by Amy Saia
He carefully adjusted my pillow. “You were a loving, smart, thoughtful girl who cared for others more than herself. Too much. You are very beautiful, achingly so.”
Out of the blue. “Can angels love humans?”
“Yes,” he answered. “However, we’re, uh, not allowed to be with those we love in that kind of way. It’s against the rules.”
“Oh.”
I watched as he paced around the room, thinking too hard for an ethereal being. “What’s wrong?”
“I lied. I do have to leave you, but only at night. I promise to come back in the morning, okay?”
“Sure, but only if you promise. Why do you have to leave at night?”
He was back at my side. “To gain strength for each day. It, uh, is very important that we don’t get too weak while caring for beautiful, careless teenage girls.” He flashed a wide grin.
“Hmm.”
That made sense, sort of. A flash of pain shot down through my neck. My eyes squeezed shut as I waited for it to pass.
His cold, fizzy electric hand rubbed my temples and massaged the skin on the back of my neck. “Better?”
I reached up a weak hand to touch his wrist in a thankful caress. “I wish you could stay. Couldn’t the big man let you have a night off?”
He chuckled. “Sorry. I’d get fired. You’d end up with a new angel in the morning, and you just never know what they are going to send.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ex-convict angels trying to earn their wings, old monk angels who won’t talk, overprotective angels who won’t let you have any fun.”
“Okay, okay, I get the point. You have to go. It’s not fair.”
His lips twisted in enjoyment. “I think I will stay. I’d love to get fired. You really do need a strict angel to come in here and get your butt in line. I’ve been too lenient letting you get into so much trouble.”
I let out a giggle. “No! I don’t want another angel, I want you. Bright and early in the morning?”
“When the sun comes up.”
I shivered. The blanket he covered me with was not doing its job.
“Still cold?” he asked.
“Yes, actually.”
With a sigh and a slow shake of his head, he lifted the covers and climbed into the bed with me. “I hear I’m freezing at first, but it gets better.”
I gasped at the ice-like chill that met my skin, then felt a hot warmth in the next second. My body melted with sheer pleasure, despite its mangled state. His heat poured through my skin along with that now familiar fuzzy feeling that I could really get used to. Who knew? What had I done in my past life to deserve such utter wonderfulness?
I felt his body beginning to fade inside my arms. As warned, he was leaving just as the last bit of sun dipped below the horizon outside. “Tomorrow, when the sun comes up, you promised.”
“I’ll be here.”
I felt soft lips press into my neck, and then he was gone. My skin tingled with the remnant feeling, but it faded, and as it did, my heart filled with sorrow. I lay there numb and empty until the nurse came in again with that promised IV.
“Ready?” she asked.
I nodded, holding back fresh tears.
“Knock me out.”
16: Visions
I woke up to the sound of nurses walking down the hall and the lone squeal of an uneven cart being wheeled past my open doorway. My muscles were stiff, especially those in my neck, though my head didn’t throb as it did the day before. I thought about my angel. Where was he? Trying to sit up in a panic, I searched as best I could around the empty room brightening with the colors of dawn.
“Right here,” I heard from the usual spot. Then I heard feet stepping to the floor and coming over to the bedside. “How’s the head today?”
I smiled so much it hurt. “A lot better.”
He pulled up a chair to sit by me, leaning his arms next to my side. “Need anything?”
Just you. “Umm, water I guess. And I am getting kind of hungry.”
He looked over at some tube they had me hooked up to—one of many. “They’ll probably give you real food at lunchtime. For now they’ll make you wait until after they do some tests.”
“What kind?” I didn’t like the sound of that.
“Brain scan, check your lacerations, body x-rays.”
It was like having my own Cliff’s notes for hospital stays.
“Sounds fun. Darn, I am pretty hungry. Wanna go sneak me some food?” Having my own personal angel could be very beneficial.
He thought about it for a moment, raising his amazing blue eyes to the ceiling in concentration. “No.” Looking back at me with a smirk, he said, “That’s against the rules. I can see I’ll have to work hard to keep you in line.”
“Me? You’re the one who is supposed to do what I say. What kind of angel did I get, anyway?” I pouted heartily for effect. “I want one who listens to me and gets me a hot breakfast with no questions asked.”
He started to get up, shaking his head in defeat. “Okay. Remember, I told you what happens when they send alternate angels.”
Crossing my arms, and lowering my eyebrows, I remained firm. “I don’t care, I’ll risk it.” I watched as he made a few steps toward the door. “Wait! That’s not fair. Okay, I can wait until lunch, but these rules are really dumb.”
He came back and stood over me. “If you want me to stay, you have to promise that you will follow the rules. When I tell you something, I want you to obey and do as I say. Understand?”
“Yeah,” I mumbled, “but this stinks. I didn’t know you guys were so grouchy.”
This made him laugh, deep and hearty. “Ha! I’m just trying to keep you alive and safe. That’s my job. No matter what happens, you have to obey me and not get into any more trouble.”
