Flow (The Beat and the Pulse #6)

by Amity Cross

  She was in a private room with a large window that overlooked the city beyond. She was sitting up in bed, eating her lunch, or at least, trying to. Her fork poked at the meal, but nothing was reaching her mouth. Now that I could see her clearly, I recognized a great deal of Hamish in her.

  I was overstepping in a big way, but I was desperate for answers he wasn’t giving me. The feeling of helplessness that ached inside my chest was familiar, but in many ways, was it wasn’t. Hamish was going through the toughest time of his life, and he felt he couldn’t confide in me. I couldn’t help him.

  The nurses’ station was directly behind me, and I shuffled from foot to foot as their conversation drew my attention away from my own hesitation.

  “I have to explain who I am every time I go in there,” a younger woman was saying.

  “Alzheimer’s is a terrible disease,” another added. “They teach you enough to deal with patients in nursing school, but the reality is a lot different.”

  “It’s early onset, too,” an older nurse said, then clucked her tongue. “It’s a shame. Her son comes in almost every day.”

  “It must be tough on him, coming here alone like that and not having your mum recognize you.”

  Anguish began to sear through my body, and I almost turned around and gave those nurses a lecture on gossiping about a patient and her family, but I was too stunned. I knew Mrs. McBride had cancer, but early onset Alzheimer’s?

  My heart dropped to my feet as I began to realize the extent of what Hamish had been dealing with. Was it pride that had stopped him from telling anyone about her?

  Oh, Hamish…

  The nurses had stopped their chattering and had become aware of me standing there, so I stepped into the room to get away from them. I was here now, so I may as well do a bloody commando roll right over the point of no return.

  “Mrs. McBride?” I asked gently.

  She glanced up at me and frowned. “Do I know you?”

  I wasn’t sure if Hamish had told her about me or if she understood, but I explained it anyway. “I’m Lori,” I said, standing at the foot of the bed. “I’m—”

  “You’re Hamish’s girlfriend?”

  My eyes widened in surprise.

  “He told me all about you,” she said. “The tattooed girl with the blue hair. Not his usual type, but then again, he’s never brought a girl to meet his mother.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come in here like this… Hamish doesn’t even know I’m here.” I shook my head, glancing out the window. “He hasn’t told me about you. He’s going to be real mad…”

  Mrs. McBride clucked her tongue. “I told that boy to make good with you.”

  “You did?”

  “I don’t know if it’s the cancer that’s makin’ my head right, but I’ve been seeing things clearly a lot more often than usual.” She gestured for me to come forward. “Let me have a look at you.”

  I stepped closer, and she grabbed my hand. Looking me up and down, she lingered on my face, her eyes boring into mine like laser beams.

  “You’re a pretty thing,” she said after a moment. “And ballsy if you came here without my Hamish knowin’.”

  I felt the tension begin to bleed from my limbs as I allowed a smile to creep onto my lips.

  “He needs a strong woman,” she went on. “He’s just as stubborn as his father was.”

  “He said his father left when he was young…”

  She nodded, dropping my hand. “I see he’s told you a great deal…but not the most important bits.”

  “I’m sure he had a good reason,” I offered. “He’s strong.”

  “He fights too much,” she said. “There’s only so much strength a person has, and Hamish likes to think he’s a bottomless well. I don’t know why he keeps gettin’ himself messed up like that. It breaks my heart seein’ the cuts on my baby’s face.”

  My mouth fell open. “You know he fights at The Underground?”

  “Yes, and I wished he didn’t.” Mrs. McBride snorted and promptly changed the subject. “Tell me about you, Lori.”

  “There really isn’t much to tell. I’m pretty normal.”

  “Nonsense. Everyone has a story. If you hadn’t noticed, I’m not goin’ to be here much longer. If you’re the one for my son, then I want to know he’s goin’ to be in good hands when I cark it.”

  I gasped slightly at her forthright approach to her illness.

  “Don’t be so surprised,” she said with a chuckle. “I might have trouble with my memories, but I understand I’m not long for this earth.”

