by L. A. Witt
“Levi, look at me.” When he did, she arched her eyebrow. “Are you telling me you’re choosing showbiz and those fuckwits who raised you over Carter?”
He glared at her. “This from the woman who’s warned me not to test the studio?”
She blew out a breath and rolled her eyes. “Levi. Sweetheart. I never said don’t date anybody. Just keep it on the DL.”
“So I guess you’re in the ‘you’re being a colossal idiot’ camp?”
“Oh, honey.” She folded her arms. “I’m in charge of that camp.” She sighed. “If you and Carter have a connection, are you really—”
“What do you want me to do, Anna?” Levi shook his head and sighed. “Carter doesn’t want to be someone’s dirty little secret, and I’m not going to force him into the closet for my benefit.”
“I—” Anna deflated, letting her arms drop to her sides. “Okay, I guess it’s not that easy.”
“No, it’s not.”
“How do you feel about him?”
Levi winced.
“That’s what I thought.”
“What?” He laughed dryly. “He’s not the first guy I’ve gotten hung up on.”
“No, but I haven’t seen you this hung up on anyone since Dylan.”
Levi exhaled. “Well, I got over him.”
“Barely.”
He eyed her.
She put up her hands. “Honey, I’m just calling it like I see it.”
“Yeah, it’s really helpful.” He rubbed his neck again. Tonight was definitely going to involve some frozen vegetables. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Maybe you need to let the dust settle first. Then you guys can talk things over.”
“Which would be fine if we could avoid each other long enough to let it settle.”
She grimaced. “At least it’s only one episode, and then you both get a break for a few weeks until Fuhrman comes back.”
“There is that.”
Anna stepped closer and hugged him tight. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I wish these things were simpler.”
“Me too.”
Carter had never been so happy to hear “That’s a wrap.”
It was almost midnight when Anna finally dismissed the exhausted cast and crew, and Carter didn’t hang around. He didn’t even bother taking off his makeup, even the bruising around his eye. He could do that at home—he just needed to get the fuck out of here.
Driving way too fast down the highway, he relived the day’s shoot over and over in his mind. It was probably one of his best shoots. He’d been hell-bent on getting every scene right in as few takes as possible to minimize the amount of time he’d had to spend being Gabriel and trying to drag information out of a jittery, strung-out Fuhrman. Either Levi was doing the same thing, or he was just that good at memorizing lines and directions—the only retakes they’d had to do were to correct lighting and camera angles.
In between takes, they’d barely looked at each other. They sure as fuck didn’t talk to each other.
Levi was lucky as hell. Max was supposed to be volatile and edgy during this scene. His voice was supposed to be shaky, bordering on hysteria here and there. Whatever Levi might’ve been feeling had disappeared beneath the veneer of his character’s madness.
Carter hadn’t been so fortunate. Half the time, Gabriel had to keep a cool head. Calm, controlled, cold. The other half, he was in Max’s face, shouting at him, demanding answers, barely keeping himself from kicking Max’s ass. Carter had pulled it off, but goddamn, looking Levi in the eye and staying professional had been harder than stunt work.
He almost wished they’d parted ways in a shouting match. The kind of fight that could get the cops called on them. At least then he would have been able to channel all that anger into the scene.
And he was angry, but every time he’d tried to have Gabriel take that anger out on Max Fuhrman, it had taken every bit of energy he had. Lashing out at Levi hurt like hell. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t blame him. He couldn’t hate him.
And he couldn’t have him.
Carter pulled into his garage and turned off the engine, but didn’t get out of the car yet.
They’d really made a mess of things, hadn’t they? Damn it, Levi felt farther away from him than he had been when Carter had been watching him as an actor on the big screen. That was the part that hurt the most. Not that they’d finally fucked, but that they’d walked away afterward. Not that Levi had chosen the certainty of his family and career over a relationship that could flame out on a moment’s notice.