Our eyes met and held for a long, daring moment. “Yeah, okay,” I gave in finally. What kind of reckless girl had I been before?
I tried to sit up to get some water, but he was there first.
“Lie down,” he ordered. I obeyed and watched in heeded silence as he delicately put the mug to my lips and poured some liquid down my parched throat. “Better?”
“Yeah. Hey, when do I get out of here? You’re coming with me right?”
“A few days most likely, and we’ll see.”
“You have to come with me. I don’t know anybody. I’ll need your help.”
“You need my help,” he murmured to himself, with the slightest of bitterness. “I told you I would stay until you asked me to go. Why don’t you rest for a moment before they come to do the tests?”
“I rested all night. Besides, I want to hear about you. What’s your name, by the way? How long have you been an angel?”
“William. Over twenty years.”
“That doesn’t seem very long.”
“Believe me, it’s been long enough.”
“What do you mean? Will you get to be human someday?”
“I could never be human, the way you think. I’m just your angel, and that’s all I’ll ever be.”
“But,” I went on, trying to throw a wrench in his strictly laid out rules, “what if somebody wanted you, loved you in that type of way, couldn’t they be with you the way you are? Surely the big man can see some sense in that scenario.”
His face lined with conflict. “There was a time when I might have considered it an option, but it was too dangerous for the other person.”
William stood, moving to look out the window. He was such a beautiful vision, standing there with the framing of outside foliage and blue sky turning his image into an impressionist painting; his tall, muscular frame filling up the middle in an ethereal way. When he turned back around, his face was cleared away of any fr
ustration. When we both heard a slight knock on the door, he explained that it was probably the doctor. “I hope you’re not scared. It should be a fairly easy procedure.”
“Well, now that you mention it, I’ll be fine as long as you’re with me.”
He smiled that warm, calming smile. “I will be.”
The door to my room opened and a thin, balding man in a white lab coat strode in holding a clipboard. A nurse filed after, coming to check an IV.
“Miss Shay?”
“Yes?”
“I’m Doctor Hess. How are you feeling today?” He reached over to inspect some cuts on my skin, carefully turning my head to the right. “Still in a lot of pain?”
“Not as much,” I replied, trying to keep my eyes on William.
“Good. Well, we need to run some more tests, all right?” He felt along my skull. “Pretty good bump there. I hear you have some memory loss.”
“Yeah.” Like all of it. But it was okay, I had an angel.
The doctor scribbled something on his clipboard. “We’re going to roll you into another room now for a few x-rays. Okay?”
I said yes, still locking eyes with William who was on his feet, moving with me as I was lowered to a gurney. He followed down the hall, eyes locked on mine.
There were still some pieces of glass embedded in my scalp and cheek, which they said they’d have to extract. I looked over at William in a panic.
“I’m here,” he whispered, offering me his hand, and I felt the electric fuzziness start up. “Close your eyes,” he commanded softly.
I’m sitting at a table surrounded by books. A library. There’s a sense of boredom, of having been there forever. Nothing’s ever going to change and something’s wrong, I feel weak, melancholy. I don’t care about this day, or the next, or any of the following that come one after the other like slow drops from a leaky faucet.
A door jangles and I look up to see someone walk into the building—a girl. She has long, wheat-colored hair, flushed cheeks. I’ve never seen her before and my adrenaline kicks, my heart starts to quicken.
She moves out of sight, but I can hear her shuffling through the rows of books. I see one move from its place, then it’s shoved back in. A few seconds later she’s speaking at the front desk, and I hear her ask for a job.
What’s wrong with this girl? It’s ridiculous to have come to this town, to want to work here. She should leave, now.
Thinking she might actually go makes my stomach knot with apprehension, but it’s what I wish for her, and if I could speak, I’d tell her as much. Go, and don’t come back. Go while you’re young, while you’re alive.
A while later and she’s at the shelves again, looking around. I bend into my book, feeling angry. When she looks down, I look up. She’s beautiful, and it’s not fair.
If I were solid again, if this curse hadn’t been brought upon me, if you could only see me I’d take your hand right now and tell you how beautiful you are because I bet no one’s ever said it, not the way I would, not the way you should hear. But that’s impossible for me to do. I’m stuck behind a wall and am slowly fading into night, every day.
The library turns to black and a new scene slowly bleeds in to take its place. It’s dark, and adrenaline is eating away at my stomach like a shot of Louisville moonshine. I open my hand to reveal a shining coin of roughly formed copper. The letters SS jump out from the pendant and on the other side a horrible face stares back in demonic pattern. It’s cold and electric. I hate it. Someone is chasing me, and I have to get rid of it. I throw it over a cliff, out into a star-threaded sky and I freeze.
Emma, Emma. Come back, Emma.
“Everything is looking just fine, Miss Shay. The swelling inside your skull has gone down quite a bit, and as you have no internal injuries I think you will recover just fine and be out of here faster than we believe.”
