by Amity Cross
Who was she? Was it his mother? The only time I’d heard him talking about her was when he’d told me the story about how they’d moved from Ireland and then to Melbourne. I had absolutely no idea she was sick…
“Hamish,” she said, her Irish accent as clear as day, even in that one little word. In fact, it was the biggest word of them all considering it was the name of the man I couldn’t seem to let go.
“Hey,” he said, sounding surprised.
“Hamish, my boy.”
So it was his mother. Knowing I’d overstepped the mark by about a billion miles, I edged back into the hall before anyone saw me lingering. I couldn’t help but feel I’d witnessed something poignant and personal. Something I should never have been privy to.
Hamish had been hiding this from me, and if the feeling in my heart was right, he’d been hiding it from everyone.
Moving back the way I’d come, I ventured back to the ER where Bel was being stitched up, feeling more confused about the illusive Goblin than ever. Bel had been right, but I didn’t want her to be that right. Not when it involved his mother dying from cancer.
I got why he’d hide something like this from The Underground, but from me?
I didn’t know if I could let this go, but I wasn’t sure how to approach him about it, either. He’d made it clear he didn’t want anything more to do with me. I’d been emotional and out of it the other night, so I hadn’t paid any attention to his body language as the words had left his mouth…but he never looked me in the eye as he told me. Was he trying to save me from dealing with his mother’s illness? Did he think I was going to dump him when I found out?
I thought my part in this story had been to overcome my fear in the wake of Storm, but maybe it’d been about Hamish all along.
Maybe it was about time someone fought for him.
17
Hamish
The hospital was busy today.
Standing in the doorway to the room where Ma was getting her next round of chemotherapy, I put down the lollies and flowers I was holding so I could suit up.
Donning a protective wrap over my clothes and snapping on a pair of disposable gloves to help protect me from any residual radiation from the chemo, I made my way over to where she sat, her legs stretched out on the recliner.
“Hamish,” she said, smiling brightly at me.
“Hey,” I said, surprised at the light that shone behind her eyes. I hardly dared to hope she remembered me, but I dreamed about it so much I couldn’t help it.
“Hamish, my boy.”
I took a hesitant step forward. “Ma?”
“I see you,” she said, her eyes misting with tears.
My grip around the flowers and barley sugar loosened, and I almost dropped the lot on the floor. I pulled up a chair beside her and placed her presents on her lap.
“Carnations,” she said, running her fingertips over the pink flowers. “You remembered.”
“Your favorite,” I said. “They always last the longest in a vase…”
“And are cheap.”
She smiled at the memory, and I could hardly believe she was here with me. I couldn’t remember the last time she’d had clarity, and I fought back the sudden barrage of tears that welled up inside me. Fighters didn’t cry.
“I know what’s happenin’ to me,” she said, grasping my hand. “I don’t even know what day it is or how long it’s been since I’ve seen you.”
“I’ve been here almost every day since…” I frowned, curling my fingers around hers.
“Since I started losin’ my mind.”
She said it so bluntly, it stung, but she was the one it was happening to, not me. I had to deal with her care, but she was the one who was fading away. We both suffered in our own way, but she had it the worst.
“Then there’s the cancer,” she went on. “Bloody poisonous thing it is.”
“How…”
“I can see the drip in my arm and feel the pain in my chest, Hamish,” she said. “Tell your ma the truth while I’m still around to understand it.”
There was no use sugarcoating it. Ma had never been one to pad the blow of disappointment for me growing up, and she would expect nothing less in return. Not at a time like this.
“The cancer is back,” I said. “Dr. Schwartz says there isn’t anythin’ they can do.”
“How long?”
“Two to three months.”
She sighed. “How long ago was that?”
I bowed my head in shame. “A month or so.”
She snorted and plucked at the flowers I’d sat in her lap. “I suppose it’s a blessin’.”
“What?” I asked, hardly believing the tone in her voice. Her lack of fight. “How can you say that?”
“I’m still your mother, Hamish McBride, and you’ll treat me as such,” she scolded.
Ducking my head, I replied, “Sorry, Ma.”
“You’re a grown man now, and you can take the hits life gives you better than I can…” She sighed, glancing up at the chemotherapy treatment. “I’m trapped in here. In my memories. The good and the bad. I have no control. When I try to think of now…today… It’s just blurry. It’s no way to live.”
“But…” I began to protest, but she held her hand up.
“I want you to stop this.”
I glanced at a nurse who was passing by. “Stop what?”
“Hamish, you know what I mean.”
“But…” I began again.
“But nothin’. You said it yourself. There’s nothin’ they can do, so this is pointless. It makes me feel sicker than I need to be. If I’m dyin’, then I want to try to hold on to moments like these. The clear ones. If I’m blessed to have another, then I don’t want to be so sick I can’t talk to my only boy.”
I stared at the flowers in her lap and couldn’t bring myself to argue.
“We have a lot to catch up on,” she said grasping my hand with her familiar one. “You’ve all but grown up, and I’ve missed so much. You’d better tell me about everythin’. Are you still fightin’ at that place? The bad one?”
