by A. C. Bextor
“I’m so sorry.”
“I know,” he replies quietly, with care.
“You’re my best friend.”
“That’ll never change.”
“It would kill me to lose you, Travis.”
“You never will.”
“Ace won’t . . .”
Just as I’m about to finish my reasoning for hurting him, the door opens and the light from the hall illuminates the room. Lacey’s figure looms in the doorway.
When she speaks, I hear the annoyance clearly in her voice. “If you haven’t already, you two should fuck and get it over with.”
“Lacey,” Travis warns. “Don’t.”
“Your friends are looking for you,” she replies. “Ellie and Devon are out there wondering where you’re at. It wasn’t hard to figure out you were somewhere together.”
Travis releases me completely and my chest sinks with the loss of strength his body gave me.
As he walks away, I hear him tell Lacey, “Say nothing. What you saw was nothing.”
Once he’s gone, Lacey carefully watches me for a moment. “Sometimes we don’t always see what’s in front of us until it’s not there, Sarah. But having outside distractions won’t help you see any clearer.”
“Lacey,” I whisper, unsure she can hear me. I cross my arms around my middle, comforting myself and aimlessly trying to guard my mind from what just happened.
“You love him, Sarah. But you’re hurting him,” she rightfully observes. Walking to me, Lacey stands at my side and wraps her arms around my shoulders. Instinctively I rest my head on hers. A few tears of sadness and uncertainty fall from my eyes and I don’t make a move to swipe them away; it would be pointless.
“Lacey, you know we can’t. . . .”
“Ace,” she answers quickly, already knowing.
“There’s more to it than just my brother,” I tell her. “I can’t lose Travis. If we didn’t work out, I would.”
“You’re losing him already.” The cold truth of her words rushes over me.
“Whoever there is, Sarah, and whatever you’re fighting, isn’t something so big that it’s harder to battle your way through than a broken heart. Other people, things, and any other outside influences don’t matter as long as you’re happy with who you choose to love.”
“I do love him,” I admit, but not to her. It’s an admission said aloud for myself.
She turns to stand in front of me and pushes my hair from my shoulders to my back. Then she wipes the fallen tears off my cheek and says, “If he’s not what you want, so be it. Let him go. Just be careful with him, please. Travis doesn’t love easy. You know that. And when he trusts someone, he trusts them with everything. But you already know this, too.”
“I don’t know how to do this.”
“You do. You and Trav have been together for years, honey. Maybe not in that way, but you’ve always been connected.”
“He’s going to be angry soon. I know it. He’s going to hate me.”
“You know as well I as I do, Travis could never hate you.”
“I wish I was a kid again,” I tell her honestly. Life was so much easier then and for the first time I admit to myself that living under Ace’s thumb wasn’t so bad after all.
“Yeah, well, you’re not. You’re a beautiful woman with a heart that’s lost. You’re still grieving, Sarah. It’s understandable considering Bean was such a big part of your life. But, no matter what the two of you decide, it won’t feel like this forever.”
“How did you figure us out?” I ask, curious to know what finally gave us away.
“Aside from my wedding night?” she jokes, causing me to flinch.
Lacey and Hayden walked in on Travis and me in a semi-suspicious position the night of her wedding. No one’s talked about it since it happened, but apparently they still think about it.
“Few things, I guess. The biggest enlightenment came when Devon picked you up at Trav’s last week. It wasn’t so much his reaction to Devon, but more his reaction to you with Devon. He watched you, never looked away.”
“He watches everyone, Lace.” I snap back the truth she can’t deny.
“He doesn’t look at Rae, Marlee, or even Ellie the same way he looks at you.”
I shouldn’t ask, but of course I do. “How’s that?”
Her answer is quick; she didn’t have to think it over or contemplate at all. “He looks at you as if his world moves with only your presence in it. And as though the idea of breathing hurts if he’s doing it without you near him.”
God, I didn’t think this could feel any fucking worse. “You got that from a look?”
