by Alison Bond
‘I don’t care.’
‘You don’t understand. This is your out.’
‘My what?’
‘Your out. For weeks now you’ve been telling me how hard it is there. We’ll lean on Dante to get it wrapped up quick and get you out. Get you home.’
Ruby felt something constrict in her throat, instinctively clutching on to this experience from inside herself. ‘I don’t want to come home,’ she said. ‘I want to finish this. Just because I said it was hard, did you think that meant I wanted to quit?’
Max paused for thought. He’d never come across an actress who liked hard work. He’d hoped that he’d be rescuing her, giving her one more reason to love him and stay loyal. If it came to it, which would he prefer? That Ruby stayed with an untested production or came home to star in a sure-fire hit? Or at least the closest thing anyone could guarantee to a hit these days. Audiences were unpredictable. One minute the audience wanted Julie Andrews on a mountain, the next they wanted to see some easy-riding cowboy get shot dead off his motorbike. Where would taste take them next?
‘Ruby, come home,’ said Max.
Her husband said the same thing. Andrew was incensed. ‘Everybody’s talking about Dante’s movie,’ he said. ‘You’re embarrassing yourself.’
‘Since when was people talking a bad thing for any film?’
‘I’m asking you to come back.’
‘And I’m telling you no.’
She continued with the film even as the start date for the next project came dangerously close.
The following week things came to a head. It started normally. Nobody on set said good morning to her and she fetched her own cup of coffee, blind now to the coldness of the crew. She sat with a copy of the script in her hand, committing to memory lines that would likely change by lunchtime.
‘You’re late,’ said Dante.
She wasn’t.
They rehearsed a scene. It was towards the end of the film. Having escaped, Ruby’s character had been brought back to the house and locked in the bathroom while the men discussed how best to punish her. After they’d run through it a couple of times Dante called for the cameras to start filming.
‘I haven’t been to makeup,’ protested Ruby. She was ignored.
‘Go with your feelings,’ Dante said to the three male actors in the scene. ‘Do what you want to her, don’t think about the words.’
At first it wasn’t too bad. They insulted her, lashing her hands together when she tried to put her hands to her ears. The bindings cut into her wrists. She tried to fight them off but they overpowered her. She kept waiting for Dante to say cut but he didn’t. Later she forgot she was being filmed. When one of the actors, Earl, got close to her, he attempted to kiss her and she screwed up her mouth as tight as she could and tried to turn her head. But someone else, she didn’t know who, held her head still and his tongue penetrated her mouth. When he pulled back she noticed his glassy wide eyes. What was he on? They’d all smoked something over lunch, and Ruby had popped a couple of speedy pills to keep her senses alert, but Earl looked out of it. He was aggressive and clumsy. He stood on her ankle as he repositioned himself, causing her to scream out in pain, but nobody stopped to ask if she was okay and the men switched places, someone else kissing her now, someone else holding her head. She felt a rip in her clothes, already tattered from her escape attempt, but it sounded distant somehow, unconnected to what she was going through. She concentrated on blocking out their vile language and fighting them off.
‘Please stop,’ she murmured over and over again. ‘You’re hurting me.’
Her ordeal seemed to last for hours and she was exhausted, scratched and bruised and genuinely afraid. In the middle of it all she forgot that she was an actress, it didn’t seem important. But slowly, as the men started to tire, she came back to herself again.
This wasn’t right. She was sure that all three men were high on some kind of hallucinogen, which meant that Dante probably was too, which meant that nobody was in control. Well, somebody had to be. She kicked out at Earl, hard, and he went flying across the tiny bathroom and slammed his head against the edge of the bath.
‘Cut!’ Dante raced over. ‘Earl, are you okay?’
Ruby hauled herself to her feet and tried to loosen her bound wrists. When she pulled at them they dug further into her flesh. She started to cry.
‘Jesus,’ Earl was saying, ‘that kinda hurt.’
