by A. C. Bextor
He was asleep an hour later when I carefully rolled out of his bed to avoid waking him. He didn’t wake up as I grabbed my clothes and headed to the bathroom to shower. He still didn’t wake up at three a.m. when I finished dressing and went into my own room to catch a metaphoric breath.
When I examined myself in my bedroom mirror, my face looked tired from my body’s exertion. My lips were still pink from his mouth aggressively taking them, and my chest was red from his stubbled jaw, and extremely sensitive to the touch.
I’ve only had sex with one person before Travis and it was an epic disaster. I was drunk then too. I was at a party and was angry at those I thought were ignoring me at the time. Lacey had come waltzing into our lives and she had taken Hayden away from me. My thinking wasn’t rational, but at the time it didn’t matter. Travis was seeing a woman named Kate. I didn’t necessarily dislike her, but felt she was taking some parts of Travis away from me. I ended up looking for acceptance the only place I thought I’d find it. In a stranger’s bed, with most of my clothes still on, as he took my virginity and never looked back to see me crying afterwards.
The feeling of having Travis against and inside me, pushing me to accept him the way he was, was emotionally demanding. His words of encouragement, telling me to let go, forced me to feel something I didn’t recognize.
It was a connection to him that’s always been there, but until last night has never been so . . . present. I wasn’t prepared for the fear that came after.
As I stood in my room, contemplating what do, I started to feel sick. I knew what we had done, again, but this time I knew there was no chance to backpedal my way out of it. There were no more excuses that my heart would allow me to make. There weren’t any more reasons to resist what’s been unfolding for far longer than I ever have known.
Travis Nikels has always belonged to me.
As I’m sitting at the table this morning, sorting through my Olivia-vandalized purse, I hear Travis rummaging through his room. The sound of dresser drawers closing causes me to jump. I feel a pang of anxiety knowing I’m about to face him for our first real morning together.
Not being a morning person myself, I realize the importance of taking a few minutes to wake up. I give it to him as he comes from his room, stops in the hall to give me a soft look, and then continues on his way to the kitchen. He’s wearing an old pair of faded black jogging pants and he’s shirtless. He has sleep lines on his face and chest. It’s hard to look away.
As I gather the rest of my things strewn about the table and throw them into my purse, I focus on him standing near the couch, but notice he doesn’t make a move to sit.
“Good morning,” I start.
His voice is raspy, and a little accusing. “Where were you when I woke up?”
His body is tense, and I don’t know what else he’s about to say. Maybe he feels much differently than I do. Maybe he woke up and thought last night was another of my life’s colossal fuck ups and now he’s left to pick up the pieces and repair it.
Looking around at the table in front of me, I motion with my arms where I’ve been. He’s too pissed off to notice the gesture of my answer so I use words. “I’ve been here since I showered earlier this morning.”
Bringing himself over to the table, he puts his juice down, grabs a chair, pulls it out, and sits across from me.
“Last night . . .” he starts, looking at his hands resting in his lap. I hold my breath waiting to hear what he’s about to say.
Don’t tell me you regret this. Please don’t tell me you’re sorry and it was all a mistake.
He runs his hands over his face, then through his short, strawberry-blond hair that’s darkened from the winter months, and pauses before continuing. “I woke up this morning and thought you bolted.”
Understandable.
“I didn’t bolt, Trav. I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and showered and came out early to make my coffee.”
He exhales in relief and I realize that since we’ve just started I’ve now got to prove myself worthy; prove that I won’t run from this as I’m sure he expects me to.
“I didn’t like fallin’ asleep with you beside me, then wakin’ up and findin’ you gone.”
“Well,” I draw out, “I won’t tell you it won’t happen again. You sleep like the dead. I wake up early and happy every day.”
Such a lie, but it gets him to smile as I hoped it would. I wake up cranky as fuck; I know this and have been told so by anyone who’s witnessed my early morning temperament.
“Hard not to sleep like the dead,” he says. “After I was rocked so long I crashed. Christ, I didn’t think one person could move so much. Figures it’d be you who could.”
My nose scrunches as I hold the coffee away from my lips. “Did you just make a joke?”
“No, not really. What if I did?”
“We’d have to work on your delivery. You’re not a funny person.”
“I may not be, but I also don’t rock in my sleep.”
“Fuck off,” I reply, smiling, putting down the cup.
Reaching across the table, he moves my coffee out of the way, and I wince slightly as he pulls it to his side of the table. Thinking he’s about to drink it, I smile. Trav hates the taste of fresh-ground morning goodness.
He stares at it briefly before his eyes meet mine and I watch his hard stare for a few seconds, not understanding what he’s after.
“What the hell are you staring at?”
“Thought maybe you’d see your coffee move to a different seat, you’d catch on that you’re supposed to follow it.”
Rolling my eyes, not committing verbally to my annoyance, I stand and walk to where he’s sitting. I’m about to carefully lower myself to his lap when he pulls me down onto him with a tug to my arm. I land hard and brace my hand on the table.
“Aggressive!” I shout.
His arms relax and he allows me to situate myself so I’m straddling his lap with my back to the table. Sitting back, I lean my elbows on it.
