by Lara Swann
“It was all just fake. He’s not really my fiance and I’m not actually joining anyone’s family. Derek is in my classes at college and he offered to pay for that trip if I’d come here first and…” I pause for one brief moment, unable to stop myself from glancing over at him. I feel terrible about telling everyone this, after it was our secret for so long, but…fuck, they’re all going to know now anyway. At the last minute, I try to at least make it sound better. For him. So that maybe his parents will be a little less pissed. “…and help him. He—he wanted to see what it was like, the traditions and ceremonies around choosing a Princesca, because he never had and—and his brother has done several times.”
I throw that in there, not looking at Nicolas either, because I figure the obvious adversity between them will make it more convincing. I’m fucking bad at lying, but I try and skim past it. It’s more important that my parents believe my part in it. And, fuck it, I’ll probably tell them Derek’s real reasons later anyway. I’m not lying to them again. But that doesn’t mean I have to throw Derek under the bus.
“I’m sorry.” I repeat. “I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d think it was wrong and stupid - and you’d be right, and I didn’t want to hear it. But if I got engaged - really engaged - you’d be the first people I’d tell. Well, maybe after Carly, but then she’s probably already going to know and—”
I take a deep breath, realize I’m just babbling now, and force myself to stop. I want to see some hint of understanding or something in my parents’ faces, but it’s not quite that easy. I don’t think this is going to be easy for any of us to get over.
So I just repeat myself. Say it again. The words that I’ve been avoiding admitting to myself this whole time.
“It was just fake.” I assure them. “An arrangement. A stupid bet gone wrong. It wasn’t…real.”
And the whole time, I want Derek to say something. I want him to say that actually, something changed for him as well. It might have started that way…but now, maybe he’s a little less sure. Like I’m a little less sure.
It’s not the right time or the right place, it would confuse everyone and they’re already just about at boiling point, but that stupid, stubborn part of me still wants to hear something. Even though I know it couldn’t work.
It doesn’t come, and I don’t look at him.
Instead, Mom looks around between us all. Some of the anger seems to have vanished, but there’s still a lot behind it that I don’t want to think about.
“I think…we should go home now, Hanna.”
My Dad nods, avoiding looking back at the King or any of the royal family. I nod, feeling something wrench out of me as I do.
Home. America.
The thing that was always going to happen.
They turn to leave, but I can’t quite - not quite like that. I take a deep breath, and try to screw up my courage.
Then I look back at the King.
“I’m sorry.” I say, even though it’s stupid and pathetic and small compared to everything Derek and I just did.
“I…shouldn’t have lied to you. We really didn’t think it would go that far - we thought you’d reject me offhand.” I give a little laugh, then shrug. “You almost did, you know. But…I never meant for this to happen. And I’m sorry.”
I turn before he has a chance to reply, hoping to leave before I have to deal with that.
My parents are waiting for me by the door, and I don’t look at Nicolas or Derek as I walk out. No one says anything.
We walk through the castle, through the people I’ve spent the last few days trying to help find accommodation for, and they look at us with curiosity, but they don’t have a clue what just happened.
No one comes after us.
And the last thing I think, as I follow my parents - awkward and upset and totally ashamed - is that I never got to say goodbye to Derek the way that I wanted to.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Derek
My parents are furious, of course.
Everyone is.
My family, the court, the random people around the castle that I didn’t even know Hanna knew who don’t quite know what happened, but think it’s all my fault anyway.
I’m glad they’re right about that, at least. The last thing I want is for anyone to blame Hanna for all of this.
My parents yell at me - for once, they actually full-blown yell. And I’m the one that doesn’t yell back.
I don’t do much of anything.
They lecture me about responsibilities and my country and my position and how I’ve made a mockery of the whole thing.
I don’t say anything. I apologize, once or twice, but I think they get tired of hearing it, so then I shut up again.
There’s not much more I can do. I fucked up.
But that’s not surprising. One way or another, I always seem to fuck up. They’ll either accept it or they won’t, and I can deal with whichever happens.
None of it seems to matter anymore.
Hanna isn’t here, and I…can’t bring myself to care.
It takes me by surprise - how empty and alone and pointless I feel without her walking down the corridors smiling wickedly, or rolling around in bed making idle conversation that sticks with me the next day, or relaxing into my arms after a particularly stressful day. Even over the last few days when I’ve barely seen her…simply knowing she was there seemed to make a difference.
And, somehow, I didn’t expect to react this way.
I thought it would be okay, if she went home. I mean, I knew it was going to happen. We had an amazing summer, and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same because of it - in a good way. I got to take her away for a few days before everything blew up, after I knew how I felt and could just spend the time fully enjoying it - enjoying her. It wasn’t a bad way to say goodbye.
So I had plenty of time to prepare. And I always knew it would go this way. Hanna doesn’t want to be a Princess. She wants her own life, in America, and she doesn’t want to have to deal with my crazy family or stupid traditions.
