by Ross Sayers
13
‘Whit dae ye mean ‘dae ye know me’?’ ah say.
‘Rough night, was it?’ Frances says, starin at the shelves. ‘That’s me on my break now; you have a nice day.’
And lit that, she’s chargin aff towards the staff room.
‘Whit urr ye usin yer customer voice on me fur?’ ah say as ah follow her. ‘Sorry ah didnae get back tae ye. Ah must’ve lost ma phone at some point. And look, ye obviously survived the big, scary taxi rank so whit urr ye so upset fur?’
She disnae break stride as she disappears through the doors that lead tae the canteen and Manager Michael’s office and the loos. We get a lot ae parents askin tae let thur kids pee in the staff toilets since we don’t huv public yins. We’re no supposed tae say yes anymair cause hauf ae them piss up the wall but how can ye say naw tae wee kiddies that urr ready tae pish themsels?
Ah go through the doors. Frances is at the bottom ae the corridor, gettin her fags fae her locker. It’s a disgustin habit. Ah only ever huv a couple on nights oot, ma birthday, and mibbe at Hogmanay. Christmas Day as well but that’s obvious.
‘Ho!’ ah shout at Frances. ‘Whit’s yer face trippin ye fur?’
It’s funny the look she gies me. Lit she’s full-on terrified ae me. Did ah really dae suhin that bad last night? Ah suppose ah cannae mind everyhin.
You were horrible to her. Did you bring up her cat that died? You probably made her cry. You ruined the whole night and everybody’s talking about it.
‘Sorry, miss,’ Frances says, closin ower her locker. ‘You’re not allowed to be back here.’
She charges towards me, pointin back oot tae the shop flair.
‘If you’ve a question, I can speak to out there,’ she says, openin the door.
Ah’m so confused ah jist stand there, blankly starin at her. We’re at a standoff. She checks her watch. She’s losin time aff her break.
‘This patter is actually honkin,’ ah tell her. ‘Did Sam come up wi this?’
‘Miss, I don’t understand what you mean, but please, you can’t be back here. If my manager sees—’
Jist then, the manager’s office door opens. Manager Michael steps oot, cradlin his clipboard. Ah fuckin hate that clipboard. He hus last year’s sales figures on it, and the year afore that. The only hing he cares aboot is us beatin last year’s sales and he expects aw ae us part-timers, on minimum wage, tae care as much as he does.
‘Everything alright here, Frances?’ he says, daein his fake smile, as if thur’s a customer in earshot.
‘Just explaining to this lady,’ Frances replies. ‘That I can help her out on the shop floor.’
Ah fling ma hawns up in the air.
‘Right,’ ah say. ‘Fine. Gid yin. Ye’re pretendin ye don’t know me, lit ah’ve been sacked. That’s it, eh? Look, sorry ah didnae open up this mornin. Ah’ve got a reasonable excuse, if anyone wants tae know. Ah mean, look at me. Ma face is split open fur wan hing, does that no hint that ah hud an eventful evenin?’
Michael nods a few times. Fae further doon in the warehouse, ah hear the crackly radio blastin. Heart FM is the only station we can aw agree on.
‘Do you know this girl, Frances?’
‘Aw, for fuck’s sake!’ ah shout. ‘Jist let me past, ah’ll work til close the night if ye want. Ah jist need oot ae these claithes.’
Ah walk past the pair ae them and go tae ma locker. Ma key disnae work. Ah jam it in but it willnae turn nae matter how hard ah try.
‘Well, this is an interestin turn ae events,’ ah say, lookin back up the corridor, whaur the two ae them urr whisperin, thick as thieves. ‘Ah cannae believe ye’ve actually changed the lock on ma shitey locker. How did ye even manage that?’
John the security guard joins the party noo, comin in fae the shop flair. He’s lit wan ae they polis ye see in American fulms that’s two weeks away fae retirement. Wan time ah guy stole an electric razor and John chased him oot the door but only fur aboot ten seconds. He says that once they get past Waterstones, they’ve earned it.
‘Excuse me, miss,’ Michael says tae me. ‘If you just go with John here. He’ll make sure you find what you’re after.’
Ah smile. Ah smile cause it’s the only hing ah can hink tae dae. The only hing that’ll stop me fae goin aff ma nut. Ma lips urr quiverin.
‘This is too far,’ ah tell them. ‘If ye’re gonnae sack me, then grow a pair Michael and jist fuckin dae it. Gettin John tae walk me oot and embarrass me in front ae everybody? Whit a sad wee man you urr, Michael.’