“Did I hurt you?” he asks, wrapping his wrist around my hair, which has fallen down my back.
“No, but you could’ve asked me to come over and say hi.”
“Not that, Sarah. I meant last night. Are you sore?”
Yes, but the good kind. I noticed this morning my inner thighs held an ache, but it’s not worth mentioning, so I don’t. “I’m fine.”
Leaning his face to mine, he smirks before informing me, “I’m going to kiss you good morning now.”
I smirk back and nod my agreement.
The morning kiss turns into a fumbling session when Trav realizes I’m not wearing anything under his boxers. His hand makes its way up my shirt after realizing I’m not wearing a bra either.
“You’re going to be the death of me,” he tells me, finally pulling back and leaning back against the chair, taking me with him so I’m leaning my front against his chest.
“I was before, remember? Broken heart and all that?”
His expression turns serious before he replies, “Too soon, Sarah. Not enough time has passed for your jokes.”
“Sorry,” I answer quietly.
“And never enough fuckin’ time could pass for that to be funny.”
“Sorry,” I repeat, this time not as quietly.
“We’ll work on your delivery,” he states, smiling wider than I ever remember him smiling before.
“Kiss my ass.”
“So mouthy,” he replies, and then asks again, “You’re not sore?”
“No.”
“And, I didn’t hurt you?”
God, he’s starting to drive me crazy. I hate to admit this, but it will help ease his worry. “It wasn’t my first time, Travis.”
“I know this.”
“Then stop thinking you hurt me.”
To assuage his concern, I decide to distract him. Moving my hands to the hem of my shirt, I raise it over my head. Before my hair falls down my back and I’ve cast the shirt to the side, Trav
is grabs my wrists, leaving my arms in the air above me.
And he’s fucking fuming.
“What is this? What the fuck happened?” he seethes, his finger running over what must be the expanse of skin where Devon’s fingers were.
“It’s not a big deal.”
“That’s not a fuckin’ answer, Sarah.”
Clearing my throat, I start to stand, removing myself from his lap. His hands fall and he grabs my waist and pulls me back down. I land roughly and watch his eyes narrow with further agitation.
“Devon came over last night,” I start, hoping to get this over and done with so we can enjoy the day.
“What the fuck?” he snaps.
Settling my hands on his shoulders, I squeeze them gently. I feel his fingers digging in at my waist. “Let me talk.”
“Talk!” he snaps back.
Taking in a deep breath then releasing, I tell Travis what happened, the simple version anyway. “After I came home, and you went to bed, Devon came back.”
“And?”
“He was put off by the way I ended our date last night.”
Sitting back, Travis keeps hold of my waist, but pulls me closer to him. “How’d it end?”
“With me telling him goodbye?” I pose it as a question, but I’m not sure why.
“So he didn’t like that?”
“I’m guessing not.”
Travis’s face is lethal. His jaw is ticking as his mind races with scenarios. It’s not until he speaks that I realize how far his fury runs.
Not at Devon, though. He’s pissed at me.
“Tell me why the fuck you’d open the door to this apartment, let him put his hands on you, hurt you, and you not come get me.”
“He didn’t come inside!” I exclaim. “You were pissed at me already! You had just told me you were going to let Ellie suck your dick! Do you not remember?” I shout again, this time leaning back and trying to fight my way out of his hold.
Standing up, Travis places me on my feet. Pointing to his bedroom, he shouts, “I was in the other fucking room, Sarah. You were out there with him and he had his fucking hands on you and you said nothing!”
Stepping back from him, I start to lose my temper with his accusation. “It wasn’t your problem to deal with, it was mine.”
As I spin around in a small circle, I hear Travis mumbling but can’t make out the words.
“Travis, it’s done. I took care of it. He won’t be back.”
Stopping from his spin, he places his hands on top of his head and laces his fingers together. I watch as every muscle that cords his chest tightens. “You took care of it?”
“Yes.”
“How’s that?”
“I think I bruised his nose, but I know I got him good in the sac.”
“You went after him?”
“No! I defended myself and won.”
“When I was in the other room,” he clarifies while seething.
“When you were in the other room passed out and hating me,” I correct.
Lost in my own train of thought, I hadn’t notice Travis walking away from me and toward the kitchen. I hadn’t realized he was headed into a maddening dash to release his anger. I catch on, though, as I watch him swipe the kitchen counter with his huge arms and send all the contents, including glasses, pans, and silverware flying into the air. The swear jar he bought me a long time ago when I first moved in, filled with coins, hits the floor, causing a mess of pennies and nickels at my feet.
“You’re insane!” I shout, looking at the mess on the floor.
“I’m pissed!” he clips back, louder than I had yelled.
Taking a step away from him, I admit, “You’re scaring me.”
“You don’t know real fear, Sarah. Obviously, or you’d have come and woke me up last night! Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you?” he returns, turning around and walking into his room.
I jump when his door slams shut.
* * *
After Travis dressed, grabbed his keys, and stormed out of the apartment, I let myself feel the effects of what just happened.
Leaving the mess on the floor in the living room and kitchen, I go change my clothes as I debate if I should call or text Travis. It’s not a good idea, so I decide against it. There’ve only been a few times in my life that I’ve been nervous to approach him and this is the worst it’s ever been.
