by Jim Butcher
“Inari,” Thomas said gently. “You need to rest. You’ve barely slept and your arm needs time to heal. You should get to bed.”
“How can I?” she said. Her voice started shaking and cracking, as if she were weeping, but no tears fell. “How can I? I don’t know who you are. I don’t know who I am. I’ve never felt anything like that. What’s happening to me?”
Thomas sighed and kissed her forehead. “We’ll talk, soon. All right? I’ll give you some answers. But first you have to rest.”
She leaned against him and closed her eyes. “I felt so empty, Thomas. And my mouth hurts.”
He picked her up like a child and said, “Shhhh. We’ll take care of it. You can sleep in my room for now. All right?”
“All right,” she said. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against his shoulder.
Still damp from the shower, I grew cold enough to bite the bullet, take off my duster, and put on the Hawaiian shirt. The duster went on over it, which went a long way toward neutralizing the shirt’s presence. I packed up everything to go and headed for the door. Thomas was just leaving his room again, locking it up behind him.
I stared at his profile. He cared for Inari. That much was obvious. And whether he wanted to admit it or not, he had cared for Justine as well. I felt cold, bitter anger run through me when I thought of Justine, who had risked her life for him on at least one other occasion. Who had given up her life for him last night. The sheer, vicious passion of my anger surprised me. And then I had another intuition.
He hadn’t meant it to happen. Thomas may have hurt or killed the woman he loved, but the anger I felt wasn’t solely a reaction to what he’d done. I was standing on the outside this time, but I’d seen this situation before, when the Red Court had destroyed Susan’s life. I would never have wished harm on Susan, not in a thousand years, but the fact remained that if she hadn’t been going out with me, she probably would still be in Chicago, writing her column for the Midwest Arcane. And she would still be human.
That’s why I felt such anger and shame when I looked at Thomas. I was staring into a mirror, and I didn’t like what I saw there.
I’d all but destroyed myself in the wake of Susan’s transformation. For all I knew, right now Thomas was worse off than I’d been. At least I’d saved Susan’s life. I’d lost her as a lover, but she was still a vital, strong-willed woman determined to forge a life for herself—just not with me. Thomas would not have even that much consolation. He’d been the one to pull the trigger, so to speak, and his remorse was tearing him apart.
I shouldn’t have tried to hurt him more. I shouldn’t have started chucking stones from within my own glass domicile.
“She knew what she was doing,” I said into the silence. “She knew the risk. She wanted to help you.”
Thomas’s mouth twisted into a bitter smile. “Yeah.”
“It wasn’t your decision at that point, Thomas.”
“I was the only one there. If it wasn’t my call then whose was it?”
“Your dad and Lara knew Justine was important to you?”
He nodded.
“They set her up,” I said. “They could have handed you anyone. But they knew Justine was here. Your father gave Lara specific instructions to take you to your room. And from what Lara said on the way here in the car, she knew what he was going to do.”
Thomas lifted his eyes. He stared at his door for a moment and then said, “I see.” He clenched a hand into a fist. “But it hardly matters now.”
I couldn’t refute that. “What I said was out of line.”
He shook his head. “No. You were right.”
“Right isn’t the same thing as cruel. I’m sorry.”
Thomas shrugged and we said nothing more on the matter.
“I’ve got places to go,” I said, heading down the hall. “If you want to talk, walk me out.”
“Not that way,” Thomas said quietly. He stared at me for a minute and then nodded, some of the tension leaving him. “Come on. I’ll take you around the guards and monitors. If my father sees you leaving, he might try to kill you again.”
I turned around and fell into step beside Thomas. The puppy whimpered and I scratched him behind the ears. “What do you mean, again?”
He spoke quietly, his eyes flat. “Inari. He sent her to you when he saw that you left my chambers.”
“If he wanted me dead, why didn’t he just come and do it?”
“It isn’t how the White Court fights, Harry. We use misdirection, seduction, manipulation. We use others as instruments.”
“So your dad used Inari.”
Thomas nodded. “He intended her to have you as her first.”
“Um. First what?”
“First lover,” Thomas said. “First kill.”
I swallowed. “I don’t think she knew what she was doing,” I said.
“She didn’t. In my family, we start off life like any other kid. Just . . . people. No Hunger. No feeding. No vampire stuff at all.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Not many do. But it comes on you eventually, and she’s about the right age. The panic and the trauma must have acted like a catalyst on her Hunger.” He stopped by a panel in the wall and nudged it with his hip. It slid open, revealing a dim corridor between interior walls. He went down it. “Between that, the painkillers, and the exhaustion, she didn’t know what was going on.”
“Let me guess,” I said. “The first feeding is lethal.”
“Always,” Thomas said.
“But she’s young and could be forgiven a loss of control under the circumstances. So I end up dead and it’s a believable accident. Raith is clear of any blame.”
“Yeah.”
“Why the hell hasn’t anyone told her, Thomas? What she is? What the world is really like?”
“We’re not allowed,” Thomas said quietly. “We have to keep it from her. It’s my father’s standard procedure. I didn’t know when I was her age, either.”
“That’s insane,” I said.
