I laugh sharply. “You know her.” I direct the gun at Bella, who has her gun pointed at me. “And she’s… well, she’s bad, so that makes you bad too, doesn’t it.”
Lily chuckles under her breath. “Now there’s logic for you and wouldn’t that be like admitting you’re bad too, considering the people you know.”
Bella laughs sharply. “I’m bad? You’re the one who’s been killing, Maddie. Sydney. The poor man in the woods. Granted, that one kind of deserved it. He probably would have raped you if you hadn’t killed him.”
“I didn’t kill anyone!” I shout, looking around the room. I want to be more convincing but I know I could be capable of what she’s accusing me of. “I didn’t.” My hands are around the handle of the gun, palms damp with sweat, the metal stone cold.
“Of course you didn’t,” Bella says with a sigh, then her eyes flick to River. “Would you like to explain that one to her, or me?”
River appears puzzled and starts to stammer. “I-I have n-no idea what you’re t-talking about.”
“Of course you don’t.” Bella rolls her eyes. “Okay, play dumb then. I’ll be the one to tell her.” She pauses, scratching her head with her free hand as the scent of gasoline makes its way around the room. “Every time River would slip you the rufi—all those times you woke up and lost track of time—he was setting you up. He was the one that killed Sydney and the men in the woods. He’s the one that’s been tormenting you, helping me drive you insane, all because I asked him to—you want bad, there’s your bad.”
“That’s not true.” River’s words rush out of him as he starts to hurry toward me, but I hold the gun in his direction and it makes him stop in his tracks, his skin draining of color.
“He was helping us break you,” she says. “He knew about your past. About your mental disorder. About everything from the moment he accidentally ran into you outside his AA meeting. He was actually waiting to run into you. Thought he could use it as a good excuse to get to know you more, to study you and see just how far you would go... It was never a coincidence that you ran into him.”
I think about the stuff I read in River’s notes and coldness seeps into my bones. “Is that true?” I ask River, swinging the gun in his direction. “Did you purposefully meet me because you… you knew about my past and my… Lily…” I don’t even know what to call her anymore and Lily smiles at me, like she understands.
He doesn’t answer right away, raking his fingers through his hair. “Maddie, I never meant to hurt you.” His voice is uneven as he keeps eyeing the gun. “At first yes, I got close to you because I wanted to study you… and I knew about your past… But I never killed anyone or helped them poison you… that was all them.” He blows out a breath of frustration. “I’ve decided to do my thesis on something else. I care about you too much to do that to you.”
“Do your thesis on something else?” I gape at him incredulously. “You made me think I was a killer!”
“I promise that wasn’t me!” He shouts. A promise with fear and begging in his eyes. He moves for me in desperation and I shake my head, inching the gun closer to him. The barrel ends up coming into contact with his chest, but he still doesn’t step back, despite how terrified he is.
“Please listen to me,” he begs. “I caught Bella slipping drugs in your drink and threatened her—that’s why she disappeared. Or at least I thought she did. It’s been her, Maddie, this whole time. She’s been trying to make you go crazy, drugging you and killing people then setting you up.”
“Nice try,” Bella says, shaking her head. “But don’t try to put this all on me now that we’re all here together.”
River glares at her. “Stop lying to her.” His voice cracks and I can tell he’s scared. Terrified. And it makes me wonder how he could possibly kill someone. It just doesn’t feel right. Him doing those things—he doesn’t have it in him.
Me on the other hand, I’m not so sure.
“I’m not the one who’s lying.” Bella looks over at Lily and Lily gives her a look of encouragement, which makes me wonder who’s really running the show. “And if Maddie really thought about it, she’d know. And she’d kill you, River. Get her revenge, just like I plan on doing.”
I’m starting to get flustered, my heart soaring in my chest like it did back when I lay in the street, dying. I’m just as confused as I was then, even more. A maze of lies right in front of me and I’m just supposed to what? Figure it out in a second? Lily, come out. I need your help.
Nothing.
Please Lily, I need you.
Only silence. And I look to the real Lily who’s sitting on the armrest of the chair watching the scene unfold in delight. Then she gives me this look and for a faltering second, I swear she looks just like me.
“Maybe I’ll just kill you both,” I sputter out, backing up until my back hits the wall. I’m taking ragged breaths, my mind racing a million miles a minute, and I can barely think straight. “Then I won’t have to figure this out.”
“Maddie, just calm down,” River says unsteadily, hands surrendered in front of him. “Everything’s going to be okay. Just take a step back and really think about this.”
Pitter-patter… pitter-patter… I can see the flames. The smoke. And the man in the center of it all. I point the gun at him, ready to shoot him, ready to make him pay, but I hesitate, too afraid. I’m always too afraid. Lily steps in, takes the gun from my hand.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” she says, then she aims the gun at the man and pulls the trigger.
