by Dani J Caile
“Well, I’m afraid that your screenplay doesn’t meet the present demand from our audience.”
“Oh, I see. Shame. Sorry, but what was your name again?”
“Thomas Thimbleton, Thomas Thimbleton junior.”
“I thought so! I went to Eton with your father, old Snotnose.”
“Don’t you mean Thomas?”
“Yes, yes, of course. Thomas.”
“Why didn’t you say so earlier? I tell you what, come back next Monday. I’ll have the contracts all ready by then.”
“Super, fine by me. See you then, dear boy.”
“See you then.”
They sealed the deal with the usual secret handshake.
Summer Solstice Open Final - Monkey Business
( incubus, 8 track tape (specific), the Towers of Silence (Dakhmas), coconut land crab from Nuie Island)
"Ardat, my darling incubus! How's it hanging?"
Satan gestured for Ardat to sit down next to him but he decided it was safer to stand, considering.
"O Great One, greetings. Not so good. My word of advice, don't go near the Philippines, those Filipino baklas can confuse a guy, it really makes me sick."
"Ha! Don't wear it out!"
"Yes, O Great One."
"Report, Ardat, report."
How he would take it, Ardat didn't know.
"Things aren't going so well on the surface, O Great One. These monkeys keep finding cures for cancer."
Satan crushed some cheesy Wotsits in a clenched fist.
"What? Our best killer? What's going on, Ardat?"
"No idea, O Great One. And another thing, they've found a way to 'print' organs with a 3D printing system using blood from their butts."
The whole bowl fell to the floor as Satan kicked over his wood-style laminate coffee table.
"Now isn't that the darndest...they'll live forever!"
"There's even a cult meditation group down in South Carolina, USA which has found an effective way of 'cleansing the soul'."
"No! Really?"
"Yes, O Great One."
"They can do that? I didn't know they could do that."
"Yes, O Great One."
"Not so 'great' now, if you ask me."
"Yes...sir."
Ardat couldn't read it well. Would he survive the briefing?
"Where are those damn Zoroastrians when you need one, huh?"
"Sorry, sir?"
"Those Dakhmas were fantastic for collecting souls."
"Dakhmas?"
"Towers of Silence."
"Towers…"
Here was a chance to relieve some stress from the situation.
"…'Tower of Silence', O Great One, that was a book written by, by…some monkey, yes. Did you read that?"
"Of course."
Satan sat back, listening.
"Did you get to the bit where…?"
"Yes, I did. Thanks."
"That was funny. The way the vultures…"
"Quite. Tell me some good news, Ardat."
He had to think fast.
"Yes, O Great One."
Satan moved his attention over to a hobgoblin cowering in the corner.
"You! Put on some Creedence! Yes, the Gold. The blue one…yes, that's the quadraphonic copy. I need some 'Down on the corner'."
The music started to fill the chamber.
"Ah, that's better. Nothing beats a good old 8 track."
He'd found it, it might work.
"Well, our youth project is still going strong, O Great One."
"Good, good. I'm glad there are still some things you can trust in. The BBC, I expect, yes?"
"Yes, O Great One. Repeats of 'Teenage Ninja Turtles' run non-stop and 'Teletubbies' can be seen on at least two channels consecutively. 'Bananas in Pyjamas' has also made a come-back, computerised this time."
"Excellent, excellent! There's still hope, then."
"Yes, O Great One."
"But let's shake them up a bit, there's always room for improvement."
Satan was thinking. Dangerous.
"Mmm. Let's send them some rain…let it rain ugas."
"Oh, nice touch, O Great One. Those coconut land crabs can surely chop off a few fingers."
"Yes, that'll do for now. Off you go, Ardat, there's a good chap."
Ardat bowed and skedaddled.
-to be continued-
List of elements for Challenges 1-26 and the Summer Solstice Open
1 - empty ATM, talking tree, toilet bowl cleaner, meteor.
