by David Smith
Dave struggled to keep his frustration in check ‘There doesn’t seem much point in worrying about strategy if we have no idea how to formulate it?’
O’Mara looked towards Panesar and Petrakova and blushed. Dave guessed he wasn’t going to like what came next. ‘Ah, well, most of my staff are serious, professional academics, so they don’t have a handle on such . . . marginal topics. But we do have a resource.’
The blush became more pronounced, and Dave immediately guessed what she had in mind. ‘You’re talking about Susan, aren’t you?’
O’Mara nodded mutely, but then defended herself. ‘It’s not as bad as it sounds! Susan has access to memory engrams with probably more expertise in this sort of thing than anyone else alive.’
‘Professor Nando Vincenzi??’
‘Er, well, yes?’ said O’Mara uncertainly.
Dave rolled his eyes in disbelief ‘But the man’s a complete charlatan!!’
O’Mara nodded, but wasn’t dissuaded. ‘Yes, possibly, but he’s a charlatan who’s actually studied the psychology of the mass audience. I wouldn’t trust him to analyse anything as psychologically complex as a pint of Guinness, but he’s about the only person in the Federation who’s spent any time at all looking at mass hysteria effects on the sort of scale we’re talking about.’
Dave still looked completely unconvinced.
O’Mara shrugged. ‘It’s only a thought: we ask, see what Susan comes up with, and if we don’t like it, we ditch that and go our own way. How risky could that be?’
Dave remembered the last time Susan had employed the thought processes of Professor Nando Vincenzi and the resulting two hundred light-year detour that had only been the start of their recent misadventures.
‘Did you really just say that?’ he asked his Science Officer.
She blushed again. ‘Well . . . yes. Look, it was all out of context last time. It was a mistake any . . . er . . . cognitively challenged computer could make. I know that sounds bad, but she won’t be buggering around with the warp-drive or anything! The worst that could happen is that we follow her advice and lose a contest. Surely it’s got to be worth considering?’
Dave stared at the deck-head and gave into the inevitable. ‘Ugh. Whatever.’ He straightened himself up and tried to show some professional detachment. ‘Ok, do it, but I want visibility of any decisions resulting from Susan’s output, and I want consensus of agreement from the E&E Department as a whole before we commit.’
O’Mara looked like she was about to burst and her wide smile returned from ear to ear. ‘Yes Sir!! Of course!’
Dave left them to it and sloped out of the office. The fate of the Sector resting on the thoughts of Tiger’s clinically schizophrenic computer. He realised he might have to revisit what he defined as having a bad day . . .
Chapter 13
‘Has anyone heard anything from Captain B’Stard?’
O’Mara looked up, pale and bleary-eyed. ‘You mean apart from the continual orgasmic moaning and occasional but regular screams of ecstasy that are keeping everyone on Deck 4 and 5 awake all bloody night? Or the incessant banging of the headboard against the cabin wall? And the really inappropriate screams of encouragement, like “Ride me big boy, ride me like a prize filly”’?
‘Or “Bang it!! Bang hard and bang it fast!”’ groaned Crash, managing a quite respectable imitation of Captain B’Stard’s voice.
‘The weirdest one was “Oh Deeper!! Deeper!! Oh my God! I can feel you in my descending colon”’ shuddered ASBeau.
‘Oh right! That explains “It won’t fit! It won’t fit! AAARRRRGH!! It does fit!!”’ mused O’Mara.
Dave tried to force the unbidden images from his mind and wished he’d never started the conversation.
O’Mara yawned before adding ‘Commander Mengele mentioned having to order more lubricant and cold cream next time we’re at Hole. Apparently Captain B’Stard is getting through the stuff even quicker than Captain LaCroix. Between the two of them they’re using up the ship’s stocks at a phenomenal rate.’
‘She hasn’t been to the Bridge then?’
Ruiz shook his head. ‘She hasn’t even left Joynes’ quarters in the last week. The Steward tells me he’s delivering six very high calorie meals to Joynes cabin each day, and whoever delivers it often goes in to find her and Joynes completely oblivious, but going at it liked crazed weasels. Some of them have requested therapy. Others just want ear-defenders and blindfolds. I’ve been sending her vaguely worded status updates and progress reports, but she hasn’t even opened them.’