  I didn’t know what to say, so I blurted, “I’m sorry…”

  She waved me off. “Tell me about you.”

  “Well,” I began, trying to think of what to say. “I work at a bar, and that’s how I met Hamish. We were friends at first…”

  She laughed. “Friends?”

  “It didn’t work so well.”

  “What else?”

  “I live in Clifton Hill with a roommate. The rent’s expensive, but it’s close to the shops and train station. My sister, Chloe, lives in Queensland with her husband and two-year-old son. My parents still live in Melbourne. They’re out in Cranbourne.”

  “What do your parents do?”

  “My dad’s retired, but he used to work as a bricklayer. He has problems with his back now because of all the hard labor. My mum worked administration at a small family-owned vet clinic for at least twenty years or so. Ever since I could remember, anyway. We always had foster kittens and puppies when we were kids.”

  Her questions went on for a while, including a round of pointing out my favorite tattoos and telling her the stories behind them, and I found the conversation flowing just as easily as it did with Hamish. Without a doubt, he was his mother’s son. I decided I liked her very much.

  “You’re pretty cool, Mrs. McBride,” I said with a smile.

  She laughed and picked up her fork, trying to eat something. When she stopped talking, I could see the effects the cancer had wrought on her body. She looked tired. Sunken and tired. Talking about Hamish had made her feel alive despite what she was going through. She loved him more than I’d ever understand.

  When she glanced up at me, her eyes narrowed.

  “Who are you again?” she asked.

  “I’m Lori,” I replied, realizing her mind was taking her away. “I’m your son Hamish’s girlfriend.”

  “Oh,” she said, sounding like she was drifting far away.

  “It’s okay,” I murmured, squeezing her hand. “You should rest.”

  Mrs. McBride blinked at me, and then her gaze was drawn over my shoulder. That’s when I felt the presence of someone standing behind me.

  “Hamish,” she said, waving the fork at him. “Have you met Lori?”

  My expression fell, my heart beginning to thump erratically as I realized I’d been caught doing the worst possible thing in the entire world. He never invited me here. I wasn’t welcome.

  “Lori,” Hamish said thinly.

  I couldn’t even look at him as I turned around.

  “Can I talk to you out in the hall?”

  I nodded, a tear slipping down my cheek. “Yeah.”

  Without another word, I followed him out of the room, my head bowed. I didn’t know what was about to happen, but it wasn’t going to be good. Not by a long shot.

  23

  Hamish

  The moment I laid eyes on Lori, an overwhelming surge of anger pooled in my gut.

  She was sitting there with Ma, both of them smiling, and it felt like someone had kicked me square in the balls. I would’ve told her eventually, but in my own time and my own way. This was private. We’d only been together a week.

  Ma didn’t have long left. I could see it in everything she did, no matter what Dr. Schwartz said. I could tell she was slipping away. Having Lori show up like this just emphasized the point.

  Did I want her to know my mother? Did I care about her that much? I didn’t know
about that, but I did know she came here uninvited.

  Standing in an alcove, I held my tongue, trying to think of a way to say everything without being an asshole. I couldn’t, and maybe it was because I needed to be.

  “I’m sorry,” Lori said.

  “You had no right comin’ here,” I hissed, grabbing her arm and tugging her toward me. “No right at all. I don’t even know how the hell you knew about her.”

  “Bel,” she blurted. “The other week, she cut her hand open, and I brought her to the ER. I saw you.”

  “But I wasn’t…” I never went anywhere near emergency… “Did you follow me?”

  Her mouth opened and closed as her eyes filled with tears.

  “Did you follow me?”

  “You weren’t telling me,” she said, her entire body beginning to tremble. “You didn’t trust me. You were meant to be here…”

  “And you thought this was the way to gain my trust?” I scoffed and let her go. “She’s my mother.”

  “I’m sorry!”

  “You need to leave,” I snapped.

  “Hamish, please…” she pleaded, her voice breaking.

