by Unknown
He was partly in the shower stall, but there was no water running. The bathroom mirror gave her a perfect view of what he was doing – he had a hand wrapped around his rock hard erection and he was stroking it hard and fast, his eyes closed. He moaned her name and then started spurting into the stall of the shower. Several seconds passed as he finished stroking himself and then he hung his head. Before she could even comprehend what she had just witnessed, he suddenly spun around and flung open the toilet seat cover. His horrified eyes made contact with hers a second before he vomited.
Riley shut the door and leaned back against the wall next to it, her heart ripping apart as she listened to him retch over and over. Bile rose in her own throat as she tried to make sense of what was going on. Tears started streaming down her face as she went in search of her clothes. In the living room, she pulled on her pants and fumbled with the button. She heard the toilet flush and, as the water in the sink ran, she quickly stripped off the sweatshirt and pulled on her blouse. She was still facing the door and working on the buttons when she heard him approach.
“That wasn’t about you.”
That was it? That was supposed to be some magical answer that explained everything? She turned to face him, her fingers fumbling with the buttons on her shirt. When he saw her tears, he ran his fingers through his hair in frustration and then jerked them down in anger. She flinched.
“Damn it Riley, I told you I was fucked up! Why couldn’t you just leave it alone?”
Her hand flew to her mouth and she turned to open the door. She felt his arms close around her from behind. “I’m sorry.” He kissed her neck and then whispered “I’m sorry,” against her skin. Harsh sobs wracked her body and he tightened his hold and kept whispering apologies. He turned her against his chest and she cried fresh tears over his bare chest.
“I swear to God Riley, what happened in there wasn’t about you or anything you did. You were so perfect.” She’d managed to get some control but wet tears continued to stream down her face because she was afraid of what he was going to say next. It was going to end something that never even had a chance to start. She’d known that when she had come over tonight, but now it hurt so much more.
“Honey, something’s broken deep down inside me. I don’t understand it myself so don’t ask me to try and explain it.” He forced her chin up so he could see her red, blotchy eyes that still leaked water. “I thought I could give you something special tonight – I thought it would be enough for you, but you deserve so much more than that.” He kissed her forehead and pain lanced through her knowing this was goodbye. She put her hand against the back of his neck and pulled his head down so that his lips were just inches from hers.
“I’m so sorry Gabe. I just wanted to give you what you needed.” She reached up and brushed her lips gently over his and then she pulled free of his arms and left the apartment.
Chapter 9
Gabe checked his watch as he started another lap around the park. Shane was twenty minutes late and he was getting worried. Something was off with his best friend and he’d asked Shane to meet him here at Gas Works Park under the pretense of needing a workout. The weather was cooperating and the park was slowly starting to fill up with the after work crowd. As he ran Gabe, tried to keep images of last night from running through his head.
After he’d watched a shattered Riley walk out of his apartment in tears, he’d ended up putting his fist through the wall. Luckily he hadn’t broken it, but the pain had only offered a brief reprieve. She’d been completely heartbroken and he was helpless to change that. All he had wanted was to give her pleasure, to show her how beautiful her body was and instead he’d ripped her apart. He could still feel her tears on his skin, the devastation in her voice. He should have never touched her. Maybe they’d both have been better off if he’d told her all of it – the escorting, the stuff from his childhood.
Nausea swept through him at the thought of being face to face with Riley and telling her how sick and twisted he really was, how deep his depravity went and the disgusting images that dominated his dreams night after night. Gabe veered off the jogging path and leaned over some tall brush and emptied the contents of his already hollow stomach. He wiped his mouth using the lower part of his T-shirt and looked around – at least no one was around to witness his disgusting weakness.
He finished his run and took a detour to his truck to get a drink of water so he could rinse out his mouth. After he drained the rest of the bottle down, he tossed it back into the cab of his truck. Shane was just pulling his spiffy little sports car into the space next to his truck. He held his tongue when he watched his friend emerge, his eyes bleary and hair sticking up all over the place. Had he actually been asleep in the middle of the day? The Shane he knew was an unstoppable force, always on the go, driven to succeed at everything he ever did. The guy in front of him looked like a slouch.
“Hey man, thanks for showing up.” Gabe couldn’t keep the sarcasm from his voice.
“What’s with the hand?” Shane motioned to Gabe’s bruised hand as he pulled the sweatshirt off over his head and started to stretch.
“It’s nothing. What’s going on with you?”
“What do you mean?” Shane asked as started walking towards the jogging path. He turned to look at Gabe. “Are we doing this thing or not?”
Gabe bit back a nasty retort and ran to catch up with Shane. They jogged in silence for a few minutes before Gabe repeated his question.
“Nothing’s going on. I’m fine, just busy with classes and shit.” Shane said casually, too casually.
“I called you a couple days ago but you didn’t call me back. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Sure, why wouldn’t I be?”
“Shane, I’m sorry I didn’t remember the anniversary…”
Shane cut him off, his tone short. “Don’t worry about it. I would have forgotten myself except my parents called.”