Thomas shrugged. “He’d kill us if we disobeyed.”
“What happened to her mouth? I mean, uh, I wasn’t exactly feeling observant when it happened. I’m not sure what I saw.”
Thomas frowned. We left the concealed passage for a dimly lit room halfway between a den and a library, thick with books and comfortable leather chairs and the scent of pipe smoke. “I don’t want to get too personal,” Thomas said. “But who was the last person you were with?”
“Uh, you. During this walk.”
He rolled his eyes. “Not like that. In the biblical sense.”
“Oh.” The question made me feel uncomfortable, but I said, “Susan.”
“Ah,” Thomas said. “No wonder.”
“No wonder what?”
Thomas stopped. His eyes were haunted, but he was clearly making an effort to focus on the answer. “Look. When we feed . . . we mingle our lives with the prey. Blend them together. Transform a portion of their life into ours and then pull it away with us. Got it?”
“Okay.”
“It isn’t all that different between human beings,” he said. “Sex is more than just sensation. It’s a union of the energy of two lives. And it’s explosive. It’s the process for creating life. For creating a new soul. Think about that. Power doesn’t get more dangerous and volatile than that.”
I nodded, frowning.
“Love is another kind of power, which shouldn’t surprise you. Magic comes from emotions, among other things. And when two people are together, in that intimacy, when they really, selflessly love each other it changes them both. It lingers on in the energy of their lives, even when they are apart.”
“And?”
“And it’s deadly to us. We can inspire lust, but it’s just a shadow. An illusion. Love is a dangerous force.” He shook his head. “Love killed the dinosaurs, man.”
“I’m pretty sure a meteor killed the dinosaurs, Thomas.”
He shrugged. “Th
ere’s a theory making the rounds now that when the meteor hit it only killed off the big stuff. That there were plenty of smaller reptiles running around, about the same size as all the mammals at the time. The reptiles should have regained their position eventually, but they didn’t, because the mammals could feel love. They could be utterly, even irrationally devoted to their mates and their offspring. It made them more likely to survive. The lizards couldn’t do that. The meteor hit gave the mammals their shot, but it was love that turned the tide.”
“What the hell does that have to do with Inari getting burned?”
“Aren’t you listening? Love is a primal energy, Harry. To actually touch that kind of power hurts us. It burns. We can’t take any energy that’s been touched by love. It dampens our ability to cause lust, as well. Even the trappings of love between two people can be dangerous. Lara’s got a circular scar on the palm of her left hand where she picked up the wrong wedding ring. My cousin Madeline picked up a rose that had been a gift between lovers, and the thorns poisoned her so badly she was in bed for a week.
“The last time you were with anyone, it was with Susan. You love each other. Her touch, her love is still upon you, and still protecting you.”
“If that’s true, then why I am still adjusting my pants every time Lara walks by?”
Thomas shrugged. “You’re human. She’s lovely and you haven’t gotten any in a while. But trust me, Harry. None of the White Court could wholly control or feed from you now.”
I frowned. “But it was a year ago.”
Thomas shrugged. “If there hasn’t been anyone else, then it’s still the strongest touch of another life on your own.”
“How are you defining love?”
“It isn’t a simple formula, Harry. I’m not sure. I recognize it when I see it.”
“So what’s love look like?”
“You can have everything in the world, but if you don’t have love, none of it means crap,” he said promptly. “Love is patient. Love is kind. Love always forgives, trusts, supports, and endures. Love never fails. When every star in the heavens grows cold, and when silence lies once more on the face of the deep, three things will endure: faith, hope, and love.”
“And the greatest of these is love,” I finished. “That’s from the Bible.”
“First Corinthians, chapter thirteen,” Thomas confirmed. “I paraphrased. Father makes all of us memorize that passage. Like when parents put those green yucky-face stickers on the poisonous cleaning products under the kitchen sink.”
It made sense, I guess. “What do you want to talk to me about?”
Thomas opened a door on the far side of the library and slipped into a long, quiet room. He flipped on the lights. There was thick grey carpeting on the ground. The walls were grey as well, and track lighting overhead splashed warm light over a row of portraits hung across three walls of the room. “You’re actually here. I mean, I never thought you would be in one of our homes—even this one, near Chicago. And I need you to see something,” he said quietly.
I followed him in. “What?”
“Portraits,” Thomas said. “Father always paints a portrait of the women who bear him children. Look at them.”
“What am I looking for?”
“Just look.”
I frowned at him but started on the left wall. Raith was no slouch as a painter. The first portrait was of a tall woman with Mediterranean coloring, dressed in clothes that suggested she had lived in the sixteenth or seventeenth century. A golden plate at the base of the portrait read, EMILIA ALEXANDRIA SALAZAR. I followed the paintings around the room. For someone who was supposedly feeding on people through sex, Raith had done comparatively little begetting. I was just guessing, but it didn’t look like any two portraits happened within twenty or thirty years of each other. The costumes progressed through the history of fashion, steadily growing closer to the present day.