2 - Tucker Turret, ruby red slippers, Russian Olive tree, mermaid
3 - failed superhero, Chechen (and) Chaca tree, piano, boat propeller
4 - giraffe, microwave, elevator, kumquat
5 - 1935 Vacuum Tube Radio, coconut, wheel from a covered wagon, Komodo Dragon
6 - nudist colony, cell phone charger, carp, 1880 vampire hunting kit
7 - 1940 Ford farm tractor, space monkey, nursery rhyme, sushi
8 - dung beatle, piece of petrified wood, ginsu knives, 1884 DeDion Bouton Et Trepardoux Dos-A-Dos Stream Runabout
9 - pregnant camel, roller coaster, sunken ship, loom
10 - stove top hat, TseTse fly, gyroscope, half a dozen eggs
11 - manhole cover, clogging shoes, The Edward Smith Papyrus, water buffalo
12 - rotary dial phone, pole vaulting pole, black lipstick, Roman galea
13 - bugle, Derby hat, live goat, trampoline
14 - dead gypsy, swordfish, jug of monshine, 159 Zil III
15 - single super power, elegy, wooden water tower, theremin
16 - radiator, clothes line, monastery, surf board
17 - Town Hall, grizzly bear, root canal, almonds
18 - kerosene lantern, pickled pigs feet, driftwood, reference librarians
19 - casket, graffiti, sugar glider, boomerang
20 - carbon paper, red banana slug, flashing neon lights, Mr Peabody’s WABAC machine
21 - jellyfish, pole mounted electric transformer, vanity license plate, kimono
22 - hand sanitizer, succubus, child’s sled, semaphore flags
23 - trilobite, Alka Seltzer, romantic robot, dead rainbow
24 - magic 8 ball, hand held lawn clippers, world’s 1st submersible aircraft, mechanical Geisha
25 - wishing well, chopsticks, tow truck, the National Tax Code in the country where you live
26 - zombie stew, braying jackass, 1951 Kaiser Drag’n, any character from any Toy Story movie
Summer Solstice Open Elimination Round - electric flying bicycle, doppelganger, Atlantis, obscure black & white television drama / comedy
Summer Solstice Open Final - incubus, 8 track tape (specific), the Towers of Silence (Dakhmas), coconut land crab from Nuie Island
Other work by Dani J Caile
…the 1st book …
Take a devilish romp through a world of death, where souls pay for experiences, monkeys are the hosts, and Reginald is the service provider.
Reginald has been in control for millennia. With His staff of hundreds, and millions of souls passing through to experience the delights of physicality, his reign has become complacent. His servants, Satan and Lucifer, jump at the chance to take what they see as rightfully theirs.
The Grim Reaper, or Graham Reader as he calls himself, has been doing his job of transporting souls ever since he can remember to gain his wings. But he has become tainted by the actions of the monkeys living on the planet. Unbeknown to him, a plan is afoot to change the status quo of 'up above' and 'down below', where he is a linchpin to both interested parties.
“Sharp, dark and sardonic are rarely found wrapped in single package” Greg Levin (Notes on an Orange Burial)
‘Man by a tree’
by
Dani J Caile
https://www.createspace.com/3731273
…the 2nd book …
With only one sane man in the desert, can the answers he seeks be found? Or will it be the death of him?
In a time when
hobgoblins and angels run amok, can the universe survive the petty struggles of the powers that be? Based on as yet unreleased papyrus scriptures found in a 2nd floor bedsit in Lewisham, England, this is the 'true' story of one man.
"Irreverent, quirky and fun" Fredrik Nath (The Cyclist)
"...a light and breezy read..." Iso Nuys (Paid on Return)
"I loved it!" Dave Tarragon (The Chemo Diaries)
‘The Bethlehem Fiasco’
by
Dani J Caile
https://www.createspace.com/3783797
…the 3rd …
Bombs, angels, dolphins, hobgoblins, crazy monkeys, Reginald in a rage, Satan on the toilet...all mixed with absurdly serious issues.
Will a selfish plan for immortality destroy the human race? Or will there be light ‘beyond’ the end of the tunnel?
High Chief of Security Sipho, with his female dolphin sidekick Kang Dee, investigates the latest in a long line of terrorist attacks by the ‘unseen’ against Atlantis, the utopian gem of the physical universe, and finds more than he could have ever imagined.
"If you loved Douglas Adams, then you're bound to love Dani J. Caile!" Jasper T. Scott (Escape, Dark Space)
"Hilarious" Eponymous Rex (Bot)
"Flash Gordon meets Water-world" Karen Bates (Faking it in France)
‘The Rage of Atlantis’
by
Dani J Caile
https://www.createspace.com/3845760
…the 4th …
Reginald sends Graham Reader (aka the Grim Reaper), out on a mission to find Code 237-Manna-X, the Manna Machine after the Overlords warn him of an imminent (3000 year old) threat against the security of both the physical and non-physical realms.
Will Graham find the fantastic yet deadly device before anyone or anything else does?
"I haven't come across anything quite like this..." Debbie Roxburgh (Speedy McCready)
"With your wily work [Dani], I tend to focus on what's in parentheses. (I also think you are very misunderstood...and possibly always have been.)" Eponymous Rox (B.O.T.)
"Manna-X is one roar of laughter after the next!" Jasper T. Scott (Escape, Dark Space)
‘Manna-X’
by
Dani J Caile
https://www.createspace.com/4151484
…and also a small freebie…
Guido's dead, but he hasn't lived yet. Will he get a second chance? Or will Satan have his evil way?
Dull Guido has kept himself out of trouble (and life) for 34 years 5 months and 14 days, only to die on the night before he finally has his first big adventure, a world cruise. Graham Reader, the Grim Reaper, tries to help him navigate the world 'up above', only for Guido to find out that there are worse things than death - Satan's tool cupboard.
‘TDX2’
(Too Dull to Die)
by
Dani J Caile
And remember, if you are 'up to the Challenge', then go to...
https://theironwriter.com/