“How are they doing?”
“Proud as peacocks. Dad’s already picked out where my office is going to be.”
Gabe fell silent. He knew Shane hated talking about the future that had already been mapped out for him. “I’m worried about you,” he finally said.
Shane slowed to a stop and put his hands on his hips to catch his breath.
“Gabe, I told you, I hadn’t even given much thought to the anniversary.”
“It’s not that…well, not just that. You’ve changed – there’s something different about you.”
Shane shook his head and started running again. His response was noticeably agitated. “Look man, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m all good. Maybe you’re the one who’s changed.” He looked at Gabe’s hand again and said, “Is that because of Riley?”
Gabe glanced down at his damaged hand and finally said, “Yeah.”
“What happened?”
“I messed up. I messed everything up.”
“Did you sleep with her?” Shane asked, slowing their pace so they were both walking. Gabe just nodded but the pain he was in was clear as day.
“Is she okay?”
Gabe flipped his eyes up from the ground he’d been studying. “Yeah, of course, I wouldn’t hurt her!”
“I didn’t mean is she okay physically Gabe. I would never ask you that question.”
Gabe took in a deep breath and nodded. He was quiet for another moment and then said, “Something’s been happening to me after I meet with clients.” Gabe stopped walking and started moving around, agitated. They were in a quiet area of the park, but Shane still led Gabe a little further off the path so they wouldn’t be overheard.
Gabe stopped and started a couple of times. Finally he said, “You know I never come when I’m with clients.” Embarrassed, Gabe avoided eye contact. He and Shane had discussed this once before early on in their careers when Gabe was trying to figure out why he struggled so much when Shane and Logan didn’t. His friends had both assured him it probably had to do with the newness of the
whole thing and he just need to get past the stigma of being paid for sex. It wasn’t something he’d ever brought up again but he figured Shane and Logan suspected he continued to have issues since he’d pared down the amount of escorting he did.
“Yeah,” Shane said gently, no incrimination in his voice.
“After, I usually just leave right away but the last time I got physically sick. The client didn’t see or hear anything…” his words tumbled out. “It happened again last night after Riley, but it was worse.”
“How?”
Poor Gabe was starting to wear a path in the grass from walking back and forth so much.
“When we were done I went into the bathroom and jacked off and then I threw up. She saw the whole thing.” Gabe looked up at Shane desperately as if he needed an explanation for his behavior.
“Did she say anything about it?”
“She was upset. She cried and tried to leave. I was mad and embarrassed and tried to explain that it wasn’t about her but I don’t know if she believed me.”
“Maybe you should try talking to her again,” Shane offered.
“And say what to her? Sorry I fucked you but I get off on controlling women during sex but I can’t stand it if they touch me. Or how about that I’d rather jack off in a shower stall then in your beautiful body. Oh yeah, and by the way, I’m so disgusted by what a sick, weak, twisted fuck I am that I need to puke in a toilet before I can even function around you again.”
Gabe stopped pacing and dropped down to the ground, his head on his knees, his hands clasped behind his neck. “I thought that if I could be normal with anyone it would be her, but something inside me just shuts down. I promised myself I wouldn’t use her like I did all the others, but that’s exactly what happened.”
Shane bent down next to him. “You don’t use women Gabe, not the way you’re talking about. Your clients know exactly what they’re signing up for. They know it’s an act and they don’t care what you do or don’t get out of it. As for Riley, that woman was ready to kick your ass the other night for trying to tell her what to do – if she hadn’t wanted to be with you last night she wouldn’t have been.”
Shane dropped down to sit next to him. “Hell, I don’t know what normal is with a woman but what if she can help you figure it out? Maybe it doesn’t always have to be you taking care of someone else. Maybe, it’s okay to trust someone else to give you what you need, even if you don’t know what that is. I saw the way she looked at you that night at the bar and I didn’t see a woman who wanted Gabriel, sex professional extraordinaire, I saw a woman who just wanted Gabe.”
They were silent for a long time and Gabe was glad Shane didn’t push him to respond.
“Hey Gabe, one more thing and then I’ll shut up.” Gabe lifted his eyes and knew that Shane would be able to see the wetness there. “Maybe it’s time to consider letting Gabriel go.”
***
Riley jumped back when the plate she’d been holding slipped from her gasp and shattered at her feet. The diner went silent and all eyes were on her as she bit back tears. Nell hurried up to her, broom and dustpan already in hand.
“Nell, I’m so sorry,” she croaked.
“Now, now, don’t you worry about it darling. It’s just a plate – got hundreds more just like them.” She smiled broadly but when Riley reached to take the broom from her, Nell shooed her away. “I’ll take care of it. Why don’t you go check and see how the folks at the counter are doing?”
