by Grace Reagal
I could hear everything in those words. Everything she must have went through to get me here, to get me safe, to get me in a world where I had everything I could ever want. Maybe one day she would tell me that story.
But for now, I let her hold me. I let her hold me without complaining about being too big for hugs like this and having too much homework, and being too busy, and whining: Mom, can you please get out of my room. I just lay against her chest and let her hold me.
And because I can’t help but lighten the moment, I try making a joke, my voice thick with emotion. “You really love me, Mom? Even more than the babies you’re carrying? Are you really sure?”
She gasps out a laugh. “You little rascal.”
I laugh and slide my hand to her stomach, where her bump has gotten even bigger. “When’s your next ultrasound?”
“Next week. You want to come?”
“Of course! Wouldn’t miss seeing these little devils for anything.”
But even as I laugh and smile, I hate that a small part of me whispers, this isn’t going to be the last time you hurt her.
Chapter 28
Caterina
The next day, Valentin doesn’t come to class. I don’t bother asking for him. I feel good when he isn’t here. I don’t feel full of angst and my finger picking habit is like a ghost again.
Although, a small part of me is disappointed—but only because I really want to go on a small adventure again.
Minus the kissing part.
I drop next to Tom in psychology. I am feeling incredible. Happy. Free. Everything is just awesome! I am wearing my comfy gray sweatpants, sneakers and a yellow hoodie that looks horrendous but I love for some reason. Mom had forgotten about yesterday. Dad is letting me go to the football game on Thursday. A couple of teachers are absent. Valentin is absent. I have my gun. I am feelin’ great—
Cat…are you high?
Yeah, I am high…on life!
All of this extra chirpiness must show on my face because Tom shifts in his seat, groaning. He lifts his head up from the desk. “Why are you so…” His face twists in…disgust.
Why is everyone such a Debby Downer in the morning?
“You know, that’s exactly what Mell said this morning. It’s really a wonder how many things you guys have in common!” I beam and clap my hands. “Well, Thomas, since you asked, today is going wonderfully!”
I lift a finger as I look at him with a huge smile. “My gym teacher is absent, one.” I lift a second finger. “I got 105% in the last Chemistry test, two.” I lift a third finger. “My dad didn’t drop me off at school today like I’m in kindergarten, three.” I lift a fourth finger, my pinky. “Tomorrow’s the football game which my dad is…” I trail off not wanting to explain why this is a big deal. Quickly, I lift my thumb and say, “And, finally, but definitely the best…Valentin isn’t here!”
Tom raises an eyebrow, but there is a flash of happiness on his face, as if pleased by something. Likely the fact that Valentin isn’t here because he seems to hate him as much as I do.
Tom is wearing a black t-shirt, black jeans, and black toms. He is in a mood, then.
Hm.
How can I cheer this dark ball of darkness up?
He raises his own finger, scowling. “One, do not call me Thomas. Ever.” His eyes narrow at my twinkling eyes. “Caterina.”
I roll my eyes. “Fine. Fine.”
A smile grows on my face again, thinking about when I was given that magical piece of test paper. I thought I had flopped it. Maybe a ninety or something. The horrors.
I shiver at the thought.
“A hundred and five, can you believe it? Ms. Horwitz barely gives more than a ninety-five.” I smirk, flipping my short hair, and winking at Tom. Something changes in his face and he looks away.
I grin at him. “Well, at least that’s what I’ve heard. My grades say something else.”
I can see the smallest smile appearing on his face. He begrudgingly says, “Fine, fine. For a girl, you’re pretty smart.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”
“I can make that joke, Cat, since I hang out with all girls.”
“That doesn’t even make sense!”
“Yes, it does. It would be misogynistic if I was a jock or something and I was shitting on girls’ intelligence. But…I’m not. I’m basically a girl in the heart.” He taps the right side of his chest.
Is that a joke? Ooh, he’s starting to wake up!
