by Jade Winters
Teal gave her a sad smile.
‘Anyway,’ she said brightly. ‘I’m not going to dwell on things. I’m going to sort out downstairs.’
‘So you can keep your mind occupied?’
‘Yep,’ Carissa nodded. ‘You up for another mini road trip then?’
‘Definitely,’ Teal said as she got out of bed and headed for the bathroom. ‘I’ll be ready in fifteen minutes. We’ll grab breakfast in the village.’
Teal glanced at her reflection in the mirror as she passed it on the way to the shower. She noticed how alive her eyes looked and wondered if it was just her imagination, or did they actually seem a little less morose than they usually did?
Her ten-minute shower ended up being twenty. She dressed and went downstairs, only to find Carissa standing by the front door waiting for her.
Carissa stood gazing out of the hallway window, oblivious to Teal’s presence. She was wearing combat boots with a short black dress that hugged her figure perfectly, accentuating her trim and graceful build.
Every time Teal blinked, she could see images of their love making from the night before flash before her eyes. It sent tingles shooting through her body.
‘You ready?’ Teal asked, coming up behind Carissa.
She jumped slightly at Teal’s voice. ‘Yes.’
They made their way to the car and began the drive to Swindon. Teal could tell by Carissa’s faraway gaze that she was preoccupied, only she wasn’t sure why. Was it because of Carissa’s telephone call with her mum or was it due to the previous night? If they were going to get through the next few weeks intact, there had to be one hundred percent honesty between them.
‘Is something bothering you? Teal asked.
‘Nope,’ Carissa said with a faint smile.
‘I’m just saying I know we had sex yesterday.’ Teal paused when she noticed Carissa wince at her blunt description. She had used the word quite deliberately. Not to hurt her but to make sure Carissa understood that it was nothing more. That they were both on the same page. The reinforcement was more for herself than Carissa, she suddenly realised.
Carissa shot her a side-glance that suggested she knew what Teal was getting at. ‘I have had sex before you know. Quite a lot of it in fact.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, really. So you can stop worrying. I’m not going to fall in love with you and stalk you.’
‘I didn’t mean … I … I’m sorry. She fought to find the right words to express her concerns. When she couldn’t she simply said, ‘I won’t bring it up again.’
‘Teal?’
‘Yes?’
‘You sound like you have trust issues,’ Carissa said, but there was no question in her tone.
‘Unfortunately … I do.’
‘And you’ve had no luck in exorcising them?’
‘Not as yet.’
‘Is that why you’re here?’ Carissa asked. ‘To cast out the ghosts of your past?’
‘Yes,’ Teal said truthfully. ‘That’s exactly what I’m trying to do.’
Chapter Fifteen
The windows were wide open, letting in the cool fresh scent of honeysuckle. The small radio in the corner played nineties hits and Carissa absently sung along to the music; swaying her hips in time with the beat as she painted the wall. Her arms were splattered with tiny specks of red. Carissa was in her element. She was finally doing what she loved—making a difference. As each day passed, the more confident she became in her abilities. Her choice of colours for each room worked well. The mixture of modern and new furnishings complemented the house perfectly. To top it off, she’d found an amazing abstract painting for a steal on eBay.
The fact that Teal loved what she was creating was an added bonus. And, Carissa thought to herself, if her mum decided to lend her the money for the deal Nicole had offered her she would finally be on her way. Nicole had given her the paperwork she had asked for and Carissa had already sent it on to her mum. Now it was just a waiting game. If her mum loaned her the money, Carissa had already decided she would sell the apartment straight away.
Carissa had done her homework. Luxury apartments flew off the shelves in the Cotswolds and the site on which Nicole was erecting the building was in a perfect location. Similar apartments were selling for a lot more. The price Nicole was letting her have the place for was a bargain. For Carissa, the investment was not only a business decision but the start of an adventure. Who knew how far she could go with the profit she’d make. Just that morning, Carissa had been online looking for website designers who could create the perfect setting to display her work. And this time she would have something to display—Teal’s cottage. So far it was coming along swimmingly, each room effortlessly coming together just as Carissa had seen it in her mind’s eye. Even a job as mundane as painting the walls was something she took huge pride in. Carissa never tired of making improvements, no matter how small.