Humiliated, Riley drifted behind the counter and grabbed the coffee pot and automatically started refilling mugs. One customer looked at her nervously as she passed and she supposed she deserved it. She’d been a mess from the moment she’d left Gabe’s apartment two nights ago. Her eyes burned from all the tears she’d shed and as soon as she’d walked into the diner, Nell must have been able to tell she’d been crying because she dragged her into a hug and told her things would get better. But she knew they wouldn’t because she was completely and totally in love with Gabe Maddox and he would never feel the same.
She had hoped she would be enough for him, enough of whatever it was he needed to find peace within himself but she had just made things worse – whatever she’d done had made him hurt so bad that he’d become physically ill. He’d made her body come alive and when he had intertwined their fingers, she’d felt like more than just their bodies had merged. But it had all been physical for him and not even good enough that he could let himself go inside her. She wanted to believe what he had said about it not being about her, but that cruel, inner voice that had been implanted in her brain when she was a child reared its ugly head and reminded her that there was no way a woman like her could be enough for a man like Gabe.
“Hey Riley.” She snapped her head up to see Shane settling onto one of the few counter stools available. He was wearing sweats and a tight, white T-shirt that showed off every well-defined muscle. His slightly too long hair was mussed, probably from running his fingers through it, and she could see a shadow of stubble starting to show.
“Hi,” she said as she handed him a menu. She’d never seen him in the diner before so she was instantly suspicious of the timing. He flipped casually through the menu but his eyes never really seemed to actually settle on any one item. “He told you about what happened, didn’t he?” she ventured.
“Yeah, he did.”
Riley felt her cheeks heat in embarrassment.
“Can you take a break and join me for a cup of coffee?” At her hesitation he sent her a charming smiled and she swore he was just seconds from batting his amazing blue eyes at her.
She glanced at her watch and then said, “Let me go make sure it’s okay with Nell.”
When Nell assured her it was fine, Riley motioned to Shane to join her in a back booth that was away from most of the hustle and bustle. Coffee in hand, he dropped down across from her. In some ways he looked so boyish, but she noticed that the carefree tone and happy go lucky smile he flashed never quite reached his eyes.
“Is he okay?” Riley asked. She knew her inquiry was like writing I love him on her forehead but she needed to know.
“No, actually, he’s not. He’s pretty messed up about the other night.”
Riley shook her head and forced back the fresh tears that threatened to fall. “I know, I screwed up…I should have just left him alone like he asked.”
“He’s upset because he thinks he used you.”
That caught her attention and she sat up. “That’s not true! He didn’t!” Shane raised his hands in surrender and she realized she was nearly yelling at him. People turned to look at her again. Shane leaned forward so only she could hear.
“I know that. But it’s what he believes.” When Riley didn’t say anything in response, Shane took a long swig of his coffee. After he returned the mug to the table he leaned back and studied her. She knew he was measuring her, trying to see if she was worthy. “Did he tell you about his mom?” Riley nodded. “So you know what she is?”
Riley nodded again and said, “She was there that night when we got home. I think they had a fight and then she left.”
Shane nodded as if that made perfect sense to him. “Gabe was best friends with my brother Michael. They met in Kindergarten. That was back when his mom was still doing good – she had a good job, they lived in a nice house. His dad was never in the picture so it was just him and his mom. Then she got hooked on the pills and it all went to hell.”
“He said they lost their house.”
“Yeah, he was probably ten, maybe eleven. They ended up moving to a crappy neighborhood and we figured we’d never see him again since he had to switch to a different school. But a week later he shows up at our house on Saturday morning to play basketball just like he’d been doing every day for a couple of years. He’d managed to figure out how the bus system worked.” Shane took another sip of his coffee.
“He and Michael stayed friends all through middle school and then high school. Even though I was three yea
rs younger than them, my brother and Gabe always included me. He never talked about what things were like at home for him but we could tell it was bad. My brother and I went over there once when I was thirteen. My parents had just given Michael a new car after he passed his driving test and he wanted to show it to Gabe.” A cloud came over Shane’s features as he remembered the scene. A part of Riley wanted to ask him to stop because she knew whatever it was would be bad.
“He was surprised to see us, but he let us in. His mom was passed out on the couch, a needle sticking out of her arm. There was some guy there too – he was so out of it he didn’t even notice us, he just kept preparing his drugs. The place was a mess – trash everywhere, roaches crawling around on the floor. It smelled like vomit and rotting food and I thought I was going to puke the second we walked in the door. My brother told Gabe to come home with us, that he was sure he could convince our parents to let Gabe come stay with us. He calmly told my brother he couldn’t, that his mom needed him and then he casually walked over to her and carefully pulled the needle from her arm. She didn’t even wake up.”
Bile rose in Riley’s throat as she pictured a sixteen year old Gabe watching his mother shoot up. “Didn’t he have any other family?”
Shane shook his head. “It was just him and her. Things got worse when he started college. He tried living in the dorm, but she’d call him at all hours begging him to come home because she needed him. He moved back home after his first semester and just took the bus to class every day.” Riley watched him take a deep breath as if steeling himself for what he had to say next.