Dave shrugged. ‘I guess we still have some time in hand then. I doubt Joynes will ever turn down the chance to . . . er . . . play hide the salami.’
O’Mara shook her head. ‘Probably not, but PO Siedle down in hydroponics says we might get to a make or break point soon: She’s running out of Joynes favourite weed.’
ASBeau winced. ‘If they crash after a solid month on weed they’re going to be really irritable and paranoid. And probably really, really hungry too.’
Dave knew they couldn’t afford for Captain B’Stard to start taking an interest in the ship’s affairs for the next few weeks. They’d have to find some way to ensure Joynes and B’Stard stayed in their cabin.
He decided positive action was needed ‘Ruiz, you have the Bridge, O’Mara, you’re with me: we need to have a word with PO Van Der Vaart.’
--------------------
They found Carys Van Der Vaart was in the chem-lab on Deck 2, still experimenting with ways to counteract the effects that aspirin had on the bio-chemistry of the Sha T’Al.
She listened to their concerns and thought about it.
‘Well, we could try LSD, like we did last time, but I don’t know what effect that would have on B’Stard. Joynes is pretty chilled, so no matter how surreal things got for him, he’d just smoke more weed and look on. B’Stard’s a lot more highly strung. I figure she might freak out, possibly do some damage to herself or others.’
‘Do we have any other options?’
‘Oh for sure!’ Carys nodded enthusiastically. ‘The chemist’s cook book is full of all kinds of interesting recipes. There are a few I’ve been itching to try, but. . . ‘ she paused, aware that her ‘hobby’ had seen her serving time in a Fleet corrective facility. ‘Look, I got busted for this sort of thing last time. Feeding exotic drugs to a Captain of JAG seems like a real career-limiting move.’
Dave nodded ‘Yeah I see that, but I’ve got greater concerns. If we do this, it’s on my call, so we’ll all be in it together.’
There was no small degree of exasperation in her reply. ‘Gee, Hollins, we can all do time together. That’s a great way to sell the idea.’
O’Mara spoke in Dave’s defence. ‘Ah, come on Carys, you know what this is about: If that harpy B’Stard has her way, we’ll be out of here tomorrow. She doesn’t give two hoots if the Tana and Sha T’Al go ahead and slaughter each other.’
Van Der Vaart looked uncertain. Dave knew that she’d worked as hard as anyone to help the Sha T’Al, but her previous disciplinary record meant she was looking at a third strike.
O’Mara could see she was wavering too. ‘My cousin Dervla was always getting into all kinds of scrapes because she had such a strong sense of right and wrong. I remember one time, she got into a terrible ruck on our estate when a rumour circulated that Billy O’Shaughnessy had been abusing young girls. Dervla was straight in there to protect him from the mob because they had no proof at all. She stood strong in the face of the mob and fought for fairness and benefit of the doubt over mob-rule. I was ever so proud of her, and told her that when they let her out of hospital. Not that it helped Billy either. They lynched the old bastard, which was probably fair enough as his house was full of kiddie-porn.’
Dave discreetly kicked O’Mara, who looked startled, then flushed and said ‘I’m not helping am I?’
Dave tried another angle. ‘Look, how about you tell me how to cook and I . . . ‘
&n
bsp; Van Der Vaart shook her head. ‘No, you’re right. I get it. This is about doing what’s right for the Sha T’Al, not what the rule book says. I’ll make something that’ll keep them occupied.’
O’Mara beamed broadly ‘What did you have in mind?’
‘I’ll run up a synthetic cannabinoid called slow-blow. It’s a complex chemical that induces quite distinct psychosis, normally making the user feel like the world is rushing around them at five or ten times normal speed. The side-effect of the psychosis is that the user’s brain tries to treat the psychosis as a reality. They really begin to move in slow motion, and it takes them forever to do anything.’
Dave couldn’t help but wonder. ‘Has Joynes been on this stuff for the last couple of years?’
