by A. C. Bextor
I smile, knowing what few adult toys I’ve acquired, probably caused him a mental break.
“I’ll talk to him.”
“Better do it soon,” Lacey tells me. “Here comes the party pooper now.”
Ace hears what she calls him, but instead of reacting, he keeps his concentration on me.
Great.
“Got a minute?” he asks. The others quickly vanish from sight. Traitors.
“Yeah. Where’s Travis?”
“I don’t know,” he returns. The liar knows, considering he was just talking to him.
“What’s up?” I ask, trying to be casual.
“Here,” he states, thrusting the letter into my hand. “Read it. No time like the present.”
I don’t call him on his bullshit of pushing me before I’m ready. Truth be told, Travis was right months ago. I won’t ever be ready.
Taking the letter, I look down. The effect the envelope had on me at one time isn’t there. I don’t feel sadness. After everything I watched Travis and Lacey go through, the loss of Bean pales in comparison. Not that her words won’t hurt to read, it’s just that I’ve realized how lucky I was to have her in my life for as long as I did.
“Cathy and Brian are about ready to go,” he tells me. “We’re all hanging outside tonight, I think.”
“We are. Rae wants to watch the sun come up.”
His eyebrow rises. “That’s like six fuckin’ hours from now.”
“Tell your woman that. That’s a lot of time for all of us to be together, but whatever.”
“Sarah?” I hear Trav call my name and I turn to find him.
He’s standing in the doorway of the bedroom he and I shared when we were here. God, it feels so long ago, but it hasn’t been.
“Yes, dear?” I answer, feeling Ace kiss my temple.
“See you guys out there,” Ace mumbles. He looks at Travis and asks, “You got her?”
Trav nods once. “Always.”
“Thanks, man.”
After Ace walks away, it’s Travis and me standing in the living room alone. His large body is leaning against the wall by the door and he’s looking at me skeptically.
“You don’t have to do this,” he says, lifting his body from the wall.
“I know.”
“We can do it tomorrow. Or when you’re ready.”
“I’m ready, Trav.”
“I’ll leave you to it.”
“Okay.”
Travis starts to pass me, but stops and leans down to kiss my head. “I love you,” he says, standing straight.
“I know.”
“I’ll be outside.”
“Okay.”
Looking around the living room, I hear voices coming from the kitchen and formal dining room. Not many guests linger, but enough to know I won’t get enough privacy if I stay in here.
I decide to move to the other room.
“Come on, Beanie. Let’s go have a chat.” I smile to myself, hearing her say those words.
Situating myself on the bed, I take a quick look around the bedroom. Travis and I shared a pivotal weekend together in this room. I woke up without him the next morning and that day my life fell apart again. Thankfully, everything worked out and things are good.
Things are great.
I can already hear Bean’s voice as I start to read what she had to say all those months ago. . . .
Sarah,
I sigh, hearing her voice say my name. She also always had a tone she’d use for every instance. This one is trying to console me.
How do I say goodbye to my best friend?
I’ve started this letter many times, but haven’t been able to gather enough courage to finish it. The pen always shakes in my hand and the pain in my chest feels too heavy to focus on the words that need saying. Maybe it’s because I know my leaving will be your first real heartache and I’m going to be the reason for it.
I can’t be there to help you through this and that brings me an unrelenting sadness.
Looking up and staring at the wall ahead of me, I wipe my eyes. “Fucking hell, this shit hurts,” I utter quietly, but continue reading.
When you first came to live with me as a toddler, you were quiet and shy. You looked up to Ace the way children look up to their favorite heroes. So often you hid behind his protective guard. You were a pain in his side, but he returned your loving sentiment even though it was through his projected frustration and torment toward you. After a while you started trusting me and you let me in your heart the way you were already in mine.
It was then your life truly began.
Through your younger years you started to change. You developed your own personality and traits that others had no choice but to accept. You weren’t sure of your place in this world so you fit wherever you were able.
