Almost as soon as I let the door lightly click shut my phone began to ring again. It was Tom again, right on queue. I slid my finger over the screen and answered.
“Hello?”
“April?”
“It’s six in the morning.”
“Hi. I know. Sorry. Good morning.”
“Hi?” I knew there had to be more to this than a wakeup call. There always was something that made what could have been simple infinitely more complex. “It’s six in the morning?” I said it like a question. I was unable to phrase all of my real questions. If I hadn’t woken up only moments ago, maybe I would have been smart enough to just turn my phone on silent.
“I know. I said sorry.” There was his snark.
“Couldn’t you have texted? Or waited to call when humans are awake?”
“I need to see you. Now.” He said it like a command. “This can’t wait any longer.”
“Is someone in trouble or something?”
“…No.”
“Is there an emergency?”
“Yes.” I could tell he was lying.
“Is there an emergency that requires my immediate attention?”
“I need to see you now.” He said again. “Come down to the lobby.”
My only course of action was to follow. I sighed heavily. It seemed to be the only thing I was in control of anymore. I could only express myself through insignificant signs of annoyance. “Fine.” I pushed the door open slightly, hoping even more now not to wake Grant. I kicked flip flops on and then exited the room as quietly as I could.
The elevator ride was long. My brain was now processing at a speed where I could frantically worry about everything. My stomach turned in knots. I made a mental list of all the things in the world I didn’t want to do right now.
10. Get lost in the sewers of LA
9. Pluck out each of my leg hairs individually
8. Be water boarded
7. Get burned at the stake for being a witch
6. Fight my way out of a rainforest
5. Get stranded on a desert island, inhabited by cannibals
4. Retake my final exams
3. Live in a world of flesh eating zombies
2. Go to Tom’s Engagement party
1. Talk to Tom
I looked at the red button on the elevator. I could force it down and get locked in here. I wouldn’t have to think of any of this for at least one hour. I could turn the inside of the elevator into a tiny house and show it off to HGTV. I could be the woman who famously made an elevator into an adorable abode.
The numbers on the elevator counted down. I did nothing but stare at them as they initiated my inevitable doom. The lobby floor dinged. The doors parted, opening on an almost empty lobby, the only inhabitants being hotel staff doing their morning chores and Tom, sitting at a table where you had a direct view of the elevators. I had no choice but to sit by him now. He saw me.
With each step I considered a new escape plan. “I have a call from the president. I need to take it.” No, it needed to be more realistic.
“My dad is having a heart attack and my mom is having a stroke.” Too realistic and too morbid.
“I have explosive diarrhea.” That one was good. That was realistic. People experienced that. I can pretend that.
Several tiny steps and deep breaths later and I was at his table, staring in the eyes of the beast. He smiled up at me, his fangs gleaming, ready to snap the neck of his prey, me. I stood, frozen.
“Hi April.” I said nothing I stood, staring at him. If I made myself look larger than him, maybe that would scare him away. I could puff up my chest and growl.
“I forgot how nice you look without makeup.”
What a smoozer. I hated him. I hated his dumb face that looked so happy on Instagram. In front of me, though, he didn’t look so thrilled. I could see worry lines on his forehead and his brows seemed heavier than usual. I stood my ground, still frozen before him.
“Do you want to sit down? This could take a bit.”
I sat, putting my palms on my lap. As soon as they were out of his line of sight I immediately began picking at my nails. I would need to wear them down to the nubs to get through this conversation.
“What’s the emergency?” I said, with no feeling in my voice. I was able to keep it from quivering. I had an idea of what he wanted. I knew what he was going to say. He was going to try and hurt me. He was going to make me feel lower than I had since he left. He was going to rub it in my face that I wasn’t happy, that I wasn’t living out some dream life like he was. I looked at his palms on the table. He had also been picking at his nails and moved on to chewing on them. I didn’t know what to say to him so I just repeated myself. “What’s the emergency? What couldn’t wait till daylight?”
“I need you, April.” He coughed out through teeth clenched around his nails.
My heart stopped then resumed beating, pumping faster than it had ever pumped before. I couldn’t believe my ears. I knew that he hadn’t hated me by the way he acted at the past two parties, but hearing that was too much to handle. I had to be hallucinating. Was I still dreaming?
I didn’t know what to say. I said nothing. I looked at him, biting the ends of his fingers. “What?”
“I miss you.”
“Uh…”
“Hear me out. I know I don’t deserve you back. I don’t even deserve to be friends with you. I ruined what we had and I’m sorry. It’s just the accident was hard on me too…” He looked me in the eyes for a brief moment. His gaze switched back to the empty table in front of us.
“I just didn’t know that you were what was missing. I felt like I had this… this void in my life. I was looking all over the place to fill it. I thought maybe my job would help, and it did for a while but all that joy has left me. To be honest, I don’t know how long I’m going to have that job anyway. So then when the job didn’t work, I thought that maybe I was just lonely. And I think I was. And now, looking at you and what you have I… Well, seeing you with Grant made me realize how much I miss you. I knew I had lost a good thing, I just didn’t know that It was meant to be.” He reached his hands under the table and clasped mine. His palms were sweaty and hot. I couldn’t stand the way they felt on me.