“Travis has many. Just one saved for you, though.”
“I want him to be happy. With or without me. I want that for him.”
She smiles, leans her temple to mine, and offers more clarity. “He wants that for you, too. If you end up with a man who doesn’t give you everything Travis could . . .” she pauses. “Well, I hate to imagine Trav’s reaction.”
“I’m fucked.”
She laughs out loud. “Between him and Ace, you’ll never find a man strong enough to withstand what they’ll put him through.”
“Christ,” I hiss. “You give a lot of advice.”
She laughs. “It’s not really advice. I’m only telling you what I can see. Whether you take it or not is your decision.” She shakes my shoulders, pulling me out of my daze. “Come on. Help me find my husband so we can clear everyone out. You and Travis really do need to talk and if I’m not mistaken, it’s possible Devon just asked Ellie out for a drink after.”
That would be too fucking easy.
* * *
Travis and Ellie were gone by the time Lacey and I made our way out of her spare room. Devon looked furious. I’m willing to bet that Travis wasn’t gracious and kind on his way out of Hayden’s house.
I reiterated to Devon, again, on the way home that he and I are friends and I’m not ready to date. He assumed correctly when he told me it was because of Travis, but I didn’t confirm or deny.
He said he’s accepting my friendship, but won’t wait around for me to decide if I want more. I said that was fine and there was no need to wait. I could tell he had more to say. He asked to come inside and talk, but I refused. When he looked across the front seat and saw Trav’s Jeep, he got visibly angrier, but said nothing.
When I started to get out, he said he’d call. I won’t wait by the phone. I think I’m done with Devon, friendship included.
When I make my way into the apartment, I find Travis sitting on the couch alone. Ellie’s VW Bug wasn’t outside parked next to Trav’s Jeep, so I already know she didn’t come in after dropping him off. I’m partly relieved, but I could’ve used her as a barrier between Travis and me. I could’ve escaped to my room, without having to face the broken man drinking whiskey alone in his darkened living room.
“Figure out your shit yet?” he asks with a slight slur.
Correction. Ellie could’ve been a barrier to the broken, angry man who’s sitting in his darkened living room.
His question pisses me off. “Really?” I ask, irritated.
“Yes, really,” he mocks, then stands from the couch and stalks toward me before I’m able to put my stuff down.
“Where’s Ellie?” I ask, still on guard.
“We aren’t talking about Ellie.”
“We aren’t talking at all.”
“Guess not,” he replies quickly. “I’m all out of words for you anyway.”
“But you’re not out of whiskey,” I snap back, looking at the bottle in his hand. It has to be said, there are several reasons Travis doesn’t drink hard alcohol. Not only does it make him an asshole, it also makes him sick for days after.
“Nope,” he returns.
“I’m going to bed,” I tell him, as I start to move past him, eager to get away.
“Yeah. Do that. Since I don’t have anything to wait for, I’ll be out here catching up with all my friends. Mayb
e I’ll make a few calls.”
I hear his unsaid threat and the tone he voices it in.
“Don’t call anyone, Travis. Rae and now Lacey already know too much.”
“Well, the rest don’t know shit. People need to be enlightened.”
“You’re an asshole,” I respond, untucking my blouse from my skirt.
“Maybe, but no one’s around to care anymore.”
“Don’t do this,” I plead, knowing he’s not finished.
“Ellie wants me to go away with her next weekend. She wants us to ‘explore’ what we’ve started,” he tells me, slightly swaying in place.
“Then you should,” I answer, not certain what else to say.
He walks closer to me and my ass hits the table as I try to back up. “You think I’m an asshole already, so it won’t be a surprise when I tell you that while I’m deep inside her body, I’ll be remembering the feel of yours.”
I close my eyes, wishing he hadn’t said that. It’s completely out of character. His hand touches my waist and I jump at the connection to this person I don’t recognize.
“She sucks cock, though. You never did. That’ll be all her.”
