked on the tiny flame, and held it up to the leech's tail. They stood there for a few moments, waiting.
"It's definitely getting a little crispy," Jack pointed out.
"This could take a while," Yvonne admitted. "We'll just have to work in shifts."
"Not to malign cooperation," said Randall, "but I should mention that I'm going to be dead any minute now."
"They better be quick shifts then," said Jack.
Yvonne tossed the lighter away and began beating on the leech, punching bag style.
"Nice form," said Jack, impressed.
"This isn't working either," Yvonne said. "We're just all going to have to grab hold of it and pull as hard as we can."
Jack and Yvonne both grabbed the leech's tail. Bug told them that it loved them for moral support. "On the count of three," said Yvonne. "One...two...THREE!"
They both yanked. Their hands instantly slipped off the slimy leech-skin, and their momentum carried them back a few steps. The ground collapsed underneath Jack, dropping him into a new pit.
"Dung beetles!" Jack screeched. "Dung beetles everywhere!" Bug quickly flew down there to help him.
Yvonne grabbed hold of the leech again, digging her fingers into its skin. She raised her feet, bracing them against each of Randall's buttocks, then pulled with all her might.
"And dung!" Jack added. "Dung everywhere!"
"I think it's coming loose," said Yvonne through clenched teeth.
"That's my spine," whimpered Randall.
Then, with a loud pop, the leech popped free. Yvonne fell on her back, as the leech squirmed to get at her feet. Despite his dizziness, Randall gave the leech a tremendous kick, sending it flying through the air and into the pit with Jack.
"Eeeeeeek!" screamed Jack.
Bug flew out of the pit. "It's swallowing his head!"
Yvonne rushed forward and reached down into the pit. The leech either hadn't gotten a sufficient grip or wasn't thrilled with the taste of Jack's head, and came free with a minor effort. Yvonne dropped the leech, then pulled Jack out of the pit, covered with the beetles.
"Get them off me!" he screamed, running toward the pond.
"Jack, no!"
Ignoring the warning, Jack splashed into the pond and began thrashing about. Three seconds and one crocodile sighting later, he came running out of the water, thankfully leech-free.
The four of them dropped to the ground, exhausted. For several minutes they just sat there, trying to catch their breath. Finally, Randall spoke.
"Now, back to the strawberry."
Chapter 19
No Title Necessary
"REALLY, YOU don't have to do that," said Yvonne. "I had a whole bunch of strawberries this morning and they gave me salmonella. Let's just find some place to rest."
"Oh, no," said Randall, his voice slurred. "I said I was going to get you that strawberry, and by gosh I'm going to get it." He passed out for a moment, then woke up again. "No matter what."
"Listen, Randall, that leech really did a number on you. I think we should get out of this place and find you some help."
"I feel perfectly fine," said Randall. Then he passed out for a couple days.
"WHERE AM I?" he asked, opening his eyes.
"You're in the same meadow," Yvonne replied. "Jack wouldn't help me carry you."
"I have fragile arms," Jack insisted.
"We've just been hanging out here," said Yvonne. "Waiting for you to recover, surviving on leech meat, playing Twenty Questions, which is a really idiotic game. Way too easy."
"Okay, I've thought of something," said Bug.
"Question one," said Jack. "What is it?"
"A breadbox. You win again!"
"See?" asked Yvonne. "Why do they call it Twenty Questions when it never takes more than one?"
Randall sat up. "I feel pretty good. How long have I been out?"
"Two days."
"Oh my goodness!" exclaimed Randall.
"Oh your goodness what?"
"That's terrible! I can't afford two days! By now the king will have every knight in the kingdom out looking for me, Sir William, and Princess Janice!"
"See?" said Jack to Yvonne. "I told you he was the one those knights were looking for. Pay up."
Yvonne handed him a dvorkin. "Good thing we hid him down in the scorpion pit."
"Look, this is serious! I can't let them find me!"
"But don't you think the hunt for the reagents would go a little better with every knight in the kingdom searching?" asked Yvonne.
"Sure it would, but so would the game of Squish-the-Squire. We have to get out of here and start questing again!"
"That's a good idea," said Yvonne. "Oh, one thing, though. I changed my mind...do you think you could get me that strawberry after all?"
"Okay."
THE DARK One sat upon his throne, lost in his wicked thoughts. Scrivener turned off the power to his crystal ball and looked over at him. "What are you doing, Master?"
"Brooding."
"I see. Not to correct you, Master, but wouldn't that require that a female be present?"