“You complete me, April.”
We sat there for a long time in silence. I had no idea what to do. Had I have come to this alone, I would have taken him back immediately. Of course, he wouldn’t have wanted me because I wasn’t alone. Now when I looked across the table I didn’t see some perfect man who left me for a better person. I saw a child who was unable to make up his mind. He just wanted the toys other kids were playing with, no matter what toy he had. It was never enough. Travis was right.
“No.” I said quietly. I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t have anything else to say. I saw his eyes. They welled up with water.
“What?”
I didn’t respond. He let the tears drop out, burying his head into his palms. He was crying. Sobbing. This is exactly what a child would have done if you had taken their once special toy away, moments after they have left it in the dirt. We sat there, speechless at the table. The only sound filling the lobby was Tom’s gasping cries.
“I should have known.” He stuttered out. “I should have known better than to make a fool of myself. I just saw his face and I saw your face. And I knew. I knew that I made you that happy before. And you. You made me that happy. We were so good. Why did I give you up? I should have known. I should have held onto you. And now you’re doing better. You have the perfect job and the perfect boyfriend. You’re going to be successful and famous and some day you won’t even remember my name. You and Grant.” He choked as he spoke. “You two are going to live in some great big mansion and go on trips and get married and live the happily ever after ending that is only in fairytales.”
“No.” I said again. This time, it was with more remorse in my voice. He stopped babbling.
His lips quivered as he looke
d at me. “What?”
“We won’t have that life.” I said. It was true. We wouldn’t have that life. No one would. No one could. I had thought that if anyone were capable of it, it would have been him. I realized that fairytales weren’t based on life. They were just based on glimpses of reality. No one had a happy perfect life. Everyone just lived their best version of one. The world would never allow for perfect people or perfect things. If it had, then life would be boring and eventless, ever person already paired off from beginning to end. There would be no art and no reason to have art. We would be like animals. “Grant and I aren’t all you make us up to be.”
His face turned again. It was red and blotchy with shiny stains were the tears had ran down. “Yes you are. I know you guys aren’t perfect, but he has you. You’re perfect. You just aren’t perfect together.”
My mind was spinning. I had to stop him from saying anymore while I could. “Me and Grant have nothing to do with you and your future.”
“No. But you have everything to do with my future. I’ll be a mess without you.”
“No, you don’t understand. Grant and I… we aren’t what it looks like.”
He sniffed. “What do you mean?”
“Grant didn’t want to come to this.”
He chuckled a little. I could feel the lump in my neck. It was going to be harder than I thought to comfort Tom. “I can’t blame him for not wanting to come. I wouldn’t want to go to your wedding, and I know that …”
“No. You don’t understand.” I said again. I looked into his eyes, blood shot and red. I didn’t want to say it. I tried to signal to him, to beg with my face for him not to make me say it. He looked more confused than ever. “Grant isn’t all that he seems.”
“I don’t understand.” He said. His face was puffy and swollen from crying, but the tears had stopped.
“No, you don’t. Grant… He is an escort. He isn’t… He…” I couldn’t form words. I started to babble as badly as he was. I wished that if I could take it back. I wondered if maybe I said enough words he would have just forgotten everything I had said. Was it too late to use the diarrhoea line? Would that distract him?
“A what?”
I said nothing. I picked at my fingers more. I noticed blood was starting to pool out from beneath one of my nails. I shouldn’t have said anything. This awful day was already getting worse and it wasn’t even time for breakfast. The silence made me feel guilt. I wished the music were still playing. I wish that there was some bustle or bang from the staff. I would have taken the sound of a rocket taking off over this. Anything to fill the void.
The elevator dinged and we both looked to the doors. As they parted, the last person I wanted to see was standing in there, looking confused and hurt. Grant looked out at us, sitting at a table in the lobby, me in a robe and Tom in his pajamas. I could tell that there was going to be big problems. Grant’s charm wasn’t turned on, instead we saw the raw and vulnerable Grant that rarely showed himself. Especially on business.
He walked slowly and calmly to our table. Tom’s red eyes were large, watching each movement that was made. I was frozen again. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to speak. I had lost the ability to communicate completely. Tom was the first one to break the silence.
“Are you kidding me? You’re dating a whore?” Tom was frantic, shouting at the both of us. Grant’s stone face dropped into a frown. He gave me a disappointed look and walked to our table quicker. He starred at Tom. “You’re dating a fucking hooker? That’s what your life has stooped to? I can’t believe this. You have to be kidding me.” He stood up and walked the rest of the way to Grant, his hands balled in fists. Once he was feet away I realized what he was charging at Grant to do.
I yelled at him to stop, but it was too late. He swung his fist, missing Grant’s face. Grant dodged back and grabbed his hand. He punched him in the face with his other hand and Tom fell back to the ground.
