by Grace Reagal
“Why not?”
“Because…because…that’s like a friendzone word.”
“But we are friends. And he’s cute, so are you. So am I. So is everyone. What’s the matter?”
She sighs. “Jesus, you’re so clueless.”
“About what?”
She shakes her head. “Never mind! Let’s get to homeroom before it’s too late.”
I jog after her. “No, tell me.”
“Nah, you’ll figure it out one day. Did you bring extra shorts for Gym?”
“Yea, you need them?”
“You mind?”
“Nope.” It sinks in that I still haven’t returned her shirt she lent me a while ago. “And I’ll get your shirt back soon.”
“Take it. You need something revealing.”
“Hey, my clothes are cute.”
“Cute…there’s that word again.” She smirks. Then, kissing me on my cheek, she says, “Adios!” and goes into her homeroom.
What…what is wrong with the word “cute?”
***
Our eyes meet from across the room of the cafeteria.
Mell is making up a test that she has avoided for a month and Tom is doing something “vital” in the computer lab. So I’m alone. I’m fine with being alone.
Or so I thought.
Trying to hide from Cassie and her herd isn’t easy but I have managed to find a hidden corner booth in the back.
So I don’t know how our eyes found each other.
He is leaning down, playing arm wrestle with a guy who looks like he is constipated. Their friends are circled around them chanting some douchey chant.
His eyes are unwavering as they hold mine. My burger which was supposed to be bitten into seconds ago is…not.
Valentin isn’t smirking. There is no anger or hatred in his face.
And best of all: no pity.
God how I hate pity.
His eyes are almost kind.
Almost.
And I almost don’t hate it. I almost trust him.
Almost.
I bite into the burger slowly, so slowly that I taste the lettuce and tomato and mayo and the meat all at once. And just as slowly, I lift my thumb and wipe the mayo from the corner of my mouth. And still with our eyes locked together, I take my thumb and wrap my lips around it.
I suck the mayo off.
I look for any reaction on Valentin’s face. But the only thing that happens next is Valentin slamming the other guy’s hand down against the table so hard that the noise echoes around the room.
“The fuck, man? You almost broke my arm!”
Valentin simply cracks his knuckles and steps away. His whole body seems tense.
I know we’re looking at each other for far too long. So much so that some people have started to look at what had Valentin Nikolaev so captured.
There are hollers and jeers thrown at the guy, who flips them off.
Suddenly someone blocks Valentin from my view and the eye contact is broken.
I shake my head.
What just happened?
A shiver runs down my back. I don’t know if it’s from fear or excitement. But I welcome it because it is a fudge you to my parents.
I can’t continue to eat. My stomach is fluttering too much.
Ever since the first day of school, I have considered Valentin a monster. I haven’t allowed myself to look beyond his beauty.
And now…everyone tells me he is a monster. Tom knows something that he isn’t telling me and because of that he has a deep hatred for him. Mell hates him and his brother and his group of friends.
But I can’t deny that he saved me this past Friday night.
He had been there for me when no one was.
He had calmed me down.
And before I told him it was a panic attack, I swear I heard serious worry in his voice. He had offered to come to where I was and rescue me.
Maybe he’s changed.
Or maybe you’re getting a weird form of Stockholm Syndrome.
I don’t realize that I have stopped eating until I hear. “Finish your lunch and we’ll leave.”
Him.
His voice is right behind me. I can feel his breath on my neck. I bite down a smile. “Where?”
“Somewhere to give you a break from all of this bullshit.”
I look straight ahead, not turning to face him. “How do you know I need a break?”
“Because someone does not just have a panic attack because she feels suffocated by her life and then bounce back in a couple of days. You need to breathe, Kitten. And I know just the place.” His lips press lightly against my ear. His voice surrounds my whole body. “So finish your lunch. And then come with me.”
It’s scary how he knows something about me that I’ve never told anyone. Suffocated. It’s a word I haven’t said out loud.
I swallow hard and nod. I whisper, “Okay.”
He moves around and slides into the booth across from me. He’s dressed casually in a black wife beater and jeans. I can see tattoos circling his biceps and down to his wrist. It was like a sleeve, gosh. There are more sneaking from his shirt. I have no doubt that his chest is littered with them. I mean Uncle Smoke has a lot, but he’s like, forty. He is allowed to do that. This boy is like seventeen. And I’m sure he was trying to be cool when he got them. And he’s wearing a baseball cap backward. Wow, he is so cool.
I smirk, and wave at it, taking a bite of my burger. “Are you trying to be ‘bad’?”
Valentin smiles, not seeming surprised at my snark. “Babe, I don’t need clothes to show people I’m bad.” He winks.
“Uh huh,” I say continuing to eat. I still have my smirk on my face.
He shakes his head with a knowing grin like I have no idea what I’m talking about. And I’m sure he’s right. He is bad.
Very, very bad.
In sexual ways and in criminal ways. And right now, I love it.
I know it’s crazy.
