by Emma Nichols
Nikki laughed, an involuntary response.
‘What?’
‘You asked me the same question a long time ago,’ Nikki said.
Ariana shook her head. She didn’t remember.
‘And?’
‘No, I wouldn’t,’ she said, her voice reflecting the tension that gripped at her stomach. The fact that she would never leave Sakros had clear consequences for any life she might have with Ariana.
Ariana stood, wound in the reel and re-cast her line. She remained silent. Nikki half-watched her, her other eye on the bobbing float.
‘Where will you go?’ Nikki asked, eventually.
‘Huh?’ Ariana had been lost in thought and missed the question.
‘When you sell, where will you go?’ As much as Nikki didn’t want either the sale or Ariana to leave the island, she wasn’t going to deceive herself into to thinking things wouldn’t turn out that way.
‘I, umm, I don’t know,’ Ariana said, in almost a whisper. She hadn’t thought that far and she didn’t enjoy the feelings that had arisen as she processed Nikki’s question. ‘Europe somewhere, I guess.’
‘Were you happy?’ Nikki asked. ‘While you were away, I mean,’ she clarified.
Ariana’s legs lost their strength suddenly and she stumbled, dropped the line, and used her hands to break a near-fall, easing herself down onto a rock.
‘Whoa, you okay? Nikki asked. She went to put down her rod.
‘I’m okay,’ Ariana said, holding up her hand as if to say carry on fishing.
Nikki ignored the signal, placed her rod carefully on the rocks, sat next to Ariana and placed an arm around her shoulder. She was shivering.
‘I’m happy I have Soph,’ she said. She had never been happy in her marriage, and her mother had controlled her life for far too long. ‘And I’m enjoying being here, now,’ she admitted.
Nikki squeezed her close.
Ariana eased out of the grip and turned to face Nikki. She reached up and traced a line from Nikki’s high cheekbones, to the outside of her jaw and her chin, and eased her thumb slowly across Nikki’s full lips. ‘The happiest I have ever been in my life was when I was with you,’ she said, her voice barely audible.
Nikki’s lips twitched. She tried to swallow, but her mouth was dry. The twitching turned into a coy smile, and the tingling on her lips lingered.
Ariana reached up, swept Nikki’s hair back behind her ear and smiled. ‘You’re so kind,’ she said.
A whizzing sound and the rattling of a fishing rod dragging across the rocks pulled both women out of the moment. Nikki dived to grab the escaping pole, catching it just before it submerged. She shot it under her arm and worked the reel to gain control of the line.
Ariana jumped to her feet, a sudden rush of adrenaline heightening her competitive spirit. ‘You got it; you got it,’ she shouted.
Nikki laughed, mindful of the previous fish that got away. ‘Not yet, but that twenty is looking hot for my pocket,’ she teased. Easing the line in, she brought the fish close to the rocks and over the net. Holding the fish in position, she lifted the net and relaxed the rod. ‘Got it now,’ she said, facing Ariana with a smile that was about more than catching a fish.
Ariana leant into the net and unhooked the fish. ‘Grey Mullet,’ she said.
‘Supper tomorrow,’ Nikki said.
‘I’ll cook,’ Ariana offered.
Nikki laughed. ‘Can you remember how to gut it?’ she asked.
Ariana pursed her lips, trying to look offended. ‘Of course,’ she said. ‘Hasn’t been that long.’
‘And twenty Euros, remember,’ Nikki said.
‘I’ll have to owe you,’ Ariana retorted, smiling broadly.
‘Payment in kind,’ Nikki teased.
Ariana raised her eyebrows. ‘Really, Ms Kefalas! What do you take me for?’ She was finding it hard not to laugh.
‘About twenty Euros,’ Nikki replied.
‘This bet’s not over yet,’ Ariana retorted, picking up her rod, reeling it in and re-casting it with determined focus.
Nikki laughed, baited the hook, cast out and sat. ‘Double or quits?’ she asked.
‘Deal.’
*
‘I’ll carry the fish up,’ Nikki said, dropping her gear at the beach by the bottom of the path to the white house. Three mullet was an excellent catch, and weighing heavily on her shoulder.