“Wonderful,” I replied with blinking eyes.
I looked past Dr. Hess to William’s face. His eyes held something fleeting, but then he smiled in relief. I smiled back. “Can I eat now?” Everyone in the room laughed at that.
“We can sure make that happen. Let’s get you back to your room first, okay?”
I nodded, not really wanting to eat as much as I wanted to be alone with William. Those visions I experienced felt real, but what did they mean? When they wheeled me back into my room, I couldn’t help the disappointment I felt at the sight of my family, who were now there filling up the space all fresh-faced and worried. The one I had come to know as Mom came over to touch my forehead. She fussed over the blankets, straightening them and trying to fluff my pillows.
“Sleep well, dear? Remember anything yet?”
“Not yet.” Except now I had memories of being a guy who was obviously in love with some girl he wouldn’t let himself have. I was more confused than before and would have to wait until the end of visiting time to ask about it.
“That’s too bad. I trust,” she went on, raising my arm slightly to adjust my hospital gown, “you will get everything back good as new. Don’t rush anything. They say your scars are minimal and will heal quickly. We’re all thankful you didn’t die.”
“Me too.” Everyone laughed in uncomfortable waves. “Umm, I know. Can you go get me something? I am dying for a Dr Pepper. Think you can hunt one down for me, perhaps?”
She looked unsure. “A Dr Pepper.”
“Please? I’m still waiting for lunch and they said I could eat real food now. A soda wouldn’t be against the rules, right?”
She was hesitant, her eyes holding something I couldn’t quite understand. “That’s your favorite drink, Emma.”
“It is?”
She nodded. “You must be remembering, isn’t that wonderful?” She didn’t wait for me to answer. “Come on, Gran, let’s go wrangle one up for her.”
When they left, the room was silent with William and I locked in a trance. Before I could ask about the visions, a candy striper came in holding my lunch.
“Here you go.” She adjusted my tray. “If you need anything, just let me know.”
What I needed was to understand the thoughts ricocheting through my brain, because none of them made any sense.
“Thank you,” I answered, waiting for her to leave. She finally did and I reached to push the tray away, locking eyes with William as before. “I need to know what all of that meant. I need to know what that meant, those things he saw. What does it have to do with me?”
He stayed where he was, voice low. “It has everything to do with you. You were shown a coin. You recently found the same coin and hid it somewhere. You’ll have to find it for me.”
“But why?”
Silence. “Because I need it. I told you not to question me; this is one of those times. Find the coin and that’s all.”
“Okay,” I said slowly. “What about that girl, why was I seeing her?”
“The girl was you.”
“Oh. And the guy?” Silence from his side again, much longer than the first. He was not going to tell me about that one, I could tell. “Come on, you have to tell me who he was.” I watched his face and derived my own answer. “It was you, wasn’t it?”
Finally he spoke, with concentrated words. “No. It wasn’t me.” Funny how he avoided my eyes while saying that.
“Then who?”
A light knock sounded on the door. A young man in a black leather jacket stepped in. Brown hair fell over a gauze square that covered his left temple.
I watched as he crossed the room in a slow stride, both hands buried in his front jeans pockets. “Wow, Emma. You look bad.”
My angel let out a low groan.
“Thanks.”
“But you’re alive. That’s good.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
William r
emained by the side of the bed, his arms crossed tight around his chest, stance wide. The stranger approached, unaware of the body-wall meant to protect me. He stepped right through.
“Emma,” William stated, turning to face me. “This is the young man you collided with, or perhaps he hit you—I’m still not sure.”
I didn’t want him to go and made a silent shake of my head to protest. A gentle hand reached out to touch my cheek. “It’s all right. Better if I go.”
I let out an impatient sigh and watched as he faded through the wall. As if by cue, my visitor stepped forward. He gave an unsteady laugh while looking me over. “Great timing, Emma. I have just one thing to ask you. Why the hell did you have to wreck my car?”
I drew back a little, holding in the slight shiver that came when he sat down next to the bed, too close.
“You ruined everything. Just please, please tell me what you were thinking. Okay—no, don’t tell me.”
He used a fake soprano to imitate what I guessed was supposed to be me. “I’m sorry but I was dreaming about how much I love him and the steering wheel just slipped—because he’s the perfect guy and you would give up everything to be with him. Right? Well, guess what, Emma, you sacrificed a lot more than your own life, you know? I couldn’t leave now if I wanted to. My car is a complete waste!”
I waited for him to finish his mini-rant before holding out my palm in greeting. “Hi, my name is Emma and yours is?”
He eyed my hand with controlled anger. “What, you’re gonna play some sort of game?”
“No. I just think it’d be nice to know your name, since you’re yelling at me and all.”
He cocked his head to the side. “What do you mean? You don’t know my name?”
“Amnesia. I lost my memory in the crash. They say it should get better in time.”
He slid a hand up his neck. “Are you serious?”
“Very.”