He watches me eat, leaning back against the booth. He intertwines his hands behind his neck and watches me casually. There’s something so sexual about that too.
Do panic attack aftermaths always make you this dirty, Cat?
I take a sip of my milk as I start clearing up the mess of the burger I made.
You make a mess of everything you eat.
“I’ve started writing the essay part for the project, by the way.”
He cocks his head. “Have you fallen in love with me that quickly?”
I scoff. “You wish. And that wasn’t the objective of the project so we don’t need to wait until pigs fly to complete our assignment, thank God.”
That was actually a pretty good pun/joke, if I must say so myself.
Valentin smirks, his eyes twinkling, “Kitten, are you telling me—” he leans forward on the table, humor in his voice, “that you don’t like me a little bit more than you did at the beginning of the year?” He narrows his eyes and puts his thumb and forefinger close together.
I raise my eyes and face him head-on. “You stopped coming into my locker room while I was changing, so that was a start. And you stopped doing immature things, like stuffing things in my locker so that also helped.” I shrugged. “But that’s not really Love 101 is it?”
“And I gave you back your gun. And I stopped making fun of you. And I broke up with Cassie. And I told the whole school to back off of you…”
Valentin’s voice is almost serious now as he regards me carefully. “Kitten, I’m starting to like you too.”
My heart ricochets against my other organs like a bouncy ball.
What is happening?
I give him a chance to laugh, to say it’s a joke.
But he simply watches me, with those calculating green eyes. He scans my face for any reaction. Before I can give him any hint, I jump up from the table. “Done.”
Startled, he looks up at me. “What?”
I beam at him and start throwing the trash away. “I’m done. Let
’s get going.”
“Uh…”
I throw Valentin a smile, completely disregarding everything he said moments ago.
Cat, that’s not the best way to deal with things.
Well, it worked on Chase!
I walk quickly out of the cafeteria. Valentin jogs up behind me. “We can’t go out the front door, Kitten.”
“Oh, okay.” I turn and start bouncing toward the other direction.
I hear Valentin laugh behind me. He grabs my wrist and pulls me toward him. I turn and look up at him. “All right, sorry, sorry, jeez. Lead the way, all-knowing Lord.”
He smiles. “I like that nickname.”
“Don’t get used to it, douchebag.”
He looks at me attentively. “Kitten, did you know you’re the only person, other than my friends who are allowed to call me that?” He pulls me through a small door near the stairway. The hall is dark and small.
I let him lead. “No, I didn’t know that. The more you know, I guess. And actually…”
I trail off as he pushes the door that says:
EXIT ONLY FOR STAFF.
I’m such a rebel.
Bright sunlight streams through and I cover my eyes so as not to go blind.
The way we had come through is directly across from the train station.
Valentin doesn’t let go of my wrist until I shake him off.
“Actually what?” he asks.
We start crossing the street. “I only mean that you get very violent when I bring up a topic you don’t like so…I wouldn’t say that I’m allowed everything with you.”
He puts an arm in front of me to block my movement as a car passes by. “Be careful.”
I roll my eyes. “I saw it.”
His voice is low. “It only takes a second of carelessness to kill.”
I nod slowly. “All right…good to know.” We enter the station and this time, he taps his card twice to let both of us in.
I guess I can’t be trusted enough to do it myself this time.
“Kitten, this city is dangerous if you’re a seventeen-year-old pretty girl wandering around. And it’s even more dangerous when you’re not paying attention.”
I try to catch up with him as we jog up the stairs to the platform. For some reason, his comment angers me.
Everyone thinks I am breakable and naïve and need protecting.
Poor, small, naïve little Kitten.
“Thanks for letting me know, but I’ve lived here my entire life.”
“No, you have lived with your parents in a bubble that protected you. You live in a place in New York but you have not lived in this city, trust me.”
I scoff, scowling. I stop when we reach the top. “Are you kidding me? Are you really schooling me on my home city? When you came from Russia, like, five years ago?”
He shrugs, like every word that comes out of his mouth isn’t utter crap.
He’s telling the truth though…
That’s not the point, darn it.
“Kitten, I know more about the world than you. That is a fact. Do not get mad at me because of your own bubble. I can help you, but you have to trust me and you have to listen to my directions. Otherwise, I can’t get you out.” He leans against the wall, his arms crossed.
“Fine.” I huff and turn away from him.
I look at the train tracks with extreme intensity.
I don’t know if the anger is directed at Valentin or at my parents for making me so clueless.
“It’s not your fault, Kitten.” I hear behind me.
I don’t answer him.
“They probably just wanted to protect you.”
Now he is defending them? When I’m pretty sure he hates them?
I see the train arriving from afar.
“Come on, Kitten, you cannot be mad now.” His voice comes closer. “Not when I am taking you to a place only a few know.”
My curiosity takes over and I turn slowly. My mouth is still in a grim line. “Continue.”
He smiles and winks. The train pulls up roaring.