You were a whirlwind of crazy, drama, and love all mixed together. No one could deny your character; it was who you were that we all fell in love with.
When you started to grow up and make a path for your teenage self, you changed again. Unbeknownst to you, you became my best friend for so many reasons. Your wit, humor, and even your foul morning disposition were things I loved having in my life. As crazy as you made those around you, you filled a place for them with your presence.
Your antics kept us young.
Through more tears, I laugh out loud. No one’s around to hear me, so the sound of my voice echoes in my chest. “You were just as crazy, Bean.” I swallow hard and whisper what I hope she already knew. “You were my best friend, too.”
As you started to become a woman, you weren’t given the chance to thrive as you should have. My body became old and tired as it inevitably would have. With great regret, I knew I was holding you back.
It’s time you finish what you’ve started so you can become who you’re supposed to be.
Stay off your phone, Sarah. Talk to the people in your life as you know you should. Rather than hiding behind a screen, share pieces of yourself you’ve always been afraid for others to see. Trust them to love you and they will.
Watch your mouth. Beautiful girls don’t need to get the kind of attention dirty words bring with them.
Turn the television off. You don’t need characters on a television set to give you what you’ll miss if you don’t, which is your own happily ever after.
I just got lectured and she’s not even here to let me respond. Shaking my head at her, I frown. “I did spend too much time on my phone when you were here, Bean. I’m sorry.” My frown doesn’t stick around long. “But, you watched as much TV as I did,” I accuse.
Be nice to Ace. He’s tried so hard to love you and he has, but it was always when you weren’t looking. Until you make your own, he’s what’s left of your family.
“If he’d quit being an ass, I’d be nicer.”
Speaking of family. . . .
“Fuck.”
Make sweet little ones so I can watch them grow up from wherever I’m headed. Shower them with the love you once had for me. The pain of me leaving will pass soon enough and you’ll have all that much extra to give away. There’s nothing more rewarding than receiving the unconditional love a child can give.
I should know, it’s what you always gave to me.
The tears are coming down again. It’s a lost effort to try and remove them. Grabbing a Kleenex from the nightstand, I reply to her as if she’s still here. “The pain from you leaving hasn’t passed yet, Bean. It’s gotten easier, but it’s not gone. I miss you so fucking much.”
Above all, Sarah, follow your heart. The mind creates doubt and insecurities and when it does it causes us to question who and what we’re truly meant to see. Oftentimes it makes us blind to what’s been right in front of us the entire time.
And he’s been in front of you this entire time. Don’t let him wander lost for too much longer, honey. Find him. He needs you, too.
My eyes close tightly. Travis told me Bean gave him her blessing. She was up to something before she
died and I missed it. “Shit, Bean. Are you enjoying this? I bet you are.”
I love you so much and I’m sorry I’m not there to help you through your devastation, but maybe knowing I’m still with you in spirit will ease your grief and help you get through it a little easier.
I’m never far away.
All my love,
Bean
My thumb circles her signature at the bottom. My chest, although feeling heavy, doesn’t ache with the desperation it once did. “I love you so so much. Thank you for everything.”
The one-sided conversation I’ve been having with Bean is interrupted by a soft knock at the door. Travis doesn’t wait for me to answer, but cracks the door and sticks his head through.
His eyebrows rise before he asks, “You good?”
“Yes.”
“Just checkin,’” he informs before withdrawing and closing the door quietly behind him.
“He’s impossible, Bean. I can’t believe you were plotting! From your hospital bed too, for goodness’ sake!”
Folding the letter and putting it back in the envelope, my eyes look at my name written with her shaky little hand. “I’ll give you babies if you want ’em, but I’ll warn you now—these little babies are going to be part Travis and part me. I don’t think Ace will survive them.”
I laugh as I get off the bed. I grab the door handle but it’s pushed open before I have a chance to open it.