‘That was fun,’ Ariana said as the clambered up the path with the energy of a teenager.
Nikki was only half-smiling, shaking her head, still mystified at the fact that Ariana had hauled two fish to her one. Having trebled the odds for the last bet, she now owed her a hundred and twenty Euros. ‘Hmm,’ she responded, enjoying the tease. It had been more fun than she had had since probably the last time she and Ariana had fished together. She had lost the bet then too.
‘You want a nightcap?’ Ariana asked as she opened the front door.
‘Umm, okay,’ Nikki replied, following Ariana into the house and dumping the fish onto the sink drainer. Studying Ariana, her stomach flipped. She blinked several times to focus.
‘Ouzo, right?’
Nikki grinned. ‘Thanks.’
Ariana pulled out two glasses and poured them both a shot. Handing one over, she took her glass to the sink, took a sip and then reached for the knife. ‘Sit,’ she said, her back to Nikki.
Nikki took a slurp of the drink, the burning in her mouth instantly awakening her to her arousal. She swallowed. Absorbed by the deftness with which Ariana cleaned the fish, time stopped. Ariana plated the fish, covered them, and placed them in the fridge. As the door closed, Nikki’s presence returned. ‘You haven’t forgotten, then,’ she remarked, standing as Ariana returned to the sink, washed her hands and picked up her drink.
Ariana stared into the soft hazel eyes. She had needed to stay very focused and work quickly to clean the fish and control the rippling sensation in her stomach that had led her hands to shake. Now, the focus of her attention was causing her whole body to tremor. She had never wanted anyone as much as she wanted Nikki, and yet, she had never been more scared of anything in her life. Even living the life she had, with a dominant husband and mother hadn’t been as frightening as this woman standing in front of her now. Wearing yes, but not threatening, not in this way. She didn’t know how long she had been biting down on her lip, but the subtle taste of iron alerted her, and she took a short sip of her drink, wincing as the alcohol eased into the small open wound.
Nikki closed the space between them. The fire in her throat didn’t compare to the longing that gripped her. She could still feel Ariana’s cheek resting against her chest, her thumb teasing her lips, her dark eyes caressing her body. She knew. Ariana was trembling. She reached out and took the hands, cold from the water, raised them up and intertwined their fingers, eased closer and leaned towards her. Ariana’s lips sat apart, and her breath was coming fast and shallow. Nikki could taste the warm aniseed air passing between them, its lure intoxicating. Nikki continued, eliciting a soft groan at the feel of Ariana’s lips against her own.
Ariana’s breath hitched at the contact. So soft, so…
‘Mum!’ The single word had the same effect as a finger in an electric socket, throwing the two women apart, immobilising them and rendering them speechless.
Soph stood in a crop top and knickers assessing the two women with a coy smile. ‘Hey, Nikki,’ she said, aiming to sound casual but coming across as something closer to thrilled.
‘Hi,’ Nikki croaked, her face flushing, her hand flicking through her hair, her pulse thundering.
‘It’s late,’ Ariana said sharply, then realised two pairs of eyes were looking at her as if to say, ‘And?’
Nikki started to chuckle.
Soph grinned as if to say, ‘Got ya.’
Ariana crossed her arms, uncrossed them, smiled, chuckled and then started to laugh.
Soph glanced from Nikki to her mum and back again and shrugged. She grabbed two tall g
lasses, filled them with cold water and headed back out the kitchen door.
‘Did you see what I saw?’ Ariana asked, somewhat perturbed.
Nikki closed the gap again, this time with a greater sense of urgency. ‘They’ll be fine,’ she said, silencing Ariana with her mouth.
Ariana fell into the kiss, spellbound, her tongue exploring, resuming a dance that felt so familiar, and so right. Her hands cupped Nikki’s head, pulled her closer, kissed her with tenderness, and for a brief moment opened to her. Then, without warning, she jolted out of the kiss and took a pace back. What was she thinking? ‘Sorry, I,’ she stammered, violently and pushed Nikki away.
