by Jeff Vrolyks
“From one wise guy to the next. The doctor would give me an earful if he knew I was over here.”
“How precious, you broke the law just to visit me?”
“I don’t know if I’d go as far to say I broke the law. The doctor’s orders were broken, that’s about it.”
“Well that’s not how I’m going to remember it.”
She kissed me, furry face tickling mine. “How are you doing?”
“I’m good. I want to get out of here. It’s boring as hell. Where’d you get that raccoon on your face?”
“My brother carries it with him wherever he goes. He wears it when journalists approach him. And these clothes are the nurse’s—I paid her for them. I wasn’t going to wear my hospital gown or nighty here. What a night, huh?”
“No kidding. I don’t remember the accident, do you?”
“Sort of, it’s kind of blurry. Poor Alison, though.”
“It’s so sad. Any idea how long she may be here?
“Too soon to tell. She’s stable though. She’ll be okay I think.” She sat down on the edge of the bed and held my hand. “I feel like I’ve known you for a long time.” I said Ditto. “I think we’ve earned the right to pretend we didn’t just meet.”
The machine next to me caught her attention and she pushed the red button, and then again. “What’s this button for?”
“That injects morphine into me.” I was lightheaded immediately. I wondered if she did that on purpose. Who pushes unknown buttons in a hospital room?
“Oh, oops. Sorry,” she said sincerely.
“It’s okay.”
“Kloss thinks I’m moving too quickly with you.” She looked down to her hand on mine. “But it feels natural. And if there’s one thing my brother taught me is follow my heart. My heart is telling me… well, my heart is telling me it wants you, for lack of better words.”
I squeezed her hand. “I’ve never felt this way before. When I think about you I feel a pain inside my chest, but the pain isn’t unpleasant. It’s there as a reminder. And now that you’re here, it’s gone.”
Our conversation drifted to last night and Holly informed me of what her brother went through and about Jack, the wolf who helped him find us. She regretted that the wolves left after Kloss and his new friends found us at my wrecked truck.
“I should be getting back to my room before Doctor Lee finds me here.”
“Yeah but I don’t want you to. Stay a little longer?”
“Okay, a few more minutes.” She smiled and added, “Better make ‘em count!”
“Oh they’ll count. No matter how we spend them.”
She glanced down at her shirt and said, “I have it on good authority that nurses do it with patients.” Her eyes smiled at mine. “How would you like to put that to the test?”
“Hmm, my nurse isn’t too attractive. I’ll pass.”
“But what about nurse Holly?”
“Nurse Holly has a thicker beard than I’ll ever grow. You’re something else, you know that? A paradox. You’re both sexual and asexual. You’re hard to figure out.”
“Have I given you mixed feelings? Or is it that you learned of my past and that’s what’s confusing you? If you didn’t find out about Andrew and the other losers I dated, you wouldn’t have said that.”
“You’re right. So being physical isn’t what bothered you, it’s the guys who you were physical with? That’s totally understandable.”
“Well not exactly. It’s kind of personal. I’d rather tell you now than when we’re in bed. It’s only fair to give you an explanation of why I am the way I am.
“I’m not used to wanting a guy, period. Well, maybe Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp when I was seventeen. I’ve spent way too much time wondering why I don’t want sex.”
Her pink face turned away from mine. “My first time with a guy, I loved… I thought I loved him. He pressured me from the beginning of our relationship. I figured it had to be amazing, sex, you know? If he was so eager for us to do it? I was nineteen years old and had been saving myself for the right guy, and at that time I never knew a guy like you existed. So I finally gave in to him. We didn’t make love, we had sex. I despised it. It hurt, I was uncomfortable, it seemed dirty, and felt immoral, too, like we were doing something we shouldn’t have been doing. There was nothing special or amazing about it, Kevin. My body was just something for him to enjoy. His pleasure was shallow and no different than if he had been eating his favorite food. He didn’t consider or care about me. If he could have had the same result without me, he would have been happy to do so. It distanced me from him and that was the beginning of the end for us. I thought maybe it was because it was my first time, but the next time was even worse.