He needs room and I’ll give him that.
The knock at the door as I’m standing in the bathroom looking at my tear stained face brings me out of my thoughts.
“Hold on!” I tell the extremely impatient person waiting on the other side.
One knock, I get. Repeated knocks with little time in between tells me it’s going to be the one person in my life I often try to avoid.
When I open the door I find my brother standing with his hands on hips looking down and studying his thick black motorcycle boots. I swallow hard, hoping Travis hasn’t already mentioned last night to him. We haven’t had a chance to discuss how and when we plan to tell Ace. We were enjoying our morning before my apparent stupidity in opening my own front door ruined everything.
“Ace,” I greet, trying to be casual.
“Squirt,” he returns, pushing the door open as I step out of his way. “What are you doin’ today?”
Well, I had planned to hang out here and let Travis do whatever he wanted to my body before making a light lunch and settling in front of the television for a marathon of Snapped.
I skip all the details and instead offer, “Nothing.”
He scans the room and zeroes in on the mess of glass and coins near the kitchen floor “What the fuck is that?”
“Oh, nothing. Travis dropped my swear jar.”
Cocking his eyebrow, but thankfully letting the mess slide, he asks, “Trav got you a swear jar?”
“Yeah, he thought it would help with my mouth.”
“Does he fuckin’ know you?”
“Apparently fucking not,” I quip, half smiling, and relax further as I see Ace’s eyes light up with humor.
“I was thinkin’ of going to visit Bean this afternoon. Thought I’d stop by to see if you’d like to ride out with me. I brought the bike.”
“I would.” That sounds like exactly what I need, but don’t voice my relief. “Give me a few minutes. I need a coat.”
“I’ll wait,” he says gently. “Take your time.” Pointing to the jar that “slipped,” he asks, “Want me to clean that up while I wait?”
Surprised by Ace’s offer to do anything other than lecture or yell at me, I smile and answer, “No, Travis can get it.”
Thirty minutes later, with my body already sore from last night, I climb on the back of Ace’s bike wearing Rae’s helmet and we make our way down a long stretch of road to the cemetery where we left our beloved Bean what feels like years ago.
As we walk to her resting space, Ace wraps his large arm around my shoulders and roughly brings me in to his side using his vast strength. This is our way of showing affection. In moments like these, I love my brother more than I could ever make him understand.
“It’s pretty here,” he observes out loud.
Sitting and getting comfortable next to Bean, I look up at him. His face has a lost expression. His stance appears questioning; completely unsure. Ace doesn’t do well with death, so a cemetery must act as kryptonite, challenging his always-badass exterior.
He continues talking while I stay quiet, holding back emotions that are threatening to spill. “She loved this place when she was alive, remember?” he asks softly, but doesn’t wait for my answer. “She said the trees would keep her cool in the summer and hide her from the wind in the winter.” Using his hand to remove the fallen leaves from her stone that look to have been there too long, his tone gets gentler as he asks, “Have you read her letter?”
“No.”
Crouching down beside me, I notice Ace’s face looks sad, causing my damning tears to blur my vision. “You should rea
d it, squirt.”
“I will when I. . . .” I can’t finish. My body finally releases a sob of the grief I’ve felt since Travis overreacted the way he did and ruined our morning together.
More than anything, I wish Bean was still around to tell me how to handle this. I rarely ever sought advice from her because I had always assumed she was old and didn’t know what she was saying, but now as I look back, Bean always knew what she was talking about and usually could foresee when Ace and I were about to make a mistake.
Ace lands on his ass and pulls me to his side. He kisses the crown of my head and squeezes my shoulders tightly to him. “I miss her too, Sarah.”
“I want her back.”
“I know.”
“Everything is broken.”
Pulling me from him carefully, he moves the hair from my shoulder and puts it behind my back. “What’s broken?”
“Me.”
Leaning back in to me, he kisses my temple this time and holds me tighter to him. “You’re not broken, squirt. You’re crazy as fuck, but that’s not broken.”
“Funny, asshat.”
“It’s all I had.” He smiles. “You’re upset about somethin.’”
“I am.”
“Well?”
God, I want to tell him. I want to tell anyone who would listen and offer advice. More than anything, I want to tell Bean.
“Trav’s pissed at me.”
“I thought something happened there. What was it?”
Wiping the tears and pulling away from him, I lie. “Nothing worth talking about, but it’s been a bad morning.”
“Then you’re right where you should be.”
Surprised and happy he hasn’t pushed me to tell him what’s going on, I say, “I am. Thanks for bringing me with you, Aceface.”
He smiles shortly. “Anytime. I’m always around. It’s tough finding time since you don’t live with me anymore, but I’m here. I feel like fuckin’ shit about how you left. I’m gettin’ shit done and finishing up what I said I would. You can come back anytime.” He pauses, then says, “I’d like you to come back soon.”
“I like you now, Ace. I didn’t before.” I smile, breaking the tension around his eyes. “Let’s leave it alone and I’ll think about it. I don’t mind living with Travis, really I don’t.”