Sure, it was totally shit at the end. Her parents coming to get her was about the worst thing I could think of to happen - and I hated that I couldn’t stop the explosion between them and my father. The look on her face when she saw how all this had affected them, too…
So, yeah, it sucked. It wasn’t how I would have liked her to leave. But it was also just as obvious that her parents really care about her, and she wants to make things right…so I also know they’ll get over it, probably together like families are supposed to, and it will be fine. There’s nothing I can do about it, anyway, and if I even thought about interfering…well, there’s no doubt I’d just make it worse.
I know it’s all over between us.
It’s just…I didn’t think it would knock me completely sideways like this.
It’s left me…feeling nothing at all. Struggling for any of the spark or interest I was starting to feel towards Aldora, and Nicolas, and some of the potential we might have to change things for the better. None of that seems to matter so much anymore, even though part of me knows that it should.
Instead, all I’m thinking about is Hanna.
And the impossible.
And anything and everything I could possibly do to change what’s happened between us.
I have moments - a lot of moments - where I just want to leave Aldora.
I come up with outlandish plans and ideas, and I come closer and closer to saying ‘fuck it’ and doing something.
Something foolish and reckless and impossibly tempting.
Something a lot like giving up my family and people and royalty and everything I’ve struggled against for my whole life - to go and live in America with Hanna. If she doesn’t want to be a Princess…well, I’ve never wanted to be a Prince either.
It could work.
And it’s the only thought I have that makes me feel anything.
It would be worth it - I know it would. But I don
’t quite do it…because I don’t actually know that Hanna would want it.
She said all along this was a simple summer fling - and I keep thinking about the way she told her parents, over and over again, that it was all fake. An arrangement. A stupid bet.
Giving up Aldora and royalty for Hanna? I think I’d do it in a heartbeat.
Giving it up to find out she’s not interested and I’ve lost everything…that’s harder to swallow.
I go back and forward on it in my mind constantly. It’s the only thing I can think about.
Hanna. And how we could turn a summer fling and two completely different lives into something real. Something that might work.
I spend a week in limbo like that - hoping that this desperate need will pass, and it will get better, and I’ll somehow feel like I can move on with my life without Hanna. Even as it only gets worse.
But it’s not until I actually get to say it out loud that I realize just how much I want it. How much I want her. And that opportunity comes in form I never would have expected a few weeks ago.
“So what are you going to do, Derek?”
I look up from where I’ve been staring into the sea with my arms braced against the castle ramparts, as the door to the stairwell opens behind me. I give Nicolas a blank look - I find I’m getting better at this Aldoran impassivity now that I have nothing to be excited about anymore.
“About what?” I ask, though I’m not really interested.
He, at least, hasn’t been yelling at me. I kind of expected him to go back to that - or if not yelling, giving me lots of disapproving looks - but we seem to have maintained our ability to talk to each other. Small miracles.
Yeah, miracles in the form of Hanna.
“Hanna.” He says her name almost in time with my thought, and I look up at him, not entirely sure I heard correctly.
“What?”
Hanna is pretty much anathema right now. If I mention her around my father, he goes into a blind rage, and my mother gets typically disappointed in me, and anyone else…they look a little like I feel. Slightly bereft. Not quite in the same way…but I was surprised to see what a difference she’d obviously made to the castle.
“Hanna’s gone.” I say, not sure I’m up for this conversation.
“And you’re not going to do anything about it?”
I stare at him. I wouldn’t have thought he would think there was anything to do about it. I mean, it’s all I’ve been thinking about all week, but…it’s pretty clear cut what the official royal stance is.
“What is there to do?” I ask, as if this wasn’t the question that’s constantly going around in my mind. “Everything is pretty…final. After what happened, father has made it clear that she’s not welcome in Aldora, it’s only a matter of time before the court officially withdraw their approval - likely as soon as father has the guts to tell them what happened - and…she’s back in America. Living her life - the one she wants - not the one of an Aldoran Princesca.”
There’s only one of those that actually matters to me - and unbelievably, my unfeeling, unemotional brother manages to pick up on exactly that.
“How do you know that’s what she wants?”
“You heard her.” I say, running a hand through my hair as the image comes to mind again - the one that I can’t get out of my head. “This was all fake, Nicolas. I know what it seemed, but…it was an arrangement. She told me dozens of times that she didn’t want to be a Princess.”
He’s silent for a long moment, and he comes to stand beside me, leaning over the ramparts too.
“Was it fake for you?” He finally asks.
The knot in my stomach tightens, and I don’t say anything as I glare out at the rising sun. I haven’t been able to sleep, and I’ve spent far too many late nights or early mornings up here, staring out at sea. At another country. Another place. Things I can’t have.
It doesn’t matter whether it was fake for me. Not if she doesn’t want any of this.
The silence stretches between us, until I think the conversation has passed entirely.
“She was a good Princesca.”