The next-to-last portrait was of a woman with dark hair, dark eyes, and sharp features. She wasn’t precisely pretty, but she was definitely attractive in a striking, intriguing sense. She sat on a stone bench wearing a long, dark skirt and a deep crimson cotton blouse. Her head had an arrogant tilt to it, her mouth held a self-amused smile, and her arms rested on the back of the bench on either side of her, casually claiming the entire space as her own.
My heart started pounding. Hard. Stars went over my vision. I struggled to focus on the golden nameplate beneath the portrait.
It read, MARGARET GWENDOLYN LEFAY.
I recognized her. I had only one picture to remember her by, but I recognized her.
“My mother,” I whispered.
Thomas shook his head. He slipped a few fingers under the turtleneck and drew out a silver chain. He passed it to me, and I saw that the chain held a silver pentacle much like my own.
In fact, precisely like my own.
“Not yours, Harry,” Thomas said, his voice quiet and serious.
I stared at him.
“Our mother,” he said.
Chapter Twenty-one
I stared at him hard, my heart lurching with shock, and my view narrowed down to a grey tunnel centered on Thomas. Silence filled the room.
“You’re lying,” I said.
“I’m not.”
“You must be.”
“Why?” he asked.
“Because that’s what you do, Thomas. You lie. You use people and you lie.”
“I’m not lying this time.”
“Yeah, you are. And I don’t have time to put up with this crap.” I started for the door.
Thomas got in my way. “You can’t ignore this, Harry.”
“Move.”
“But we—”
My vision went red with rage and I hit him in the face for the second time in six hours. He fell to the floor, twisted his hips, and swept my legs out from under me. I hit the ground, and Thomas piled onto me, going for an armlock. I got a leg underneath me and sank my teeth into his arm as he tried to get it around my neck. I pushed up and slammed him against a wall with my body, and we both staggered apart. Thomas got to his feet, scowling at his arm where I bit him. I leaned against the wall, panting.
“It’s the truth,” he said. He wasn’t as winded as I was from the brief scuffle. “I swear it.”
A half-hysterical chuckle slipped out of my mouth. “Wait, I’ve seen this one before. This is where you say, ‘Search your feelings; you know it to be true.” ’
Thomas shrugged. “You wanted to know why I’d been helping you. Why I risked myself for you. Now you know why.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Heh,” Thomas said. “I told you that, too.”
I shook my head. “You said it yourself: You use people. I think you’re playing me against your father somehow.”
“It might work out that way,” he said. “But that’s not why I asked you to help Arturo.”
“Why then?”
“Because he’s a decent man who doesn’t deserve to get killed, and there’s no way I could have done it on my own.”
I thought that over for a moment and then said, “But that’s not all of it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Inari. You went nuts when that vamp was on her. Where does she fit in?”
Thomas leaned up against the wall beside my mother’s portrait. He pushed his hair back from his face with one hand. “She hasn’t been taken by her Hunger yet,” he said. “Once she starts feeding it there’s no going back. She’ll be like the rest of us. My father is pushing her toward that point. I want to stop him.”
“Why?”
“Because if . . . if she’s in love, that first time, it could kill her Hunger. She’d be free. I think she’s mature enough to be capable of that love now. There’s a young man she’s all twitterpated about.”
“Bobby?” I blurted. “The macho violent kid?”
“Give him a break. How insecure would you be if you were planning on spending the day having sex on camera in f
ront of the girl you’d like to ask to dinner?”
“This might shock you, but I’ve never really considered that question before.”
Thomas pressed his lips together for a moment and then said, “If the kid loves her in return, then she could have a life. She could be free of the kinds of things that—” His voice broke. He had to cough before he continued. “Things like what happened to Justine. Like what my father has done to my other sisters.”
“What do you mean, done to them?”
“He establishes that he is their superior. He overpowers them. Pits his Hunger against theirs.”
My stomach twisted. “You mean he feeds on his own . . .” I couldn’t finish the sentence.
“Do you need me to paint you a picture? It’s the traditional way to settle family differences in all the Houses of the White Court.”
I shuddered and looked up at my mother’s portrait. “God. That’s hideous.”
Thomas nodded, his expression bleak and hard. “Lara is one of the most capable, intelligent people I’ve ever met. But around him, she turns into an obedient dog. He’s broken her to his will. Forced her to crave what he does to her. I won’t let that happen to Inari. Not when she could make her own life.”
I frowned. “Won’t that bring your dad down on you? Force him to try to make you like them?”
Thomas grimaced. “His tastes don’t run that way.”
“Small mercy, I guess.”
“Not really. He doesn’t want to keep me around. It’s just a matter of time before he comes after me. His sons, every last one of them, died under suspicious circumstances that can’t be traced back to him. I’m the first male to live as long as I have. Partly thanks to you.” He closed his eyes. “And partly thanks to Justine.”
“Hell’s bells,” I said quietly. The whole thing was almost ridiculous. “So let me get this straight. You want me to help save the girl, overthrow the dark lord, and defend the innocents terrorized by dark magic,” I said. “And you want me to do it because you’re my long-lost half brother, who needs someone noble to stand beside him in desperate battle for what’s right.”
He grimaced. “That phrasing has way more melodrama in it than I would have used.”
