by Angela Peach
I felt her arms go around my legs as she knelt weeping, her head pushing between my knees as I stooped to keep her near.
This was what I had wanted for the last ten years. I had dreamed of Helena walking back into my life and declaring her undying love. Somehow it felt too good to be to true but here she was, crying on her knees, bent and broken as a small part of me wished on her the misery I’d felt all these years. That, of course, brought the guilt that I could wish pain on the woman I claimed to love.
I immediately felt the remorse as my fingers itched onto her deeper. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry’s not enough,” she cried.
“What more can I do?” I wept. “I told you I’d always wait. I came and found you years later and I wasn’t the one who had disappeared into another life. I waited.”
Helena took her arms away from my legs, wiping her eyes, her dark, dark eyes that glared terrors from the night should I dare to look too closely. But still I swam in them unable to fend off my fears because when her eyes met mine, I felt alive and I needed that after feeling dead for years.
“You left me!” she shouted, standing to slap me. I saw her arm reach back, as her face screamed its agony and I saw the hand soar through the space between us until its sharp whip met my cheek. I flinched but I remained. I deserved this.
“If I had known,” I began, my cheek smarting. “I would have camped in your garden. I would have smashed your bedroom window with rocks, I would have built a ladder to climb to you. Don’t you see?” I beseeched, my hands grabbing hers in mine, forcing her to face me.
She wasn’t the only one who had eyes to drown in.
“I was so scared,” I carried on, seeing I had her attention. Eyes met eyes and heart met heart as I felt my breath begin in my chest. “I was nothing. I am nothing. You had everything: the big house, the lovely parents, the money, the charm. How could I compete? I was all your insecurities and mine rolled into a huge snowball that grew larger the longer we were together. When your mum told me you didn’t want me, I believed her!” I shouted. “I knew one day you’d leave me.”
Helena wiped a final tear from her eye before it could spill over onto her face. “I waited for you, Nick. And then I waited some more. I guess it’s me then that has to say sorry. I believed them, my mum and dad, when they told me that you hadn’t come round or contacted them. I was ill but I begged them to tell you and begged them to let you in to see me. They told me they had, you weren’t interested, you’d found another girl and I should concentrate on getting well. Life would seem better when I got over my illness.”
I hung my head in shame. I had not fought for my love when she had needed me most. How dare I declare a love when I couldn’t believe in it. I felt the soft caress of Helena on my shoulder.
“It wasn’t your fault,” she sighed. “We were young and didn’t know any better. We couldn’t know fear and prejudice. We had our love but we were frightened by the enormity of it. I wish I had tried harder,” she said and I heard the break in her voice as her emotions got the better of her.
That was all it took for me to be lost in Helena once again. That tiny crack in her voice, the sound of love making its way from her heart to her vocal chords, the emotions that I thought I’d forgotten but it seemed like yesterday I’d heard that same crack when she first declared her love for me.
Sometimes I cracked and heard Nikki.
“I should’ve tried harder, not you,” I mumbled.
“Nick,” she breathed into my ear, for we now stood against each other, our bodies touching, my arms itching to reach out and hold her close. “Try now.”
I needed no encouragement. I raised my head to see her eyes, to make sure I wasn’t dreaming and then I threw myself forward in a great gust to kiss her, to hold her, to feel her against me. I wanted time to move quickly, I wanted Helena to be naked and beneath me. I wanted her head to jolt back in an ecstasy I had provided, her eyes closed and her fists clenched.
That happened but I saw her body was different. There was a bump in her stomach, a child growing from the seed of a man. I ran my hands over it as her eyes searched me fearfully.
“I’ll love you both,” I said determinedly. “Any part of you is a part of me.”
She jolted up and held me, kissing my shoulder. This was the moment I had waited for from a lifetime ago. I’d reached my peak and so had she, as we clung to each other, the ashes of our teenage love burning between us.
I saw her pain, her naked pain and I took it in to myself. Naked Helena, the goosebumps of her legs making stories on mine that I might read later, that I would never forget but I think I’ve said that before.
“We have to make a plan,” she said, pulling her skin from mine so that I could no longer feel her.
“A plan for what?” I asked, propping myself up on my elbows. “Just leave Jiminy Cricket and move in with me. I’ll get a job, I’ll support us.”
Helena said nothing as she got up and started to dress. I got up to throw on my pants and t-shirt, watching her.
“Helena,” I said, stopping her with the touch of my palm on her shoulder. “Babe, love me.”
Nikki.
“I can’t just leave my husband, Nick,” she said.
“But, but you love me…” I stammered.
“I do love you, Nick. I fucking love you so much but I can’t bring my child up to live in a freezing attic. You can barely support yourself. Look at you. You pretend to be a painter but your mother pays all your bills. You’re a bum, baby. I love you and I’ll come to you as often as you’ll have me, that we can plan, but I’m not going to live in squalor for the sake of love.”
I was wrong. Love always deceives.
I felt my heart fall to my feet.
For a few minutes there love had held it up and now it was down again in the gutter where my passion belonged. How could my love for her bring me such highs and such lows? Was that the nature of love that one minute you’re so elated and the next it feels like your life is over and not worth living?