I cough lowly. “Not be a smartass or anything, but that’s not where your heart is.”
“I know. I was just testing you. No wonder you’re also doing good in Anatomy.”
I smirk. “I am, aren’t I?”
He raises an eyebrow. “What’s with the arrogance and lack of humility today?” His words are light and humoring.
I fake-growl at him. “Oh, shut up. It’s not a crime to be happy about grades.” He still watches me with judgmental eyes, knowing that will get to me.
Quickly, without thinking, I swipe his glasses and place them on my face.
He winces. “Give those back, Kitty!”
I smirk, looking around the room.
My eyes start to hurt quickly. “Whooooaaa, you’re blind.”
He groans. “Exactly why I wear glasses. People with perfect vision just don’t understand that if people who don’t have twenty/twenty vision could see without glasses, they wouldn’t need the them to begin with.”
“Okay, okay. I was just saying…” I rub my temples. “Your prescription is strong. Like mega strong. Like it’s a wonder you’re not completely blind kind of strong—” He tries to get his glasses again but I move away, sliding on the seat. “No. No. No, Tom!” I try to look at the board in front of the room but all the letters are blurry. “Like, I knew you were blind…just not this blind.” I am starting to have a strong headache and my vision is going painfully blurry.
I turn and looked at Tom. Lowering my voice like his, I say, “Hello, my name is Thomas Hennings and I’m a nerd who likes Star Wars and uh…” I move the glasses to my forehead, “Wait, what else do you like again?”
His lips lift up in a smile. “You suck. You know that?” He rubs his eyes, blinking at me as if he’s not really seeing me.
I narrow my eyes at him. “You look good without your glasses…sort of like…Scott McCall.”
He shakes his head, confused. “Who?”
I raise an eyebrow. “You know, Teen Wolf?”
There is still puzzlement on his sweet, innocent face. I lean forward and pat his shoulder. “Oh, you poor, poor soul. You haven’t met the love of your life yet.”
“And who would that be…?”
“Stiles, of course. Most handsome, amazing boy ever.”
His face twists in disgust, while also blushing at the same time. “Kitty, I’m not gay.”
“You—” I burst out laughing, tilting my head back. “You think it has anything to do with your sexual preference?” Tears basically run down my face as my laughter grows even louder. Finally, I look at Tom, taking off the glasses and setting them on my lap. “You fall in love with Stiles and Jackson because they’re awesome. Doesn’t matter if you’re straight, gay, bi, asexual—”
Before I can say or move, Tom swipes the glasses from my lap, grumbling. “Shut up.”
“Okay, I’m sorry for trying to introduce you to the best show ever.” I raise my hands in surrender.
Tom cleans his glasses with the hem of his shirt and puts them on carefully. He watches me with narrowed eyes. “If you watch Game of Thrones, I’ll watch,” his lips curl downward in disgust, “your wolf thing.”
I nod, grab his hand, and shake it. “It’s a deal.”
From the front of the room, Mr. Chen’s voice booms. “Get out your homework.” I twirl and face Tom. “Wait…we had homework?” My heart starts going thump thump.
He looks like he’s about to burst out laughing. He swipes his curly jet black hair from his eyes and adjusts his glas
ses for the hundredth time. “If your morals and principles will allow you, you can copy mine.”
***
The rest of the day goes wonderfully swell, with at least four people asking me if I am high.
Granted, one of them had simply asked with an appreciative, knowing nod saying, “Which dealer?”
Obviously puzzled, I had asked him to elaborate. In a hushed voice, he had said, “You seem like you’re on a good high, dude. I just wanna get some. Come on, share the wealth.” When it became clear I had no idea whatsoever what he was talking about, he had, rightfully so, fled.
It is so strange why everyone finds it weird for someone to be happy. Okay, I mean I am a little freakishly happy but sometimes life is good, you know? And it needs to be thanked and treasured because in what seems like a fraction of a second, it might break.
And it does.
***
Once again, only Mom is in the car.