Carys smiled, ‘Nah That’s just Joynes being Joynes. He can move pretty damned well when he needs too. Just ask Skye L’Amour.’ With a wink she added ‘Actually you could ask quite a few of the female Officers: rumour has it Joynes puts himself about a bit.’
Dave raised an eyebrow as he saw O’Mara flush bright red and tried to get back on topic.
‘Is it safe?’
‘As long as they’re not using heavy machinery or shit like that, yes. It’ll make a week seem like a day for them. And it’s easy to administer: we just spray it on Joynes’ ganja and let nature take its course.’
‘Sounds ideal. When can you get it done?’
‘It’ll be ready the day after tomorrow. Just get Siedle to keep spraying it on Joynes’ weed and that’ll slow down their consumption of the limited stock of weed, too.’
Dave breathed a sigh of relief. He was beginning to really believe they could do this.
--------------------
Dave entered the A&A Lab to find O’Mara, Selassie, Petrakova and Panesar sat at the small conference table.
‘Good day team. So what have we got, then?’ he asked.
O’Mara cleared her throat. ‘Susan, please summarise suggested competition strategy for upcoming Tana Empire mission.’
There was the slightest of pauses before the computer replied in a serious and professional tone ‘Lie.’
There was a pregnant pause as the members of the Science team tried to avoid catching Dave’s eye. ‘Two days of discussion, and that’s it?!’
O’Mara rolled her eyes and shrugged ‘Sorry it’s been a really long couple of days.’
She tried again. ‘Susan, please summarise suggested competition strategy for upcoming Tana Empire mission. But a little less succinctly and with a bit more detail.’
‘If you don’t want a succinct summary, please be a little more specific about what you do want’ said the computer huffily before continuing.
‘What I’m suggesting is that we fabricate background stories for each of our entrants. We find issues that resonate with the emotional profile of the Tana audience and weave these issues into the background stories of our operatives.’
This seemed to make sense to Dave. ‘What sort of issues are we looking for?’
O’Mara realised it would probably be quicker if she summarised their plan. ‘Our best chance is to trawl Tana news bulletins. We’re looking for two things in particular. We should score some success with issues that show an individual in a positive light that will engender admiration. However, our most likely route to success is through issues that draw out-pourings of sympathy. Everyone’s a sucker for a hard-luck story. Invariably the most successful competitors are those that get most air-time away from where they demonstrate their ability. The ones who have a triumph-over-adversity story the audience will want to hear.’
Dave wasn’t entirely convinced. ‘So you’re saying someone who sucks up the presenters and producers and can demonstrate over-coming personal tragedy will win regardless of their ability?’
‘That’s not entirely accurate, but if they have a modicum of talent, getting air-time and making the connection with the audience is far and away the best route to securing their votes. It’s the votes you can pull in, not your actual talent that wins you the contest.’
Dave still had one more concern. ‘What if we get caught lying?’
Susan clearly didn’t see this as an issue. ‘It will mean expulsion from the competition, but please bear in mind that we only need to maintain the facade for the duration of the competition itself and the award ceremony. We’re not looking to build careers in entertainment, only to win that introduction to the Emperor.’
Dave couldn’t fault her logic and looked at the A&A team. ‘Do you concur with Susan’s assessment?’
O’Mara looked around the team who all shrugged or nodded. ‘Well, it seems to fit with what we’ve observed in the human interpretations of these shows. There’s less evidence available for Tana shows, but from what we’ve seen, it does seem to adhere to that premise.’
Dave leaned back and sighed. ‘Alrighty then, start looking for sob-stories and inspirational anecdotes we can use. And I suggest you and I change our strategy for the Steward’s coaching sessions, Aisling: we’re still looking for eye-catching performances, but key to that will be someone who can act out whatever sob-story background we cook up, too.’
--------------------
The Senior Officers gathered in Tiger’s Officer’s Mess.
Dave cleared his throat and as everyone fell silent, he began. ‘Before we start, has anyone heard from Captain B’Stard?’
Katrin Mengele nodded. ‘Only in passing, Commander Hollins. In addition to his regular request for more tubs of cold cream and additional supplies of lubricant and condoms, the Captain and Commander Joynes have enquired if I had any knee-pads and speculums he could borrow. I did not speculate why.’