Carissa sensed rather than saw Teal enter the room. She laid the roller on the tray and gestured to the wall. ‘So, what do you think?’
Teal took a few steps closer. ‘I love it.’
‘Really?’
Carissa cast a critical eye over the red wall. She wanted total honesty, even if it was negative. ‘You don’t think it’s too dark?’
‘Nope. I think it’s perfect,’ Teal said, coming up behind Carissa and wrapping her arms around her waist. ‘Just like you.’
‘Just when I thought this job couldn’t get any better,’ Carissa said, welcoming Teal’s soft lips on her neck.
‘Do you think we’ve got time for a quickie?’ Teal whispered into her ear.
‘You are so naughty.’ Carissa turned around in her arms. ‘If we carry on at this rate, we’re never going to get this place ready for sale.’
As Carissa said the words, she felt an immediate sense of sadness. She had no illusions about their future. Once the house was finished, so was her position. Which meant saying goodbye to Teal. The thought of it actually made her heart ache.
‘Hey, what’s with the sad face?’
Carissa forced a smile. ‘I was just thinking ….’
‘About going upstairs?’ Teal looked hopeful.
Carissa gave a short laugh. ‘You’re sex mad.’
‘I thought that’s what you liked about me,’ Teal said with a grin as she released her.
No, I like everything about you. Was that even possible? To have fallen for Teal so hard in the space of two weeks. Has it only been two weeks? Carissa didn’t buy into the notion of love at first sight, but she did believe in intense attraction. Since their first meeting, there had been a magnetism between them and it seemed to be growing stronger rather than weakening with each day that passed.
After their first encounter, Carissa had spent every night in Teal’s bed. They had eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner together. They made love practically every night and she slept wrapped in Teal’s arms afterwards—just like any normal couple. But that’s the problem, we aren’t a couple, are we? There was no logic or reasoning to their agreed set up. Which made things even more confusing for Carissa. This was more than just a physical attraction. It was true, Carissa admitted, she gave her love easily but she never gave it lightly. Maybe it was because of her father’s death that she had realised from an early age how fleeting life was. That there was no reason to hold back. At least that was her way of thinking. As for Teal’s feelings, Carissa had no idea because Teal never spoke about them. Ever. The only sign of her state of mind was her constant smile, not to mention her incessant randiness. That Teal desired her was not an issue. It hadn’t been since their first kiss.
‘Give me an hour to finish up and we can do whatever you want,’ Carissa said turning away.
Teal pulled her back. ‘Has anyone ever told you that you work too hard?’
‘Yes.’ She kissed the tip of Teal’s nose. ‘You.’
‘I know what we can do.’
Carissa moved back and bent down to retrieve her roller. She spoke
as she applied the paint to the wall. ‘Does it involve naked bodies?’
‘That can wait until later. Seeing as it’s Sunday, let’s chill out for the day.’
‘Like a date?’ Carissa said before she could stop herself. Am I trying to make her run a mile? Not for the first time, Carissa had to remind herself that what they had was not the conventional type of relationship, where deep feelings were aroused after a sexual encounter. Besides it was obvious Teal’s head wasn’t in the right place for anything more than what they had. She knew it and sadly, Teal knew it too. So why did Carissa feel so much for her? Why couldn’t she be more like Teal who didn’t seem to have a problem with being intimate yet leaving all the emotional baggage at the door?
‘No, not a date. More like a treat,’ Teal said, when she tuned back in. ‘Have you been to Arlington Row yet?’
‘Arlington Row?’
‘Uh huh, Bibury is famous for it,’ Teal explained as she walked over to the recessed window and sat on the edge. ‘A row of weaver’s cottages with the prettiest architecture you could find. It’s even in the British passport.’