Something big has to have come up for Dad to miss so many days.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Hi, baby.” She gives me a quick kiss on the cheek as I slide in.
Aunt Raven turns from the passenger seat. “How’s my favorite niece doing?” She groans. “Oh, shit. Don’t tell Beth and Evon—”
“Auntie!” I lunge for her and embrace her tightly. I haven’t seen her in a while because she’d gone on a business trip for the past week.
She laughs, hugging me just as tightly back. She smells like a sweet perfume that I knew could seduce any man in sight. “I missed you too, Kitty. How’s school going?”
I finally sit back in the seat, buckling in my seat belt. “Not bad. So far, senior year has been a rollercoaster that only goes up, my friend.”
RIP Augustus.
She laughs, her voice filling the whole car. “You’re something else Kitty, you know that?” Mom smiles at her as she gets out of the parking lot, but there seems to be something strange about it, as if something might be wrong.
Always overthinking things, Cat.
“I brought you some books from Cali. And the state is gorgeous, Cat, we have to go there sometime. And you should really consider adding Stanford on your list of schools because it’s incredible!”
“Fine, I’ll check it out.” I laugh.
Aunt Raven is my idol in life. She rocks everything about her and her body and is never ashamed of anything. Her hair, which is in a black pixie cut, and in curly waves, gives her a badass kind of look, and since she always wears long leather boots, it always works. She could pull off anything no one else could, simply because she has the confidence. I want that.
And the way she is protective of her son and husband…it makes her even more awesome. Although sometimes she gets too heated about it, I love that nature of her.
When I was seven she got into a fist fight at the grocery store because a lady made a comment about Kennedy being black. And before Uncle Smoke had come to pull her off, she had made that woman say, granted screaming, “Yes, yes. He’s the most adorable baby I’ve ever seen!”
She’d toned down that part of her personality but whenever we bring it up in the family once in a while, it’s the most hilarious thing ever. None of us ever looks twice at Kennedy because he is darker than say, me. Although most, once they knew who Uncle Smoke is, don’t dare utter a word against his son.
Aunt Raven had found Kennedy dropped off at her family’s doorstep when she’d gone back to Cape Verde to visit her family years and years ago. The people who had dropped him off had known she was going to visit somehow, knew she was a really rich guy’s wife, and had taken the chance that she would take him.
And she had. “I fell in love with that bundle of joy the first time I laid my eyes on him,” is how she describes Kennedy. Which isn’t hard to understand since I had fallen in love with that little boy too. He is the sweetest and cutest thing ever. He is the exact definition of puppy eyes and the word “aw.” No one in the family can ever stay mad at him.
And my uncle…well, let’s just say he hadn’t been ecstatic to have a baby only months into their marriage. But he’d seen it. He’d seen how happy Kennedy had made her, how although she’d said for all her life she was more than happy being an aunt to three nieces, she wanted to be a mom. And without one argument, he’d accepted it.
That’s how much he loves her.
I honestly don’t know if I could ever choose if asked which man loves their wife more: my dad, Uncle Ken, or Uncle Smoke…or any of my other uncles really. The love in our family runs strong, potent and powerful.
And more than powerful: eternal. It is strange and I am sure that it doesn’t apply to most families.
Which is why my jaw drops when my aunt drops the atomic bomb in the car.
“I’m divorcing Smoke.”
Chapter 29
Caterina
I can’t breathe.
Aunt Raven and Uncle Smoke are a ship that sails and doesn’t sink. They are destined for each other. She keeps him on track and he makes her happy. They are the most loving parents to Kennedy. They are yin and yang. Alpha and Omega. They bring laughter to a room.
They are everything.
How…
Why in the world…
And how could I have not known?
Mom screeches the car to a stop, literally stopping in the middle of the highway, and then swerving to go to the very right lane for broken cars. “What?”
Beeping from every direction fills my ears. I grab my seatbelt for dear life. “Mom! What are you doing?” Cars swerve past us, most with the accompaniment of swearing and intense honking.