The three ae them share a look, lit thur decidin who’s gonnae huv tae deal wi me. This is madness. How is this happenin?
Because you deserve this.
‘Whit’s it gonnae be then?’ ah say.
John walks towards me. His wee Rangers tie pin that his wife got him fur his birthday gleams as he approaches. He’s a big fella right enough.
‘Please, miss,’ he says tae me. ‘We can speak aboot it ootside.’
Thur’s suhin different aboot the way John’s lookin at me tae. Lit he knows whit’s up and he’s gonnae be sound tae me once we get oot ae earshot ae the other two. Frances and Michael urr bein dicks, but at least John’ll pit me right.
As ah walk by Frances and Michael, ah flick them the V’s so violently it feels lit ma bones might shoot right up through ma fing’rs. They baith stare at their feet.
‘Aw, and Michael,’ ah say. ‘Yer ex-wife telt me ye’ve got a tiny willy, so.’
Ye may as well go doon in a blaze ae glory, is ma opinion.
‘Okay then,’ he laughs. ‘Very good. Bye bye now. You’ve never met Sasha, I’m fairly sure.’
John walks me through the shop. Debbie and Rachel urr on the tills but thur too far away tae notice me and thur servin folk anyway. Janette’s fillin up the Chanel cabinet and disnae turn roond.
Ah sense Michael followin behind us. He’s keepin his distance but he’s venturin oot ae his office enough tae make sure ah’m gone. The world’s gone full-on mad.
Then, as ah’m nearly at the front doors, ah see Sam comin in. He’s got his Greggs bag in wan hand and he’s haufway through munchin a Steak Bake. He iways gets me a French Fancy if wur on thigether.
‘Sam!’ ah shout. ‘Dae ye know thur sackin me? Did you huv anyhin tae dae wi this?’
He blinks, then pits his hawn tae his mooth. He finishes aff his moothful ae pastry.
‘Excuse me?’ he says. ‘Sorry, I don’t recognise you? Have I served you before, maybe?’
‘Oh my god whit is it wi everybody usin thur posh voice on me the day?’
Sam looks ower ma shooder at John. Giein him the look. The who’s this dafty look.
‘Ah cannae fuckin believe you,’ ah say. ‘Youse urr meant tae be on ma side. Ah thought we wur a team, Daisy and Sam and Frances against the world. Plottin oot oor dreams fur when we finish uni. Comin up wi ways tae kill the customers that come in two minutes afore close.’
Sam seems scared ae me. He crunches up his wrapper and pits it in his bag. Thur’s still suhin heavy in the bag. An Empire biscuit wid be ma guess.
‘Oh, are you here for Daisy?’ he says, frownin. ‘You look quite like her actually. Are you related?’
Ah pit ma heid in ma hawns. This is the actin performance ae a lifetime fae Sam. Ah thought he wis so pure.
‘This is proper startin tae freak me oot noo,’ ah say. ‘Ah swear ah’m gonnae scream if yeese keep—’
Ah see ma reflection in the mirror by the cosmetics stand and meet ma ain eye. But it’s no ma eye. It’s some other gurl’s eye. Some other lassie who looks a lot like me but isnae me. She’s giein me this funny kind ae look. The same kind ae look that ah’m giein her right back.
‘Miss?’ John says tae me.
His voice sounds miles away. Ah walk towards the mirror.
Ah get closer tae the stranger. This stran
ger who hus aw the same movements as me. Ah hink mibbe ah’m still drunk. Or asleep on the subway still.
The mirror shows me gettin closer. It shows me the Venom stain doon the front ae ma dress. It shows me ma pure red eyes. But it disnae show me, me.
It’s lit me but everyhin’s slightly different. This isnae the same dress as last night. The tartan pattern is a wee bit different. It’s hardly noticeable but it’s definitely different. And ma shoes. They huv gold buckle bits. They wur rose gold last night. Ah swear thur different.
Ma hair is jist aboot the same, but mibbe a wee touch lighter?
Ma eyes are blue still, but they don’t huv the same broon bit aroond the iris anymair.
Ma nose is a bit less upturned and it’s no even pierced anymair.
Ma earlobes urr fuckin detached?! Ah run ma fing’r along them. This is too fuckin weird noo.
What the actual fu
14
ck
Ah bolt. Past John and his staunch tie pin. Past Sam and his lukewarm Empire biscuit. Past the customers comin in, the same customers that in a few seconds will walk right by the baskets and then ask somebdy whaur the baskets urr. The cauld is bitter and ah’m powerin up Sauchiehall Street again. Ah pull ma jaiket tight.
