by Angela Peach
I had gone against everything I had said, broken every vow I had made and brought this misery on myself. I should have known better, I should have trusted in her and kept on at her parents to let me see her, instead of scurrying away like a dog that had been kicked, tail between my legs.
What had I done?
I had the dream and I let it slip through my fingers. And she still loved me! I didn’t need her to say this to know it. I knew Helena better than I knew myself and she might have moved on but that was for show. Underneath the marriage and terraced house, she was my Helena and my Helena would never be fully tamed.
“Nick, you’re crying,” I heard Freya say, in a quiet, scared voice and I saw that we had reached our block of flats.
She moved to wipe my teary face with her delicate, white hands — hands that had almost torn me away — and I jolted back, no longer able to welcome her touch.
“I have to be alone,” I said, moving quickly past her to get to the stairs up to my flat.
“Nick! What is wrong?” I heard her say but I couldn’t answer as I unlocked my door with shaking hands.
I had come so close to loving Freya. Should I? Should I wait for Helena?
I ran to my kitchen and hastily found myself some vodka to steady my nerves.
Thinking of Helena had re-awakened all the love we had once shared, that had been numbed in me over time. Now that fire was truly burning and the only thing to dampen it was the ice of Freya.
I rubbed my head, cursing Nikki. It was all her fault. She got the good life and I got the misery and heartbreak and indecision, with any chance of happiness always snatched away so that all joy and delight was hers.
I threw my glass the length of the room, shattering it into pieces and grabbed the bottle to drink straight from the neck.
I found my phone and dialled a familiar number.
“Hello, George Chan speaking.”
“Mr Chan, it’s Nick.”
“Oh,” he said, with a hint of annoyance in his voice. “No Jackie now, eh? What you want?”
“I want you to find someone for me.”
“I want money first.”
“I’ve got the money,” I told him, knowing I could borrow off Ethel on the back of the commission from Mavis Street.
“Oh, okay,” he softened, annoyance overtaken by greed. “Who you want me find?”
“Her name is Nikki.”
CHAPTER NINE
My eyes jolted open as I sucked in a desperate breath. She was going to send someone to find me? To what end? Annoyed and irritated, I swung out of bed and stomped to the bathroom. Well, bring it on. Maybe this was a good thing, to finally meet each other and see what the hell was connecting us. And if she wanted to use her first decent payment to find me rather than better her life, that was her prerogative.
Funny, a week or two ago this would have consumed my thoughts as I tried to work out her reasoning and motives, but today I needed to focus on more important issues.
The Indian lady.
I needed to talk to someone about this and I remembered how supportive Amanda had been when I’d told her about Poppy – maybe she’d be able to help straighten my head out with this? What other option did I have?
I spent half an hour making sure I was suitably presentable (and also sex-ready, just in case…) then headed across the road…street, goddammit. I had to sort this leaky Brit-shit out!
Forgetting my manners and annoyed at myself, I banged on the door several times, chewing on my fingernail while I waited for someone to let me in. I was both surprised and suddenly nervous when I saw Ness.
“Oh, er…hey. How’s it going?”
“Mom’s not here.” She went to shut the door, but I put my hand out to stop her.
“Wait, please. I just need to talk to someone, please? Will you talk to me?”
“I’m not very good at advice…”
“I don’t care, I just have to get this off my chest before it drives me crazy. Please?” I begged, suddenly desperate for her company. She studied me for a while, frowning.
“I have rehearsal in an hour. If you give me a ride there then I’ll hear you out,” she said quietly. I felt a surge of something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Was I crushing on Ness now? Jeez, my loins were all over the place lately.
“Done deal. But…can we go to my studio? I don’t want us to be overheard.”
She agreed and shut the front door behind her before following me silently back to my place.
Once inside my studio I sat on the edge of my spare bed and, to my complete and utter surprise, started right at the beginning. Yes, I told her everything. From Nick and our shared time shifts, to my recent experience in the desert and the strange words spoken by the Indian lady.
Ness didn’t say a word the whole time. She didn’t ask any questions, she didn’t express surprise or shock or even mock me — her face remained completely neutral. When I’d finished I just rubbed my face and waited for the laughter.
“You probably think I’m crazy, right?”
“Are you?”
“I don’t know. Genuinely. Maybe I am? What do you think?”
“I don’t know, Nikki. You said you didn’t want my advice, but I don’t understand what you do want from me?”
I stared at the window, to the flawless deep azure sky beyond the pane.
“Something normal. I want something normal in my life. I think I need an anchor to remind me not to float away with it all.”
There was a long silence and my god, if all my energy wasn’t just slipping away from me right now. I was tired of my life, tired of sharing it with Her. I felt tears slide down my cheeks, a journey of release from finally telling my story to someone. Someone real. Ness came and sat next to me, shyly taking my hand.
“I can only offer you my friendship.”
“That’s enough! That’s all I need,” I whispered, clutching at it gratefully with my clammy palm.