Travis stands on the other side. He never moved. When he looks up from the floor, he smiles—a full smile that he rarely lets others see. “You look better than I thought you would.”
“I feel better than I thought I would,” I tell him. I smacking the envelope to his chest and he catches it as I explain, “Ya know, if I’d picked Devon over you, this letter would be a little awkward to read.”
Grabbing my wrist, pinning it against his chest, he answers, “If you’d just read the fuckin’ letter it would’ve saved me a fuck load of headaches. Her too, probably, considering you know she’s watchin.’”
“Didn’t think that through, did I?”
“Do you ever?”
Shaking my head, I agree with him. “So, you and Bean conspired before she died? When and where was I?”
“Correction, Bean conspired. I was just dragged into it. I don’t know where you were but she trapped me. I couldn’t tell her no; I never could.”
“Do you think she’s happy right now?”
He grabs me around the shoulders; my hands grab his waist and hold on tight. “Yes, Sarah. I think she’s over the fuckin’ moon right now. All her kids are grown up and happy.”
“She wants babies for her to watch.”
“Christ.”
“I imagine she probably wants a few.”
“Jesus.”
“Yeah. I gotta find the right guy,” I jest.
“You probably should.”
“Wonder how long Hayden and Lacey plan to be married.”
“Wonder how long it’ll take you to figure out when to stop sayin’ shit like that.”
“I’ll stop now.”
“Thank fuck,” he breathes, pulling me tighter to him. “Everyone’s on the other side of the door waiting. You need a minute or are you good?”
“I’m good.”
Following Travis out the door and into the living room, the first person I lock eyes with is Ace. He looks nervous as he takes in my face. I’m sure I look like hell from crying, but they aren’t tears of anger or grief.
“Ace,” I start, as the others listen and wait.
“Yeah, squirt?”
“I read it.”
“I know,” he replies and looks around at our friends for support.
Rae is standing next to Toby and Marlee. Hayden has Lacey wrapped around his middle and I feel Travis standing behind me.
“Are you okay?” Ace asks quietly.
I shake my head and will the tears not to pour, but in the presence of all Bean’s ever given me in the form of those she loved the most, I can’t help but let them fall.
Looking down, I tell everyone who’s listening, “She’s not coming back.”
The room stays quiet, but I hear Ace’s boots on the carpet, heading toward me. Grabbing me around the shoulders, I let my forehead hit his strong chest for comfort. “I know she’s not, but I think she’s still here.”
I let out a heart-wrenching sob that Ace catches. “I think so, too.”
Exhaling a sigh of relief, Ace explains it. “I’m so fuckin’ glad you read it.”
“She wants me to have babies,” I tell him.
“Fuck,” he mumbles against my hair.
“Are you going to be able to handle that?”
I hear Rae laugh and Marlee giggle quietly. Lacey exhales and says, “Let’s talk about Sarah having babies another time.”
Trying to regroup, I look up at Ace and offer a heartfelt smile. “I’m really glad she never suffered. She didn’t deserve that.”
“No, squirt, she didn’t.”
Ace nods at Travis behind me, and then pushes on my shoulders to get me to move. I feel Travis’s arms around my waist, pulling him to me. Ace’s eyes are watery, but they look the same as mine. He’s no longer lost in sadness or grief. He’s basking in relief.
“Let’s go!” Marlee exclaims, clapping her hands. “Brian ordered fireworks and they’re about to start.”
“Fireworks,” Ace repeats with an eye roll as he grabs Rae against his side and starts to usher the others out.
“Ready?” Trav asks in my ear.
“Yep.”
“You need a few minutes?”
“Nope.”
“Then let’s go.”
* * *
Hours later, we’re all lying on our backs on the beach, looking at the sky, each of us under light blankets. The night wind is cool as it brings in the mist from the ocean.
“He kissed me,” I explain to the others, remembering the night of my drunken stupor after I got arrested for public intoxication. “I called Hayden to come get me, but he sent Travis.”