“With the few boyfriends I’ve had, sex was always something I dreaded having, I avoided having, and if I did it I regretted it. I know it’s not normal to feel this way. Everyone I know loves sex. There’s nothing physically wrong with me, Kevin. I get aroused, turned on, but I don’t want to do anything about it. It’s like if you have a food allergy to shellfish: you want to eat lobster, but you know what will happen if you do, so you don’t. Love making is at the climax of a relationship, when emotion turns into a physical expression of love, for everyone but me. Since I can’t be a part of that, since I’m unable to be a part of that, maybe I’m…” She stopped. “There are no guys who would want someone who feels like I do about sex. I know what it’s like to feel unloved, just as everyone does. But Kevin, there’s something so painful, and depressing, and hopeless… I’m sorry,” her voice cracked. I squeezed her hand. “Depressing and hopeless to feel… unlovable. Being unloved, you still hold on to hope and you wait patiently, but once you realize you are unlovable there’s no hope left to hold on to. Nobody to wait for. And you realize that you will live life alone. All because of sex.”
“There’s not a damned thing wrong with you, Holly. There’s something wrong with them! It kills me to hear that, it really does. I can’t understand how they overlook what is so clear, that your beauty is far deeper than your skin. Had they taken the time and effort to connect with your soul—and loving you could not possibly take effort—making love to you would have taken them to a place they’d never been. And if that’s not a good enough reason to look for the gift inside the present, making you happy ought to be. I’m so sorry your experiences had to be like that, with them, with all of them. I can understand how you might lose faith. Yet here you are with me, you haven’t given up. It shows your strength.”
“I don’t know what to say to that,” she said shyly. “Thank you doesn’t seem right.”
“Don’t say anything.” I smiled and recalled, “Like that song, you say it best when you say nothing at all.”
She kissed me, laid on my chest. I stroked her head through her hair.
My heart no longer belongs to me.
She lifted her head from my chest, gazed in my eyes. “Really? You’re giving me your heart?”
I was sure I hadn’t said it aloud. Maybe it was the morphine. “If you’ll have it.”
“It’s not easy for me to express myself in matters of the heart.” She brought my hand to her cheek. “I’m humbled, honored.” She kissed it and lowered my palm to her chest and pressed against her heart. “It’s the only one ever offered to me and I graciously accept it.” She kissed me. “A victory for the unlovable.”
“Unlovable you are not. How could anyone not love you?”
She fixed her eyes on mine and didn’t respond.
“You know who loves you?” I said. She was so beautiful at that moment—the face of an angel scarred with human emotion. She shook her head subtly.
“Kloss loves you.” She waited. I didn’t know where this would end. I let it travel at its own volition.
“Alison loves you.” I was running out of people to name. My heart began racing.
“Jill loves you.” A sliver of a smile stole over her before returning anticipatory. Without thought I said a guy in a yellow in
flatable raft loves you.
Her eyes widened. She hugged me and wept. I was puzzled that those words should affect her.
“Yosemite,” she whispered. “It is you who loves me.”
Chapter 28
Holly made her way down the hall towards room #202. She blotted her eyes and furry cheeks with the hem of her shirt, flashing her chest at any number of people down the hall, and not caring whatsoever at that moment. Before opening the door she heard a voice inside. She pressed her ear against the door and heard her brother talking. She had no desire to spy on him, but curiosity got the better of her.
“—would think differently of me, and I would hate for that to happen.” A pause. “I know you aren’t hearing a word of this. It’s just that I don’t think I could have said it to you under any other circumstance.”
Holly decided against eavesdropping further, hoped Kloss would confide in her whatever it was that was on his mind. She never considered that he may think of Alison as someone more than just his little sister’s best friend, but why wouldn’t he like her? She would be great for him. Holly couldn’t believe she never considered it, and the thought of them together romantically made her smile. She sauntered back toward her room. What else could it be? How wonderful things were shaping up: I love him and he loves me; maybe it wasn’t conveyed so clearly, but it might as well have been.