As he sat in the garage, the engine clicking quietly as it cooled, the truth slowly settled in.
I don’t care if we can’t date.
I want my friend back.
Levi couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t get the conversations—with Carter, with Anna—out of his head. The tension in his neck wasn’t helping, either. He needed to relax, physically and mentally, and that wasn’t happening soon.
It was definitely getting bad—three times, he caught himself seriously considering a liquor store run. Levi had sworn off booze years ago after seeing what it had done to his family, but the thought of a night’s oblivion was tempting. At least his tolerance was low—one or two drinks, and he wouldn’t feel a thing until morning. And it wasn’t like he’d be the first actor who showed up to work hungover.
But . . . no.
The whole reason he was in this was because of his constant need to avoid everything. Stress. His parents’ disapproval. Hollywood’s bullshit. The tabloids’ scrutiny. And avoiding all that shit had served him so fucking well.
By two thirty, Zelda had gotten tired of his tossing and turning, and jumped off the bed. Half an hour later, Link left too.
At a quarter after four in the morning, Levi gave up. He carefully wove around the sleeping lumps on the floor and went downstairs to put on some coffee. Thank God he didn’t have to work until tonight. Maybe he’d manage a nap so he didn’t pass out on the set. Assuming he could sleep in the middle of the afternoon when he hadn’t been able to all fucking night.
Wandering aimlessly around the house with a cup of coffee in his hand, his eyelids heavy, and his body exhausted, he decided this couldn’t continue. He had to do something to fix this, or he and Carter were going to drive themselves insane.
There was one thing he could do. It had serious potential to blow up in his face, but there was a serious lack of alternatives.
He wasn’t ready for that yet, though.
Instead, he dug through some old emails in search of a phone number he hadn’t used in years. It was entirely possible the number was obsolete now, that this was a waste of time, but he had to give it a try.
Finally, deep in the archives of his inbox, he found a message he’d sent to himself detailing contacts he needed to move from one cell phone to another, back in the days before cellular kiosks could take care of it. With his heart in his throat, he entered the number, and didn’t give himself a chance to think twice before he sent the call.
The phone rang on the other end. That was a good sign.
“Hello?” The sleepy voice almost knocked Levi out of his chair.
He swallowed. “Hey, Dylan. It’s Levi. Please don’t hang up.”
The line went silent, and he was sure his ex-boyfriend had done exactly that, but then he heard some subtle movement. And finally, “Um. Okay.”
“Can we talk? Just, uh, for a few minutes?”
A good ten seconds passed before Dylan said, “All right. What about?”
“I wanted to apologize. For . . . for everything.” He rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. “Mostly for denying us.”
More silence. “Really?”
“Yeah. I wanted you to know I never did it because I wanted to hurt you. That’s the last thing I ever wanted to do.”
Dylan slowly released a breath. “There’s . . . there’s a question that I’ve wanted to ask for a long time.”
“Sure. Go ahead.”
/>
His ex went quiet again for a moment. “Were you ashamed of dating me?”
“No.” A lump formed in Levi’s throat. “No, never.” When Dylan didn’t speak, Levi went on. “I was never ashamed of you. Ever. And I wasn’t even ashamed of being gay, I was scared. And it took me until recently—very recently—to realize how much that fear has been running my life.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I fucked things up with you, and . . .” The lump rose higher, and Levi struggled to force it back. “I just fucked things up with someone else.”
“Oh, damn.” Dylan sighed. “Sorry to hear it.”
“God, what is wrong with me?” Levi rubbed his eyes again, telling himself it was simply to occupy his idle hand. “Hollywood doesn’t give two flying fucks about me. My folks are always looking for a reason to disapprove of me. And I—” His voice cracked. “And I keep letting both of those scare me into pushing away people I love.”
“Your family is still dicking you around?” Dylan’s voice was surprisingly gentle. “After all these years?”