"I said brooding, fool, not breeding! Your stupidity is matched only by your stench!"
"Apologies, Master. Do you wish me to stand in the corner so that I might wallow in my own shameful inadequacies?"
"No. On second thought, yes. And while you're there perfo
rm some acts of self-abuse."
"As you wish, Master." Scrivener retreated to the corner and began poking himself in the nose.
There was a knock on the door, then Wyrkham entered. "Master! I have great news! Wonderful news!"
"Are you going to stand there all day before you tell me?"
The dwarf hesitated. "Is that what you desire?"
"No! Give me the message!"
"We've now conquered nine towns and two kingdoms and made all the residents our slaves! They've got dehumanizing collars on and everything! Our army continues to grow, and we've written 'The Dark One rules!' all over the place!"
"Excellent. I am most pleased."
"Cool. Can I borrow a couple dvorkins?"
"Leave me," the Dark One hissed. "I must concentrate on the next phase of my domination plan!"
"That would be something like taking over more kingdoms and getting more slaves, right?" asked Wyrkham.
"Yes, basically. Now begone!"
Wyrkham left the throne room. Scrivener stopped twisting his eyebrow. "May I leave the corner now?"
"You may," said the Dark One. "Ahhhh, the sweet sound of victory. Soon will I reduce the peasants of this land to frightened cowards, pleading to do my bidding!"
"That sounds delightful, Master. But wouldn't they be more productive as laborers if you built up their morale rather than taking it away?"
"Perhaps. But when the slaves fear me, the sense of power makes me giggly. And you know how difficult it is for me to become giggly."
"I do indeed, Master. And you have my sympathies."
AS TREACHEROUS as the cliff was, Randall managed to climb to the top in just under an hour, and without breaking any bones, even minor ones that he didn't know the names for. And there was the strawberry, large and succulent-looking. If he could reach the bottom of the cliff without accidentally crushing it into a gooey red pulp, Yvonne would love him forever.
He bent down to pick the strawberry.
And his hand passed right through it.
"Odd berry," he said to himself.
Several more attempts convinced him that the strawberry was indeed an illusion, and he had broken no bones for nothing.
"Ha!" said an old man, crawling out from under some bushes. "Ha ha! I laugh in your face, then spit in it, then laugh in it again! Ha ha! I can't believe you fell for the illusionary strawberry trick!"
"Ha ha. I'm tickled pink. I'd let out a hearty guffaw if I weren't entertaining thoughts about killing you right now."
The man stood up. His face appeared to be the wrinkle rest stop of the land. He wore ragged clothing, and his long, grey hair looked like it had been ratted with real rats. "Lighten up," he said. "My name is Warren the Wise, though some people call me Warren the Wise-Ass. I know all and see all. Because you have climbed such dangerous heights to see me, I will now share some of my eternal knowledge with you. Ask me any three questions."
"Hey, this is great!" said Randall. "I have some questions I really need answered. First, where would I find Jenstina the Ogre?"
Warren sighed. "Oh, sure, ask something for yourself. Where would I find the ogre? I. Me, me, me. That's all you people care about. For once it would be nice if somebody's first question was 'How are you feeling today?' 'Doesn't it get lonely sitting up here all by yourself?' 'Would you care for something to drink?' But no, it's got to be something you care about, you selfish bastard!"
"Okay, then, where would you find Jenstina the Ogre?"
"None of your business. That's one question."
"What?"
"I said, none of your business. That's two."
"You bitter little creep!"
"All right, all right, whatever your last question is, I promise to give you a good answer."
"Fine, here's my question: Where are Jenstina the Ogre and Shreddriff the Berserker and the Necklace of Power and is Yvonne really the woman for me and what's the meaning of life?"
"Sneaky. Jenstina the Ogre lives in a hut on the Mountain of Rock. Here's a map." He handed Randall a folded piece of paper. "Shreddriff the Berserker lives on an island in the Ocean of Water. Here's a map." He handed Randall another folded piece of paper. "I've never heard of the Necklace of Power. Yes, Yvonne is the woman for you, and don't you forget it. And the meaning of life is 'the state of being alive.'"
"Thanks a lot!" said Randall. "This will be very helpful!" He turned around to climb back down the cliff.
"What, you're leaving?"
"Of course."
"You don't want to sit around and talk or anything? It's a lonely life up here as a Wise Man. People just ask their questions and then leave me here by myself."
"Well, you know, if you didn't act so snotty about people only being allowed three questions, they'd probably be more inclined to hang around."