Ma hawns look the same. Ah stretch them oot in front ae me. They look the same but mibbe thur no. How can a huv a new face but the same hawns? Ah press ma hawns tae ma cheeks. Freezin.
A queasy feelin starts in ma belly. Soon its up intae ma mooth. The soft bit below ma tongue tingles. Ah scurry tae the nearest bin but cannae angle ma heid properly and ah’m sick aw doon the side. No that thur’s much tae come up. The retchin makes ma organs feel lit thur gettin squeezed through ma ribs lit Play-Doh.
Ah walk away fae the pile as a few pigeons waddle ower tae inquire. A couple ae doors up is Costa. Ah work up the courage tae peek at ma reflection in the windae. It’s the strange gurl again.
She sees me and ah see her.
Ah wave ma left hawn. The strange gurl waves hers. Ah wave ma right hawn. The strange gurl waves hers.
Ah lean in close tae the glass, tae inspect ma new face. Then ah realise thur’s a young couple huvin coffee on the other side ae the windae. Ah smile, wipe away the spew fae corner ae ma mooth, then continue up the street.
By the time ah reach Tesco, ah’m tired and sair and jist want ma ain bed… and ma ain face. A nap will sort me oot. Ye can fix anyhin wi a good nap.
Ah walk back tae the flat. Gettin the subway again seems lit askin fur trouble. The walk tae Hillhead goes in fast, since ah’m checkin ma reflection in every car and shop windae on the way tae see if ma face is back tae normal yet.
Ah consider poppin intae Dram fur a quick hair ae the dug but when ah check ma purse, ma bank caird is gone. Along wi the rest of my cairds. Ah’ve nae ID, nae cairds. Nuhin wi ma name on it. And ma purse hus wee floo’rs insteid ae wee butterflies noo. Jist focus on gettin hame, Daisy. Everyhin will seem better efter the nap.
Ah turn ontae Gibson Street. Ah’m a bit ae an odd yin, livin in Glasgow Uni territory while goin tae Strathy. But livin in the west end is jist so… me. Gettin brunch at Papercup, huvin efter class drinks at the Chip, jist the general feel ae the place. Mum hus tae fit the bill fur ma rent but we decided ah deserved the best student experience possible so.
When ah get tae the door ae the close, ma key disnae work in the lock. Ma brain is sair fae tryin tae come up wi explanations fur everyhin. Suhin must huv happened in the subway. Some kind ae undergroond pressure hus changed the shape ae ma door key, and ma locker key, so they willnae work. Ah dunno if that explains ma face changin. Mibbe ah could sue the Glasgow Subway for ruinin ma face. Ah might win aboot £3.50.
Ah press the buzzer fur the flat across the landin fae me, 2/1.
‘Hello?’
‘Hiya, Nessa. Furgot ma keys.’
‘Oh, is that you, Daisy? You sound a bit different.’
‘Aye, sorry, huvin wan ae they days.’
‘I know what you mean.’
Bzzzzz.
The close hus been cleaned recently and the stairs urr dark and shiny and smell lit bleach and lemon. Ah make it up tae 2/2 and don’t even bother tryin ma door key. Ah lift aff the gnome’s heid by the welcome mat and dig ma hawn intae its skull tae find the spare key.
Closin the door behind me, ah throw ma bag tae the flair. Then ah peel ma dress ower ma heid and chuck it somewhaur in the direction ae the laundry basket at the side ae ma bed. Ma face smacks doon on the duvet cover. Ah don’t huv the energy tae drag masel up the bed and pit ma face on the pillow. Ma legs dangle aff the end and ah feel ma heart rate slowin doon finally. Ah cannae wait tae wake up and everyhin bein back tae normal. Mibbe ah’ll even go a run. Aye, ah’ll definitely go a run. As long as ah don’t get a stitch while ah’m warmin up.
It’s beyond a joke now everybody hates you. You made an absolute arse of yourself and you deserve everything you get. Frances and Sam love the shifts when you’re not in.
These thoughts urr iways worse when ah’m tryin tae sleep. When thur’s nuhin else tae distract me. Jist ma thoughts and me.
The front door slams shut. Ma heid shoots up fae the bed. Ma heart rate shoots back up an aw. When ye live on yer ain and someone else comes intae yer flat while ye’re sleepin, it fair wakes ye up.
Ah jump ontae the carpet and look fur suhin tae swing. Why did ah niver buy a basebaw bat? A lassie livin on her ain shid huv a basebaw bat, it’s jist common sense. If ah make it oot ae this alive, ah’m buyin yin fur every room.