‘Kinda hurt? Kinda?’ Ruby ran across to where he stood and started pounding him with her clasped fists. ‘Does this fucking hurt?’ She was livid. What had they been doing to her back then? And if she hadn’t found the strength to fight back, how far would they have gone? How far would Dante have let them go? Nothing was worth this kind of treatment. Max was right, Andrew too, she should go home.
‘That’s it, Dante. I’m done.’
He turned his back on her. Pointedly and without embarrassment he turned towards the set so that she was no longer in his eyeline.
‘Hey! Don’t do that. Look at me, Dante, or I swear to God I’ll walk right now.’
He looked back at her. ‘What is it?’
‘You gave them drugs?’
‘An experiment. It worked.’
‘I can’t do this any more. I thought I could, but it’s too hard.’
‘Is the princess finding it all a bit too much? Maybe we should have booked a real actress.’
She willed the tears in her eyes not to fall. ‘Why don’t you do that? I’m finished.’
‘Such drama,’ said Dante. ‘It’s a shame you can’t bring that kind of emotion to the table when you’re working. Finished? I don’t think so. You’re so desperate for approval. Where does that come from? You’d never walk.’
‘Watch me.’
And just like that, with everybody watching and half her dress ripped from her shoulders, Ruby walked off the set.
She didn’t leave town straight away. She needed a night to come to terms with what she had done. She had ruined Dante’s film and possibly her career. Nobody likes an actress who causes trouble. Her side of the story wouldn’t matter. All anyone would remember was that Ruby walked off in the middle of a picture, that she was difficult.
She’d never thought of herself as the type of person who makes a fuss and in the past she had scorned that certain kind of actress who ruins it for everyone else with unreasonable behaviour. But was it really unreasonable to expect respect? It wasn’t as if she was asking for a better wardrobe or a different co-star. All she wanted was to be treated like an equal.
Maybe Dante was right. Perhaps she didn’t have the dedication required to be a serious actress. She should stick to what she did well, looking pretty and being the backdrop for somebody else’s story. Being the supporting character in films and in life. She shuddered when she thought of how much she had been ready to risk for an uncertain future. Her marriage to money and power, steady work from the major studios, and for what? For a film that might turn out to be nothing more than the extended drug trip of a questionable talent.
And though she wouldn’t admit it to anyone in the world, she waited so that Dante would have a chance to apologize and beg her to stay. The way that she had once begged him.
She didn’t have to wait very long. A message was sent up to her room from production asking politely if she could make a breakfast meeting with Dante the following morning.
Ruby’s first emotion was overwhelming relief. There had always been the chance that Dante would let her go without a word, and at some point she would have had to give up waiting in her room and slink out of town. Her second emotion was curiosity. The meeting was in some obscure part of town, in the opposite direction to the set. Was he embarrassed?
And then she was afraid. Today might be the last time she ever saw him. It could be what they called closure, it could be goodbye.
When she arrived, dressed in a conservative wraparound dress and projecting what she hoped was a professional and determined front,
a quiet, elderly man led her to the top of a staircase leading down into a dark basement and left her there. It reminded her of that part in the crime novel when somebody gets killed. Her heart pounded in her chest. He wouldn’t, would he? He was supposed to be in love with her. It was meant to be.
As she descended the steps she tried to conquer her growing sense of dread. The dim light from the hallway above faded away behind her. She felt her way with her hands. This wasn’t right. She could hear her breath coming in short, panicked bursts. Tears stabbed her eyes. She was sick of being scared. At that moment all she wanted to do was go home. Not to Los Angeles, but to Wales. Home. She felt a pang of longing for an uncomplicated life.
There were no more stairs. She stood still in total blackness.
Suddenly, with a brightness that stung her eyes, a white screen lit up a few feet away from her. The room was illuminated and she could see a row of empty chairs. Confused, she sat down. As she did so she saw herself appear on screen. And Earl, and her other co-stars. It was a very rough assembly of the film she had just quit. She was mesmerized.