  I began to grind my teeth, the volcano inside of me I knew was on the brink of erupting, already bubbling over. I couldn’t handle this shit anymore. I was doing just fine before Lori came along and complicated matters. Josie…shit. I’d never felt conflicted about her.

  Things were easy with Josie because I’d never felt like I had to take her feelings into consideration…which made me a total dick. With Lori… Lori made things hard. Lori made me want to tear the world apart. Lori made me so angry I had to restrain myself or else I’d go on a rampage of self-destruction.

  “I can’t do this with you,” I said.

  “What?”

  “Whatever this was, it’s done.”

  “No, Hamish… We can work this out. Talk it through. I want to help you…”

  “Like goin’ behind my back was helpin’,” I snarled. “She’s everythin’ to me. For years, I’ve cared for her. Fightin’ to pay the bills. Fightin’ to make sure she’s had the best care even when she couldn’t remember who the fuck I was. You don’t get to come in here and tell me we can work it out. You can’t work it out. She’s got weeks to live, Lori.” I hissed and turned away, running my hand over my face in frustration.

  She didn’t say anything, but I could hear her quiet sobs. She was crying? She didn’t get to cry.

  “I don’t want to see you again,” I said. “I think you should leave.”

  She sniffed behind me, and finally, the sound of her footsteps echoed down the hall as she walked away. I didn’t turn around to watch her leave. I couldn’t.

  She’d betrayed me in the worst possible way, and to me, that was unforgivable.

  Leaning against the wall, I took a few deep breaths, letting my anger simmer until I had it back under my control. Now that she was gone, I realized I’d desperately wanted her to be the one. It was the same way I’d felt about Josie, and the blindness I’d felt toward the truth blocked out all the things that were wrong with our relationship. I’d done the exact same thing with Lori, and it wasn’t until the moment I saw her sitting in that room with Ma, that I actually realized it. I was a fool, damned to make the same mistakes over and over again.

  Walking back into Ma’s room, I sat beside the bed, ignoring the look of disapproval she was giving me.

  When I couldn’t take it anymore, I snapped, “What?”

  Ma stared at me with a raised eyebrow. “You’re a stupid boy, Hamish McBride.”

  “Ma, please.”

  “I felt myself slip,” she said with a frown. “She was there, and then I couldn’t place her face, but somethin’ inside me knew she was important.”

  I squared my jaw.

  “I know you’re afraid. You’ve lost your da, and you’re losin’ me…twice.” Once to Alzheimer’s and again to cancer. “You’re pushin’ her away because you’re afraid of losin’ her, too.”

  “She betrayed my trust by comin’ here,” I argued. “I didn’t—”

  She whacked me with a fork, the stainless steel slapping against my shoulder. “She took matters into her own hands because she knew you’d never tell her.”

  “Did she say that to you?” I asked, squaring my jaw.

  “She didn’t have to.”

  “She’s not comin’ back,” I said stubbornly.

  “Because of your stubborn pride,” Ma said, giving me a verbal smackdown. “You think what you just did was any different from the thing you’re tryin’ to avoid? Stupid boy.”

  “Ma…” I shook my head. “She… I made the right decision.”

  “She’s lovely,” she murmured, grasping my hand in both of hers. “I’d feel better knowin’ she’s here with you. I think you made a mistake just now.”

  I pulled my hands away and shook my head. I’d made a lot of mistakes since Ma was first diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. Some, I could pin on grief or emotional hardship. Others, I could put down to my stupid Irish pride. With Lori, it had been a matter of trust. Ma meant the world to me, so I kept her close, and to have Lori come in uninvited…

  “Forget about me,” I said. “Let me do what I think’s best for my own life, Ma. I’m a grown-ass man.”

  “And I’m still your mother, Hamish McBride,” she snapped. “You haven’t taken the test either, have you?”

  I snorted. Of course, I hadn’t. There were a great many things I was supposed to do but hadn’t got around to. Paying my rent was one of them.