I got Ness to her rehearsal about fifteen minutes late and stayed to watch. Once again I was mesmerised by her beauty and grace on the ice — if I created art, then she was living, fluid, breathing art. I’m not sure I breathed the whole time she danced, and ‘danced’ was such a loose term for what she did! She was one with the music which seemed to flow for her, not the other way round. The music worshipped her movements and shaped itself around her.
My paintings were a steaming pile of dog shit next to Ness on the ice.
When she’d finished and came to meet me outside in the parking lot, I was unable to look her in the eye and my mouth could form no words for fear of mumbling nonsense. She stared at me awkwardly.
“What is it? Is something wrong?”
How could I articulate my feelings without scaring her away from me for good? I shook my head and attempted a weak smile.
“No. Let’s go.”
There was something reassuring in her arms holding me as we rode home and I felt a calm cloud settle around me. I also felt a surge of something else, an urgency I recognised would need to be addressed straight away. As soon as we’d said our goodbyes, I ran to my workshop and locked the door behind me. Within minutes I’d hung the largest piece of plain canvas I had from the ceiling and, as if in a trance, started to paint.
*** *** ***
It was five days before I emerged from my creative hole and when I did, I was chilled to the bone with what I saw. After staring at it for more than an hour, I called Ness and asked her if she could come over immediately — she did, to my relief, and I showed her my newest painting.
“Nikki…what is this?” she asked, frowning up at it.
“Not my best, that’s for sure.”
There was a long pause.
“I’m sorry, I just don’t like it.”
“That makes two of us.”
The picture loomed ominously down at us, a dark portrayal of anger and pain and torment. The twisted figure of a girl sat sideways against a wall, hugging her chest with her legs askew as she s
tared blankly into space. Standing above and behind her a tall dark female screaming with such an intense fury it made all the hairs on my body stand erect, as if the roots wanted to escape the bindings of my skin and flee.
“Nikki?”
“Mm?”
“Were they meant to look like you?”
“I think so. I think the one on the floor is me, and the other one is Nick. It’s almost like…she looks like the shadow of the one on the floor, right?”
Ness tilted her head and moved reluctantly forward to inspect it.
“Yeah, I can see that.”
“I think it kinda represents that Nick is the darker version of me…and that she wants to hurt me,” I whispered, hugging my arms to my chest as if copying the picture version of me.
Before we could say anything else, there was a loud banging on the door, making us both jump. Knowing mom would never bang the door in such a manner, and feeling irrationally that it might be Nick, I turned the canvas around to face the wall and told Ness to stay put. Heart in my mouth I stumbled to the door and peered nervously out, the trepidation turning to irritation. I opened it enough to talk through the gap.
“Malena, what the hell is your problem?”
To my surprise she pushed her way into my studio, forcing me to step back off balance before I could chase after her.
“Where is she? Are you fucking her already?”
“What? It’s none of your business!”
I managed to catch her just as she reached Ness and the painting. Her sixth sense must have cottoned on to the hidden canvas because she seemed to aim straight for it.
“What’s this? A new portrait?” she sneered as she tried to turn it around and a dark fury flooded my veins. How DARE she! I grabbed her arm and swung her round to face me while simultaneously drawing back my free hand ready to slap her...but it was stopped in mid-air. Ness was holding it in her own cool hand, her eyes calming my temper like sand on flames as she addressed Malena.
"I don't know who you are, and if I'm honest, I don't care too much either, but Nikki and I aren't anything more than just good friends so how about I just leave you both to chat things over?" she said, releasing my arm and casually moving towards the exit. I didn't want her to leave, I wanted Malena to go. My guilt over the death of Poppy was not so strong and obliging now.
"That's a great idea. Fuck off," Malena growled, not seeming to care for any other female, friend or otherwise, in my company.
I seethed, opening my mouth to tell her to get out instead but Ness got my attention, smiled at me and said, "I'll catch up with you tomorrow. I have rehearsal at three, 'kay?"
When I nodded, she gave a quick nod back then left. I knew she meant for me to take her to her practice and that she was aware my current situation needed to be dealt with.
"What the hell is wrong with you? How dare you come barging on into my studio like this?" I said, my voice loud enough to convey how pissed I was, but also with warning that I was on the verge of losing my shit at any second. She stared at me, a muscle working in her jaw.
"Are you fucking her?"
"It's none of your goddamn business if I am, I'm a free agent!"
"Maybe someone should warn her, let her know what you're like, huh? Tell her how you just take what you want then lose interest when you've had enough? I thought you were nice but I'm glad Poppy didn't have to go through this!"
I stared at Malena in shock. Her outburst had hit all the right spots and shame flooded me as I tried to avoid her blazing eyes.
"You're right. I'm sorry. Oh god, I'm so sorry," I muttered, my shoulders sagging as I walked over to the couch and sat on it, feeling surprisingly tired. I expected her to leave, or shout some more to take advantage of my vulnerable state, but she came and sat next to me.
"Why? Why do you behave like this Nikki? Are you hurtin' about Poppy still or have you always been like this?"
I sighed, her compassion hitting me harder than her angry words. "I don't know why I behave like this. I guess I've always been like it, but I don't know why. You're the first person to show me the effect my actions have."