‘Wow, sounds lovely.’
‘Maybe afterwards we could have a picnic. I’ll even make it myself while you finish up.’
‘You? Make a picnic?’ Carissa laughed as she looked over her shoulder at Teal. ‘Can the real Teal come out of hiding please.’
‘I’m right here. We can find somewhere really secluded, where it’s just you and me.’
‘Hmm, I know where this is leading.’
Teal held her gaze. ‘Somewhere with open skies. And I can ravish you.’
‘I’m sure people get arrested for that.’
‘I don’t care. I think it might inspire me,’ Teal said.
‘That would make me your muse.’
‘And that’s exactly what you are,’ Teal said. ‘Come on, get cleaned up and let’s go.’
‘But the wall ….’
‘Forget the wall, let’s go and have some fun.’
Two hours later, they sat under the shade of a massive old oak with generous branches. Carissa’s phone held countless images of the cottages on Arlington Row. Teal had been right, the architecture of the cottages was perfect. In the background, the faint sound of the church bells drifted through the air.
Carissa looked down at Teal, who’s head was resting on her lap, the rest of her body stretched out on the blanket. ‘Was this what you had in mind?’
Teal smiled. ‘It was actually.’
If Carissa had one wish, it would be to freeze this moment in time. Everything was how it should be.
She stared off into the distance and said absently, ‘I could imagine living here. Maybe I will one day, when I’m old and grey, my career is over and my children are grown.’
Teal wrinkled her nose in distaste. ‘I’ve never understood why people plan out their retirement so far in advance. I want to put it off for as long as possible. In fact, I don’t want to think about old age until it’s upon me and I have no choice but to confront it. But by then I’m hoping my mind will have abandoned me too.’
‘Whoa,’ Carissa said, shocked by her reaction. ‘That’s a pretty depressing outlook.’
Teal pushed herself into a sitting position and reached for her beer. ‘Life is depressing full stop.’
‘Not always.’ Carissa rubbed Teal’s shoulder. ‘This isn’t depressing. I mean us being here, right now.’
Teal turned to her. ‘No. Being with you isn’t.’
‘Well there you go then.’
‘But we’re only talking about now,’ Teal said challengingly. ‘And you only think that because you’re young, strong and healthy. We take it for granted that our way of life is forever but that’s the big joke. It’s not. It can change in an instant.’
‘I’m fully aware of that, Teal. But what’s the solution? Live our lives scared in the shadows? After my dad died, I carried so much guilt, I couldn’t even get up in the morning sometimes. My mum thought I was simply grieving, but I couldn’t tell anyone about what I did, or rather what I thought I did.’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t think. I shouldn’t have brought all this up.’
‘It’s okay. I don’t hide from it anymore. I’m at peace with my past. As an adult, I know shit happens. People die. Good people. Bad people. For reasons we’ll never know. But that’s just life. It’s a lottery. Who’s to say we’re going to get home in one piece.’
When Teal’s shoulder’s jerked, Carissa thought she was laughing. It wasn’t until she heard a choked sob she realised Teal was crying. Almost frantic with concern, her arms wrapped around Teal’s shoulders, pulling her into an embrace.
‘Hey, what’s wrong? Talk to me, please.’
Teal shook her head as her trembling arms clung to Carissa’s waist.
‘Whatever is happening with you is not going to magically disappear by ignoring it. Tell me what it is.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Yes, you can,’ Carissa pressed. ‘Just open your mouth and let whatever you’re feeling come out. Don’t be afraid of being vulnerable. Embrace it.’
‘I … I ….’ her words started to falter. ‘It should have been me ….’
Carissa frowned. She wasn’t quite sure what Teal was talking about. What does she mean it should have been her? Carissa kept her arms tightly around Teal until the shuddering in her body receded. Carissa didn’t want to force Teal into talking. The fact that she had even opened up a little was a step forward.
‘I’m sorry,’ Teal said a little later. The rims of her eyes were red raw and tears still brimmed in them.
‘You’ve got nothing to say sorry for.’