  “Hamish,” Ma scolded. “You fool of a boy.”

  “Eat up your lunch,” I said. “It’s gettin’ cold.”

  Rolling her eyes, she dug her fork back into the mashed potatoes and began to pick at them.

  Maybe she was right about a lot of things, but right now, all I felt was betrayed. Now that Ma had a go at me, the sensation had taken on a slight dose of doubt. Stubbornly, I pushed the thought away and focused on the here and now. Ma was lucid for the second time in as many weeks, and I was going to stay for as long as possible because this time might be the last.

  Lori had no right sticking her nose into my business like that. She had no right…

  “If you don’t respect my final wishes, I’m goin’ to write you out of my will,” Ma said after a moment of blessed peace and quiet.

  “If you say so, Ma.”

  24

  Lori

  So this was how having your heart truly ripped out felt like.

  Storm had sunk the boot in, but Hamish… Hamish had plunged his hand into my chest cavity and tore my beating heart right out of my body.

  The real kicker was I’d done it all by myself. I crossed the line. I went where I wasn’t welcome. I didn’t trust him to tell me in his own time. I was the one who imploded the best thing that had happened to me in my entire life. It was all my fault.

  Stupid bitch.

  Bel hadn’t been home last night, so I’d been free to cry myself to sleep without her questions. I’d wallowed, deciding to leave the problem of going to work for the next day. Knowing Hamish would be there had me on edge. It used to be a tingling sensation that started in the base of my spine, spreading to my nipples, and then mainlining right into my lady parts. Now I just felt sick to my stomach with shame.

  Dumping my bag in the tiny locker behind the bar, I locked my shit inside and raised my gaze. The Underground was still here and still as shitty as ever. Music pumped out of the speakers as people were filing in from outside. Bookies were setting up their odds for the night as the lineups were handed out to them by venue staff. A ring was beginning to form around the cage and the bar…which meant I had to suck it up and get on with the job I was paid for.

  As I worked, I found myself scanning the crowd for Hamish. I’d stuffed up so badly I wasn’t sure how I could fix things between us, or if they could be repaired at all.

  I thought about the life I’d wanted—the life I’d been too afraid to dr
eam about—and my knees almost buckled beneath the weight of Hamish’s absence. It’d only been a day. A day.

  He was the life I’d wanted. Hamish. I didn’t care about his money or his reputation. I cared about him…the person he was and the person he brought out me. He’d made me want to live life on the edge again. The edge of forever.

  Why did I have to go to that fucking hospital?

  “Lori.”

  My heart leapt, and I turned, a surge of hope running through my nerve endings, but when my gaze collided with Storm, I felt like dry-heaving.

  Scowling at him, I snapped, “What?”

  “Hello to you, too,” he drawled as I began filling a pint of beer for the customer I was serving.

  “If you didn’t notice, I’m busy.” I watched the beer as it left the tap, tilting the glass so the liquid wouldn’t froth too much. It was better than looking at the man who began my downward spiral.

  “Can I talk to you?” Storm asked, leaning his elbows on the bar. His muscles rippled as he placed weight on his limbs, and I scowled even harder.

  “No.” I turned and slid the pint in front of the customer, took their twenty-dollar note, and returned the change.

  Storm stepped into my line of sight, knocking the next customer out of the way. Bloody fighters in this place thought they were made of solid gold. Asswipe.

  “That was really rude,” I hissed.

  Storm glanced at the guy who he’d pushed and raised an eyebrow. The guy edged away, moving down the bar to where Sandra was serving.

  “Seems like he’s okay,” Storm quipped.

  “Bully. I need the tips, and you’re scaring away the deep pockets.”

  He snorted and reached into his pocket. Peeling out a green hundred-dollar bill, he held it out. My gaze fixed on the money, my heart saying take it and my head saying to ram it down his throat. Hopefully, he’d choke on it.

  “Take it,” he said, extending his arm further toward me.

  “I don’t want your money,” I said, edging away. “Or anything to do with you.”