Nikki froze. ‘I… I… I’m sorry,’ she stammered. ‘It’s my fault,’ she stated, shaking her head, admonishing herself, her hands raised to her ears, fire coursing through her veins, frustration flaring. Had she misread the signals? She pinched at the bridge of her nose, trying to process the last few minutes, the hours, the day, failing to come up with anything that made sense. What was she thinking? Slowly and calmly, lowering her hands to her side, she held Ariana’s worried gaze. ‘I’m sorry, Ariana. I didn’t mean to push you.’ The sharp pain piercing her chest spiralled deeper, penetrating her heart, draining the blood from her body, and the spirit from her soul. She turned slowly and walked away.
Ariana tried to respond, but the words were stuck, and unwilling to budge. Before she could bring them to the surface, Nikki had walked out of the kitchen and out the front door.
11.
Nikki stood at the top of the track leading down to the beach. She stared through glassy eyes at the moon shimmering on the water, the dark sky littered with tiny stars, trying to swallow back the anger and frustration that seemed to rise like waves, stirring and muddying her mind. At that moment, the few seconds of the kiss, she had never experienced such clarity, such purity. And then, in the next, the walls had collapsed, and here she stood, more wounded than she dared to admit.
Every pace felt laboured, her foot treading the dirt track cautiously and with a weight more substantial than the mass of her body, her stride shorter and purposeless. She paused at the bottom of the path, collected the fishing gear and trudged her way across the sand.
Manos studied the despondent form approaching. He didn’t need to ask what had happened, Nikki would tell him in her own time. His eyes drawn to the light glow above the rose garden, he nodded, as if he understood something that could only pass between those with utmost faith. He sipped at the clear liquid in his glass, leaned back and rested his eyes, enjoying the relative silence and the low hum of the night insects.
‘Pops!’ Nikki muttered, in acknowledgement, as she passed by the lounger and dropped her gear at the entrance to the bar.
‘Aye,’ he replied.
Nikki turned back to the beach and walked out to the water’s edge. She stripped to her bikini, strode into the sea, and dived as the water reached her knees.
Manos squinted to get his bearings, sipped, swallowed, and closed his eyes again, his ears tuning into the new sound accompanying the light ripple of the waves.
Nikki’s arms thrashed, her legs thrashed, and her head stayed under the water until her lungs reached bursting point. She thrust her head out of the sea, gasped for air and spluttered at the intensely salty taste caught in her throat. She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry, but most of all she wanted to be held, comforted and loved. Diving back under the water, the burning in her eyes exacerbated by the salty liquid, she pulled herself down, as low as she could go.
Manos gazed out at Nikki’s cry for help, his heart aching with his inability to alleviate her pain. He had seen Nikki like this before, just the once and it had broken his heart then too. He sipped at his drink, sighed and sucked through his teeth, his faith tested.
Nikki broke through the surface of the water, drew in a deep breath and started to swim. She would swim out until her arms and legs burned. Only then would she turn around and make her way back to the shore. She had done it before, she could do it again, and in that time, the hour or more it would take, she would let go of the past. She would help Ariana to renovate the house, and sell because she had promised - and maybe she could raise the funds to buy - but nothing more. She pounded the surface of the water, gliding at a fast pace out to sea, energised by the decision she had taken.
Manos waited.
*
Ariana slumped against the kitchen sink, her free hand covering her mouth, her heart racing and her head spinning. What just happened? How could a day that was going so wonderfully end so catastrophically? Already a fog had descended on her mind, and she didn’t know what, if anything, to believe. What was real? Her stomach squeezed into a tight ball and her chest followed, and she struggled for breath. She gasped, coughed, and swallowed the bitterness that burned more than her throat. Tears burst uncontrollably from her eyes and streamed down her cheeks, and she couldn’t stop her shoulders convulsing with the sobs.
She filled a glass with chilled water, tried to ease the fire in her throat, and her eyes welled up again. Another eruption of tears and the shaking took over her body and sapped her of any remaining strength. She slumped to the floor, held her head in her hands, and wept.
Scene after scene appeared in her mind’s eye: Teresa berating her for being an ineffectual mother; her husband criticising her for not providing for his needs; her life, a failure on every level. All of it, as clear as if the events were all happening now, simultaneously ripping through her, stripping her of everything she might have been. Her body continued to shake violently, her mind spun, and she screamed out. But there was no one to hear the voiceless woman in the corner of the room. Everyone she had ever loved had let her down, and now she was alone.