Could it be Mum come fur a Christmas visit? Here tae shout at me fur the scene ah made at the purvey yesterday? She’s the only yin wi a spare key.
Ah hear the kettle bein clicked on. Then the livin room telly. How did she manage that? Only ah know how tae get it on first time. Ye need tae shake the remote a wee bit first tae jostle the batteries tae life, then ye press the standby button while ye press volume doon at the same time.
Ah open the door jist a fraction and look oot. The livin room door is closed hauf the way ower, but ah can hear the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia theme tune playin. Since when did ma mum watch It’s Always Sunny? That’s blown ma mind. Unless she got lost on the menus while she wis tryin tae find Graham Norton on the iPlayer.
The livin room door starts tae open and ah close ma bedroom door back ower. Ah hear soft fitsteps reachin the kitchen. Hus she taken her shoes aff? Is it possible that ma mum comes and watches ma Netflix and drinks ma tea while she hinks ah’m at work? She better no be usin ma gid Twinings Spicy Chai teabags. They wur a special treat tae masel, as it happens. Whit an absolute bold move on her part.
Or is this some kind ae side effect ae the grief? Is she gonnae go lit ma Auntie Jean and no wear socks? She might be seconds away fae stickin her sweaty toes on ma livin room table.
Ma fact-a-day calendar sways on the back ae ma door. It’s showin Wednesday 6th December. That’s obviously no right. Ah’ve been peelin them aff aw year, and especially this month cause they’ve aw been Christmas themed. (The average person in the UK consumes 7000 calories on Christmas Day. Rookie numbers if ye ask me.) But somehow, they’ve attached again. Ah flick through the familiar pages fae the 6th tae the 22nd, the cartoons ae Santa and Rudolph and aw the gang flashin by in a second. They’ve been glued back on the calendar.
Ah look through ma drawers fur a jumper tae sling on. Ah find ma favourite purple yin, the yin ah’ve been lookin fur fur weeks. It wis starin me in the face the hale time. Ah stick on a pair ae thick grey leggins and dry shoes as well. Mum must’ve been in and moved ma claithes aboot or suhin.
The Venom-soaked dress is awready startin tae stink up the room wi a sweet, fousty smell. Ah pick it up and shove it right tae the bottom ae ma bin so Mum disnae see it. Finally, ah slip a tenner oot fae ma emergency stash in ma pants drawer. Ah’m needin an emergency bottle ae Echo Falls and a Terry’
s Chocolate Orange.
Ah step softly ower the laminate floor ae the landin. She’s chucklin away in the livin room. Ah’ve niver noticed whit an annoyin laugh she hus afore. Ah hope she’s went on a different profile on ma Netflix at least. Ah’m no wantin her messin up ma progress.
The door’s ajar. Ah nudge it open a tiny bit mair. Jist enough tae get ma heid poked through.
The person sittin in ma livin room isnae ma mum.
15
The gurl sits on ma couch. The gurl sits jist like ah sit when ah sit on ma couch. Wan leg tucked under her, the other straight oot on the table. She’s wearin an outfit ah’m sure ah’ve got and ah wore it no that long ago. The gurl’s hair looks cute fae behind, ah cannae deny that. Ah bet naebdy ever tells her that.
She’s laughin at the same bits ae It’s Always Sunny that ah mind laughin at. Ah watched this episode a couple ae weeks ago, the yin wi the dumpster baby.
She’s drinkin fae ma favourite mug. When she dunks her marshmallow intae the hot chocolate, she wipes it roond the rim tae get aw the dry, chocolately remnants like ah dae.
Ah really dae mind watchin this episode. Ah mind pausin it cause ah missed wan ae Dennis’s lines when ah wis muckin aboot wi the marshmallows. And when ah paused it, jist lit this gurl is daein, ah hud this weird feelin lit somebdy wis watchin me.
The gurl’s heid turns towards me. Ah jump back behind the door.
And ah also mind, as ma heart throttles up a gear inside ma chest, that ah wis really paranoid that day. So ah got up fae the couch and went and checked the hall jist in case thur wis somebdy else in the flat.
Ah open the front door as quietly as ah can, grab ma bag fae the flair, and close the door behind me. Ah’ve no got time tae get the key fae the gnome so ah leave it unlocked and rush doon the stairs.
Ah mind freakin oot a couple ae weeks ago cause ah wis sure ah’d locked the door when ah got in that day and then ah found it unlocked.