For an hour she watched in silence. She forgot that she was watching herself, she didn’t even recognize the insecure, quavering woman in front of her. She’d had absolutely no idea that she was that talented.
She was crying by the time it finished. Quiet sobs that she didn’t understand. She was certain of one thing: she had just seen a powerful film that was going to be an enormous hit and one that would stir enough debate to become legendary.
‘So what do you think?’
She span around in her seat. He stood at the back of the room, more nervous than she had ever seen him before. His hands were clasped tightly in front of his stomach, twisting into each other as if he was trying to stop himself reaching out. ‘Oh, Dante,’ was all she could find to say.
‘I hurt you,’ he said. ‘I know I hurt you, but it works.’
He was rushing his words, scratching the side of his face in a gesture of self-comfort that made her heart long for him. ‘Everything I put you through, it was all for this. Of course they don’t hate you, the crew, the others, of course I don’t hate you, but it works, can’t you see that?’
He came closer to her and let his hands rest on either side of her face. When she didn’t pull away he kept them there and looked fixedly into her pale eyes. ‘You’re too confident, too beautiful. I had to put you in a place where you were uneasy. You can see it, can’t you?’
He was begging her. At last, he was begging her.
‘People will be involved with your weakness,’ said Dante. ‘God, Ruby. Please, you have to forgive me, you just have to. We must finish this film. It will be incredible.’
‘I can’t take it,’ she said. ‘I know what you’re trying to do, but I’m not strong enough. I can’t.’
‘You can,’ he said. ‘You already have.’
Her face appeared on the screen again, huge, all watery eyes and pain. A slow smile crept on to Ruby’s face. She was indisputably gorgeous, the backlight sharpening the angles of her face so that her cheekbones were like polished marble, the tears reflecting the colour of her eyes in hypnotic patterns, her scarlet lips a flash of life in the endless pale space of her skin.
‘A few more weeks,’ said Dante. ‘Six, maybe eight. I know you can finish this. Being the best means competing, and competing means accepting a certain level of discomfort.’
‘Do you think I’m a good actress?’ she said.
‘Ruby, this film will change everything for you.’
‘Why?’
‘What do you mean, why? Because you’ll win an Academy Award for this performance.’
‘Are you serious?’
‘Completely’
It was hard to take in the implications of everything he was saying. Dante’s taunts were all part of his unique style of direction? His aim had never been to ridicule her but to empower her? What did that mean? Did it mean he cared? And an Academy Award would cement her position in Hollywood for always, regardless of whose wife she happened to be. Everything would be available to her. But it was impossible.
‘Eight weeks? Dante, really I can’t. We’re months behind already. Everyone is waiting for me, Max, the studio… my husband. I would let too many people down.’
He moved away from her slowly, dipping his head and looking, just for a moment, so sad that she wanted to gather him into her arms and promise to stay by his side for ever.
‘I understand,’ he said. ‘Of course I do. That’s more important. If you’ve done all that you can then you must go.’
It was a moment that could change her life for ever. In the years that followed she would often wonder what might have happened if she had gone the other way. If she had remained loyal to her responsibilities and carved out a different kind of life, then what kind of life might that have been? The other path would surely have held its own triumphs and challenges. Would she have been happier? Or would her demons have tracked her down all the same?
It only lasted for a few seconds, Dante looking at her while her mind lurched between her choices, trying to cling to the anchors of logic and reason but seeing only the face of this man she loved beyond sense, this man who wasn’t her husband.
‘So you don’t hate me?’ she asked.
‘No,’ he said. ‘I never did. You intrigue me, Ruby. I see you. One day, believe me, you will be extraordinary.’
‘Do you love me?’
‘No.’
‘But you could? I’m right, aren’t I? You might?’
‘I might.’
‘I’ll stay,’ she said. ‘Of course I’ll stay.’