I nodded, and she clucked her tongue. “The money is good, and it makes sure you’re looked after.”
“Who looks after you?”
I raised my eyebrows. “I’m a man now, Ma. I look after myself.”
“Bull crap,” she declared. “No man is an island. Do you have a girlfriend? A wife?”
My thoughts went straight to Lori, and an image of her appeared in my mind’s eye as clear as if she were sitting with us now. I’d hurt her so bad in the name of saving her from more of the pain she was trying to escape. I felt guilty as hell because all of it had been a lie. My life had become one big fucking lie after another in the name of strength and pride and all of humanities failings.
“Of course, you do,” Ma said. “Look at you. You’re handsome, and you have that twinkle in your eye. What’s her name?”
Before I realized what I was saying, I blurted, “Lori.”
Ma looked confused for a moment, then said, “I thought you were seein’ a girl named Josie?”
“I was, but it didn’t work out. Things aren’t goin’ so great with Lori, either.”
“Why not? I know my son, and you’re a good man. Any girl would be lucky to have you even though you inherited your da’s stubborn pride.”
I opened my mouth, but it flapped uselessly. Talk about a dose of reality.
“What are you afraid of?” she asked.
A lot of things, but losing her and the subsequent fallout were top of the list.
“Hamish.”
“I haven’t told anyone,” I said. “My friends at The Underground and the gym. My mate Ash. Josie…and Lori. I never told them, either.”
Her brow creased. “I’m your dirty little secret?”
“You don’t know what it’s like in that place…”
“The criminals you spend your time with?” She scoffed and shook her head disapprovingly. “They aren’t worth shit.�
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“I don’t want them to worry about me,” I said, beginning to become agitated. “I don’t want their pity. I don’t want to hurt Lori any more than she has been. She’s suffered through enough heartache herself without me asking her to help with mine. I’m meant to be the strong one.”
“Are you doin’ it to save her, or yourself?”
I shrank back, my eyes widening. “What?”
“You’re goin’ to lose me, and that’s goin’ to sting. If she leaves you when you need her the most… All that explainin’ sounds like you’re doin’ it for yourself.”
Her words hit home, and it was like I was ten years old again being told off for getting into a fight with the school bully. Ma’s reprimands were always full of the high road with a dose of reality that was sobering to say the least.
“But, Ma, it’s not like that.”
“Relationships don’t work like that. You can’t deal with this all on your own, and you can’t be the one to solve everyone else’s problems when you have more than enough of your own. There isn’t any shame in admittin’ you need some help. It’s not weak.” She sighed and swiped her hand across her eyes. “I wish I could be there…”
“But you dealt with everythin’ that happened with Da on your own. I’m just doin’ the same.” Even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t true.
“It’s not the same.”
“He ran away from us.”
“Your da and I…” She sighed, her eyes drooping. “He didn’t love me anymore. Maybe he never did.”
“How can you say that?”
“He wasn’t happy, Hamish. I’d rather make my peace with it than live in pain.”
She was right. About Da and about right now. I had to make my peace with her illness and her passing. I’d been fighting the inevitable, round after round, in hopes that I could turn the tide. If this was an actual fight in the cage at The Underground, I would’ve tapped the day Dr. Schwartz told me they’d found Ma’s cancer had come back.
“I’m sorry, Ma,” I said as a sneaky tear slid down my cheek. “I tried to hold on to you when I should have…” I couldn’t say the last part of my thought, not to her. We both knew it, but it felt like an insult to declare it aloud.
“You were doin’ what you thought was best.”
“It was selfish, and I knew it.”
“You weren’t ready,” she said kindly. “I understand, but now’s the time.”
I nodded, my chest feeling like an elephant had stomped on it.
“So the cancer…” she went on. “When I was first diagnosed, the doctor told me it could be passed on.” She looked me over knowingly. “You should get the test, Hamish.”
I glanced up at her. “How did you know I hadn’t?”
She laughed and grasped my hand. “I’m your mother. It’s my duty to know these things.”
“I don’t want you to go,” I whispered.
“I know. If this is the last time I’m here…” she began.
“Ma, don’t say that.”
“I will say what I please,” she declared stubbornly. “If this is the last time I get to speak to you, then there are a few things you need to get through your thick skull.”
I closed my mouth and waited because when Ma had her mind set on a tongue-lashing, she gave it, no matter what.
“One. You will get that test. No complainin’ or excuses. Two. You will make things right with this Lori because I can see you care for her. If she loves you like you love her, she’ll stand beside you, no matter what. It’s that simple.”
“How do you know?” I asked, thinking I’d been stealthy. “I mean…love?”
“No talkin’ back, Hamish.” She shooed me away. “You tell her the truth. And tell Dr. Schwartz I want to stop this awful chemo. Let me enjoy my cheap flowers and barley sugar until I drop off the perch.”
“How can you be so…”
“Blasé? Because I have to be. If I just sat here and felt sorry for myself…” She clucked her tongue. “What a waste. Now you promise me you’ll do what I asked. Consider it my final wishes.”
Taking her hand again, I smiled. “You make it hard to resist you, Ma.”