O’Mara added ‘We’ve begun treating Joynes . . . er . . . supplies with Van der Vaart’s special brew. Seems to be working; the Stewards staff said him and B’Stard are now quite a bit less frenetic than they were. A couple of the guys have hung around to watch. They said it’s like a slo-mo porno. Freaky.’
Dave shrugged. ‘In that case we proceed as planned. In a couple of days time we’ll have completed all necessary preliminary planning and take USS Tiger into Tana space. We’ll complete detail planning and sort out the final arrangements for the away team mission during the transit.’
‘When we reach the Tana home-world we‘ll establish a high orbit and spend approximately three or four days undertaking reconnaissance and surveillance. We’ll spend much of that time hacking local networks to ascertain what documentation and support our operatives will need to pass for Tana citizens. We presume they’ll need identity papers, references, and also an address complete with utilities etc. for the duration of the competition.’
‘Only when we’ve identified suitable landing points and perfected our cover-stories and backgrounds will we transport our selected operatives to the surface. They will seek to integrate themselves into the populace and apply for the allocated talent shows. We’re going to have multiple entrants as we need to be sure of getting one winner, and each entrant will need support on the ground.’
‘It’s a long haul of about fifty-five light years to the Tana home-world and a couple of the talent shows have already started. We’ll travel at maximum warped cruising speed to get to the home-world approximately twelve days in the past. Assuming all goes well, and the Tana Emperor is abducted at the end of year award ceremony, and we travel at high warp on the way back, we’ll get here in about two weeks time in our current time-frame. That will still be over a week before the Emperor is abducted, so we know we’ll not be disturbed by the Tana for at least that period.’
There were some slightly confused looks around the table, but Aisling O’Mara smiled broadly. ‘No sweat guys, we’ve been through this with Lieutenant Dolplop and it all stacks up. We travel back through time just far enough to fit in with the mission plan for USS Higgs.’
Dave could see that not everyone looked certain, but then, he wasn’t absolutely certain himself: he just trusted O’Mara who didn’t seem to struggle get
ting her head around making inter-locking plans in two entirely separate time-frames.
He decided to change the subject to one where everyone would be more comfortable if not more confident. ‘Commander Chamberlain, would you care to brief everyone on Higgs’ mission?’
Devon Chamberlain stood up and smoothed her uniform down. ‘By tomorrow Higgs should be coated in the LOAVES that we’ve seeded on the hull and can be made as stealthy as Tiger. When that’s done we can leave Cross-roads and head directly to a system nominated by the Sha T’Al First Minister.’
‘It’s a completely uninhabited ‘M’ class planet, very close to the border between the Sha T’Al home-worlds and the independent worlds that’s only about ten light-years from here. Tre Hal referred to the place as Dau Ranhal, which roughly translates as “the middle-ground”. He will personally accompany us and meet a delegation of other Sha T’Al Elders there to prepare the site for the planned meeting with the First Minister.’
‘Sha T’Al technology is far better than Tana technology. It’s on a par with our own from what Lieutenant-Commander O’Mara tells me, so our best bet for defeating their security is to get there before it’s in place. We’ll get a ground team into the area before they set up and hide them away.’
‘Higgs will stay in high-orbit and with the covering of LOAVEs we should be undetectable as long as we don’t transmit anything.’ She couldn’t stop involuntary shiver at the thought of letting her ship be strafed with phasers by the other Starfleet ships.
‘By the time First Minister arrives, the ground-team will already be in a position, ready to go. At a pre-arranged point, they’ll break cover, disable the Sha T’Al security personnel and take down the defences and inhibitors so we can transport the First Minister straight up to Higgs.’
‘For the sake of appearances, we’ll stage a kidnapping although Tre Hal will provide us with background information and access codes to get us through the main security barriers. We’ll have to deal with the First Ministers own security and personal guards on the fly, for which we’ll rely on the mission specialists being transferred from Tiger. We’ll also be taking several of Tiger’s senior staff as we’re short of experienced Ops staff.’