“The fuck, lady?”
“Bitch, you’re on a fucking highway!”
“Are you crazy?”
Aunt Raven calmly turns toward Mom, as if death isn’t around the corner. “Jess, I don’t think this situation is wise.”
“Oh, really, Raven? And your decision that’s going to change our whole lives isn’t?”
“I didn’t say that. And I was going to explain if you would let me, Jess.”
Aunt Raven must have glanced at me because Mom scoffs. “The whole family is going to know soon anyway, right?”
I look out the window. “Okay, guys, I don’t want to interrupt your conversation but like…we’re on the highway…would it be too much to ask you to start driving, Mom, and we can stop somewhere…not here?” Cars are barely missing us by a couple of inches. My heart leaps into my throat each time.
This is totally illegal and crazy and suicidal and the police are going to be here soon if they think the car is broken.
Both my mom and my aunt ignore me. Their words are quiet and angry and I’d never heard them like that before. All I can think is: My mother is crazy. She’s insane, she’s actually insane. Like, I will never mess with her again. We’re going to die. Oh, my God.
Finally, Raven turns to face me and her face softens. She turns back to Mom. “If you want me to say anything about it, start driving. Kitty looks like she’s about to have a heart attack.”
Mom looks at Raven for a long moment before revving the engine. She’s either been ignoring all the honking and screaming from other cars or she hasn’t heard it because of the shocking news. “Sorry, Cat.” But I can tell her heart isn’t in it.
I lie back, my eyes shut closed and my heart hammering. I don’t know from what: the fact that we could have just died or the fact that I have a feeling someone might die tonight.
When we get off the highway Aunt Raven starts speaking. “He and I are not on the same page, Jess. And we’ll never be. I realize that now. We rushed into everything—”
“You knew Smoke for more than seven years—”
“It’s more than that.”
“What is it, then?” My mom’s voice is hard and demanding, like I rarely hear it.
Aunt Raven quiets and turns to look out the window. “He wants kids. I don’t. I don’t want to go into everything now.”
“Really?” There is a cruelness in Mom�
�s voice that makes even me wince. We hit a bump and the car bounces as if Mom had made the curve on the road. “And what about Kennedy?”
“I love him to bits and pieces but he’s going to be my only child.”
“And you’re going to take him with you?”
Her reply was a whisper. “Yes.”
Mom laughs, the sound high and vicious. “You really think he’s going to let his only son leave with the woman he loves?”
Suddenly, anger fills me.
Why is Mom being so adamant with this?
People get married and separated all the time. I grit my teeth and interrupt her. “Mom, I don’t think this is your decision.”
Aunt Raven lays her hand on mine and squeezes as if telling me it is okay.
Mom’s eyes flicker to mine and her laugh stops abruptly, sadness filling her features. “You’re right, baby.”
The anger dissipates in me and confusion replaces it.
What is making my mom, the sweetest and kindest person in our whole family, act so mean? Especially to someone she loves?
Surely she doesn’t have loyalties with Uncle Smoke that much.
I love my uncle to death and I know he is going to be hurt and shocked by this. But Mom is supposed to be Aunt Raven’s friend. She and Aunt Chloe are supposed to be in their best friend’s corner, no matter what.
Her face softens and she glances at her best friend. “Rave, I’m sorry, but—” Now her voice just sounds afraid.
I have no idea why. My eyebrows pull in together and my heart is beating fast for some reason unknown to me.
Are people who want to get divorced this scared? And are their friends and families this scared?
Aunt Raven takes a calm breath as if she has expected this. She tucks in a curl behind her ear. “I love you, Jess, and you know I would support you with anything. I always have. I made my decision. And I’m going to tell the whole family because I don’t think he’ll take me seriously if I tell him alone. I need your support in this. I know it’s going to be hard to…escape. I can’t do it without you and C. I need you to choose me over them, and I know that’s hard—”