She smiled, the familiar twinkle in her eye reappearing despite the heavy topic of conversation. “Irresistible, just like my son.”
18
Lori
I’d never been to The Underground when I wasn’t working before.
Like a stupid little lamb running head first into the slaughterhouse, I couldn’t stay away from Hamish. He’d said things that hurt me deeply and had claimed to be using the things that’d left my heart raw and bleeding to manipulate me into bed, but I was beginning to doubt they were true.
I just…I didn’t believe any of them, and I supposed that was the reason I’d found myself in the car, driving to The Underground. I wasn’t sure I had the balls to approach him and confess what I’d seen, but I just had to see him. Trying to understand why I did anything in relation to Hamish was a pointless exercise in heartache.
I just couldn’t shake the image of him and his mum in that hospital.
And I couldn’t shake the way I felt.
Like a creepy stalker, I had to see him, and it had to be now. If I saw him, I’d know what to do next. Otherwise, I’d just curl up in a dark corner and rock myself back and forth with my fingers stuck in my ears.
The Underground was packed when I arrived. Pushing through the group of people that blocked the entrance, I found myself thoroughly annoyed already. Crowds and I didn’t mix like petrol and an open flame.
Turning, I decided to try my luck with an out-of-the-way position in the bleachers where I could hide.
I’d only taken two steps when I caught sight of Sandra moving past me.
“Lori!” she exclaimed, rushing over and throwing her arms around my neck. “Are you okay? When I heard about Stu…”
I shrugged her off. “I’m fine.”
“He hasn’t been back,” she went on. “I didn’t see, but everyone is saying Max kicked him out and threatened him pretty bad. I don’t think he’ll be showing his face around here anytime soon.”
I’d heard pretty much the same thing from Max himself, and knowing Hamish had something to do with it and hadn’t said a thing to me, made it sting. I should’ve been happy I wasn’t a target anymore, but all I could muster was a weak smile.
“Are you working tonight?” Sandra asked.
“No, I’m just…” I cast my gaze around awkwardly.
Her mouth fell open. “Are you and Goblin…”
“No. Nothing like that. I just…” I glanced over to the cage where a couple of guys were mopping up after a particularly bloody fight. “I’ve never seen him fight before, so I thought I’d come and see. You know, a friend supporting a friend.”
It sounded lame coming out of my mouth and totally something I’d never say, and Sandra snorted. I didn’t fool her either, but luckily, she didn’t try to push any more buttons.
“Well, he’s up next,” she said.
“Who’s he fighting, do you know? I just got here, and I haven’t seen the board.”
“Blaze,” she replied, pointing toward the bookies. “Odds are pretty good, too.”
“For who?” I glanced at the blackboard and frowned when I saw the odds for Blaze. Three to one. It would be a tight match, then.
“Listen, I’ve got to get back to the bar, but are you sure you’re okay? I mean, that’d rattle anyone, the way he tried to…” She let the sentence die off rather than subject me to the word rape.
Smiling, I nodded. “I’m fine, really. I’ll see you tomorrow night?”
“Yeah,” she said, edging away. “I’ll be here.”
I offered her a tiny wave as she disappeared through the throng of people. Standing alone in the crowd, I began to feel out of place, so I moved toward the bleachers.
I sat on the edge of the stand, one foot dangling off the end, trying to look like I belonged out here. Casting my gaze across
The Underground, the whole place looked different from usual. Now that I had a new vantage point, I began to pick out all the things I’d never really stopped to look at before.
There was the usual group of women who lingered by the double doors leading out the back to the fighter area. Seriously, out there was as exclusive as it got. Even I hadn’t seen what was behind those doors, and I worked here. The women were as slutty as they looked, but everyone knew what they wanted. In a way, I was jealous of their certainty and unashamed attitude. They knew they were easy and didn’t give a shit what anyone thought of them.
Over my right shoulder, I could see the bar I knew like the back of my own hand and the bookie stations that ran along the wall to the left. Money was being exchanged faster than my gaze could keep up with, and the din was unbelievable. I’d learned fast how to tune out the background noise of this place and concentrate on what was in front of me. Otherwise, I’d never hear a bloody thing customers were ordering.
Abruptly, the frenzied betting subsided, and people began to scuttle toward the cage like the tides ebbed and flowed. It was fight time, which meant Hamish was coming.
My skin began to tingle, and I squirmed on the hard bench as the lights flared brightly before me.
From up here, I could see the whole cage and felt a little sick when I saw how stained the concrete floor was. The light and dark brown patches were splatters of blood, marks that told just how many fights went down in this place. Too many for the cleaning crew to keep up with it seemed. I couldn’t believe people actually had the balls to fight in there.
My breathing quickened as the referee announced Blaze, cheers erupting around me. He stalked into the cage, much to the delight of the woman sitting next to me. His chest and arms were ripped with muscles, his thighs as big as tree trunks, and I didn’t have to know Hamish as well as I did to understand Blaze was bigger than the Irishman was.
My throat tightened as the referee began introducing Hamish, and my gaze raked the crowd trying to spot his approach. “You want him, you love him, you bet all your money on him… It’s Goblin!”