“Yeah.” Levi laughed bitterly, and sniffed. “Stupid, isn’t it?”
“No, I just think it proves what kind of assholes they are.” He took a deep breath. “Listen, I don’t know how things have changed since we last talked, but think about it. Look how much you’ve hidden from them. And how much you’ve lost because of them.”
Levi closed his eyes, and when that squeezed out a tear, he quickly swiped it away.
“You’re almost forty now, aren’t you?”
“Close, yeah.”
“Okay. So that’s forty years you’ve given to being the son they don’t deserve, which means not allowing yourself to be happy.” Dylan’s voice softened a little more. “When are you going to start living for you and not them?”
Levi wiped his eyes again. “Forty years. Goddamn it.”
“And for that matter, you and your siblings have bent over backward for years to appease them. When have they ever given a little?”
“Well, they did stop drinking.”
“Because a judge ordered them to.”
“And their doctors, but . . . point taken.” He swore under his breath.
“Levi, this is your life, not theirs. If they don’t approve, then fuck ’em. Look, I know it’s not easy, but enough is enough. You being afraid of them killed our relationship, and it—”
“Wait, you knew?” Levi’s eyes widened. “I didn’t—”
“Of course I knew. And I’ll admit I hated you at the time for letting them push us apart, but now I want to smack both of them.” His voice hardened. “And so help me, whoever this guy is you just broke up with? If you let them keep you away from him, I will smack you.”
Levi couldn’t even muster a humorless laugh. “I probably need it these days. And . . . Jesus, Dylan. I am so sorry. About everything.” Levi leaned back in his chair and stared up at the ceiling. “I’ve been so fucking scared of people finding out I was gay, and about pissing off my parents, I completely lost sight of how much that hurt the people I loved. I can’t . . . I can’t even begin to apologize enough for that.”
“No, I get it. I didn’t really get it back then, but I do now.” Dylan muffled a cough. “And I’m sorry for trying to out you like that. I was angry, and . . . I admit, I did want to hurt you then.”
Levi winced. “I guess I kind of deserved it.”
“No.” Dylan exhaled hard. “We both fucked up pretty good, I think.”
“Yeah. We did.” Levi swallowed. “God, I’m sorry. And thank you. For everything you said. I just called because I needed to apologize, but that was . . .”
“It’s all stuff I wanted to say to you back then. Guess I couldn’t quite work up the nerve either.”
“I wouldn’t have listened back then. But I . . . I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate it now.”
“Don’t mention it.”
Levi drummed his fingers on the edge of the desk. “I, um, I saw in the news you got married.”
“Yeah.” He could hear the smile in Dylan’s voice. “Still feels kind of weird, wearing the ring.”
Levi laughed. “I’m sure it does. Congratulations. I’m really glad you found someone.”
“Thanks.” Dylan paused. “I’m glad you’ve found someone too.”
That hit him in the gut. “Except I’m pretty sure I—”
“If he’s got you shaken up like this, I don’t think you’re going to let him go quietly.”
“It’s not a question of what I’ll let him do. It’s a question of whether or not he’ll take me back.”
“Talk to him. Don’t . . .” Dylan hesitated. “Look, can I be perfectly honest?”
Levi gulped, not sure how much more truth he could handle today. “Please.”
“If . . .” Dylan cleared his throat. “When we split up and things were still ugly, if you had called, I . . .” He took a deep breath. “If you’d called, I would’ve taken you back in a heartbeat.”
Levi’s stomach flipped. “You could’ve called me.”
“Yeah. You’re right. But you didn’t, and I didn’t, and here we are.”
Closing his eyes, Levi exhaled.
“I’m happy now, and you’ll be happy when you get shit straight with him. Just don’t let the window of opportunity pass you by, okay?”
“I won’t.” Levi wiped a hand over his face. “Thanks.” He paused, chewing his lip. “Would it, um, be out of line to ask if there’s a chance we could be friends again?”