“Don’t kid yourself Maddie. You’re nothing but a whore!”
You’re a whore!
You’re a whore!
You’re a whore!
The lies. The games. I’m tired of them. My father wants me to hurt people, mess with my head, tells me I’m always wrong when I fight him. Then I’m punished and I’m split in half, not quite whole anymore. Lily though, she never lets him down. Does what she’s supposed to and it hollows her out.
I flinch from my memory, my finger starting to push down on the trigger, ready to shoot, when a man appears beside Lily, the same one I saw behind Sydney, who broke into my house, who’s been standing in the street. If I thought things couldn’t get worse, I was wrong. It’s as if the veil has been lifted off my mind and suddenly I recognize him. He’s the man in the photo I burnt, the man in the cabin.
My eyes widen as I turn and point the gun at him. “Dad?”
Chapter 36
Maddie
“He’s not real,” Lily says to me from across the room. “Just your imagination.”
“Then how do you know what I’m seeing?” I ask in horror, my wobbly legs about to give out on me. Deep down, I know he can’t possibly real, but he looks so real and feels so real and he’s making me feel so unstable like he used to.
“Because I understand you,” Lily says simply. “And how remembering back—remembering what he did and used to call you—brings him back.”
River and Bella are staring at me like I’m the one that’s the crazy person in the room. But my father smiles, then reaches for Lily’s throat and she seems completely oblivious to it.
I rush forward, the gun targeted steadily at my father. “Get away from her,” I demand, unsure why I’m protecting her.
“Maddie, stop,” Lily says calmly. “Put the gun down. It’s just another one of your hallucinations, probably because Bella called you a whore—it’s kind of a trigger for you.”
“I know but…” I shake my head, my hand shaking so bad and my teeth chattering. “No he’s there... I can see him… feel him in my skin.”
Lily tracks my gaze to the side of her then looks back at me. “Maddie, there’s no one there.”
You’re a whore!
“Do you remember?” My father asks, strolling in front of Lily and blocking her from my view. He’s shorter than I remember but then again I’m older and taller, still when he closes in on me, I feel small. “What I did to you?”
I do. How he raped me all the time. Hurt me. How I would pretend to be someone else. My sister. Who was stronger. Who seemed to handle it better than I did. She didn’t cry. Always did what he wanted.
“You’re the one who’s been… who’s been messing with my mind.” I finally manage to speak again. “You made me think I was going crazy… that I was a killer…. You’re real… still alive.”
“Only in you, Maddie.” Lily’s voice tries to push through my fear.
“And it was so easy,” he says with a grin, so close to me that I could reach out and touch him. “You were always the weak one. Every time I tried to teach you right and wrong, you fought me.”
Make him pay, Lily whispers. Shoot him!
“Get her to stop,” Bella says and when she looks at me, River comes up from behind her, ready to tackle her, but she swings back around. “This isn’t how this was supposed to go down. I’m supposed to get the last say.”
I shake my head at my father. “Not this time. This time I’m the strong one.”
“Maddie, snap out of it.” Lily steps in front of him, her hands still up to her side, the scent of fire swirling around me, even though there’s no flames. “He’s not really there—you’re just seeing things. And it’s time to let him go and come back to me.”
“But you’re just as bad as him!” I scream, my hand shaking so bad I nearly drop the gun.
My dad smiles from behind Lily. “Always so unstable.”
“I’ll kill you,” I say. Do it, Maddie. Make him pay. “I’ll fucking kill you.”
“What good is it going to do to kill me?” he says with a shrug. “They’d still be here. All of them and they all hurt you in one way or another, just like me.” He pauses, musing over something. “I think you need to make them pay for their badness, for what they did to you. It’s about time you did what you were taught to do.”
As if I’ve lost control over my body, I move the gun around to River, then to Bella, and conclusively to my father. Lily is still standing in front of him, her eyes on me, watching me unravel into insanity right before her.
“Don’t even think about it,” Bella says. “This is my moment, not yours.”
Pull the trigger.
“Pull the trigger, Maddie,” my father says as Bella and River continue to argue, River looking like he’s about to faint. “Just do it.”
I cock the gun, noticing that Lily is about to drop the lighter and Bella’s shoved the barrel of the gun in Lily’s direction. And River, well he’s moving for her helplessly, unsure if he has the courage to take her down while she’s armed.
“Maddie, please don’t.” I’m not even sure who says it anymore.
I close my eyes and swing the gun around then fire.
Chapter 37
Maddie
The gun goes off as I’m turning around, aiming it at the person who’s responsible for this. The bullet enters Bella’s body, right in the heart. Blood splatters everywhere like spilled paint. Her heart stops. It’s followed by a cry.