She wasn’t sure for how long she had sat on the cold tiled floor, her back to the sink cupboard, but the tears had dried, leaving a white residue on her skin and her head pounded; the house was silent.
She pulled herself up to stand slowly, gripping at the sink for support, her knees reeling under the pressure of the stress involved in standing upright. Her eyes refused to focus, declined to settle, and a wave of nausea drew a groan from her lips. Fighting, she waited for the feeling to pass, the dizziness to reduce and her strength to return.
She turned on the tap and splashed the cool water on her face. Taking deep breaths, she stood taller, her chest expanding more rhythmically with each inhalation. Her legs taking the strain, she walked out onto the kitchen balcony and stood, raising her head into the balmy air. What am I doing? She hadn’t meant to push Nikki away so forcefully, to reject her so vehemently. She didn’t want to reject her at all. On the contrary, she wanted her, needed her. She loved her.
She glimpsed the edge of the rose garden, the halo of light still visible by the light of the moon, the night sky dark but for the stars glittering, and sighed. Knowing Sophia wasn’t there, yet feeling her presence, helped to ease the tension in her mind. Her ears tuned into the hushing sound, the rhythmical, gentle ebb and flow of the sea drawing her eyes to the small white foamy squiggles that formed at the water’s edge, she stared, entranced.
*
Soph rammed the earphones deeply into her ears, to the point of pain, turned up the volume on her phone, and huffed. Music was preferable to the wailing she had had to suffer, which thankfully had now stopped, but she hadn’t been able to sleep, the space next to her having lost its comforting warmth. She reached across the bed, her hand caressing the sheet, Gianna’s scent reminding her.
She had tossed and turned for hours, worry vying with irritation as her thoughts drifted to the years of pain she had endured with her mother. Years of sadness. Years of dysfunction. Years of hurt. She had come to realise Ariana wasn’t a bad mother, just a depressed one. She had heard the arguments between Ariana and Teresa. Her grandmother had always won, and at first, and she had taken sides with Teresa until it had dawned on her that her grandmother was nothing other than a manipulative bully. Her father had barely been around,
but when he had he hardly ever spoken to Ariana, without it ending in a shouting match and, most often her mother’s tears. He had never given Soph the time of day, and she hadn’t been close to him, and especially since he hated the fact that she played music. She had grown to hate him too.
She sat up, finished the dregs of water in her glass, rubbed wearily at her heavy eyes, and clocked the time on her phone. 3 am. Her eyes burned and the pressure in her head was shouting at her to sleep, but she couldn’t rest. She lay back on the bed, eased her hands behind her head and stared at the ceiling, steering her thoughts to Gianna.
*
Nikki stopped, suspended, thankful for the buoyancy of the salty water assisting her to stay afloat, her arms making sweeping motions, her legs resting, barely paddling. The darkness of the water merged with the dark sky all around. She tilted her head back, her body rising to float, and studied the stars, barely a sound registering as her ears dipped under the surface of the water. Her body felt exhausted, but the extreme exertion had swept away the frustration, and she felt calm and more at peace.
The intensity of the last few days, seeing Ariana and resurrecting all the old memories, and emotions, had diffused a little and she could see more clearly. Ariana was in pain, that much was obvious. Conflicted even. Nikki hadn’t misread the signals; of that, she felt convinced. A closed-lip smile slowly formed. She knew Ariana, intimately, the shift in the colour of her irises when she was excited, sad, angry, and aroused. The way her cheeks shone when she smiled, and the dimple that formed in her right cheek when she laughed. The way her tongue toyed with her top lip and her teeth with her lower, and the seductive smile that would sparkle and bring depth to her eyes. She knew it all. And she had seen it, in the last few days. She had definitely seen the old Ariana, the one with whom she had fallen in love. The stress, the drama, the angst, that wasn’t Ariana. That was who she had started to become, under the constant influence of her mother. She just needs time.
Nikki righted herself in the water, moved onto her front and started the long swim back to shore. Smooth strokes and a renewed determination to be there for Ariana would make the swim back to shore a pleasant one.