She entered her room, examined herself in the mirror above the sink. I look awful! She visualized herself in a wedding dress. It was the first time she had thought about her wedding with a specific groom in the fantasy. Picking a maid of honor was a no brainer, and she knew Mike Penrose would likely be the best man, but what about Kloss? She supposed he could walk her down the aisle.
A tray of food was near her bed. She sat down and picked at the fruit and watched more fire coverage on the news. She checked the clock and wondered when she should sneak back to my room.
Yosemite! I can’t believe he had the same dream as me! If that isn’t a sign we’re meant to be together, I don’t know what is! Of all the places, too: Yosemite! I wonder if he’s been there. The Valley, what an incredible place for a wedding, I bet. How beautiful would that be? Butterflies swarmed in her belly.
The door thrust open. “We’re leaving, now!” Kloss shouted.
“Why? What happened?”
“Holly, come on, this instant!” Kloss exited the room, glancing back to be sure she was following him. She asked him twice more before giving up. Doctor Lee protested behind them: Kloss didn’t respond.
Out the sliding double-doors they went, crossed the hospital parking lot with Holly clutching Kloss’s forearm, tugging it as she begged, “Please! Tell me! You’re scaring me. I can’t leave Kevin. Please, don’t do this!”
Kloss never broke stride. “We can’t take him, Holl. I’m sorry. You have to trust me.”
She continued begging but Kloss was steadfast. Occasionally he bounced up on his tiptoes to better scan the lot. When he spied a yellow Volkswagen Beetle, he changed direction toward it. Barefoot and crying, Holly followed.
“Whose car is—”
“I don’t know,” Kloss interrupted. “Get in.”
He fished under the driver’s seat, found a single key, jammed it into the ignition and started the engine. He tore out of the lot, destination freeway. His knuckles where white on the wheel, face red. “What the fuck have you gotten yourself into!”
She cowered from his voice. She hadn’t heard him that angry in years, maybe ever. She tried to speak but only a squeak came out. He slammed the steering wheel with both palms, filling the already loud cabin with a boom, then another.
“What, what did I do?” she cried.
“That’s what I want to know! Why is someone trying to kill you?”
Her breath caught. “I… kill me?” she said incredulously.
Kloss took several deep breaths, held his tongue as he fidgeted around nervously. He merged onto the freeway, glanced over at his sister, who was wedged between the passenger seat and the door, fingers dug into the side of the seat and the vinyl door handle. She was petrified, more from Kloss’s temper than his accusation.
When he appreciated how frightened she was, guilt mitigated his anger. He simmered down. “I’m sorry,” he said flatly. The fear in her eyes suggested she didn’t believe him. “Forgive me. I’m sorry, Holl. That was uncalled for.” She nodded tentatively. “Can we have a discussion? I’ll stay calm, I promise.”
“Who wants to”—she swallowed dryly—“kill me, and why?”
Kloss explained what had happened. There was no need to mention his confession to Alison or why he had been in her room, so he began with the nurse interrupting him and issuing a warning. The nurse was both calm and stern, and specific in her orders: “Take Holly home right now. Don’t talk to anyone, don’t tell anyone what you’re doing. Leave the other two behind. If you don’t act immediately, the nine inch blade of a butcher knife will sever Holly’s aortic valve and she will die instantly, this I promise you.”
Kloss told the whacko he was going to call security. She said there was a yellow Volkswagen with a key under the seat in the lot. Kloss called her a crazy bitch. She warned that if Kloss involved the police or gave the police any information, Holly would remain in mortal danger. Kloss pushed her out of his way and went to get security. She told him not to get in Pea Willy’s RV or it would find Holly. It would find Holly. How does she know all our names? Kloss wondered as he continued distancing himself from her.