My sister grins at me. “Good girl.” Then she drops the lighter onto the floor, the gasoline singes, then bright flames erupt through the living room.
Smoke and fumes encircle us and Lily disappears in the midst of it. I try to move through it, try to find my way out, but something heavy falls on me and I collapse to the ground.
I’m going to die.
This is it.
I’m going to die with blood on my hands. I’m a killer now, for real this time. There is no Lily with me, no force of will. I pulled the trigger. Killed Bella. And now I’m going to burn to death.
I feel a hand touch my arm and the last thing I think is: Well at least I’m not going to die alone. I have Lily hear with me.
***
When I open my eyes again, I’m lying out on the front lawn and my mother is with me, along with River. I pass right back out though and I come in and out of conscience for the next couple of days. When I finally do wake up, I’m in the hospital, my arms wrapped in bandages from the fire. There’s a brief moment where I think everything that has happened was a dream and that I’m just ten year old Maddie, lying in a hospital bed, saved after days of her father kidnapping her and her sister and ruining them, but then my mother walks in and I can see in her eyes that it’s not the case.
“How are you feeling?” she asks tentatively and she looks like she’s aged ten years overnight.
“Okay, I guess,” I tell her, listening to the monitors beep, my heartbeat so consistent, so steady, so strange considering the circumstances.
“Can you… remember what happened?” she asks, taking a seat in a chair that’s beside my bed.
I shrug, fiddling with the clamp that’s on my finger. “Vaguely.” Actually, at this point I can remember almost everything.
“Oh Maddie.” She takes my hand and her skin feels so cold… or maybe it’s mine. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I didn’t even know Bella had gotten out of jail, or I would have tried to protect you more.”
“You could have just told me the truth,” I tell her coldly. “Then I could have at least protected myself better.” I try to sit up, but I’m too weak. I loathe the feeling and can’t wait until I get better. “And you should have told me that Lily was still alive. That would have been nice… did the police find her?”
Her face drains of color, her hand tightening on mine. “Sweetie, your sister died in the fire with your father…” Tears well in her eyes. “I’m so sorry I never said anything to you about it... I’m so sorry I lied to you, but I just wanted to help you.”
“But you said she was bad,” I say, searching her eyes for the truth. The truth? The truth doesn’t exist. “You talked about her like she had been around afterward and was bad.”
“No, I was referring to the before… even before you guys were taken… she still had problems… I think your father was doing stuff to her, even then… And when you came back, you were so much like her… rebelling… violent… cold…”
Maybe that’s because you’re her.
“But it all changed after the accident. You were you. And I thought…. Well, I just hoped, I guess that things would be different.” She starts to cry, her head falling forward as she mutters, “I’m going to make sure we get you some help—I won’t let this ruin you even more. You’ve had such a traumatic life.”
What she’s saying about Lily, it’s not sitting well, emotions stirring inside me almost violently—I have to ask. “The fire at the cabin… the one that my father and Lily and… Evan died in… did they find all there bodies?”
My mother nods, grabbing a Kleenex from a box by my bedside and dabbing her eyes. “There were three… bodies…” Tears pool her eyes again and she’s about to lose it.
I, however, am calm as a revelation sinks into me. I feel myself changing into someone else, someone I’ve been before.
After my mother stops crying, she gets up and places a kiss my cheek. “I have some paperwork to fill out, but I’ll come back and check on you in a little bit.”
As she walks out of the room, shutting the door behind her, I reflect on what happened. Even if I wasn’t a killer before, I am now. I killed Bella. Pulled the trigger. Blood is now on my hands and maybe the stench of gasoline too. The thoughts that haunted me have become real—Lily is real—and for some reason I don’t feel frightened about it.
I listen to my heart beating on the monitor, the sound not quite matching the rhythm in my chest. It’s steady, less afraid, carries more strength, as if I’m someone else now.
Epilogue
Two months later…
“Maddie, you have a visitor.”
My hand gives a jerk and I glance up from my notebook that’s drenched with my thoughts. There’s a nurse in front of me, a warm smile on her face as if she’s looking at a child. I nod, put the pencil down, and close my notebook filled with ramblings that I can never remember writing, but that might be because they’re her thoughts. Then I wait for my visitor wit
h my arms crossed on the table, poised as can be—in control. Moments later, he enters the large but seeming small room because it’s full of tables and chairs. It also has this sterilized scent in the air, as if someone is constantly scrubbing the floors and walls with cleaning products. But it’s definitely better than the place I was before. Much, much, better. And no one’s trying to get me to go away.
A smile almost touches my lips as River enters through the door on the far side. He’s wearing a plaid shirt, faded jeans, and his glasses, stands of his hair dangling in his eyes. He looks good, healthy, smiling, yet there’s a hint of uneasiness in him, probably because of where we are.
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