I feel my eyes widen. I swallow hard, trying to forget his further insult regarding what we once had. “Why are you doing this?” I ask softly.
“Because I have nothing else to do, Sarah.” He sets the bottle on the table beside me and walks away, leaving me alone in the midst of his anger, guilt, and sadness. “I’m goin’ to bed. Fuck all of this.”
Slowly taking a seat at the dining room table, I watch as Travis slams his bedroom door shut. I listen closely to what I imagine are heavy items from his room slamming against his wall—one after the other. I close my eyes and pray he’s not hurting himself in the process of working through his fury.
I’ve never seen Travis act like that, and definitely never toward me. I’ve broken him. The soft knock at the door causes me to jump. I take a quick look to Trav’s room and thank God for the silence. He’s either calmed down, asleep, or passed out.
Opening in the front door to the apartment, I find Devon standing on the other side of it. His hands are in his pockets and he’s looking down.
“Devon?” I ask, bringing his eyes to mine.
“Can I come in?” he asks with a tone I can’t place.
I turn around to quickly glance back into the apartment, and then push him outside. The porch light shines on his face, revealing his expression. He’s angry.
“What are you doing here?” I ask quietly, silently praying Travis can’t hear us from inside.
His tone is a warning. I’ve never heard him use it. “We weren’t done with our date.”
As I move back slightly, my back hits the front door. He walks closer, closing the distance and I brace my hands behind me for support.
“I bought you dinner.”
“Yes,” I agree, confused.
“I did everything you wanted. I asked you out, I picked you up, and I put up with your fucking friends.”
“Okay,” I try agreeing to cut him off.
“What didn’t I do?”
Feeling myself getting less uncomfortable, but more defensive, I snap, “What?”
“I didn’t ask you to blow me.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I ask as my eyes narrow. “I don’t owe you anything. We’re friends.”
“Friends,” he hisses, leaning closer. “We’ve been friends for too long. You led me on.”
“Not at all,” I deny because it’s true. He’s delusional.
Before I can contemplate the severity of the situation, Devon grabs my arms, pinning them above my head as his body blankets mine. His head moves down quickly and I then I feel his lips on mine. The kiss isn’t gentle—it’s violent. His tongue is pushing against my lips and his fingers are tightening around my arms. I try to pull away but the strength of his determination doesn’t waver.
I taste liquor on his breath before he bites my bottom lip and I yelp a muffled cry, giving him an opportunity to push farther into my mouth.
I don’t panic because I’m not as much scared as I am pissed.
“You’re a fuckin’ tease,” he says. “You’re nothing,” he tells me. “You’re a fucking waitress!”
Closing my eyes, again praying Travis doesn’t hear this, I demand in a calming tone, “Let go of me, Devon.”
“Blow me,” he says, letting go of my arms and pushing my shoulders in the direction of the cold concrete we’re standing on.
I fight him, but this spurs his anger further. “Let me go,” I say again.
Quickly, he moves his hands to my waist and changes our position. He’s pinned me against the wall beside the front door and his hands are at my neck again. He’s squeezing tightly enough that I feel the warmth of my blood rushing to my face.
My right knee comes up of its own accord and I ram it into his balls as hard as I can. I hear him hiss in pain so I open my eyes and watch as he bends over. My left knee comes up and strikes his nose. I feel the crack upon contact.
“Get the fuck out of here,” I hiss at him.
He’s on the ground, blood dripping sparsely from his nose. I should have clocked him harder.
“You’re a cunt.”
Oh my God, I hate that fucking word.
“Get out!” I say louder, no longer caring if Travis wakes. Even in a drunken state, Travis would kill Devon for touching me the way he just did.
I walk into the apartment for safety and watch as Devon slowly stands. He’s searching the porch, trying to find me. When his eyes find mine, I close the door halfway.