"So, you think it's my personality that drives people away? I always thought they were just intimidated by my far-reaching wisdom."
"No, it's definitely the personality. And the location. I mean, here you are on top of a treacherous cliff. Your neighbors aren't going to risk their lives just to pop by for a chat."
"But I'm a Wise Man. People have to prove themselves worthy for me to answer their questions. If I set up shop in a village, what would be the big deal? I wouldn't be special."
"But, you see, if you had friends, you would be special. Friends are what make us special, not omniscience! Give people a chance to like you for you, not for the questions you can answer."
Warren considered that. "But what if they don't like me? What if I'm not accepted? You know, all it takes is one nudity-related faux pas and you can be shunned for life!"
"Look deep within yourself. Do you want this bad enough to take the risk?"
"Yes!" said Warren, almost in tears. "Yes, I do! Thank you so much!"
"I'm glad I could help. Now, I have to be going."
"Wait a second! There's no way I can get off this cliff!"
"Oh. That's a problem."
"So...maybe I should just be less snotty about the three questions?"
"Yeah."
"Gotcha. Thanks for your help."
"WELL, I HAVE good news and bad news," said Randall, returning from the cliff.
"Tell us the good news first," said Yvonne.
"Actually, the overall impact would be better if I gave you the bad news first."
"Okay, what's the bad news?"
"I didn't get the strawberry."
"You suck, Randall," said Jack.
"But the good news is, I got something even better. Maps to take us to Jenstina and Shreddriff!"
"Oh," said Yvonne. "I guess a map is almost as tasty."
Randall unfolded the map. "See, the hut where we'll find Jenstina the Ogre is right about...whoops, that's a bit further than I expected."
"How far?" asked Jack.
"Five thumb-lengths on the map, which translates to five thousand miles. Looks like the Mountain of Rock is on the very edge of the land, right before you fall off." He unfolded the other map. "Let's see, the island where we'll find Shreddriff the Berserker is also five thousand miles away...in the opposite direction."
"Is that five thumb-lengths, too?" asked Jack.
Randall looked pained. "I'm dead. Including round trips, that's twenty thousand miles we have to cover! It's impossible!"
"Nothing's impossible," said Yvonne. "Except an interesting game of Royal Golf."
"We live in an age of magic," said Jack. "Find a magician willing to transport you there. The new regulations are fairly stringent, but a good bribe should take care of that."
"That idea's so crazy it just might work!" said Randall. "Except that I'm almost broke. What about the rest of you?"
"Barely a dvorkin to my name," said Jack.
"Forgot my fortune under my mattress," Yvonne admitted.
"I know where there are riches beyond your imagination!" said Bug.
"Really? Where?"
"In your hearts, where the love is kept!"
&nb
sp; "Look, there has to be a quick way to make some money," said Randall, "but our first priority should be to find a corrupt magician, so we'll ask at the next town. Though, of course we won't ask specifically for a corrupt magician at first, which would be tacky."
"Hey!" Warren's barely-audible voice called from the top of the cliff. "I changed my mind! I think I can make it down there, if you'll give me a couple hours!"
"No!" Randall shouted back. "We're in a hurry!"
"Aw, c'mon! I thought we were buddies! Oooh--that joint doesn't sound so good, better add another half hour!"
"Let's get going," said Randall.
"Having a bit of trouble with the ol' motor functions!" shouted Warren. "I'll catch up with you, okay?"
"No problem," Randall shouted back, as they moved onward.
IT TOOK MOST of the day to reach the next town, which was called Warfield. The fact that this town was having serious problems was immediately evident from the toilet paper strewn over every single structure in sight.
Chapter 20
Filling Some Space
WHOMEVER invaded this town had been remarkably thorough. The toilet paper was everywhere they looked, as was graffiti saying "The Dark One is really cool" and "The Dark One: He may be ugly but at least he's not as psychotic as that one guy from that place." There were no people in sight.
"Who is the Dark One?" Randall wondered aloud. "What kind of inhuman monster would tee-pee an entire town? What if it rains?"
They all took a minute to think about it, then proceeded down the street, searching for signs of life, or at least a few telltale corpses to let them know that people had died recently. But there was nobody.
"Do you think everybody fled?" asked Yvonne.
"From a mess like this? I'm sure of it," said Jack.
"No, wait--look at that message," said Randall, pointing to the side of a hut, upon which was painted The residents of this fine, previously litter-free town have been kidnapped by the Dark One, so whine all you want.