I ran over to him immediately. His eyes were shut and he was limp on the floor. “Tom? Tom, can you hear me?” I held his head in my lap and looked up at Grant.
Grant said nothing. He only looked down at us. His face was stone again. I couldn’t tell what he was feeling. I had no idea what I was supposed to say to him. I was upset. I was furious with Tom but I was still upset with Grant. I hated violence. Tom was a kid, he didn’t know how to control himself. I didn’t know what happened with Grant. His face was impossible to read.
I kept tapping Tom, trying to get his attention. Grant turned on his heels and left, going back into the elevator. I didn’t know why he came down in the first place. He must have been looking for me. I should have just stayed in the room. I didn’t know I was going to ruin our time. I needed to tell Grant that it wasn’t what it looked like. Or maybe it was.
The point was I didn’t want Tom back. I didn’t know that was why Tom needed me either. There was so much I had to say to Grant still. I kept tapping Tom, trying to get his attention. He was still breathing and his finger twitched. He slowly came to and I helped him back up on his feet.
I pushed the number to our floor several times. I paced back and forth in the elevator with Tom. He held a Kleenex to his nose and watched me as I planned my speech for Grant in my head. The doors were taking too long to close. The elevator was taking too long to move. I tapped the button several more times. I knew it wouldn’t change anything, but I needed something to do.
My palms were sweaty. My mind was racing. I could tell Tom was annoyed by me. I could see that he was mad that I was worried about Grant. I didn’t care. Maybe that would help get him to back off. When we got to the floor the doors spread open and I jogged to my room. I pushed the key in several times before it worked.
I walked in. I didn’t see his suitcase. I checked the door of the dresser. All his things were gone.
24
Grant
I waited in the airport for hours for the next available flight. It gave me time to cool down. I had never lost my temper like that before. I had never punched another guy. I was glad that if I was ever going to only punch one person, it was Tom.
My knuckles were bruised and I took it as a badge of honor. I put ice on them, hoping it would keep the swelling down. It was expensive to fly last minute from Santa Barbra to Las Vegas. I didn’t care. I had more than enough money. I didn’t want to spend another moment here, even if that meant taking coach.
I was mad at Tom. He deserved what he got. I had been waiting to punch him since I had heard about him. I never would have thought I would have gotten a golden opportunity like that.
Whatever April saw in him, I was blind to. She could run off to him. I didn’t care. I was so disappointed. She wasn’t the smart woman I thought she had been. If she fell for a doof like that, there must have been something I was missing.
I didn’t know why she went back to him. We were having a great time. We were having a perfect time. I thought that maybe we were starting to have a spark. I could have seen myself seeing her several times within the next month. I could have seen myself asking her out formally.
I fell for her spell. I must have been distracted by her beauty. I had thought she had been perfect. I was told that she was great. I didn’t understand why she wasn’t getting any jobs. I also didn’t understand why someone would leave her. There had to be something.
She got what she wanted after all. She got Tom back. She could go back to living her happy perfect life from before her accident. She could get re-engaged and marry someone on the verge of bankruptcy. They could be homeless together and be clueless and hopeless people.
This was the first weekend I lost money being an escort. It was also going to be the last time. I wasn’t going to whore my services out for friends anymore. I would never do a sexual favor for free again. I had standards.
The plane was called and I watched the movie they played on the way back. It was one of those romantic comedies that was really popular in the early 2000s. I hadn’t seen it before,
but I remembered the commercials and I remembered knowing women that liked it.
I needed a drink. I hated romantic comedies. No matter how honest they tried to be, they were still just a story. I watched the same imperfect beginning end with the same perfect ending in other movies time and time again. It was boring, predictable, and old. It never happened that way in real life. And when it did, there was still a ton of shit that had to be worked through.
And they never put in the troubles. They never had the relationship after a few years. They didn’t put in the couples therapy or the divorce that happened if the therapy didn’t help. They didn’t put in affairs or anything but good feeling and light humor. I wanted to live in a Walt Disney world like that. I wanted to live in a world where my greatest pleasure wasn’t being an escort and I didn’t feel so god damn lonely.
Meg Ryan was on the screen, denying her inevitable future. That’s what the characters always did. They fought the happiness until they no longer could. They wanted to be upset. It made it a tunnel vision, like a relationship would fix all the problems you didn’t know you were having. It didn’t work that way in real life.
In real life your romantic interest left you for their douche of an ex-fiancé because their self-confidence is low. In real life there wasn’t a big character change or happy ending, just a ton of small changes and tiny victories.
I counted this weekend as a loss except for the punch. It was well worth it. Even if it had broken my hand, which I am glad it didn’t, I would have done it again.
I wasn’t sure what to do with my life after this trip. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to be an escort anymore. Maybe I should move back to California, or somewhere else on the coast. I would love to swim. I had more than enough money and time. Even if I just did it for a year, it would be worth it to get away and reevaluate everything for a while.
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