His smile was genuine, suffused with gratitude, but she couldn’t ignore the fragment of triumph that she saw in his eyes. He had known. To him she was weak and incomplete. Even though she took pains to disguise her insecurity, weak and incomplete was exactly how she often saw herself. Instead of being concerned by his perception of her she took it as another sign that he was her soulmate.
He covered the short distance between them in a single step and dragged her close into him. He kissed her roughly on the lips, grabbing the hair at the nape of her neck with one hand. He whispered in her ear, ‘Thank you.’
Fireworks sizzled inside her. His lips had scorched hers. Even the smell of him was the same, warm and erotic.
‘I’ll stay on one condition.’
This surprised him. Somewhere along the way Ruby had learnt to negotiate. He admired her for it.
‘What’s that?’
‘Marry me,’ said Ruby. ‘You said maybe you could love me, I think you already do. I’ll make you happy, Dante, you know I will. Marry me.’
You’re married to someone else.’
‘If I stay here and do this film then I don’t think we need to worry about that.’
‘I can’t make this film with my wife.’
‘When we’ve finished, then will you marry me?’
Dante was prepared to do anything to complete Disturbance. He was prepared to marry for his art. But marrying a woman like Ruby wouldn’t be much of a sacrifice. ‘Is that really what you want?’ he said.
‘It is,’ she said. ‘It’s what I’ve always wanted.’ Her breath was shallow, and adrenalin was rushing through her veins like heroin. She knew that she had him. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he was lost to her. She wasn’t just a girl any more, as she’d been in London. She had lived. She was a movie star now. And she knew that he wanted her. It was a moment of triumph, a moment of intense desire.
Without breaking eye contact she unfastened her dress, pulled it off and let it fall to the floor. Underneath she was naked except for the white silk knickers that he’d always liked. She walked towards him on her high heels and pressed her body against him, letting him feel her fabulous tits up close, to remind him what he had been missing, to show him what he was getting by saying yes.
She placed a long, sexy kiss on his lips, working at his belt with her hands. Her tongue
danced in and out of his mouth, over his throat, his neck. He groped all the bare skin she had on offer. She teased him, only lightly touching him no matter how much he tried to press harder against her hand. When she could sense that he was on the edge, she broke away, turned around, and bent herself forward over one of the chairs, waving her ass at him. He grabbed her hips. She looked over her shoulder. When we’re married, you can screw me all the time.’
‘Yes,’ he said.
‘Yes what?’
Yes, I’ll marry you.’
She could have made him wait until the wedding night, or at least until she was divorced, but as she felt his fingers around her and in her all she wanted, with a desire that was out of control, was the feeling of him inside her again, filling her up. And she was so happy that he’d said yes. So she let him. And it was ecstasy.
Six weeks later an envelope was hand-delivered to Ruby on set. The envelope contained a petition of divorce from Andrew Steele. Despite his repeated requests she had failed to return to Los Angeles in time for Viva Romance 2, the picture had collapsed, and all of Hollywood knew that she had defied him. Most of Hollywood knew that she was cheating on him too. He was humiliated.
Ruby didn’t care. She was part of a new power couple now. She didn’t need Andrew any more.
16
Kelly Coltrane awoke from uneasy dreams and found herself transformed into a celebrity. The word was out. Everybody knew about Ruby Valentine’s long-lost daughter and they thought it was sensational.
Kelly had stayed up very late the night before in her hotel room, watching old movies starring her dead mother. She had slept deeply, her mind still turning over the images she had seen. When the telephone rang she was more than a little confused. Since when had she had a phone in her bedroom? She managed to remember where she was and picked up the telephone.
‘Miss Coltrane? This is Richard on the front desk.’ Gere? She looked at the clock on her television; it was only nine, she’d been up until gone four – she needed to hold her calls and get some more sleep. ‘Sorry to disturb you,’ he said, ‘but there’s a growing situation down in the lobby.’