“Not out of line.” The smile was back. “Maybe one of these days we can do a double date.”
Levi laughed. “Yeah. Maybe.”
After they’d hung up, he set the phone down and sank against the back of the chair. His head was spinning, his heart beating a million miles an hour. The relief was so profound, he could physically feel the weight coming off his shoulders.
But another weight settled in its place. Fresh stiffness crept into his neck. He’d resolved things with Dylan, but the shit still remained with his parents. And Carter . . .
Levi rubbed his eyes.
A soft meow turned his head, and he lifted his arm so Link could jump into his lap. The cat climbed onto the desk so they were eye to eye. Reaching up to pet him took more energy than it should have. Even scratching Link’s ears couldn’t bring a smile to Levi—he was too fucked in the head for his purring, affectionate cat to cheer up.
Replaying the conversation with Dylan over and over in his mind, he decided his ex was right. This was bullshit. When petting his damned cat took this much energy and still couldn’t make him feel better, it was bad, and he was done.
He knew what he had to do. And there would be no working up any nerve. None of that courage swelling in his chest right up until he backed down at the very last second.
It was now or never, because if this moment wasn’t enough to make him do it, nothing ever would.
His hands were shaking and his stomach was sick, but he picked up his phone and made the call.
“Levi?” His mother’s smile was palpable all the way from Maryland. “This is a surprise.”
“Yeah.” He gritted his teeth against the rising nausea. “I wanted to tell you and Dad that I’ve met someone.”
“You— Oh, honey! That’s wonderful! Tell me about her!”
Levi winced. “Um, well.” Here goes. Just do it. “His name is Carter.”
The coffee he’d drunk almost came back up. He clenched his jaw and held his breath, his heart going crazy as his own words echoed through his mind. He could never take it back. The words were out and the demon was exorcised, and yet somehow the world hadn’t split open beneath him and he could still breathe. Sort of. He was dizzy with relief, but also with that crushing fear that reduced him to a fifteen-year-old who’d just admitted to swiping twenty bucks from Mom’s purse or taking one of Dad’s beers.
His mother broke the lengthy silence. “I beg your pardon?”
; Levi petted Link, which centered and calmed him a little, as did the big blue eyes staring back at him without implying he was a horrible person.
“His name . . .” Levi rested his hand on top of Link’s rump. “His name is Carter. And I love him.”
For a split second, he wanted to drop to his knees and lose it because he realized he did love Carter, and now he’d quite possibly lost his shot with him.
But that was followed by a surge of anger.
Because in his mother’s silence, he could hear the disgust that was likely widening her eyes and contorting her lips. He could feel the disapproval. The disappointment. And how many times in his life would that have reduced him to a prodigal son, begging for forgiveness and promising to change in order to please two people who could never be pleased? Especially not by their son living an honest, open life?
His mother took a breath. “I don’t—”
“I’m gay, Mom.” He didn’t feel the need to split hairs over his bisexuality. Whether or not she could comprehend the difference between the two, he didn’t care anymore. “I’m gay, and I’m in love with—”
“No, you are most certainly not,” she snapped. “That’s—”
“I really don’t give a damn what you think about it.” He clenched his teeth to keep from getting sick—who knew one statement could be so terrifying and so liberating at the same time?
“What? Levi, what has gotten into you?”
His hand trembled as he stroked Link’s long fur just to keep himself sane. “What’s gotten into me is I’m tired of lying to please you and Dad. It’s cost me too damned much and that stops now.” He’d never shaken this badly in his life.
“All those times you’ve looked me in the eye and promised me you were straight, you were—”
“I was lying. I was afraid of you and Dad rejecting me.”
She laughed bitterly. “And you think we’re going to accept . . . this?”
“Quite honestly, I don’t care if you do or not. I’ve made my choice, and that’s to be with Carter.” God, please . . . “What happens between me and you guys, that’s up to you, but Carter is nonnegotiable.”