“So, I’m just a fuck?”
She came over to me, her dark eyes gleaming from sex and she kissed me. “No. You’ll always be more than that. You’re everything to me. I love you. I will always love you. But I’m a snob,” she shrugged. “I want the good life. So as much as I can’t live without you, I won’t live with you like this. And I know you’ll be here, you’ve waited this long,” she smiled.
She was back to being cock-sure, arrogant in her power over me and as much as I wanted to drag my heart up from the gutter in which it dwelt, I could do nothing against her.
She was Helena. She was the spark in my soul that ignited my passion. I was the slave to our love.
“You’ll wait,” she smiled, taking my pathetic face in her hands. “Because you always have. And maybe now you’ll find a way.”
I watched her go. I’m good at watching the women I love walk away. Like a twig floating down the river, I see them all drift away, further and further from my flexing fingertips that try to grab, as useless as my beating heart.
Helena stood at my door and she turned just to make sure I was looking. Her vulnerability depleted with the security of my love. I gave her what she needed to be strong again and in return I got nothing.
Ingenting.
That made me remember the soft Norwegian words that told me what ‘ingenting’ meant.
When you think of love you think of the burning fires of passion. But what when love deceives and all we can surely be left with is the ice of hard desire?
I knew where ice and desire lived.
I had that moment, that tiny instant in time where Helena was back in my arms and the world — the world that was mine for only the briefest of moments — came alive and I danced in the flames of love. I felt fourteen, in love, where no-one could touch me. Not even Nikki.
Not even Nikki.
It was funny how every happy moment in my life ended with a vision of her twiste
d, jealous face. She was so used to having all the happiness, all the attention, all the glory, that any snippet that fell my way would have to be crushed under her designer shoe.
I was fed up lying down for people to walk all over me. It has been the story of my life and I’m fed up with that fucking slut writing my story for me. It’s time I took a hand in my own destiny.
Helena won’t be with me, not how I want her to be, until I can give her a grand house, a big car, and a wad of money to spend on maternity dresses. I could do that for her if I didn’t have someone’s heel pressing my face into the mud to keep me down.
My pain and heartache have simplified my life.
To have Helena, knowing now that she loved me, I’d need to get rid of what held me back.
I punched a number into my mobile, drumming my fingers impatiently as it rang.
“George Chan speaking. How I help you?”
“Mr Chan, it’s Nick. Have you found her?”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I spent the whole day in a daze. She had my address. Nick had my actual address. I wasn't too sure how to process this information and had been unable to get hold of anyone. (Except mom and I obviously wasn't about to divulge this sort of shit to her.)
By the time I was preparing for bed, I got a sudden rush of messages from Malena and Ness - Malena was going to come over when she finished work the next day and Ness had been at some kind of sponsorship meeting before the scout came to watch her skate. I gave her a quick call to see if she was free in the morning for breakfast and we arranged to meet first thing. Then my eyes slammed shut and I was gone.
"What does that mean? That she's coming over to see you?" Ness asked as I filled her in over waffles and coffee.
"She's trying to. She tried to buy a flight yesterday but she forgot about applying for an esta so I guess as long as it takes for that to go through? Hey, on the plus side, it's not like she can sneak up on me!"
"I just don't understand how it works? I mean, there isn't even twelve hours difference between the UK and us so why isn't there an overlap? What's gonna happen when you come face to face with each other? Will it be like in Back To The Future - y'know, when he says not to meet his older or younger self cos it'll mess the time continuum or something?"
I raised my eyebrow at Ness.
"I have absolutely no idea."
"Hmm," she added, frowning, "She can't sneak up on you, but you also can't hide. She'll always know where you are."
"Thank you. You're really helping me to relax about all this!" I shovelled a large mouthful of waffle into my mouth and scowled at my plate as I chewed.
"Nikki? Don’cha just wanna know? I mean, if she really is coming, maybe you'll both get some answers? Maybe this is a good thing?" Ness offered.
"I've thought about that. I've thought about it a lot, but whenever I think about us meeting...I just get a horrible sinking feeling. Nothing good can come from us making contact. She's not coming over for us to tearfully unite and get to know each other in person, she's coming over to..."
"To what?"
I shrugged.
"To take over my life. To remove me from hers permanently. She wants my money and my identity for herself."
There. I'd said it out loud. It was simple and stupid and totally irrational, but I knew it was her intention. Ness and I sat in silence as we picked at the remnants on our plates.
"What're you gonna do?"
"Not much I can do. She's made her decision and now we're both gonna just have to face each other and see what happens. I looked up how long Estas take to get approved — she could be here within the week."
"Isn't there anything we can do? Can't we alert the authorities or, or, what about if I lock you in a room and disappear with the key until you wake up?"
"I already considered something along those lines but how long do we want to be doing that for? It's like she thinks by taking MY life and MY money, this loser Helena is going to suddenly want to be with her. In my opinion, if you love someone you love them. End of. You'd give up everything and go through anything for them." I threw my hands up in exasperation. "On the other hand, I can totally sympathise with this pregnant woman because let's face it, Nick is a bit of a dead end."