‘I’ve spoilt your day,’ Teal’s voice swallowed up into a sob.
Carissa grabbed a napkin from the hamper and handed it to Teal. Her skin was pale, her eyes red. In that moment, Carissa would have given anything to make Teal’s pain go away, even if it meant taking it on board herself. It was easy to forget that someone as beautiful and put together as Teal, might be suffering in silence, and yet she hid it so well.
‘Teal, these past couple of weeks have been the happiest of my life,’ she said, the tears welling in her own eyes. She quickly blinked them away. This wasn’t about her. ‘There isn’t anything you could do or say that could spoil that.’
Teal rubbed her hand over her face then reached down for her beer and took a swig.
‘Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?’ Carissa asked, squeezing Teal’s shoulder affectionately.
‘Not really.’
‘It might help.’
There was a long pause. ‘Talking isn’t going to bring her back.’
Carissa’s heart lurched. Is she talking about her one night stand? Does she regret not taking things further with her? No wonder she didn’t want to have anything serious with me.
Her heart ached as the words left her mouth. ‘It’s never too late, Teal. Call her. Tell her how you feel.’
Teal looked at her in confusion. ‘If I could I would, but the last I heard there wasn’t any reception in heaven.’
‘Heaven? I thought—’
After a moment of hesitation, Teal plunged right ahead, choking on her words. ‘I’m not talking about the woman I had a one night stand with. I’m talking about my best friend … Alana.’
Alana? This was the first time Teal had mentioned her. Carissa buried her face in Teal’s hair, rocking her gently as the flood gates opened and Teal finally revealed what had been torturing her. She spoke non-stop for nearly an hour. Her words were rushed, her tone full of pain. When Teal drew back slightly and Carissa looked into her eyes, she saw the shadows of the past flicker in them.
Oh, how Carissa wanted to banish them, with all the love she felt for Teal at that moment. To smother Teal’s soul with light and guide her out of the dark place she was in. But Carissa knew the only way that was going to be possible was for Teal to bring her thoughts out into the open, which was what she was doing now.<
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Carissa didn’t interrupt her. She remained silent and let Teal talk until she had drained herself both of tears and words.
‘All this time you’ve been punishing yourself for something you had no control over?’ Carissa said, her voice filled with compassion.
Teal ran her fingers through her hair. ‘It was my fault she died. I should have gone to the shop—’
‘But you didn’t.’ Carissa closed her eyes, imagining the horror of that day, but it was too painful to even try. Instead she held Teal tighter.
Teal’s voice was weak and muffled. ‘But I should have. It was me that wanted the wine in the first place.’
‘Do you believe in fate, Teal?’
‘Eh?’
‘Fate. That things happen for a reason?’ she tried to say it in a meaningful way but it came out wrong and instead was light-hearted, like they were talking about the fate of something irrelevant.
Teal gave a baffled smile. ‘Are you saying Alana died for a reason? That my life is more important?’
‘No,’ Carissa said quickly. ‘I would never say that. What I mean is that we have no control over other people’s lives. I know it’s hard to accept but it’s true. We only have one destiny and that’s our own.’
‘I get that. I really do, but I can’t help the way I feel.’
‘Well you could start by being a little kinder to yourself.’
Teal gave her a sudden sober look. ‘And how do I do that?’
‘By letting go,’ Carissa said softly. ‘By realising that you’re not God and you’ve got no say in his plan. That some things are beyond us mere mortals.’
Teal brushed her hair away from her face. ‘If only it was that easy.’
‘Anything worth having never is. If you want peace of mind, Teal, you’re going to have to start fighting back against your demons. Sounds like they’ve been running the show uncontested for too long.’
Teal listened with troubled eyes as Carissa listed all the reasons why she needed to let go, but all the while, her hold on Carissa’s hand grew tighter. After a several minutes, Teal smiled.
‘What?’
‘Nothing,’ Teal said, moving to lean back against the tree trunk. ‘Everything. It feels good to have actually told someone.’