To Kloss’s back the nurse said, “Losing a sister isn’t easy, as you well know. Just wait until you lose the other.”
Holly was pale. “Impossible. Nobody knows about Anne.”
Kloss nodded, “That’s why she said it. She knew it would get me to take her seriously.” He muttered, “And damned if it didn’t.”
“How could she know all this? Who is she?”
Kloss looked at Holly and said, “A friend. That’s all. Just, a friend.”
They continued traveling northbound to Sacramento. Holly gazed unseeingly at the shoulder of the highway blurring by, deep in thought. She didn’t know why she thought it, but she did. More like felt it. “Is she an old white-haired lady with a mean scowl?”
His eyes widened at Holly.
“That was Mrs. Wheels. She brought Kevin and I together.”
Chapter 29
Morning became late afternoon. Having medicine pumped into my bloodstream made it easy to shave off chunks of the day, one nap at a time. Daydreaming about Holly and Yosemite, I began drifting toward sleep once again. The squawk of a hand radio in the corridor brought me out of a shallow slumber. Several more followed, some within close proximity: my curiosity piqued. I heard the words perimeter, close-off, and south hall. Something was awry.
I carefully slipped out of bed and detached the I-V. I pressed my ear against the door. The drone of multiple radios was all I could hear. I cracked the door open, peeked down the hall. There were better than a dozen cops in this hallway alone. At the other end of the hall were two officers standing guard at an exit. They noticed me. One of them waved me back inside my room.
“What happened?” I asked him.
The cop threatened me: I returned to my room. Something tremendously serious had to have happened. I wondered if it would be on the local news. I found the remote and powered the TV on. Instantly I was watching an aerial view of the hospital. Cop cars everywhere. “Not good,” I mumbled. Not good at all. There was a red light flashing on the room’s telephone. I didn’t remember the phone ringing, unless I slept through it. I listened to the message. Holly’s voice was distressed.
“Why aren’t you answering? God, Kevin, I hope you’re okay. I’m going crazy. Please call me right away to let me know you’re all right. I’m at my brother’s. We had to leave the hospital. The number here is—”
I dialed the number. Holly answered on the first ring, sighed with relief. “Oh thank God! I was so worried about you!” She explained why they left
and what she heard on the news thus far. Two people stabbed—one is in critical condition, the other one dead. Names not released. The assailant: a fifteen-year-old girl on her way home from private Catholic school. She walked into the kitchen entrance of the restaurant Mariscos Del Mar, located at a busy intersection two blocks south of Solano Memorial Hospital, and grabbed a pair of butcher knives. Employees of the restaurant claimed she didn’t say a word. Three of them confronted her as she was stepping out of the service door into the back parking lot; she attempted to stab them, narrowly missing the slowest of the lot. As she ran to the hospital, the police were called. By the time the police would arrive, the young girl would have stabbed two people, and a hospital security guard would put a bullet in her chest. She died instantly.
“She was looking for me, Kevin.”
Chapter 30
It was the worst nightmare I ever suffered. Catholic school girls in uniformed skirts, knee high stockings, and wool knit v-neck sweaters with upside-down crosses on their crests. They robbed the knife store at the mall. Armed to the teeth with overpriced cutlery, they formed groups and stalked Holly and I, finally cornering us in Yosemite Valley, where they stabbed us to death. I had a variation of that dream three times before finally waking up for good at 10:15 A.M. I hated that I wasn’t able to leave yesterday, but I was relieved that Doctor Lee was replaced by Doctor Sanders. I downplayed everything, lied my ass off. I had a full release from the hospital at 3:00 P.M.
Reporters and cops were swarming the place. I met Mike Penrose in the lobby. He had a bouquet of flowers in hand. Eyebrows were raised when he handed them to me and hugged me. We drove his Hyundai back to my apartment.
“I can’t believe your luck,” Mike said. “How crazy was it at the hospital after Serena the Slayer killed those two people?”