"I've never been in love, but I imagine if I was that I'd give up my life for them," Ness said quietly, pushing her plate away. I watched her for a minute but her expression was closed and totally unreadable.
"Has anyone ever said they're in love with you?"
She shook her head but seemed to withdraw further into herself at the question. I debated pushing for the cause of her discomfort but could tell it would only make her pull away more so I tactfully changed the subject and asked about her upcoming meeting with the talent scout. She shrugged.
"I don't know. I mean, obviously it'd be mind blowing if she thought I was good enough for Nationals, but I don't wanna get my hopes up or anything. You know I skate for my own enjoyment — the idea of doing it to please others and then, y'know, disappointing them cos I didn't match up to their expectations or I wasn't as good as my opponents…"
"You're ten times better than any of the skaters I've seen on the box because of those reasons Ness. You skate for yourself and you skate from your soul — they're all gunning to be the best and to win and that desperation is what kills their passion."
"But...what if I lose that? What if I get caught up in it all?" Ness asked quietly. It was then, in that gentle flicker of her eyes, that I sensed just how vulnerable she felt about it. This wasn't just a possible career advancement — she was fully aware of what was at stake as this could make or break her love of the sport. I touched her arm and waited for her to look at me.
"I don't think you would but if you did? Well, just quit professional league and go back to small time competitions to keep your sponsors happy!"
"Yeah, I guess that is an option. Oh, by the way, I meant to tell you, mom has her sights set on someone else so you are off the hook," she said, casually ping-ponging the conversation away from herself, as uncomfortable in the spotlight as me it seemed. "Some mechanic she met at a bar a couple of nights ago. He took her out and she didn't get back in ’til this morning, so I hope you don't suddenly change your mind cos she's likely to brush you off."
I sighed with relief — that was one less worry on my mind (although the fact I viewed a hot lady chasing me as a worry was in itself a worry.)
"How's things with Malena?" Ness continued, signalling for more coffee from a passing server.
"Tricky. I feel very confused. In fact...I don't know who's more confused. She isn't gay, and I never go for straight girls. We're both in like a weird shuffle of not knowing what to do with each other!" I laughed and shook my head at the absurdity of the situation. I was sitting opposite a girl I was getting obsessed with, relieved that her hot mom had stopped chasing me, and telling her about my relationship with a dead, potential ex-girlfriend's straight sister! Ness smiled at me, an odd expression in her eyes that I couldn't read but that caused a burst of something into my bloodstream. As it streamed round my veins I struggled to find my voice again, eager to keep the mood light and easy and not scare her off. I cleared my throat. "I don't know. I might not have to even worry about it soon, not if crazy psycho bitch gets here first."
"Hey, if anything happens to you, she won't get away with it. I'll make sure of that, 'k? I've totally got your back." Her cell buzzed and she read the text, frowning. "I've gotta go. Mom wants me to go and make sure the tech at the rink has everything set up ready for Thursday."
"I'll see you tomorrow, right?"
"Sure. I'll be rehearsing all day though."
"I'll take you to the rink and back on the bike if you want? Save you from Mika in the car," I said, referring to the cd that was stuck in the player. She laughed and nodded.
"Okay. I'll come over at half eight."
I tried not to watch her leave, but she simply consumed my attention. After finishing my coffee, I followed suit and
rode around town for a while, blowing out the cobwebs and chasing the wind, hoping for some answers to hit me like an epiphany. Nothing came to me however, so I went home. Mom was out (which was unusual for her) and I ended up in my studio.
Before I knew what was happening, I was scrawling a frenzy onto the canvas.
*** *** ***
The next morning I opened my eyes to the intoxicating smell of a good strong coffee.
"Hi. Y'know, you sleep real deep," Malena said, looking puzzled as she studied me.
"How did you get in?" I asked, bolting upright and staring at the door I thought I'd locked.
"I knocked a few times and could see you through the window but I got worried when you didn't wake up. The door was open so I just let myself..."
"The door was open?" I interrupted, stumbling over to the window. Now that I thought about it I couldn't remember closing the drapes and had clearly been too engrossed in sketching to worry about security either. Sloppy, considering I had a crazy doppelganger after me...
Yes. She was coming for me. Her esta had been approved and she'd booked her flight for tonight while I slept. That meant I had today and tomorrow to prepare for her.
"Nikki? You okay? I'm sorry if I freaked y'all out by just coming on in but I panicked when I saw you and...you sleep REAL deep, y'know?" Malena repeated and I turned to stare at her.
"It's okay, I'm not freaked out by you. I...I have a sleep condition that means I sleep for exactly twelve hours every night and nothing can wake me. I just normally lock the door is all." I mumbled, trying to get my head around the ticking time bomb approaching. But because Malena still looked upset and was still holding out the take-out coffee cup to me, I forced a tight smile onto my face. "Bad dreams. When I'm having a nightmare it means I'm stuck in it and can't wake up, no matter how bad."