“Cunt. You’re a fuckin’ waitress. You serve me food.” He laughs sardonically. “Fuck you,” he spits out before turning around and walking away.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Sarah
AFTER CHECKING THE windows to ensure Devon’s really gone, I lock up the apartment, walk to the fridge and help myself to a beer.
Dear God in heaven, what the fuck was that?
Making my way to my room, I contemplate waking Travis or calling Ace. I’m unsure what I’d say, considering Devon is far worse for wear than I am. My arms ache slightly from his hands and both my knees sting from kicking his ass. I can’t help but smile while reliving Devon’s motions as he picked up his ego on the way out.
Fucking bastard.
I change into Trav’s shirt and shorts before crawling into my bed. Thoughts of Devon disappear as soon as my adrenaline starts to slow. My mind rewinds further into the evening—to Travis and me standing in Hayden’s dark spare bedroom.
You broke my heart, Sarah.
Travis said that.
I need to be with you.
Travis said that, too.
At first, I thought my refusal to discuss our relationship was because I’d regretted what had happened between us. I didn’t. Self-preservation and worry about losing him as my best friend was my biggest concern. Facing Ace, of course, was next.
He thought I was feeling guilty and to avoid remembering it, I wanted to avoid bringing it out in the open for examination. He, on the other hand, needed to talk about it.
Talking to Lacey tonight, however briefly, was a relief. To a point, she was understanding. Obviously she’s his little sister and doesn’t like that I’m hurting him, but I’m trying to protect him. If the others found out about Travis and me, they’d feel pressured to tell Ace. He would come apart. There’s no telling his reaction. My brother’s the one unknown variable I’m most afraid of.
Closing my eyes tightly, I take a breath and try to deny everything.
While I’m deep inside her body, I’ll be remembering the feel of yours.
The thought of him spending a weekend with Ellie, cementing their relationship and committing themselves to each other, at any level, sickens me. My stomach aches with loss. My head hurts from regret, but my heart lies open and vulnerably exposed.
For the first time since all this started I’m second-guessing my
decision to deny myself what I want.
I’m all out of words for you, anyway.
And he is. Travis is his own person. He doesn’t look to others for approval and keeps himself guarded, rarely letting someone in. By chance, God put him in my life and no matter how angry his words become, I know I have his heart. And he also has mine.
I feel the tears start to form in my eyes and I look to the ceiling in hopes they don’t fall. “Bean,” I say out loud. “Tell me what do to.”
Silence. She doesn’t answer.
Grabbing my phone from my jacket pocket, I pull it out to find a text.
Lacey 10:34 p.m. Are you okay?
Not really, but I’ll lie. It seems I’m lying to just about everyone anyway, namely myself.
11:14 p.m. Yes.
Lacey 11:16 p.m. Talk to him, Sarah. If he’s what you want, tell him. Either way, just tell him something that’s true.
I don’t send a response. After tonight, hearing Travis lay his heart open to me; I’ve come to the conclusion I should’ve already reached. Closing my eyes, I take a breath and try to imagine a life without him in it. His friendship, his care, his constant struggle to watch over me, but most of all, his love. Once I open my eyes, more tears fall.
I don’t want to ever be without him.
Sometimes we don’t always see what’s in front of us until it’s not there, Sarah.
Lacey’s right.
Flipping through the music on my phone, I find the country song Travis was playing last week when I came home early from dinner. I’ve only heard the instrumental version since Travis doesn’t sing as he plays. Turning it up only enough so as to not bring attention to my room, I listen as Brantley Gilbert sings about a girl he’s always loved, but sadly she never noticed.
Crawling into bed, I close my eyes and try to sleep.
Hours later, I’m jolted awake by a vague, pleading voice coming from across the hall.
* * *
Travis
“I’ll find out,” the menacing man says before folding his phone and looking around the room again.
Reaching down to my mom, who still lies asleep on the floor, he pulls her blonde hair roughly and spits, “Other guests are about to arrive, cunt. I suggest you start movin.’ You need to clean the place up before the boys get here.”