Malena put her arm around my shoulders and hugged me.
"Maybe it's time to change, huh?"
I nodded, allowing tears to roll down my cheeks as I leaned into her warm embrace, yearning for her soft femininity which felt comforting and safe in that moment.
She stayed for the rest of the day and night. I asked her about Poppy and how they'd grown up together, wanting to know about the girl we'd both had taken from our lives, and Malena had a thousand stories to tell. She laughed and cried through them all, then confessed her family were all avoiding any kind of reminder of Poppy and any slight mention of her sister was shushed swiftly. I encouraged more stories out of her and when I knew my day was over, she held me close and stroked my hair soothingly until my eyes shut.
When I reopened them the next morning, she was snuggled into me. I watched her sleep, feeling a certain sense of affection for her. When she finally awoke, before we even said two words to each other, we made love.
*** *** ***
I revved Monster gently while I waited for Ness, feeling confused and excited at the same time. I hadn't felt guilty about sleeping with Malena, but I still wanted Ness.
Didn't I?
I watched as she left the house, jogging across the yard with a small amount of urgency. Before I could even say hi, Amanda came out behind her, looking fresh and friendly, and I suddenly felt nervous. It was too late to make a getaway so I took a deep breath and prepared to say hello and face the music.
"Hey stranger, where you been?”
“I had an, er, important piece I needed to finish. Sorry.”
Amanda looked from Ness to me and back at her daughter, curiously amused.
“There something I should know?”
“No!” Ness said, looking appalled at the idea. I swallowed and forced a laugh.
“We’re just hanging out is all. I’m giving her a ride to the rink.”
Ness shuffled uncomfortably, I cleared my throat and Amanda narrowed her eyes.
“Sure. Well, be sure to pop in and see me soon, or I can come over to your place and we could have a bit more privacy…whatever suits you.”
I nodded emphatically, certain she could tell I had no intention of doing either.
“Definitely. Soooo anyway, we’d better hit the road, Ness. You ready?”
She nodded and got on behind me, then with a small wave, I tried my best not to wheel spin down the road.
We didn’t say much when we got to the arena, but while she put her skates on and warmed up, I tried to locate the best place to view her dance. Then I sat on the edge of the seat and waited.
She didn’t disappoint. Her dancing was entrancing — she blinded my imagination with her ownership of the ice, a blank canvas for her moving visual art. I wanted, no, I craved, to watch her all night. She was a muse to me, except instead of wanting to create anything, I was content in watching her be the creator of wonder in my mind.
Once again I was rendered mute and useless, feeling like a limp rubber doll when she emerged from the showers and walked shyly up to where I sat.
“Hey, you okay?”
“Ness, you…you hypnotise me.”
She sat next to me and sighed.
“Don’t. I told you I can’t be anything more than your friend.”
“I’m not worthy of even being your friend, let alone anything else! My god, you are a Goddess.”
“Nikki, please…” She tilted her head back to look up at the ceiling. “I’m not that person. I’m just a normal girl who can skate.”
“No, you’re not normal by a long shot! The way you express your art…it’s exquisite! How long have you been skating? What got you started?”
“You know, the usual way people get into hobbies. I just hit the ice one day and realised how much I enjoyed it.” Her answer seemed mechanical, as if it was what she told everyone who asked. I turne
d to face her.
“Now why don’t you tell me the real reason?”
“Aw, c’mon, you don’t really wanna know my boring history.”
“I one hundred percent do.”
“Don’t humor me. No one ever wants to know about me,” she said quietly. “It starts out that way, but then the questions come. ‘So, like, what’s the deal with your parents, dude’ and ‘Do you all just like sleep together in one big fucking orgy, or what?’ Or there’s my favorite, ‘Is it cool if I ask your mom out on a date?’” Ness mimicked, showing her frustration at the ignorant mentality. “People just use me as an angle to get more information on what my family get up to.”
“Well, since I already know what your family gets up to, you can just go ahead ‘n’ trust me. I’m genuinely interested in hearing about you, just you, and no one else but you.”
“I just…why? Why are you so interested in me?”
I smiled and took her hand — it was warm and damp against my cold one.
“Because you’re interesting, and beautiful and passionate about what you do. I want to know your past as well as be in your present…and then maybe see what happens in the future. Not like that,” I added quickly, not wanting to freak her out. “So, c’mon, tell me. Where’d it all begin?”
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“Music. It all began when I started listening to music. As a kid, I felt music right through to the core of my being, and not like all my friends seemed to. They liked all the latest releases, young boy bands et cetera. I listened to classical music, old records from the forties and fifties, jazz, y’know, stuff seven year olds don’t normally go for. It was almost a dirty little secret if I’m honest.” She shook her head and chuckled. “It feels weird telling you this. I haven’t told anyone this before.”
“Ness, I recently told you I share consciousness with a girl who lives in Scotland…I think I out-trump you in weird confessions!”
She laughed – I think it was the first time I’d heard her laugh so freely and it made me feel warm throughout despite the icy environment. I decided I wanted to make her laugh more.