“Fuck yeah, I did,” I hear Hayden return. “I wasn’t about to bail your ass out.”
Lacey, settled in Hayden’s arms on their own blanket beside ours, jumps to my defense. “I was pissed about that, Sarah.”
“Very,” Hayden adds.
Travis squeezes me against him before telling the others, “I did not kiss her that night. She was so God damn drunk, I wanted to drown her crazy ass.”
“Whatever. We kissed.”
“It was sloppy,” he replies and the others laugh.
Ace pipes in from the other end of our crowd. He and Rae are on the opposite end of the row of blankets. Rae set up the sleeping arrangements to keep Ace and me at a distance. “I don’t want to hear this shit. Sarah’s still a virgin.”
Travis coughs to control his laughter and I bury my head against his chest to control mine.
“Travis and I made out at Hayden’s wedding, too. It wasn’t sloppy. It was hot as fuck,” I confess. “We were both drunk that night.”
I hear Ace’s voice more clearly than before so I peek my head up above the others lying between us in silence. “You did what?”
Hayden turns his head to me and whispers, “Sarah, I hadn’t told him the particulars, so maybe you should stop talking.”
“No,” Ace corrects Hayden. “I’d like to hear what I missed.”
Travis puts in next, “No, man. You don’t. Let it go.”
I hear Ace’s heavy sigh then Rae’s voice trying to soothe him. She’s using his name to calm his nerves and I smile, knowing her efforts are pointless. It doesn’t work when Trav does it to me and I’m sure Ace feels the same.
“What do you think Bean’s doing?” Toby asks.
“Playin’ cards,” Ace says in unison with Travis.
“I don’t believe that,” Hayden adds. “I bet she’s cooking.”
“I miss her chicken parm,” Toby says. “She never forgot to invite me over for t
hat.”
“I miss her cookies,” Lacey adds. “That woman was hell on those chocolate chips.”
“I miss her,” I whisper to Travis.
“I know,” he whispers back.
Sitting up, I lean my elbows on his chest. “Thank you for listening to her. Whatever she had to say the day she gave you her blessing was important to her.”
Travis’s fingers run through my hair and in the light of the first firework exploding above us I see all the love I’ll ever need in those big green eyes. “She knew I loved you, Sarah. She was just trying to tell me how much I loved you.”
“Who are we going to go to for advice now?” I ask him, thinking no one’s listening.
Hayden heard me, though. “Me. I’m good at that shit. I’ll handle all the advice that needs to be given from now on.”
Marlee laughs out loud, then Rae joins in.
“Fuck that,” Ace says. “We’ll figure out whatever we gotta figure out, but you’re the last person to be giving advice.”
I look down at Trav again and he winks. He knows as well as I do how important Hayden was in getting and keeping us together.
“We’re leaving soon,” Hayden tells us, his tone not up for debate.
Lacey gently explains his reasoning, but she doesn’t have to. We already know. “Liv’s not used to sleeping away from home so Hayden’s already made arrangements to pick her up.”
“I get it,” Marlee speaks in his defense. “I miss Jordan and Madd, too.”
“Deck’s not home tonight,” Ace says and I feel the groan from Trav’s chest as I lay my head back down.
“You’re leaving too, aren’t you?” he asks.
“Unless you want to listen to Rae, we probably should.”
Travis closes his eyes and takes a breath. “No. I’ve heard Rae before. How about you go before you have to hear Sarah.”
Oh my God!
I suck in a breath and wait for Ace to climb over four people to get to Trav. Insinuating to my hotheaded brother that Trav and I are having sex isn’t going to go over well.
“We’ll never ever speak of that again,” Ace states loud and clear, as the others remain stoically quiet.
“Thank fuck,” Trav returns.
“Amen,” Toby states.
“I like talking about it,” Hayden adds before being elbowed in the ribs by Lacey. “You people are so sexually closed off. It’s not an epidemic, for fuck’s sakes. It’s sex.”