Valentin whispers in my ear, “You will see.” He takes my hand and pulls me into the train.
He sits and pulls me on his lap.
I yell, “No! What in the world are you doing?” I can see people giving us looks.
He starts laughing. “I am not going to kill you.”
His laugh is contagious but I force myself to look serious. “You could have fooled me based on some of our previous interactions.”
He chuckles. “That is behind us now, yes? I think we are becoming friends, Kitten.” His eyes narrow as he leans toward me. I scootch away from him as the train starts moving. “And that scares the fuck out of you,” he says.
“No.”
“No what?”
“Just no.”
He grins, watching me. It seems that he never takes his eyes off me. “I think you will change your mind after today.”
Chapter 40
Caterina
After about ten minutes, Valentin says, “We get out here.”
I uncurl myself from my position looking out the window. When the train doors open, he pulls me up and, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, leads me out before the crowd of New Yorkers rush in.
This time, he doesn’t leave me. And for that, I’m glad.
I cling on to him in case something tries to separate us. I know, it seems pathetic. But it really is a big city.
You can’t survive here alone, dude.
Yea, well we’ll see.
When we get out of the station, I look around me in complete awe.
I here Valentin mutter, “Jesus Christ, this dramatic pause again?”
“Be quiet, please.”
He says something foreign. Probably cursing me out. It isn’t my fault. Everything is just so beautiful when I’m not being watched. It’s incredible when all my senses can experience such a stunning scene without watchful eyes and bodyguards around me. Now, I’m not some poor girl chained to her room for all her life but…basically I’m a poor girl chained to her room for all of her life.
My parents take me everywhere. From parks to theaters to museums to any place a tourist would want to visit and other places where most people aren’t allowed. Most of the time it’s for educational purposes, but others were for entertainment. I was out often, but it just wasn’t the same as right now. With my parents, they were always watching me, bodyguards were behind me, and reporters around us. I couldn’t get away with any real reactions that weren’t going to be aired out to the public. And any parties I went to were never like the homecoming dance of my high school. They were with super rich, super stuck up, super fake, groups of people.
Uhm, that was kind of the homecoming dance though.
I’m trying to make a point, if you don’t mind here.
My parents only made me go to dances and balls when I was a little girl; I actually enjoyed them at that point in my life. You know, I got to dress up, look like my mommy, and laugh about cooties with Fran when the boys tried to ask us for a dance.
I even went to one in Italy once. It was grand and extravagant. The ground was cobblestone, and the streets close together and cozy. Lights were strung in front of shops and restaurants, and laughter jingled above the towns. Other than that though, I don’t remember much about that night.
But now, I feel truly free. And I know that’s weird to say because…it’s with Valentin. The person who has done so many horrible things to me and who I know if he had the chance would do a lot more bad things to me now.
Because at the end of the day, he told me straight up in the beginning that he wanted three things from me.
And the first was my virginity.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that for the past couple of days. At first, I couldn’t even say the word. But it’s different now. Because my parents…they have done the unforgivable and the unthinkable. They are going to allow my aunt to be hurt in their screwed-up family business shenanigans.
A family. We are supposed to be a family. But they are going to let her be hurt. And they allowed me to be hurt too. And the only person that I have that understands right now is Valentin.
So I look around right now, and the city is just so beautiful. Even in the middle of the day, lights are everywhere. OPEN signs light up stores; there are tourists with their big backpacks and wide smiles and cameras around their necks; taxis are beeping everywhere; people rush to get to their destinations.
And I feel like I might be one of the tourists since it seems like I’m seeing this city for the first time.
I turn to Valentin. “I think, one day, I am going to get a camera.”
“Why is that?” He humors me with a small smile playing on his lips.
I don’t care that it seems ridiculous. “I want to go everywhere in New York by myself and visit all the big places and take all the touristy pictures and be…normal for once.”
He nods slowly. “That sounds…nice.”
I laugh, but it’s humorless. “You don’t think it’s going to happen.”
“No, I don’t. Not soon anyway.”
I nod, but my heart is sinking. “Yea, okay. I was just thinking out loud. Let’s go.”
As we walk down the blocks of stone pavement, I don’t even ask where we’re going. I’m too enchanted by the buildings and people walking past us. So many people on their phones and women who look so gorgeous. The story of the camera is long forgotten.
“Pretty lady, pretty lady, can you please spare me a couple of dollars?”
I look around for the low voice. I see a man in a corner of the building, balled up in himself. He has a large blanket around him and a tin can sits off to one side. All his belongings are in a heap beside him.
When our eyes catch I can’t help but feel immense sadness. His eyes…they’re downcast and full of shame.
I wonder how many times he’s asked for money at people passing by today and they’ve all looked away.
I give him a soft smile and a nod.
I tug at Valentin’s arm. “Hey, do you…” I’ve stopped walking now.
Valentin raises an eyebrow. “Do I what?”
I worry my lip as I shove my hands into my pockets. “I just…I left my wallet and phone at school and stuff so…”