The recognition surprises me. I’m not sure I’ve heard anyone say that, even when it was going well. I mean, I was starting to get the impression she was starting to really be considered, but…still.
“Hanna’s good at anything she does. It doesn’t mean—”
“Maybe not.” He agrees, and the stupid blossoming hope curls back in on itself again. For a moment there, I thought he was urging me to— “But, maybe it does.”
I pause. I’ve already had these discussions with myself - endlessly. But somehow talking to Nicolas…gives everything a slightly more real feel. Makes it more than just crazy fantasies and imaginings, and into something with real weight to it.
I’m prone to flights of fancy, to wishing for things to be different, to thinking of how things could be.
Nicolas…he only talks about how things are. So if he’s talking about this…he actually means what he’s saying. He knows what’s on my mind, and he isn’t discouraging me in the slightest. If anything, quite the opposite.
I don’t really understand it, but I can feel my pulse tick up for the first time in over a week, and something in my blood thrills at that idea of maybe.
But it’s still impossible to believe he’s actually thinking what I am.
“If I go after her, father will probably kick me out of the country or something.” I say, because I’m done talking around the issue. If he’s actually considering this - I want to know. If I’ve got it wrong somehow…well, I know he’ll balk at that comment.
He doesn’t.
Instead he just looks over, almost casually, and raises an eyebrow. That imitation of my gesture looks strange on his usually impassive face, but it somehow makes the point better than anything else.
“And you wouldn’t want that?” He asks.
I pause again, as he articulates the other thing that’s confusing all this, that had somehow not even worked its way through my subconscious. I’ve thought about going after Hanna so many times since she left, even just to find out if there was any way for it to be real. But, despite spending my whole life wishing I’d never been born as a Prince of Aldora…I’m not sure that’s true anymore.
I’m not sure what it was - maybe Hanna’s wonder at my country, maybe Nicolas and the idea that things might change here, or fuck maybe even the growing up that my parents have been looking for for years. But now that I have such a good reason to go…I’m not sure whether I could do it, just abandon my country entirely.
Nicolas waits for me to think about it, and he doesn’t seem surprised when I shake my head.
“No. Not anymore.”
Instead, he glances over, with what might be a very small smile.
“Well, if you get kicked out…it will only be until I’m King.”
I look up, totally surprised. Nicolas is confusing me more and more. I understand me wanting to choose Hanna over my country and family, but…
“I didn’t even know you liked her, you know.” I say quietly.
“I find her…different.” He says, with a small shrug. “And she still has a lot to learn about Aldoran customs. But…maybe she’s what you need.”
I blink again. What I need. I didn’t think Nicolas ever thought about something other than what the country needs. I say so, as well.
“When has it ever been about what I need? Hell, we have a million and one traditions for choosing a Princesca, and not one of them involves thinking about what the Prince might want.”
“And you know what I think about that.” Nicolas says, a little tightly.
He’s been sensitive about this Princesca-attenciano thing from the beginning, and I’m really starting to wonder what’s behind that.
“Maybe you’re right.” He adds, in a quiet, distant tone as he stares out at the sea with me. “Maybe there are some things that we could try to change…eventually. We don’t always have to do what
we did in the past, just because it’s what we’ve always done. Maybe the people need rulers who can judge what to keep and what to adapt.”
I stare at him. This is the most he’s ever said about any of this. I know I mentioned it, but…I didn’t think any of my comments had sunk in at all.
But then, Nicolas has always been hard to read.
“But it’s not just about what you need.” He adds, giving me just the barest hint of a smile. “Maybe I think Hanna is what the country needs, too. She got more approval than we have in years. And she passed - you know. All those traditions…why do you think we sent envoys to her parents? She was going all the way.”
I’m silent for a moment. I think I do know all that. It was becoming obvious - the momentum had overtaken us and everyone wanted her. The way I want her. Well, okay, maybe not totally the same way.
But then he says something that I would never have known if I’d thought about it for hundreds of years.
“Why do you think mother and father are so angry? They actually thought she had a chance. The first Princesca-attenciano of the generation.”
What?!
“They didn’t want her at all.”
If they accepted her, it was begrudgingly at most - just because it became impossible not to.
“Not initially. But…you told us you wanted to be with her because you wanted to settle down, yes?” He asks. “And…for you…this is the most settled we’ve ever seen you. You’ve been taking your responsibilities as a Prince seriously, you’ve attended meetings and discussions that you would have stormed out of before, and…you’ve actually worked well with me. We were starting to think that maybe she was good for you - and that her…quirks…might be worth it, if she really did calm you.”
“What?”
I can’t believe this. After all the disapproval and struggle Hanna and I have gone through…and all the time, they were talking about us like that. And not saying a thing about it?
“Why the hell didn’t I hear about any of this?”
He gives me a long, patient look.
“Because, brother - it’s impossible to have a conversation with you about her without you going crazy.”
